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Based Only On The Poster, Which of These 7 Movies Looks Better Than A Root Canal?

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | December 9, 2013 | Comments ()


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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Remy Carreiro

    Lars Von Trier wins, just barely.

  • tjedison

    Am I the only one that thinks the Nymphomaniac poster looks like an IUD?

  • el_mediocre

    Nymphomaniac (and maybe Cold Comes the Night) are the only ones up there that don't look lazy as shit. Come on now, I know you people have money for proper marketing.

  • blacksred

    is this the list of the next straight to the walmart $5 dvd bin?

  • bastich

    I dunno if these movies are better than a root canal, but at least with the movies I can keep my clothes on!

  • Uriah_Creep

    Little did you know your "dentist" got his license from an online university. GeorgeBrown.com, I think.

  • Based on the poster none of them. Although Jack Ryan looks like it will be solid. I'm already sick to death of Nymphomaniac and am really looking forward to it coming out and disappearing so I can stop seeing prominent actors (and Shia LeBouef) making pained o faces in the marketing. Jesus but that movie looks too pretentious and awful for words.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Did all the graphic artists in Hollywood go on strike?

  • Laura

    I'll see the Cranston movie for Cranston. That Keanu movie poster looks like they snatched a still from the Matrix.

    And what's the header pic from? I would look at that for awhile.

  • thebeardedlady

    I'd say Nymphomaniac but I've already seen Shortbus, so who knows?

  • stella

    So wait. The vampie Academy is an actual movie? Huh. I honestly thought I was just imagining it...

  • BAM

    Do we get anesthesia for both the root canal and the movie?

  • Jiffylush

    Cold Comes the Night for Cranston obviously, Jack Ryan for Jack Ryan, and Man of Tai Chi but I have already seen it.

  • Siege

    I know it will be bad, but I really enjoy looking at Dominic Cooper.

  • BWeaves

    I don't know, but will the Tai Chi movie have lots of slow motion, gentle movements so they don't hurt their knees?

  • KatSings

    Oh the timing of this. Having just had my first root canal, and having been told only yesterday that I need another one, I don't care how terrible these posters are - I'd rather sit through any one of them than go through that again.

    Except Nymphomaniac, but that's not because the poster is terrible, it's because I know enough about that movie to realize horrifying dental work is preferable to it.

  • BWeaves

    Man, you need my dentist. Painless root canal. Seriously. The guy is good.

  • oilybohunk7

    I have mutant teeth with curved roots, they don't lend themselves to painless root canals. Not to mention that my awesome dentist, that gives me gas, referred me to someone else who doesn't. I would watch most of these movies before I went through that again.

  • KatSings

    To be fair to my really awesome dental office, the procedure itself wasn't that bad. I just have near debilitating anxiety about being at the dentist at all, so when you up the ante to long, invasive procedures, it's a bad scene for me.

  • BWeaves

    I just lost the staring contest with the Reasonable Doubt poster. I will now get a Capital One Quicksilver Visa card, but I will not see the movie.

  • Alice Eve > root canal. I'm done here.

  • ellie

    Is it just me or do all these posters look fan-made?

  • alwaysanswerb

    I am so fucking done with Kiera Knightly looking like her picture was taken with a potato with Vaseline on the lens while Costner and Chris Pine look like they're actually from a human realm

  • Nick

    Bryan Cranston gets a free pass for awhile imo.

  • Berry

    None, but the would be lyrical (or something) title Cold Comes the Night weirdly reminded me of some lines from Byron: "Pale grew thy cheek and cold / colder thy kiss" So that's amusing. At least for me.

  • manting

    it reminded me of Billy Squire. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • bgarcia

    Saw the trailer for Jack Ryan recently. It was slightly less interesting than listening to someone read the tax code aloud. Pine and Knightley have less than zero chemistry (like watered-down skim milk levels of blandness) and Costner is doing his best block of wood impression (as always).

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I'd watch whatever movie that header guy's lips are in.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Oh, you know what? Fuck you, that's what. Too fucking much, too fucking far. No more. No more. No. Mas.

  • Ryan Ambrose

    "The Raid" was one of the best action movies I've ever seen, therefore I must ask: is "Man of Tai Chi" a film in the same vein?

    Or should I go for the root canal?

  • Batman

    The action is pretty good. You don't see Tai Chi fighting in movies so that is something original. The story is your usual good guy being corrupted, but only to turn good last second.

  • manting

    Man of Tai Chi is good and Reeves is pretty sweet as the villain. It came out a few moths ago, at least online. Jet Li has an amazing movie where his character actually invents Tai Chi in the movie. Tai Chi Master is the title and you will love the Lu Han Pole Formation. Its at the 14:30 mark - the movie is way better subtitled. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • Ryan Ambrose

    I suppose there's no better form of endorsement than from the Batman himself.

    Thank you for the reply, I'll check it out.

  • Pitry

    I'm leaning towards the root canal to be honest. Although if my dentist comes up with an outrageous quote, I MIGHT just go with Man of Tai Chi. Depends on how outrageous it would be.

  • Zen

    I'll take the root canal. There could be an unexpected twist in the narrative structure.

  • BlackRabbit

    "Is it safe?"

  • Zen
  • emmalita

    The poster looks terrible, but I saw the trailer for Vampire Academy and it looked like snarky fun for a wine laden weekend afternoon.

    And YES! I am ashamed. Terribly, terribly ashamed. I will drown my shame in wine, chocolate, and this stupid movie. And then I will make other questionable choices. Who knows where this will end. I blame Rob Ford.

  • stella

    Why would you be ashamed of that? It sounds like an awesome afternoon.

  • emmalita

    It's one of those sorrynotsorry situations. I'll definitely see Vampire Academy, but I don't want anyone to think I'm going to see any of the subsequent movies, unless I REALLY need something to hate watch. The first book is centered around an interesting friendship between two girls, after that it devolves into "this boy, no that boy, no this boy."

  • stella

    Huh... that actually sounds ok... Todays going to be a weird dy full of surprises...

  • Uriah_Creep

    Hey, don't blame Rob Ford; Marion Barry showed him the way many years ago!

  • emmalita

    Bitch set me up.

  • Maguita NYC

    You can come drown your shame at my local theater, we can have wine there!

    I also want to watch Keanu Reeves' Martial Arts non-act acting movie! I cannot resist those.

  • Maguita NYC

    Hmmm, I wonder who would have a problem with us drinking together, minx-shaming each other and probably worse. ;)

    I'd say stalker is jealous much.

  • emmalita

    Around Thanksgiving, Uriah_Creep and I set a trap for the serial downvoter. We discovered he/she is wily and hates fun.

  • Maguita NYC

    Bah, nothing but a miserable little bug. However, I love that he/she is jealous of us going to the movies...

    Wait! You are the common denominator here Rochelle! Does this mean *your* stalker is jealous of people being nice to you??

  • emmalita

    It's probably my subconscious getting up in the middle of the night, logging me out of Disqus, downvoting while shrieking "No fun for you, emmalita!!!!" relogging me into Disqus, and going back to bed. No wonder I'm so tired in the morning.

  • Maguita NYC

    Subconscious or wine :P

  • I've never read that particular Richelle Mead book series, but the film highlights from her facebook page have me mildly intrigued. There are worst films I watched during a wine filled afternoon (Derailed, I'm looking at you!).

  • Maguita NYC

    I shame-read the first 2 in the series. Could not read any further... Unlike others *coughemmalitacough* I know how to put a stop to shameful behavior.

  • emmalita

    I was tutoring a teenage girl and agreed to read them as a quid pro quo arrangement. (I'm sticking with that story and you can't make me change it).

  • bastich

    So what did you make the girl you were tutoring read? Something to match your suffering, I hope. :)

  • emmalita

    Actually, she got the better end of the deal. I would find extra things for her to read or do that would help her become interested in whatever thing she was studying that wasn't connecting with her. For example, we went to an Islamic Art exhibit when she was studying the spread of Islam. And in return, I read those increasingly awful books. But asking her to do extra work is what necessitated my reading stuff she picked out.

  • Maguita NYC

    That "teenage girl" wouldn't happen to be named Rosie now would she?

  • emmalita

    Silly, Rosie is a dog. She doesn't care what I read as long as I drop food on the floor while I'm doing it.

  • emmalita

    I ended up reading the whole f*cking series. It was a terrible long drawn out series of shifting love triangles and terrible decisions.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    I read the series as well. If I were able to feel shame, I would.

  • emmalita

    We can make it a double shame double feature.

  • Maguita NYC

    Urg. Are you double-snark-feature shaming me? Shameless Minx!

  • emmalita

    I think you meant Shaming Minx. :)

  • Maguita NYC

    Don't try changing my mind! It won't work, I've got chocolate power.

  • Maguita NYC

    Oh wow. Chocolate power never looked more powerful. You know what would go well with this? Something hot!

  • Maybe, maaaaaybe 'Jack Ryan' or possibly 'Cold Comes The Night.' Every time I see a poster or a trailer for 'Walter Mitty' it makes me want to burn down the theater.

  • JenVegas

    You know what my biggest problem with this Walter Mitty movie is? One of the TV spots claims it's "visionary." And every time I hear that I say "how f'ing visionary can it be? IT'S A REMAKE." Shut up marketing department.

  • gorge jung

    Man of Thai Chi is great for any martial arts fan. Plus Keanu has a really weird HA! moment that is weird but more funny.

  • Jiffylush

    I wonder if they are going to go with subtitles, over-dub, or god forbid a re-cut that includes more scenes involving english...

    I liked the movie, Keanu was a bit stiff during the fight scenes but I guess that could be expected.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    The martial arts are good. The rest of the movie - including Reeves - is shite.

  • Guest

    None. Almost all look like their straight to DVD releases (except for Nymphomaniac).

    *At least they turned down the Photoshop on Costner in the Shadow Recruit poster. Now he just looks he is looking forward to a night out at the cabaret.

  • John W

    Gee I wonder what name they've come up with for the people who aren't vampires? Muggles is taken, so is the mundanes, mortals is too obvious, normals is meh, lunch?

  • Well, in my vampire novel, they're called kine, because there's no point in giving pet names to dinner.

  • manting

    Mehums. Mere humans.

  • Probably 'cattle' or something else in that vein.

  • idiosynchronic

    Cold Comes the Night is the only one with a half a chance. I can watch Cranston chew scenery all day.

  • Kala

    I saw Bryan Cranston and immediately said, "Yeah, all right."

  • I totally agree! It was released in the UK back in September. Got very meh reviews and then disappeared after a week before I could catch it!

  • Snath

    None. None of them look better than a root canal.

  • Jim

    Don't even bother with the Novocaine.

  • DooMm

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  • PDamian

    My ranking: #1. root canal; #2. Cold Comes the Night; #3. richfriends dot com.

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