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Because The Universe Hates You: Deconstructing The New Year's Eve Poster

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (18)

New-Years-Eve-Movie-Poster-510x341.jpg

“New Year’s Eve” celebrates love, hope, forgiveness, second chances and fresh starts, in the intertwining stories told amidst the pulse and promise of New York City on the most dazzling night of the year.

Barf.

NYE_1sht_DOM2.png


Halle Berry: This grin? This is my “I won an Oscar, bitch” grin, I’ll do whatever the fuck I want. And shut up about Catwoman.

Ashton Kutcher: (sound of wind whistling behind his eyes)

Jessica Biel: I will literally act in anything. Tell me I’m pretty?

Jon Bon Jovi: I’ve seen a million faces, and I’VE ROCKED THEM ALL, MOTHERFUCKERS. Also, this is my only expression.

Katherine Heigl: I don’t feel that this material warrants your viewership. I have standards you know. That said, they drove a busload of money to my house.

Sarah Jessica Parker: Wait, this isn’t Sex In The City 4? Oh. I’m still so happy and pretty! LOOK HOW HAPPY AND PRETTY.

Abigail Breslin: Cut me some slack, I’m just killing time until my next decent picture, OK? Hence my forced smile.

Ludacris: Watch out, my outfit’s ridiculous.

Sofia Vergara: This is not art. This is an unholy mix between man and beast.

Michelle Pfeiffer: Oh God, clearly I’ve got to stop answering the phone when I’m drunk.

Hilary Swank: Yes, I know, me and SJP in the same movie. Hilarious. Try to restrain yourselves from making the obvious stable jokes, please. Besides, does that twiggy bitch have an Oscar? No, she does not.

Seth Meyers: (breaks character, giggles)

Hector Elizondo: Oh God, that’s the last time I go out drinking with Pfeiffer.

Til Schweiger: I just wanted to play something other than a villain or a Nazi, ja?

Josh Duhamel: No, fuck that. Olyphant is the poor man’s Duhamel, amiright? Huh? No? Shit.

Robert DeNiro: I’ve lost the will to live.

Lea Michelle: I get to sing, right? Right? Because I don’t know if you guys know, but I’m, like, a totally great singer.

Zac Efron:Dude, this is gonna be just as awesome as Charlie St. Cloud.









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Comments

Wait - the end of the world comes in Dec 2011 now, not 2012?

Posted by: jayco at October 14, 2011 11:38 AM

How many big name actors can be on a big budget film that I still won't see? Apparently the answer is somewhere above 18.

And I realize that this has a huge ensemble on purpose, but someone should tell the poster designer that it doesn't mean he has to fit ALL of them in. That thing looks like celebri-barf.

Barf.

Oh you noticed it too?

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at October 14, 2011 11:40 AM

Damn you. Now I have that stupid "Yeah" verse stuck in my head. If you hold the head steady I'mma milk the cow... *headdesk*

Til Schweiger, noooooo!

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at October 14, 2011 11:45 AM

Good post. I'm afraid I do have to point out a little mistake though: Til Schweiger IS playing a Nazi in this.

After all the characters are introduced his character snaps and spends the rest of the film hunting down each character and murderously stuffing a pillow into their gaping facile mouths. All without disturbing the jaunty angle of that hat on his head. Smotheriffic.

That's why I'll be watching. In my head. While at home. Wanking.

Posted by: zeke the pig at October 14, 2011 11:51 AM

It is not proof the universe hates us. It is proof that you hate us TK. This should come as no surprise to anyone who visits Pajiba thus this post is redundant and I don't have to read it. I win!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 14, 2011 11:54 AM

You're slipping, TK. If you would have let us know when this celebrity circle jerk was filming, we could have taken care of things before it ever got to this stage.

Posted by: admin at October 14, 2011 12:02 PM

Alternate title suggestions for New Years Eve:

Night of a Thousand Stars With IRS Problems

Smorgasbord: The Movie

Actually Love, He's Just Not Into Valentine's Day

Coming to Redbox Spring 2012

Posted by: Wednesday at October 14, 2011 12:28 PM

In the club lookin so conspicuous...

Goddammit, Luda, you're supposed to be too cool for this shit.


Posted by: Figgy at October 14, 2011 12:37 PM

You have to admit though, it does appear that he's got ho's.

Posted by: admin at October 14, 2011 12:43 PM

The blandness... I'm calling this Taupe: The Movie from now on.

Posted by: branded at October 14, 2011 12:46 PM

You forgot the glasses of champagne.
What are they thinking? What's their motivation?
How does a classy beverage like this feel about slumming it in such a turd fest?
I ask this because these glasses of booze might be the most interesting thing about this movie.

Posted by: Odnon. at October 14, 2011 12:53 PM

This seems like it should be a machine designed to put all of these actors' careers out of their misery. With the exception of only a couple of these, each of these people should retire and save us all from having to see them ever again. Unfortunately, this will probably just lead to the next installment; Flag Day.

Posted by: Paultera at October 14, 2011 1:05 PM

Poor Til. He's just too stupid to believe all those people telling him he's got the acting ability of a tree stump.

Posted by: FabMax at October 14, 2011 1:49 PM

Pajiba MST3K party. 3rd week when the audience has disappeared just before this gets pulled from theaters. 10 p.m. showing on Wednesday night. Be there!

Posted by: DarthCorleone at October 14, 2011 2:02 PM

Do you know what you made me do? You made me laugh and I dropped potato chip down my cleavage. Do you know how hard it is to dig potato chip out of your cleavage while you're at work? Let me tell you, it's damn hard.

Screw you, TK. Now every time I eat a chip I'm going to think of this offal.

But that's okay. I'm too relieved that the person I thought was Joshua Jackson (RIP) is actually Josh Duhamel. This is the perfect vehicle for someone with Duhamel's level of talent and charm.

Posted by: Lipton at October 14, 2011 2:09 PM

This poster physically hurts me.

Posted by: K at October 14, 2011 2:48 PM

Oh Ms. Lipton. Let me get that for you...

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at October 14, 2011 3:29 PM

what a terrible poster, seriously, it's like some body kept telling the poor designer MORE GOLD!!!! YOU HERE ME... WE NEED MORE GOLD!!!!!
and why does everybody look stoned in the pictures???
they are really not trying anymore, it's kinda sad

Posted by: YS at October 15, 2011 9:35 AM