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Battle Royale With Cheese

By Brian Prisco | Trade News | September 22, 2010 | Comments ()

By Brian Prisco | Trade News | September 22, 2010 |


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Look. I like boobs, killing things, video games, mixed martial arts, game shows involving people falling down and being injured, and stuff blowing up. But when you understand the grunting gorilla mentality behind SPIKE TV's programming, it's impossible not to feel a little closer to Idiocracy.

A lot of my friends enjoy "Deadliest Warrior," which serves mostly as an excuse to butcher meat-filled dummies with axes and giant fucking swords. Who wouldn't enjoy that? The premise behind the show is that pit two opposing awesome warriors against each other: Ninjas vs. Maori, Vikings vs. Mongols, Navy SEALS vs. Pirates. Two experts use science and history to explain the superiority of their weaponry and fighting techniques, and then they duke it out via PowerPoint presentation. Again, the only purpose behind the show is to make bloody-go-booms.

Paramount has decided to turn this into a feature film. Now, immediately, I make the mistake of going into my creative place and imagining how this could be fucking awesome. Here's my premise: a bunch of dot-com millionaires create a Bill-and-Ted like time travel technology, and then use this to pluck warriors from all the ages to battle it out gladiator style in a giant techno-octagon of their creation. It's basically a Spartacus version of that old videogame Time Killers. They can pull whole armies, or they can pull individual fighters, and then basically they have them fight for their amusements in an underground pit-style fighting. It doesn't matter who you put in that movie, because it would be fucking amazing.

But then I realized that they gave the project to Shawn Levy. The director of Night of the Museum, Cheaper by the Dozen, and Big Fat Liar. Already, the project has immediately gone hard PG-13 at best. Now, while the rest of you loathe him, I find most of his work to be cute. But for "Deadliest Warrior," you don't want cute. You want people losing limbs in pixellated glory. Fuck a digi-mammoth. I want to see Crixus get decapitated by a HALO Marine with a chainsaw arm. I want to see the Last of the Mohicans facing off against one of King Arthur's men.

Of course, Paramount's got faith in Levy, because he is going to be bringing us an action drama next year, starring Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, and Kevin Durand (Dreamy Keamy from LOST). It's called Real Steel. It's set in a future where giant 2000-ton robots fight in professional boxing matches. Wait for it...wait for it.... YEAH. IT'S THE MOTHERFUCKING ROCK-EM, SOCK-EM ROBOTS FUCKING MOVIE.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-


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