Big Screen Version of Moses

Moses Is About to Get Biblical On Your Ass

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (25)

Moses — the bearded dude who was handed the 10 Commandments from God, parted the Red Sea and led the Jews out of bondage (“Let my people go!”) and had his hand in Passover (mmmmm. lamb’s blood) — is getting a big picture made about him. And not just any big-screen feature movie: An epic, 300 style movie.

In other words, dude is finally getting the star treatment he’s always deserved. Motherfucker is gonna smack some Egyptians around and part the Red Sea Zack-Snyder style, y’all. Give it up. Fox Studios, and its president, Peter Chernin, is setting up the movie, with the aim of delivering a “retelling of the story of Moses, from his near death as an infant to his adoption into the Egyptian royal family, his defiance of the Pharaoh and deliverance of the Hebrews from enslavement.”

You gotta hand it to him, too. The man’s life is full of episodes perfect for multi-million dollar special effects and 21st century gimcrackery: You got boils, plagues, frogs, and the death of all the Egyptian first borns. Cause God ain’t no candy-ass, y’all. When he wants to prove a point, he does it with panache and flair. Cue the Gerard Butler style: “LET MY PEOPLE GO.” I hope they go young, too. I’m thinking Efron with a beard? Amiright?

The script comes from Adam Cooper and Bill Collage, the guys behind … ummmm … Accepted. They seem perfectly suited to the material, right? Anybody who can write this scene deserves to pen the screenplay about the greatest Prophet in the history of mankind:

Follow @pajiba

← Horseboy Trailer | "Glee" S1/E6 →

Comments

Oyy.

Posted by: Jerce at October 12, 2009 11:33 AM

THIS. IS. EXODUS!!!

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 12, 2009 11:33 AM

Prince of Egypt will always be the best in my mind. Seriously, "Look at Your Life Through Heaven's Eyes"? Best song.

Posted by: buttercup at October 12, 2009 11:47 AM

If Zach Snyder has a hand it it you can expect each of the plagues to be played by an ab-erific Hebrew X-Man. I can't wait to see Moses unleash hell on the Egyptians.

Posted by: ed newman at October 12, 2009 11:49 AM

the greatest Prophet in the history of mankind

Nice. If I were a practicing member of a non-Judeo religious group, I would be pissed. But as an Agnost, I can sit back and watch other people get pissed!

Posted by: ChristianH at October 12, 2009 11:51 AM

Clearly this CAN'T fail...

Fullproof, Air Tight, Guaranteed Winner right here...

Yep... I'm not Skeptical at all

Posted by: RonnyK at October 12, 2009 11:52 AM

If you thought 300 was awash with homoeroticism, just wait till you see the Egyptian army in full-scale Sofia Loren eye makeup and the hottest man-skirts since Braveheart! There'll be more choice beef on display than in late nineteenth century Chicago! I can't wait to see Moses and Rameses strip down to their Leather Battle Panties and throw down in a slow-motion wrestling match in the midst of the parted Red Sea.

The fan fiction practically writes itself! Perhaps it will even reunite the gays with the church, when everyone realizes that the long history of intolerance, persecution and murder is healed by the power of Moses' sweet, sweet pecs.

Who wants some Fatted Calf corned beef slash? Open wide, everybody!

Posted by: Cat at October 12, 2009 11:55 AM

The script comes from a higher authority. These jackholes are just editors. Of course I may have missed the part where Moses has a chisled six pack and wears nothing but a codpiece. Ramses? Hell yeah, Yul never wore a damn shirt.

Posted by: mrcreosote at October 12, 2009 11:56 AM

The fan fiction practically writes itself!

Posted by: Cat at October 12, 2009 11:55 AM

...as I felt his long thick sword, directed, as if by a higher power, thrust deep, deeper..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 12, 2009 12:03 PM

What happened here was a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it.

Posted by: Lucas at October 12, 2009 12:04 PM

...Moses grabbed his staff and raised it to the heavens, crying out....

Posted by: badalamenti at October 12, 2009 12:12 PM

The fan fiction practically writes itself!

Don't we already have the Book of Mormon?

Posted by: branded at October 12, 2009 12:15 PM

...Moses' staff pulsated and pharaoh felt the power of god torrent all over his face, he was overwhelmed..

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 12, 2009 12:29 PM

Seconded, buttercup, though I have a hard time picking a favorite song from it. The woman who played Moses' mom had such a beautiful voice, and the little bit of singing they got out of Ralph Fiennes was freaking awesome, too.

Posted by: Todd at October 12, 2009 12:31 PM

I might be only half Jewish, but I'm 100% offended.

"Jew!...Come back with your shield......or your mother will guilt me into buying a new one on sale..."

Posted by: D-Day at October 12, 2009 12:39 PM

Prince of Egypt is awesome. fuck this popsicle stand.

Posted by: figgy at October 12, 2009 12:49 PM

"Deliver Us" is one of my favorite songs ever. I've always thought that Prince of Egypt should be turned into a Broadway musical. Can you imagine that? It'd kick all kinds of ass.

Posted by: figgy at October 12, 2009 12:56 PM

One of the VHS tapes we had when I was a kid out in the sticks (where TV barely works) was The 10 Commandments. My folks were anti-religious, but pro Ancient Egypt and that movie had FANTASTIC visual effects. Bother and I watched it All. The. Time.
I can still recite 80% of the dialogue.
You just can't beat a good big studio historical flick with a cast of 1000's. What next for the CGI treatment, Ben Hur? El Cid? Cleopatra?
I know, Spartacus!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 12, 2009 1:11 PM

My sister's friend was frustrated by the traffic snarl in the parking lot on the first day of school, so when she finally got out of the car, she exclaimed, "This is madness!"

Four dudes within hearing distance all yelled "THIS IS SPARTA!"

Random film quotes are my favorite type of public interaction.

Posted by: Lauren at October 12, 2009 3:22 PM

Sofia Loren eye makeup and the hottest man-skirts since Braveheart! There'll be more choice beef on display than in late nineteenth century Chicago! I can't wait to see Moses and Rameses strip down to their Leather Battle Panties and throw down in a slow-motion wrestling match in the midst of the parted Red Sea.

Well, fuck. If it has all that then I'll definitely watch it. If it doesn't then.........snore.

Posted by: stardust savant at October 12, 2009 4:15 PM

also going in on the prince of eygpt love.

Todd,
re: The woman who played Moses' mom had such a beautiful voice

that would be ofra haza (RIP) who i love like no other caucasian i know. i sleep to her album of yemenite songs, i dance to her dance-y stuff from sire records.

if you liked her as moses' mom, check her out. she's awesome.

Posted by: gp at October 12, 2009 4:25 PM

Maybe its the half a bottle of nyquil but that sounds awesome. Like a blend of nyquil and whiskey mmmmmhhhh . I likes my religous epics filled with hgh and plenty of cgi

Posted by: gilp at October 12, 2009 5:07 PM

Figgy I totally agree! It would make a great Broadway musical with a little tweaking. It's hard to pick a favorite song, but I do love "Deliver Us." I also love the section of "When You Believe" when all the Israelite children sing in Hebrew. Gives me goosebumps every time.

Posted by: Empress of All the Russias at October 12, 2009 10:44 PM

So long as Moses and Pharoah don't wear the deer hide budgie smugglers [1] that are featured on Regretsy, we'll all be okay.

[1] Australianism for Speedo. Notes that it can look like the wearer is packing a small parrot in their pants.

Posted by: trib at October 13, 2009 2:49 AM

I'm with Stardust Savant. If the movie has all that what the fuck else does it need?

This is the funniest thread I've read in a long time. Have I mentioned lately that I love y'all? Well, I do. Perverted fuckers, every one of you.

Posted by: Eyvi at October 13, 2009 9:51 AM

Pajiba

Pajiba: Reviews, Commentary, Angst

Moses Is About to Get Biblical On Your Ass

Comments