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Being Kung Fu Pandavich?

By | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (30)

panda-bear-g011.jpg

There’s been a slow warm trickle of news about the Kung Fu Panda sequel, “The Kaboom of Doom,” these past couple of weeks. A lot of casting speculation that I’ll get to in a minute but first the big one. Charlie Kaufman has been doing some work on the script. You want to tell me that’s not awesome? This is the guy who did Being John Malkovich, Adaptation, Synecdoche, New York, and one of the all time Pajiba favorites- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I really hope he got some creative input on it, maybe injected some of his favorite themes? Oh man. Or if he just remade it with Phillip Seymour Hoffman as the Panda? He probably just wrote jokes for it. Did you guys know he wrote for The Dana Carvey Show too? That had some laughs. I seem to remember Bill Clinton breastfeeding? I’m really not crazy.

But the other big news today is voice casting in this. In addition to the Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Seth Rogan etc. (wow. It had a lot of big names in it), we’re getting Gary Oldman to play the villain, Jean-Claude Van Damme (Don’t Call It a Comeback!) as “Master Croc”, and Michelle Yeoh as “The Soothsayer.”

I liked the first Kung Fu Panda a lot but I’m a sucker for the whole Monkey Style, Snake Style, Dragon Style kind of kung fu. And the first one actually had the animals using their animal styles!

Here’s something for you to bicker about- Who is the Greatest Martial Artist of All Time?
Chuck Norris is not a valid answer, but I would be happy to see a “Who Would Win In a Fight Between Jet Li and Jackie Chan?” debate spring up.

(via SlashFilm)









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Comments

Oh hey look. Its a picture of that hooker Amanda's kid.

Posted by: EricD at May 26, 2010 6:07 PM

And for the record, the greatest martial artist of all time, Fedor Emelyanenko.

Posted by: EricD at May 26, 2010 6:10 PM

I was confused by all the Pajiba hate for the first movie; I thought it was legitimately funny. Glad I wasn't the only one who enjoyed it.

P.S. OMG BABY PANDA CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!

Posted by: ChristianH at May 26, 2010 6:19 PM

Jet Li and Jackie Chan? Bruce Lee would dick-slap the both of them twice before breakfast. Jim Kelly would have done it, but he didn't want to mess up his 'fro.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 26, 2010 6:38 PM

I can't wait until that baby panda is legal. Well, not legal legal, more like morally legal. Of course, not your morals, but my morals. Then again, I don't have morals. That's why I screw pandas. And now legal and moral don't look like words anymore. Not that they ever were, in my book, The Book of Screwing Pandas.

Posted by: jM at May 26, 2010 6:49 PM

I 100% agree with Tracer so that makes me black now, right?

Also, EricD, Fedor could be the best if he fought the best. As he refuses to do so, the title of greatest MMA fighter falls to either George St-Pierre or Anderson Sliva.

Posted by: admin at May 26, 2010 7:09 PM

I clicked on this link just to read jM's comment. She did not disappoint. Godtopus bless you, jM

Also, what the fuck Gary Oldman? Did you miss White Boy Day this year?

(Someone had to make the joke. Might as well be me.)

Posted by: stardust at May 26, 2010 7:17 PM

You can't put anyone up against Bruce Lee. But I've heard people discuss Jet vs. Jackie quite a few times.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 26, 2010 7:24 PM

And with that jM just won next week's EE.

Bravo.

Posted by: TylerDFC at May 26, 2010 7:38 PM

I don't think you can put Jackie Chan against anyone. He's more of stuntman/choreographer/dancer than a strict martial artist. But yeah, I'm with Tracer on Bruce; now there was a true martial arts master.

Posted by: JustKidding at May 26, 2010 7:40 PM

Ah, jM solid gold.

Posted by: Cindy at May 26, 2010 7:51 PM

You can't put anyone up against Bruce Lee

Using the techniques he knew in his life Bruce would be bent over and humped by the top 10 in pretty much every weight class of the MMA. Assuming he trained the way they do now he would probably be competitive in his weight class.

Posted by: EricD at May 26, 2010 9:23 PM

Who is the Greatest Martial Artist of All Time?

I believe we answered that last week. It's Mr. Rogers.

Posted by: BiblioGeek at May 27, 2010 4:03 AM

yes

Posted by: uniformmate at May 27, 2010 5:25 AM

Martial Artist, not fighter. The entire point of Kung Fu Panda is the veneration of a system of beliefs as well as a fighting system. That the mental is as important as the physical. That the ablity to know when to fight is as important as how to fight. Otherwise a snub nosed .38 is better than anyone you ever saw. Hell, a steak knife used halfway decently is almost unbeatable at close range.

Okay, I'm going with the steak knife, but only if it's voiced in the movie by William Defoe.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at May 27, 2010 7:18 AM

My vote goes for Bruce Lee.

But my LOVE goed to a Desert Eagle .50, and you wont even come close with your steak knife.

Dam'd, MrC. Now I want a steak for lunch!

Posted by: Magiel at May 27, 2010 8:26 AM

Howitzer! I choose you!

HaHa! Penis substitute!

It's super effective!

... and Bruce Lee all the way - far too fast for any MMA mook.

Posted by: Byrd at May 27, 2010 8:35 AM

"Using the techniques he knew in his life Bruce would be bent over and humped by the top 10 in pretty much every weight class of the MMA. Assuming he trained the way they do now he would probably be competitive in his weight class.

Your argument is invalid by your own hand. Bruce was a philosopher, a teacher, and an actor who took the time to study drama.

Brock Lesnar lifts large objects in rapid succession. He wouldn't know Kant from his wife's...you get the point.

MMA exists in a vacuum; it's a sport that has rules, regulations, it's own space (be it a ring or the octagon), and the simple fact that people get paid to win fights. All of these factors determine the specific training disciplines that create your Fedor and Silva. MMA is their job; and you're trying to compare them to a guy who knocked out champion boxers, changed martial arts, and had to make a good (not great) living as an actor.

Could MMA fighters beat the piss out of martial artists if you put them in the same ring? Definitely. But would an MMA fighter have a chance against Bruce Lee outside the ring? No. Period. No no no.

Why? Because the man was very smart, could pick up any object in the nearby vicinity and use it better than the MMA fighter, and was so god damn fast that no MMA fighter could actually hit him. Even though it's not a real fight, think about what he did to Kareem in Game of Death. MMA fighters are geared up for fights which last (guessing) 5-8 minutes on average with a break. Bruce was in incredible enough shape to outlast anyone you pit him up against.

Yeah, it's easy to say he'd get bent over and humped when you're forcing someone to fight by your rules, rules which weren't invented and popularized until 30 years after his death.

Have you read some of the crazy shit Bruce Lee could do? Do yourself a little search. He could pluck GRAINS OF FUCKING RICE OUT OF THE AIR WITH CHOPSTICKS.

Given a large window of training, he would shred MMA fighters, INCLUDING some (I'm sure at some point someone could grapple him) heavyweights. Now go put on your Affliction t-shirt and stop badmouthing Bruce lest he come back from the afterlife and break your sternum with a One Inch Punch.

Posted by: D-Day at May 27, 2010 8:46 AM

I once saw Bruce Lee do push-ups in a documentary.. on two fingers.
On his thumb and index finger.
And not one, but many and fast.

And after he became famous, part of the reason he wanted to leave the Hong Kong scene was that every martial artists punk there chalenged him for street duels.

And he couldn't refuse, that would be loss of face. And ofcourse he didn't loose al lot of fights.

Posted by: Magiel at May 27, 2010 10:05 AM

pluck GRAINS OF FUCKING RICE OUT OF THE AIR...

Yeah dude was very fast, blah blah blah. But just like every other single school martial artist he had no ground game. First clench and Bruce would be tied into a pretzel.

Posted by: EricD at May 27, 2010 10:23 AM

What a silly thing to say... you assume that one of the most freakishly athletic humans in recent history had no ground game, what evidence do you have for this? Don't you think maybe he would have TRAINED for this imaginary fight?

Posted by: S.K. at May 27, 2010 10:56 AM

"every other single school martial artist"

I'm glad you took the time to pull away from being the last link in a Macho Man Randy Savage-Brock Lesnar-Fedor Human Centipede and grace our page, but please go back.

Bruce wins. Bruce always wins.

Posted by: D-Day at May 27, 2010 11:08 AM

Don't you think maybe he would have TRAINED for this imaginary fight?

Well yeah. Which is why I said, "Assuming he trained the way they do now he would probably be competitive in his weight class".

Posted by: EricD at May 27, 2010 12:01 PM

@ EricD

Bruce Lee did not study just one form of martial arts; he studied many. He studied under some of the greatest masters of his time. He studied written texts. He then took what he had learned, added some of his profound insights into style and technique, and synthesized something entirely new in the Tao of Jeet Kun Do. The man was a scholar, a strategist, and a fighter. He would not be beaten by some mook from the MMA.

PS Jet Li would totally beat Jackie Chan in a fight. Chan is getting older and has so abused his body. Li is younger and fitter.

Posted by: androstarr at May 27, 2010 12:05 PM

Perhaps you've heard of Jeet Kune Do? It is the martial art Bruce Lee invented. Let's see what it involved?

From Wikipedia (emphasis added):
"Jeet Kune Do is a hybrid martial arts system and life philosophy founded by Bruce Lee in 1967 with direct, non-classical and straightforward movements. Jeet Kune Do is primarily an open hand system. The system works on the use of different 'tools' for different situations. These situations are broken down into ranges (Kicking, Punching, Trapping and Grappling), with techniques flowing smoothly between them. Also, it is referred to as a "style without style". Unlike more traditional martial arts, Jeet Kune Do is not fixed or patterned, and is a philosophy with guiding thoughts."

In short, Bruce Lee looks at your MMA and says, "I invented that shit 30 years ago." Then he farts in your mouth.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 27, 2010 12:22 PM

I invented that shit 30 years ago

Okay I stand corrected. He had a rudimentary ground game developed decades ago. And I am sure it would hold up just as well as every other sports technology thats 30 years old.

Posted by: EricD at May 27, 2010 12:26 PM

Either we assume both fighters are in their prime and enjoy similar training or we assume Bruce Lee is beating the shit out of toddlers, kicking pregnant women in the stomach and/or punching eventual fathers in the balls. Don't be an asshat.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 27, 2010 12:34 PM

Christ, let's just call up Deadliest Warrior and let them decide it for us. I personally want to see a Bruce Lee impersonator fight a Brock Lesnar impersonator in the hills of southern California - I mean "China."

Posted by: mightygodking at May 27, 2010 3:26 PM

my unsubstantiated internet argument is better than yours.

Posted by: Lennon at May 27, 2010 5:03 PM

How did no one mention Tony Jaa in all these comments? Dude bicycle kicks people OFF ELEPHANTS. Scariest motherfucker in the martial arts movie world right now. I mean Jesus, he disappeared into the jungle during Ong Bak for WEEKS and came back solely to kick more ass.

Posted by: RyanH at May 28, 2010 12:01 PM