Because the Universe Hates You: Random News that Will Make You Drink
Do you ever think to yourself that your day would be better if you could just get some more of Taylor Swift in your life? No? Well get your vodka handy because Diet Coke just signed Taylor Swift to a long term advertising contract that will put her in print, television, and digital advertising. Try to read this quote from a disposable Coca-Cola executive without actually literally dying:
"Taylor's unmatched business savvy, talent and drive to succeed are an inspiration to everyone. She's an extraordinary individual and a wonderful symbol of achievement. Taylor tells us that every day Diet Coke plays a small part in helping her stay extraordinary. It's one of the many reasons she's the ideal partner to represent our brand."
The Unabomber's manifesto contains more truth than that statement. So help me, Dustin, if Taylor Swift Diet Coke ads start taking over my browser when I visit Pajiba, I'm going to build an atomic weapon in my garage, paint your face on the cone, and ride the bomb out of the plane onto the headquarters of Coca-Cola.
Oh hey, in other news Ashton Kutcher was hospitalized after following Steve Jobs' diet of only eating fruit in preparation for playing him in the upcoming film jOBS. First point: that is the stupidest spelling of a movie title ever, and I am including the Fast and the Furious and Final Destination franchises in that calculation. Second, everyone knows that fruit is the healthiest food that you can eat other than fried cheese curds. If a diet of fruit hospitalizes you with "pancreas levels [that] were completely out of whack" you may need reminded that cherry vodka is not in fact a fruit, and if that's not the solution, perhaps consider that if the good food is trying to kill you, maybe you're just not a very good person. I mean if Gandhi kicks you in the junk, you just know you should make some life changes.
Finally, Paul Giamatti is in talks to play the Rhino in Spider-Man 2.1. Because when you get an actor of that caliber, the most important thing to do is cast him as a Russian guy in a supersuit with a horn. What, was the character of "Sucks-own-ass-Man" tied up in litigation and thus unavailable?
"I thought Rhino was the greatest thing when I was a little kid. It was a guy who was basically in this rhinoceros outfit, and I always thought, 'Why don't they have The Rhino in one of their movies.' But maybe The Rhino wasn't that big of a deal for anybody but me. ... If they ever go with The Rhino, I would be ready and waiting."
Oh Paul, that might be the saddest thing I've read all day.