Bazooka Gum Movie

Hollywood Reaches New Low, Then Digs Deeper

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (66)

“Michael Eisner has tapped newcomer Mark Hammer to pen a feature adaptation of “Bazooka Joe,” the comic strip that comes with Bazooka bubble gum.”

Hey look! A staircase!

*thunk thump thunk thumpitty thumk thwap*

Is my neck broken? No.

Again!

*thunk thump thunk thumpitty thumk thwap*

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Comments

Gee Dustin, I don't know why you're getting all suicidal. This is fabulous news! REALLY! What could possibly be wrong with some good, clean, family fun in the form of a Bazooka Joe movie?

/Starts eying her desk for sharp implements.

Posted by: tamatha at May 22, 2009 9:44 AM

PEZ the movie. Make it happen.

Posted by: Eep at May 22, 2009 9:46 AM

PAJIBITES!!! I HAVE THE ANSWER.WE'VE ALL SEEN SCANNERS!!! CONCETRATE, HARD ON THESE....PEOPLE, FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD,UNTIL THEIR HEADS EXPLODE. THERE ARE ENOUGH OF US THAT SOME OF US MUST HAVE SOME LATENT PSYCHIC POWERS, AND FOR THOSE THAT DONT, OUR COMBINED, CONCENTRATED, DIRECTED HATE, WILL HAVE TO DESTROY THEM ALL...READY

SET

GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Nadine at May 22, 2009 9:46 AM

Everyone loves a kid with an eyepatch! They're so heartwarming and endearing!

Posted by: Snath at May 22, 2009 9:47 AM

Terminator has been out for two days now guys. Come on!

Posted by: Eva at May 22, 2009 9:47 AM

I really think Hollywood's gone way beyond jumping the shark now. I think they've reached the gang-banging a hippo stage.

Posted by: admin at May 22, 2009 9:48 AM

I'm curious about (and terrified of) this "Magic Circle Club" to which he refers... will this movie be rated NC-17 by any chance?

Posted by: Patty O'Green at May 22, 2009 9:49 AM

Everyone loves a kid with an eyepatch! They're so heartwarming and endearing!

I find your lack of depth perception...endearing.

Posted by: branded at May 22, 2009 9:53 AM

they've reached the gang-banging a hippo stage.

admin - that had me cackling.

Posted by: tamatha at May 22, 2009 9:59 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at May 22, 2009 10:03 AM

Gee Dustin, this is some great news! No, really, fantastic! I can't wait to see this.

*Starts pouring shots of Drain-O*

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at May 22, 2009 10:03 AM

Five minutes in, this movie will lose its flavor and elasticity and get stuck in my teeth. No thanks...bring on "Big League Chew The Movie."

Posted by: puregonzo at May 22, 2009 10:05 AM

Eep... Does it make me a horrible person to think that I could see a PEZ movie working?... Hear me out - maybe a Pixar feature?

Posted by: Gnaius at May 22, 2009 10:08 AM

You know, Gnaius, I started thinking the same thing after I wrote it... If they don't end up a feature they at least NEED to be supporting players in something, if they haven't already.

Posted by: Eep at May 22, 2009 10:12 AM

WHAT

THE

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK??????

Posted by: boo at May 22, 2009 10:17 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Because Mommy doesn't like when he pops his gum.

Posted by: Snath at May 22, 2009 10:32 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Because when he was blowing Bubbles, he missed.

Posted by: admin at May 22, 2009 10:34 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

He was eating Poprocks and it went horribly awry.

Posted by: Julie at May 22, 2009 10:35 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Have you ever HAD Bazooka? He was trying to throw a piece up and catch it in his mouth and missed. That stuff is like little bits of brick.

Can someone please write a movie about the secret, sordid lives of the M & M's? I mean, we know the girl M & M is a slut, as evidenced by her new commercials....but WHY is she a slut? Why are there 2 stupid ones? Why is one afraid of Santa? THESE are the questions America wants answers to!!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 22, 2009 10:43 AM

I'm laughing my ass off because every time you guys talk about how Hollywood couldn't sink any lower or fuck up something any worse, bam! They do.

Live televised executions, ala Running Man, it's coming, trust me.

Posted by: John W at May 22, 2009 10:45 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Remember Darryl Hannah in Kill Bill? Yeah, same reason.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at May 22, 2009 10:46 AM

And what about Junior Mints? Who's the Senior Mint?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at May 22, 2009 10:46 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Because Bazooka gum contains fiberglass to increase the gum absorption.

Posted by: branded at May 22, 2009 10:49 AM

Typically I'm pretty forgiving with movies (will turn in Pajiba card later), figuring hey-- as long as it makes some people happy, it can't be all bad (torture porn excepted). I mean, sure--- the cynical contempt that goes into some of the stuff Hollywood churns out is infuriating. I'm with you! But it's not like we're talking genocide, cancer, or Dick Cheney here.

However, this disturbs the ever-loving bajeebus out of me. I just can't shake the feeling that movie ideas like these are a sign of an impending Farenheit 451 society. In fact, I'm going to go pick up a nice, sturdy safe room for my books, music, and movies.

Why does he have an eyepatch?

He took the cork off the fork.

Posted by: ShinyKate at May 22, 2009 10:50 AM

Next up, all the Doublemint twins and their whacky adventures. What happens when they meet up with that kid who's hopped up on Mentos?

Posted by: Cindy at May 22, 2009 10:50 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Attempted self-fellatio eye-pokeage.

Posted by: Julie at May 22, 2009 10:51 AM

Damn, Julie! That would make his spine more flexible than the gum!

Posted by: ShinyKate at May 22, 2009 10:52 AM

Oh hollywood, movie concept for everyone - Nerds why are they mishaped multi colored globs of highly concentrated sugar (the untold story)

Posted by: blacksred at May 22, 2009 10:59 AM

So the movie is going to be roughly the same length as "Bambi meets Godzilla"?

Posted by: Uncle JR at May 22, 2009 11:00 AM

also in devleopment
1. Menage a Trois: The Snap, Crackle & Pop Story
2. It Ain't Easy Being Green: A Jolly Giant's Tale
3. The Gordon's Fisherman vs. Charlie the Tuna in Moby Dick 2010.
4. Van Helsing II starring Franken Berry, Count Chocula, Boo Berry, the Fruit Brute and the Yummy Mummy
5. Pirates of the Carribean 4: The Curse of Captain Crunch
*Somebody ram a hot poker in my eye for the love of God!!! Where is Jim Jones when you need some Kool Aid*
Oh Wait one more movie
6. Ohhhh Yeahhhhhh! The Juice is Loose!

Posted by: Todd at May 22, 2009 11:14 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

The gum was made in China, and contained an actual bazooka.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at May 22, 2009 11:15 AM

Damn, Julie! That would make his spine more flexible than the gum!

It's Bazooka, anything is more flexible than that gum.

Posted by: Snath at May 22, 2009 11:20 AM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Centuries ago, an dark wizard brought forth a demon with the intent of taken over the nether realms. However the demon was far more powerful than the wizard, and despite the blackest of magics, the wizard had no choice but... uh...

I have no fucking clue where I'm going with this.

Squirrel attack. There. Done & done.

Posted by: Skitz at May 22, 2009 11:50 AM

OHMYGODHERESABETTERONE!

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Because his dad flipped out on LSD and ate it right outta his noggin.

It works because it's true...

Posted by: Skiz at May 22, 2009 11:51 AM

If you make a blow gun with a McDonalds straw and an ice pick it never ends well. Certainly, never make two and share with a friend.

Posted by: slower lower at May 22, 2009 11:52 AM

We Melt in Your Mouth: The M&M Story

It's about the famous candy's rise to the top and everything they had to do to get there.

Posted by: admin at May 22, 2009 11:58 AM

Oh Hollywood why can't you just go and die, yeah I said it just shrivel up and die, take your toned tinsle town ass and shove it. We are sick and tired of you're recycled, bloated, pathetic, piss-ass offerings. We want to see Films not half baked concepts decided on a game of golf and you're 1951 market studies.
Stop remaking brilliant originals, the remakes suck, stop letting people like Miley Frikkin Cyrus rape the next generation's minds-a one hit wonder daddy does not a star make, go to film festivals, read scripts by new writers, see whats out there, step outside your rolex wearing, tassle shoed, blue tooth obsessed, wannabe original, want money more, buying a third holiday home in santa barbara enclosed boxes and stop giving us shit on a plate!

I can see the conversation of how this mockery came about
Honch 1 'hey I need a pitch for tomorrow'
Honch 2 'man I love doing blow off a hookers ass it reminds me of bazuka gum, I loved that gum I always wondered why the kid had a patch though...pass me another mai tai'
Honch 1 'Eureka, Bazooka gum!! It can be a an action adventure of how the bazuka kid got his eye patch!!! Oh I can see the sequels now, man that was hard work lets call up Lindsey Lohan and see if shes free for a 'party' wait what am I saying, Lohan is always free Mwahahahahaha'

I'll do the hard work for you Hollywood, the kid got an eye patch because I kicked him in the face until his eye fell out. There, film over, go back to the drawing board. Morons.

Posted by: Nieve at May 22, 2009 12:03 PM

Bazooka Gum: It's always funny until someone loses an eye.

Posted by: slower lower at May 22, 2009 12:11 PM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Since there is no topping Skiz's awful, awful, awfully too-soon-why-did-that-amuse-me-where-is-my-soul answer, I'll just give the obvious answer; slingshot accident. Didn't all little boys in short pants and baseball caps have slingshots hanging out the back pocket?

He was sullenly amusing himself with a slingshot because his stepfather had grounded him from going to the circus with his friends; he was in trouble for trying to bring about the apocalypse and staying out past curfew.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at May 22, 2009 12:21 PM

Actually, screw the eyepatch. I wanna know why the bottom half of Mort's face is always covered up. Is it a tangled mess of scars? Spider egg-sacs? Lumpy gravy?

Maybe they'll answer the question in the inevitable sequel Bazooka II, Blow it Out Your Ass! Please be in 3D, please be in 3D, please be in 3D....

Posted by: Skitz at May 22, 2009 12:30 PM

Think I'll skip this and wait for bubblegum comic porn.

"Funnies Starring Pud," obviously.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 22, 2009 12:44 PM

Now a "Mike & Ike" buddy comedy I can see ...

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 22, 2009 12:45 PM

I'll just give the obvious answer; slingshot accident.
----------------------------------------
Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at May 22, 2009 12:21 PM

I actually had that happen to me. Right in the eye. Same eye too. Wait a minute! I want my motherfucking movie check!

Posted by: admin at May 22, 2009 12:51 PM

I once threw a stick at my brother and hit him in the eye. It was bloodshot for a week, but nothing else happened. Phew.

Posted by: Snath at May 22, 2009 1:00 PM

No thanks...bring on "Big League Chew The Movie."

you joke, but a "Big League Chew" movie could actually be about 1000x more interesting than this steaming pile of shit.

See, "Big League Chew" was invented by Jim Bouton, the author of "Ball Four" the 1st-inside-the-lockerroom tell all sports book.

Even though he's now reached his get-off-my-lawn-you-kids point, he is a pretty fascinating character and "Ball Four" is one of those legitimately laugh-out-loud funny books.

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at May 22, 2009 1:30 PM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

Bazooka gave him catARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRacts?

Thank you! try the veal.

Posted by: figgy at May 22, 2009 1:35 PM

I had an eyepatch once. When I was 12. I was at war with a tree. it may have won that fight, but the battle was over... it had already been cut down.

True Story.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at May 22, 2009 1:36 PM

Also, Snath, I threw a paring knife at my brother once. Hit him in the temple. Super shallow cut, but bled like a bitch. Holy crapoly was I scared. He was fine though. I was actually trying not to hit him, just to scare him, but I have terrible aim. I have never thrown anything since. Except that time I threw a cup of ice-cold water on the pseudo-Mr. He totally deserved that, though.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at May 22, 2009 1:40 PM

Wow. AvB is all kinds of badass. Eyepatch AND knife fight? BOO YAH.

Posted by: figgy at May 22, 2009 1:46 PM

you joke, but a "Big League Chew" movie could actually be about 1000x more interesting than this steaming pile of shit.

Well, it'd have to be modernized, so we'd end up with Big League Steriod Shots in the Ass.

Posted by: branded at May 22, 2009 1:58 PM

It's amazing how I can simultaneously defy both the auto preview and Firefox's auto spellchecker.

Posted by: branded at May 22, 2009 1:59 PM

You're one in a million branded. But I am surprised it was that one that won the race. Seemed a little slow. D'oh!

Posted by: admin at May 22, 2009 2:11 PM

How about a re boot of revenge of the nerds? colorful sugar candy vs. diabetics. There can be a really gay black candy also...

Posted by: Showemedia at May 22, 2009 4:40 PM

Why does he have an eyepatch?

...admin for the win.

Posted by: PissBoy at May 22, 2009 5:05 PM

There can be a really gay black candy also...

Posted by: Showemedia at May 22, 2009 4:40 PM
---
Licorice whips?

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at May 22, 2009 5:32 PM

In all seriousness, this could be a really cute short film.

Posted by: SaBrina at May 22, 2009 6:00 PM

I really think Hollywood's gone way beyond jumping the shark now. I think they've reached the gang-banging a hippo stage.

I almost pissed myself. I think I'll be using that one frequently.
Shite. I can't live without Pajiba.

Posted by: krza at May 22, 2009 8:46 PM

Tentetively titled: What the Hell does that guy have underneath his Turtleneck?

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at May 22, 2009 10:50 PM

A gun. I want a gun to put right in my fucking mouth. Now.

Posted by: JLRoberson at May 23, 2009 8:37 AM

admin you are my hero!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 23, 2009 1:54 PM

how about Cracker jack the movie? the search for the Prize

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at May 23, 2009 4:06 PM

Actually, I'm reading the young adult book "The Lightning Thief" and in it, it says that Los Angeles/Hollywood is the earthly portal for HADES/HELL/THE UNDERWORLD.

This explains a lot, no?

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at May 24, 2009 3:18 PM

"Why does he have an eyepatch?"

Because someone gave him a Red Ryder BB gun for Xmas?

Posted by: Rbatty at May 25, 2009 4:41 PM

A Bazooka Joe film?

ARE YOU FUCKIN' KIDDIN' ME??!

Rowles, man, if you can't hang yourself properly, then let loose the noose for someone who can... for FUCK'S sake... now I've heard Everything (and am thoroughly dismayed by the ringing in my ears).

Posted by: Rykker at May 25, 2009 7:21 PM

Or, fall down the stairs, even...

Posted by: Rykker at May 25, 2009 7:23 PM

How is this any different then "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie" from the 80s? Besides the fact that they were hugely popular...oh wait, I answered my own question.

Hollywood's need to green light dumb shit is not a new concept, in twenty years it'll be "iPod: The Movie".

Posted by: CJ at May 26, 2009 10:25 AM

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Hollywood Reaches New Low, Then Digs Deeper

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