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Adam Sandler Sodomizes You in the Eyeball
Wear an Eye Patch / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | September 18, 2008 | Comments (19)

keri-russell-headband.jpgA TV spot for Adam Sandler’s holiday film, Bedtime Stories is currently airing. And it makes me sad in my soul. Not because it doesn’t look like your run-of-the-mill Adam Sandler punch in the sternum. But because it does. But while the TV spot does show you that Courtney Cox is also in it (probably as the best friend or sister), it doesn’t show you who else is in it.

Keri Russell is the love interest. Yeah. Felicity. Russell Brand is also in it. And, perhaps most criminal: Guy Pierce has stooped to doing a bad Adam Sandler comedy.

Why would Russell, Brand, and Pearce all sign on to a Sandler film, directed by the worst director in Hollywood, Adam Shankman (Hairspray, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, The Pacifier)? At least in Russell and Pearce’s case, they haven’t yet sold out to bad studio comedies. Why now? And why for Shankman and Sandler?

It does, however, allow me the opportunity to repeat my theory: Starring as a love interest in a Sandler comedy is the kiss of death for an actress. Save for Drew Berrymore, no romantic lead in a Sandler comedy has ever been quite the same afterward (Winona Ryder, Joey Lauren Adams, Kate Beckinsale, Patricia Arquette, Fairuza Balk, Bridgette Wilson, and even Emily Watson). It was good knowing you, Keri. Now, let’s keep Amy Adams away from Sandler.

Here’s the spot:


← Dane Cook Pleads for Eye Sodomy | Stephen Colbert's Comedy Central Christmas Special →



Comments

Keri! You had Nathan Fillion AND pie in Waitress. Why? For the love of pie, why?

Posted by: BWeaves at September 18, 2008 9:46 AM

I thought there was gonna be sodomy.


/disappointed

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 18, 2008 9:51 AM

Adam Sandler makes another bombedy this time sullying Keri Russell AND Guy Pierce, and suddenly Marquis de Sade gets a shout out from the advertisement robots. It's the end of days.


Where did I put that damn cyanide capsule...

Posted by: Mella at September 18, 2008 10:08 AM

I'm just going to say what everyone's been thinking:

Keri Russell is a doode.

You know it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at September 18, 2008 10:17 AM

Man, B-Slim I'm sensing a pattern. You see dicks everywhere you look. Does it make you feel anxious? Giddy? Or perhaps resentful? I'm concerned.

Posted by: firedmyass at September 18, 2008 10:45 AM

She is? *processes thought* I. Don't. Care.

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 18, 2008 11:21 AM

I like dumb Adam Sandler movies. Especially Big Daddy. Yes, fine, hang me by my vas deferens for blaspheming so.

Posted by: Lucas at September 18, 2008 11:41 AM

"Winona Ryder, Joey Lauren Adams, Kate Beckinsale, Patricia Arquette, Fairuza Balk, Bridgette Wilson, and even Emily Watson"

Don Cheadle

What? That wasn't a comedy?

Posted by: bucdaddy at September 18, 2008 11:52 AM

Aw, Lucas, I won't judge.

Mostly because I have the same horribly embarrassing weakness for Adam Sandler.

My wedding song was "I Wanna Grow Old With You".

Posted by: pea at September 18, 2008 12:01 PM

My sister and I to this day sometimes look at each other and go "Damn you, scuba Steve!" whilst shaking our fists in the air. Also, I (this will surely lose me any Pajiba cred) I kind of like Waterboy. Mostly because of Kathy Bates and for some unknown reason I have kind of a girl crush on Fairuza Balk.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned...

Posted by: Knife Pile Palin (formerly Anna von Beaverplatz) at September 18, 2008 12:59 PM

Ye of little faith.

Keri will bathe this project with goodness and light, and it will be brought around just like Scrooge was.

Posted by: that bees chick at September 18, 2008 1:53 PM

Oh, you mean "remake of Hairspray."

Which means that all they would have to do to fix this is give it to John Waters. Then we would be pretty much assured that there would be sodomy AND Kerri Russell would be a doode.

Posted by: frumpiefox at September 18, 2008 6:28 PM

Dude, Adam Sandler needs to realize that he's old and ugly and pick a love interest born within a decade of him.

Posted by: WWTP at September 18, 2008 8:49 PM

"If you touch the thermostat, you'll get hit with a bat, 'cause that's a Technical Foul."

All hail the mindless sump pump of Eight Crazy Nights.

Posted by: Lucas at September 18, 2008 10:23 PM

Keri Russell will never live down the shame of being the love interest in an Adam Sandler movie. Maybe she has post-partum depression...what are the other dudes' excuse though? They all totally need to be hung by their van deferens(es?) (sorry to whoever used this for liking Big Daddy, but I think it's funny so I'm taking it....yoink!)

Posted by: ph at September 20, 2008 5:43 PM

For those of you who bag on Sandler, how much money do u guys make again?? How famous are you??? Oh thats right you guys are nobodies who like to run your so stfu. kthnxbi

Posted by: Teh one at September 20, 2008 7:19 PM

your mouth* so stfu lol

Posted by: Teh one at September 20, 2008 7:20 PM

That was a wildly compelling argument, Teh one. I believe my entire world view has shifted. Indeed, I fear I'm a bit dizzy from the virtual whirlwind of your stunning intellect.

Posted by: Sarina at September 20, 2008 7:30 PM

Hey, Teh one, I think you forgot to correct the rest of the dumb shit in your comment.

Posted by: jM at September 20, 2008 7:53 PM