Because the Universe Hates You: Random News that Will Make You Drink

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Because the Universe Hates You: Random News that Will Make You Drink

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | January 29, 2013 | Comments ()


Do you ever think to yourself that your day would be better if you could just get some more of Taylor Swift in your life? No? Well get your vodka handy because Diet Coke just signed Taylor Swift to a long term advertising contract that will put her in print, television, and digital advertising. Try to read this quote from a disposable Coca-Cola executive without actually literally dying:

"Taylor's unmatched business savvy, talent and drive to succeed are an inspiration to everyone. She's an extraordinary individual and a wonderful symbol of achievement. Taylor tells us that every day Diet Coke plays a small part in helping her stay extraordinary. It's one of the many reasons she's the ideal partner to represent our brand."

The Unabomber's manifesto contains more truth than that statement. So help me, Dustin, if Taylor Swift Diet Coke ads start taking over my browser when I visit Pajiba, I'm going to build an atomic weapon in my garage, paint your face on the cone, and ride the bomb out of the plane onto the headquarters of Coca-Cola.

(source: THR)

Oh hey, in other news Ashton Kutcher was hospitalized after following Steve Jobs' diet of only eating fruit in preparation for playing him in the upcoming film jOBS. First point: that is the stupidest spelling of a movie title ever, and I am including the Fast and the Furious and Final Destination franchises in that calculation. Second, everyone knows that fruit is the healthiest food that you can eat other than fried cheese curds. If a diet of fruit hospitalizes you with "pancreas levels [that] were completely out of whack" you may need reminded that cherry vodka is not in fact a fruit, and if that's not the solution, perhaps consider that if the good food is trying to kill you, maybe you're just not a very good person. I mean if Gandhi kicks you in the junk, you just know you should make some life changes.

(source: THR)

Finally, Paul Giamatti is in talks to play the Rhino in Spider-Man 2.1. Because when you get an actor of that caliber, the most important thing to do is cast him as a Russian guy in a supersuit with a horn. What, was the character of "Sucks-own-ass-Man" tied up in litigation and thus unavailable?

Said Giamatti:

"I thought Rhino was the greatest thing when I was a little kid. It was a guy who was basically in this rhinoceros outfit, and I always thought, 'Why don't they have The Rhino in one of their movies.' But maybe The Rhino wasn't that big of a deal for anybody but me. ... If they ever go with The Rhino, I would be ready and waiting."

Oh Paul, that might be the saddest thing I've read all day.

(source: THR)

Vanity Fair's Adventures in Hollywood Issue Features Eddie Redmayne Dancing with a Bear and Emma Stone Cuddling with an Emu | Biz Break: Amy Poehler Continues to Put Will Arnett In Her Reahview, and Sean Penn Wants To Be A Franchise Action Hero

Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • E-Money

    I do have one thing in common with T-Swift. I like my microphones to match my outfits too. I think it's an important statement.

    That statement being "This microphone doesn't work."

  • e jerry powell

    You have re-awakened the Kutchner schadenfreude in me. Better than caffeine.

  • babykangarootribbiani

    what;s extraordinary is that taylor swift is able to keep tricking people into doing business with her

  • dizzylucy

    If I drink Diet Coke, the artificial sweeteners give me a horrific, lay on the floor and groan headache. So yeah, I can see the Taylor Swift connection.

    Oh Ashton, you couldn't just...act? Never mind, stupid question.

  • bleujayone

    "Taylor tells us that every day Diet Coke plays a small part in helping her stay extraordinary."

    -If by that you mean she drops Mentos into 2-liter bottles of Diet Coke and sprays it all over pictures of men who've done her wrong while screaming things at them angrily that will later be re-purposed into shitty break-up songs, then maybe.

  • Snath

    They'll probably do an Alex O'Hirn version of Rhino. Makes more sense.

  • Bert_McGurt

    If this Diet Coke thing lasts anywhere near as long as her other relationships, we can look forward to Taylor's next album featuring such hits as "Aspar-tame My Broken Heart", "I'll Never Drink You Again", and the title track "Artificial Sweetener, Artificial Love".

  • John G.

    by title alone, I'd say it's already better than a Taylor Swift song.

  • Forward Observer

    I still think the dumbest movie spelling is Se7en. Also, while not a movie, it still pisses me off to no end that the Sci-Fi channel is now SyFy.

  • Frank

    The Syfy thing is an annoying yet necessary evil in a world dominated by the internet and its search engines.

  • Bert_McGurt

    "Ashton, I've got some bad news about your pancreas levels. Our tests indicate that you now have 17.82 pancreases compared to the, one.

    Oh, and your insulin and all that sh*t is, like, really high too. Probably cause of all the extra pancreases."

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Ok, that did actually make me laugh out loud. (and still is)

  • lowercase_ryan

    "Taylor's unmatched waist line, suspended adolescence, and ability to drive men from her bed are an inspiration to self-important tweens everywhere. She's extraordinarily white and a woeful symbol of today's youth. Every day Taylor tells anyone who will listen that John Mayer plays a small part in helping her stay bitter. It's one of the many reasons she's the ideal partner to represent a hollow shell filled with synthetic crap."

  • ,

    How do you rec this goddam thing?

  • lowercase_ryan


  • ,

    That's too easy. All the classy sites have a "rec" tab so that if a comment gets enough "recs" it turns a loverly emerald green. Pajiba is apparently too cheap to be so stylish. Rowles probably lavishes the revenue stream on stupid shit like his kids and food.

  • lowercase_ryan

    yeah, Discuss just has the little upvote tab. I'm cool with it though, never been one for fancy.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Holy wow. I never realized Disqus was supposed to sound like "Discuss."

    I'd say it's because I don't use enough text shorthands, but I do like to figure out a good clever license plate...I must be out of practice.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I knew it was supposed to sound like discuss but in my mind, I hear it as discus. And then I get a visual of a naked Greek at an early Olympics ceremony. It's very busy in my head.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Except in the pants department.

  • lowercase_ryan

    yeah but those are hand-me-downs.

  • I don't know, I kind of liked the Giamatti one. I think he's done enough 'I'm a serious actor seriously acting serious' roles that if he wants to take a role as a character he's always loved in a comic book movie...I say more power to him.

    It's like Ben Kingsley. Someone asked him why, after being classically trained and doing Shakespeare and playing Gandhi, he would agree to be in 'Bloodrayne' and he said 'You know, I've always wanted to play a vampire, and I never got the chance until now, so I took it.'

  • John G.

    "Taylor tells us that every day Diet Coke plays a small part in helping her stay extraordinary."

    God Damn It, who's gonna clean all this vomit off my nice new monitor? I'm gonna be late for work now.

  • Dragonchild

    If she actually said that, she's pretty clever. Diet Coke plays a small part in my life, as well. That "part" is merely the casual exposure to Coca-Cola's saturation marketing tactics; I don't drink the stuff at all. But it's there, and the phrase is vague enough to be true. If any of her events were sponsored by Coca-Cola for any amount, she's not lying. She's using a particularly cynical form of politick-speech, though, and I think that's why I despise her.

    Taylor Swift strikes me as this generation's Madonna -- assuming she's calling her own shots at all, the key to her success is in business savvy, not creativity. None of her works impress me, but they're functional enough that she can sell them to the target audience, and boy does she sell herself. In other words, she's a marketer selling herself as a product, not an artist putting in the necessary effort to sell genuine art. I think it's sociopathically shameless, but I acknowledge the talent.

  • ,

    You pretty much just described every politician above county commissioner, too, especially the "sociopath" part.

  • John G.

    Hey, don't trust the county commissioner either

  • TK

    Shhhh.... if you listen very closely, no matter where you are, you can hear Courtney Enlow Hall's screams of rage.

  • Natallica

    Wow, for a moment I thought it was Emma Stone on that header picture. Which made me realize a Taylor Swift biopic is going to happen sometime. Ours is a cruel, cruel world

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I believe she's the only one of the current crop of pop stars who hasn't done a "look at my life" biopic.

  • TK


  • Natallica

    Dun, dun, duuuuuuuuuuunnnn!

  • Green Lantern

    Paul Giamatti - The Ready and Waiting Rhino.

    There's a better joke in there somewhere. I just know it.

  • annoyingmouse

    Didn't Jobs die of pancreatic cancer?

  • Dragonchild

    The fruit diet didn't cause the cancer; according to his Wiki article, he tried to treat pancreatic cancer with fruit juice. Which is kind of like treating a broken leg by hitting it with a sledgehammer. Jobs was a great marketer, but the other aspects of his much-touted intellect were considerably weaker.

    As for Kutcher, something tells me he didn't literally eat fruit so much as mimic that fruit juice fasting, which WILL throw off the pancreas. Fructose by-products render insulin inactive. Without the fiber to slow consumption and attenuate the fructose absorption, and consuming nothing else, I can't say I'm shocked by the outcome. But hyperglycemia isn't the same as cancer; the only lesson here is just how fantastically stupid Steve Jobs was when it came to science -- he actually tried to treat his failing pancreas with the worst diet you can possibly consume if you have a failing pancreas.

  • Kris

    I'm betting he was just desperate. When your death sentence has already been handed down, a last minute bullshit appeal is forgivable.

  • BWeaves

    Really smart people, like genius smart, often lack normal common sense. I remember a CNN article a few months ago about a brain surgeon who tried to propose to his girlfriend by burying a diamond ring on a beach and having her dig it up. Needless to say, they could never find it, and he had to hire a guy with a metal detector to find it. If I was the girlfriend, the romance would have ended right there.

  • Dragonchild

    One isn't the other. The intellectual elite can often seem enigmatic but some of that is just higher expectations. Apparently a lot of them drink to cope with the fact that almost everyone around them is stupid by comparison. You empathize with the girlfriend, but I'd imagine the surgeon was disappointed that the girlfriend couldn't solve this problem on her own.

    Jobs is different. It's difficult to state this without someone getting the impression I'm understating the things he WAS good at (vision, marketing, etc.), but as a "genius" his overall intellect was GREATLY exaggerated. People didn't hate him because they didn't understand him; they hated him because he was a jackass. His strength was the ability to visualize products that were technically feasible and anticipate demand before the product even existed, which made him worth his weight in gold for a consumer products company, which is why people were forced to put up with him (and to be fair, can't argue with the results). But the fact that he was supremely talented a few things doesn't give him some magical exemption for areas where he was unreasonable or even downright retarded. I.e., his lack of common sense wasn't because he was some sort of genius; it's because he lacked common sense. The value of his skills are measured almost entirely by what they were worth to Apple, which is a lot, but if RoI in a company executive position was the only measure of intelligence then Einstein was an drooling, blithering idiot.

    FWIW, I've known plenty of downright brilliant people who knew better than to go to a psychic to treat cancer.

  • BWeaves

    " You empathize with the girlfriend, but I'd imagine the surgeon was
    disappointed that the girlfriend couldn't solve this problem on her own."

    The surgeon couldn't find it, either, and he's the one who buried it. He took her to the wrong spot, then began digging all over the place by himself, then hired the guy with the metal detector. Basically, he was a jackass, too.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    "he was a jackass too"

    I'm really confused why the girlfriend is a jackass in this scenario (implied by saying he's one too). I'm even more confused by Dragonchild's analysis that a ring stupidly buried in the sand was a problem the girlfriend needed to "solve". Is this proposal some sort of skill test?

    To me, the stupid one is the man who buries a very expensive ring on a beach and obviously fails to mark it in one of any myriad of ways (e.g. landmark, flag, map, GPS).

  • Dragonchild

    My point is that there's a difference between smart to the point of eccentric (which isn't for a lack of common sense) and someone very talented in one thing but facepalming stupid in others. I wasn't given a particularly convenient example to work with.

  • Yes, Kutcher apparently is so method that he can make his pancreas shut down.

  • zeke_the_pig

    By the sounds of it poor Giamatti's been on a Diet Coke-only diet. His brain's turned all to bubbles.

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