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Beyond The Hobbit: The Saga Will Continue And Will Be Greater Than We Ever Imagined

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (23)

boromir_legolas_aragorn.jpg
“We envision it as Lord of The Rings, but set in a world of candy… We don’t see it as a movie based on a board game, although it has characters from that world and takes the idea of people finding themselves in a world that happens to be made entirely of candy where there are huge battles going on… We are going for real comedy, real action, and real emotions at stake.”

Writer Jonathan Aibel, regarding the Candyland script.
(via EW)


Rot in fucking hell. All of you.









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Comments

Rots your teeth AND your soul!

Over/under on nut shots, and jokes pertaining thereto: 25.

Posted by: StoatCat at May 24, 2011 11:06 AM

Were there "characters" in Candyland?

Posted by: Todd at May 24, 2011 11:09 AM

Hee. The looks on their faces tell you everything you need to know.

Posted by: Figgy at May 24, 2011 11:11 AM

This a joke right? Please tell me this is a joke Lord of the Rings with Candy?

Why? How? Why? Why? Why?

Posted by: cockroach at May 24, 2011 11:11 AM

Oh yeah, there were absolutely characters in Candyland. For our senior homecoming float we did Candyland I dressed up as Mr. Mint. I imagine this movie will suck harder than our float did. At least we won first place.

Posted by: Nimue at May 24, 2011 11:12 AM

Can... can something so hacky take itself so seriously? This feels like a joke. Maybe this movie is a stealth parody of the film industry's lust for adapting anything they can get their hands on? Just... a quote like that sounds so much like self-parody.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at May 24, 2011 11:15 AM

You haven't felt real emotions until you've been one card from winning and ended up drawing the candy cane.

The horror... the horror...

Posted by: branded at May 24, 2011 11:17 AM

And yeah, there were totally characters in that game. I played it SO MUCH when I was camp counselor. There's Queen Frostine and Princess Lolly and Mr. Mint and Gramma Nutt and Glumpy.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at May 24, 2011 11:18 AM

Can... can something so hacky take itself so seriously?

I trust you've heard of Jerry Bruckheimer.

Posted by: Odwalla Imparts at May 24, 2011 11:20 AM

There weren't characters in the original Candyland - just the Peppermint Forest and The Ice Cream Lake, et al - but when it was redesigned ages ago (but after I was little) they added these characters. There's apparently a bad guy named Lord Licorice, but he doesn't even have a square on the board, so how scary can he be?

If this is LotR with candy, the ring has to be a Goo Goo Cluster. "My precioussssssssssssssssss!"

Posted by: Edith at May 24, 2011 11:29 AM

It can only hope to be one two hundreth as good as the Perry Bible Fellowship take on this idea

Link (new window)

Posted by: cockroach at May 24, 2011 11:29 AM

Sorry, despite saying new window, it opens in the current tab, unless you do the right clicking (or however it works on a mac to get new tab)

Posted by: cockroach at May 24, 2011 11:31 AM

So it's going to contain a thinly veiled homo-erotic subtext layered with sado-masochistic overtones and racial tension? I bet the Peeps play Whitey.

Posted by: admin at May 24, 2011 11:39 AM

Three Ring pops for the Coton Candy-kings under the sky,
Seven for the rock candy-lords in their halls of Stone,
Nine for Mortal Gingerbread Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Chocolate Lord on his dark Chocolate throne
In the Land of Candy where the Shadows lie.
One Ring Pop to rule them all, One Ring Pop to find them,
One Ring Pop to bring them all and in the stickiness bind them
In the Land of Candy where the Shadows lie.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at May 24, 2011 11:47 AM

This is my fifth attempt at trying to write something here that didn't end in my sphincter clenching with rage.

There was a time when Hollywood was known for putting out the vast majority of good and great movies. Yes, they still produced crap too. However most of the time the crap was very obvious. They knew it was crap, you knew it was crap and nobody went into the deal with any real delusions of it being anything other than what it was. And hey, all of us can admit that there are bad movies out there we've enjoyed even if it was solely because of their awfulness. Nowadays crap, second helpings of it and re-fried plates of it seem to be what's on the menu. But still some of the turd purveyors seem to think otherwise.

This writer seems to have bullshit himself into thinking that this could be anything other that what it is; A litter box Tootsie Roll. Maybe it's a coping mechanism on his part. Maybe he's in fear that should this tank he will have torpedoed any chance of being taken seriously. Or maybe he drank the same Kool-Aid that the producers obviously have been swilling that convinced them that this is somehow a good idea.

Whatever the case, I tried just for a moment to imagine Frodo and Sam walking to Sugar Mountain with the One Lifesaver to Rule Them All, with a fellowship that included Willy Wonka the Gray, The Cadbury Easter Bunny, a few brave hollow-bodied chocolate warriors armed with peppermint stick swords (Christ, I feel like I just wrote a missing verse to Lucy In the Sky....) and realized that I would rather be poor and unknown than to have this sugar coated blight on my resume.

Posted by: bleujayone at May 24, 2011 12:10 PM

Posted by: Mrcreosote at May 24, 2011 11:47 AM

EE is gone. The eloquence remains.

Posted by: superasente at May 24, 2011 12:15 PM

i actually thought the earlier storyline (When Arwen was telling Dunadan about the lovers of ages past) was going to be made into a new trilogy.

Back at u TK. Back at u.

Posted by: haplo at May 24, 2011 12:33 PM

And for the sequel, Citizen Candykane.

Posted by: Socraz6 at May 24, 2011 12:35 PM

EE needs to come back. Figgy was great at it, but if she is unable to do it, somebody else should take up the mantle. If not for anything else, it's great to have a "curated" clutch of comments each week to chortle at.

Who will come forth to pull the EE Sword from the Pajiba Stone?

Posted by: StoatCat at May 24, 2011 1:05 PM

Well.....they are making Monopoly into a movie.

Posted by: Lord-ninja at May 24, 2011 1:08 PM

I thought Candyland (the game) was aimed at kids who can't read yet. I don't think this demographic is really looking for a Lord of the Rings type movie.

Posted by: BWeaves at May 24, 2011 1:13 PM

Bravo on the bait and switch. Maybe the apocalypse is nigh after all.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at May 24, 2011 1:30 PM

TK, you are the least awful troll on the web :)

Posted by: ChristianH at May 24, 2011 9:18 PM