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Based Only On The Poster, Which of These 8 Movies Rumps Your Pum-Pa-Pum?

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | December 2, 2013 | Comments ()


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Lone Survivor
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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Christian Slater's O-face looks like he is shocked and impressed by the number of mushrooms on his deep-dish.

    Not sayin' I won't dream about it. I'm just sayin'... not what I pictured.

  • Ben

    Pumped as hell for How to Train your Dragon 2, the first was fucking amazing.

  • apsutter

    Mary Louise Parker= Hell no

  • mzbitca

    This is probably not the main purpose of this piece but once again I'm reminded just how glaringly white hollywood is

  • How to Train Your Dragon, hands down. It's also uncomfortable how Hiccup has Longbottomed out.

  • Lloyd_The_Bartender

    i gotta say.. .none of them...
    well, maybe Wolf of Wall Street but only if Jonah Hill gets naked ...
    enjoy that visual ...

  • 1. Jesus was HOT! That's why I love him.
    2. I'm so here for the Bill Watterson documentary!!!!!!!!!!
    3. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • NateMan

    Toothless and Hiccup always win in my book, but the Calvin & Hobbes is a close second.

  • AvaLehra

    Hiccup grew up and has facial hair. Awww!

  • Jebus

    I am all for Leo felating a microphone

  • wonkeythemonkey

    The "Son of God" one is clearly not a movie, it's a rally. They have a website devoted specifically to advance group sales -- they aren't even pretending that this movie will stand on its own merits without hundreds (thousands?) of church groups dragging their friends along in a dubious attempt at "outreach."

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Pffft, it's PG-13 too. What's a Jesus story without gratuitous nudity and violence?

  • bastich

    Too right! Where's our Grindhouse Jesus?

  • unpious

    They should make an HBO sexposition-style movie if they want to reach out to the unwashed heathens. There's totally canon support for it, too. He was always eating with prostitutes. Just have some prostitutes going at it whenever it's time for a new parable.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Why isn't Shia Lebouf's O-face in that poster? Is his penis apathetic to the pleasures of sex? Does he put that cigarette out on it, just to make sure it feels anything at all? Does it spend most of it's spare time writing bad poetry and listening to The Cure? Is it self aware and just coming to realize it's only a smaller prick attached to a bigger one? What's wrong, Shia Lebouf's penis? Why are you so sad?

  • Luna

    Nymphomaniac (which opens on Christmas Day here in Denmark - I think maybe that says something about our country?), Wolf of Wallstreet, and Dear Mr Watterson.

  • Dennis Albert Ramirez

    re: Calvin and Hobbes, i'm more looking forward to the Mental Floss interview with Bill Watterson than the doco, which i'll catch anyway.

    other than that, only Wolf of Wall Street if i'm just going by the posters. How To Train Your Dragon 2 as well going by how unexpectedly awesome the first one was

  • The first two, because I actually rather enjoyed How to Train Your Dragon. Calvin and Hobbes is always a duh.

  • DominaNefret

    I hate all of these posters. Yup.
    But I will see How to Train Your Dragon 2.

  • Salad_Is_Murder

    Son of God is like, the prequel to the Saw films right? Why didn't they just call it Saw 8, or whatever they're up to now? Though I think not casting Tobin Bell is going to prove to be a big mistake for this chapter of such a long, proud and storied franchise.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I think Lone Survivor looks good. And a couple of the other ones.

  • manting

    The nymphomaniac poster is surprisingly good. The jesus in the son of god poster is a white guy with brown flowing hair. Not saying jesus existed but if he did he would have had dark skin and dark curly hair. I guess its the retconned jesus.

  • BWeaves

    I looked him up, because I was going to make a disparaging remark about another white Christian playing Jesus. The actor is Portuguese, so at least he's Mediterranean. However, he is a model and a soap opera star, so I guess they're going for a hot, sexy Jesus.

  • unpious

    It's Fanfiction Jesus.

  • bastich

    Reborquel Jesus?

  • Aaron Schulz

    my roommate and i were saying that we hope he fights a roman legion, and then it turns into, jesus/peter slashfic

  • Berry

    A true fanfiction Jesus would be wearing leather pants.

  • unpious

    He could be, under that pristine flowing white robe.

  • Berry

    That is very true.

  • e jerry powell

    Death Vag on the rampage...

  • The guy in the 'Son of God' poster looks a lot like the guy who played Jesus in 'The Bible' on the History Channel.(Edit: Google says it is, which handily explains it) I'd go see that. I'd also go see Marky Mark's movie, but that's about it.

  • BWeaves

    Here's the wiki:

    Son of God is a 2014 American Christian film loosely based on Mark Burnett and Roma Downey's 10-hour miniseries The Bible. The film will feature selections of the miniseries as well as deleted scenes not featured during the telecast.

    So it IS a sequel! BIBLE II: Testament Boogaloo.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    *blurg*

    What, people couldn't see the face big enough on their home tvs?

  • Stephen Wong

    Where is the Oldboy review?

  • Where is my other sock?

  • Aaron Schulz

    what time does the trolley come?

  • Ben

    I own the entire Calvin and Hobbes collection.

  • Elizabeth P

    The Wolf of Wall Street poster is an Internet photoshopper's wet dream.

  • John W

    In the nympho poster it looks like they're all singing they're favorite song.

  • BlackRabbit

    "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star"

  • bastich

    "Come All Ye Faithful"?

  • PDamian

    "Cum On Feel the Noize," by Quiet Riot.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    "Come Together"?

  • Uriah_Creep

    "Mama Told Me Not to Come"

  • Guest

    Stairway to Heaven.

  • John W

    "Whole Lotta Love" by Zeppelin.

  • Bert_McGurt

    You know what they say - when life gives you lemons, squeeze them till the juice runs down your leg.

  • PDamian

    Dear Mr. Watterson and How to Train Your Dragon 2. But that's cheating a bit, as I would have seen both those even without the posters. I'm particularly pleased by the way the animators aged Hiccup; he's manly and mature, but not lantern-jawed or super tall. In other words, he's not a typical cartoon superhero. Other than these two, I doubt I'll see any of these films.

  • NateMan

    And the way the first one made life actually have consequences gives me high hopes for the second one.

  • bastich

    I'm planning a Movie Night with a few jars of moonshine and a Nymphomanic/Son of God double feature.

    It will be a race to see which explodes first, my liver or my brain.

  • emmalita

    That's going to be a tight race. Your liver is probably at peak training between Halloween and New Years. And I have the utmost respect for the fortitude of your brain. (utmost is a really weird word.)

  • robbermaiden

    Knowing how much Bill Watterson HATES the commercialism of C&H, i will not be watching the movie (as much as I love him and C&H).
    I'll watch HTTYD 2.
    I. Love. Toothless. She looks just like my cat, weirdly enough.

  • AvaLehra

    Our cat totally looks like Toothless, too. I think it's something about the eyes.

  • Ben

    The lead animator for toothless based a lot of his movements and mannerisms on his own pet cat so there is probably that.

  • AvaLehra

    I can see that.

  • robbermaiden

    so. cute.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    The Watterson movie has gotten meh reviews - it is apparently mostly the filmmaker talking about how much C&H means to him and how much he loves it.

  • robbermaiden

    which, to be fair, is a valid point of view. mayyybe doesnt need a whole movie about it. hah

  • L.O.V.E.

    Seeing as this is my office computer wallpaper, guess which one I pick.

  • That gives me so many warm fuzzies.

  • NateMan

    Ditto to what the other 2 said.

  • Aaron Schulz

    thats fantastic, and is now my background

  • PDamian

    FYI: I'm totally stealing this for my PC desktop.

  • APOCooter

    Dear Mr. Watterson. How is this even close?

  • emmalita

    Dear Mr. Watterson.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Is Leo about to eat that mic? Anyways, 'Dear Mr. Watterson' for sure. Maybe 'Vinegar Strokes: The Movie'.

  • BlackRabbit

    The Jesus one doesn't give much for a sequel. The Stepson of God? Son of God 2: The Goddening?

  • BWeaves

    Actually, it's already a sequel. It's slapped together from the outtakes of the History channel miniseries, The Bible.

  • Miss Laaw-yuhr

    Son of God 2: Stairway to Heaven

    http://www.imdb.com/media/rm30...

    Soundtrack available on Amazon!

  • Kristopher R

    Son of God 2: The Rise of Jesus

  • Justin Kuhn

    Another Fucking Jesus Movie?

    Seriously, there are lots and lots of stories in the Bible, guys. Make a movie about that Lot guy. (see what I did there?) I guess the story of Job is right out because of the Steve Jobs movie.

    Anyway I didn't know this Calvin and Hobbes movie was a thing but any way to relive the best comic strip of all time. I have them all memorized.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    a Noah movie is in the works...

    Besides, that's kind of like complaining that Macbeth and Lear get more productions than Pericles.

  • Justin Kuhn

    I've seen the trailer. Looks fun.

    I think there's a lot more liberties to be taken with some of the lesser-known material, that's all.

  • I got pericles once. Fortunately, they had this new ointment that cleared it right up.

  • Kristopher R

    At the rate these bible movies are being made, Seltzer and Friedberg will get their grubby hands on a 'parody.' Hilarity will not ensue.

  • bastich

    Son of God 2: Eucharistic Boogaloo

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Son of God 2: Night of the Living Christ?

  • BlackRabbit

    "The Ever-Living!" Now I have Mumm-Ra's voice in my head. Thanks.

  • Green Lantern

    "Muuuuuumm-RAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

    That's what was in MY head.

  • manting

    at least you dont have snarfs voice in your head. Hes the voice of my internal monologue.

  • Wolf of Wall Street objectively the best poster here.

    Impossibly Photogenic Jesus and Kristen Wiig O Face are my two favorites.

  • kirivinokur

    No, that's Willem Dafoe.

  • Aaron Schulz

    i get kristen wiig and willem dafoe mixed up all the time, then i remember that willem dafoe is the attractive one

  • Wicked

    Awww that's kinda harsh for poor miss wiig.

  • Wicked

    Erm, Kristen isn't in any of these movies, I think you are referring to the Nymphomaniac Poster, that woman on the top left is actually Charlotte Gainsbourg, the protagonist of the film.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    I was assuming he meant the character on the How to Train your Dragon poster.

  • Wicked

    Oh! Well, since she wasn't show in any poster and he said the O face of Kristen Wiig(also, charlotte kinda looks like her in this poster) that's why I wanted to clear it up.

  • Belphebe

    Toothless!!

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