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Barbie? He-Man? The Toys Will Destroy Us All

News You'll Wish Was A Lie / TK

Trade News | September 24, 2009 | Comments (28)

Holy freaking Christ.

OK, a He-Man movie’s been talked about for a while now. Warner Brothers had dumped the project, despite what was apparently a pretty damn good script by Justin Marks. Well, it’s not dead yet — Columbia Pictures is now in talks to acquire the rights to the Mattel property, which would of course include toys, cartoons, and, yes, films. Unfortunately, Marks’ script will likely never see the light of day, despite being described as “Lord of the Rings meets The Matrix meets Batman Begins,” and had won over several of the movie geek reporters that had read it. Can’t get worse than Dolph Lundgren, right?

RIGHT?!

Fuck it. There are bigger things to worry about. Like a Barbie movie.

A. Fucking. Barbie. Movie.

You think I’m kidding? I’m a little bent, but I’m not that demented. Yep, according to Variety, Universal has picked up the rights, and… well… let’s let the suits take it from here:

“Barbie is the most famous doll in history, a unique cultural icon in the world of brands,” said Universal Pictures chairman Marc Shmuger. “So many representations of Barbie frequent pop culture, but never before has she been brought to life in a motion picture. We’re grateful to Mattel for entrusting us with this extraordinary opportunity.”

That’s an actual quote by an actual human.

Hide your daughters, people.

(h/t to Jezebel for the pic)


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Comments

First off, great pic. Secondly, I'm not surprised by the Barbie movie news. What I'm surprised about is that it took so long for someone to come up with the idea. So many generartions have played with Barbie, girls will just lap it up. It's a no brainer. I predict it will be something like Sex in the Ciy for 10 year olds. Or something. I still wish this weren't true.

Posted by: barf at September 24, 2009 10:36 AM

I'm with barf. We all saw this coming, and let's just be glad it took so goddamn long. Hell, they made a fucking Bratz movie before they made one for Barbie. BRATZ DOLLS. And I'm pretty sure those things come herpes and pearl necklaces.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at September 24, 2009 10:40 AM

Umm, but there are already Barbie movies. I mean, they're straight-to-DVD type things, but I'm pretty sure that still counts as a movie. I'm fairly certain there are several. Wait...

*reads story*

Ah. I see. Live action. So, it's going to be Confessions of a Shopaholic, then? Only without the remorse and reform?

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 24, 2009 10:53 AM

I can't help but wonder who is going to play barbie.

Posted by: Chugga at September 24, 2009 11:02 AM

I have banned Bratz in any and all incarnations in my household Jeremy for exactly that reason.

As for the Barbie movie, I can't wait for the sex scene. Kids really should know what the male anatomy looks like.

Posted by: admin at September 24, 2009 11:20 AM

Bratz aren't even being made any more, I think. Their time is over. But I highly encourage anyone to watch the animated Bratz movies. They're hilariously awful. AND they make reference to the fact that you don't take shoes off of Bratz dolls, you replace their entire feet.

There are a TON of CGI Barbies, usually released in the fall to promote their latest Christmas-sales Barbie, as well as at least one MyScene movie. But no live action ones yet.

I feel dirty now. I shouldn't know so much about this stuff.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 24, 2009 11:27 AM

I don't even know what a Bratz doll is. And I'm glad I never knew about all these Barbie movies already in existence. You've made me feel dirty Wednesday. I shudder to think how you're feeling now.

Posted by: barf at September 24, 2009 11:38 AM

I threatened to bludgeon to death anyone that bought Monkey a Bratz doll. When asked why by some family members I replied, "Because they are Whore Dolls from Whore Island and I don't want them in the house." And I'm pretty sure Jeremy's correct about them having herpes and pearl necklaces. I saw one Bratz doll that came with Valtrex and another with her own Craig's List post.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at September 24, 2009 12:18 PM

Well, but it could be a horror movie. I mean, think about it. If a live woman had Barbie's proportions, she'd be like ten feet tall, with such a tiny waist and such out-of-proportion boobies that her centre of gravity wouldn't allow her to stand or walk properly. Scary, right?

Posted by: Tarn at September 24, 2009 12:33 PM

I figure that the Barbie movie will deal with her inability to pick a profession as she struggles to take care of her younger siblings, including Skipper, Kelly and Stacie, while also working to maintain her relationship with Ken.

Barbie will never stop to wonder how she is able to afford all of her Corvettes, Dream Houses, swimming pools, and clothes without steady employment. She will also never question why Ken sometimes wears a mesh shirt and an earring.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at September 24, 2009 12:39 PM

I'm with AvB on this, aren't there already enough Barbie movies? I mean, sure, maybe not a live action one, but still, do we need it?

What in the hell would it even be about? Women being able to get jobs outside of the home? Wasn't that the whole "We Girls Can Do Anything! Right, Barbie?" deal with the dolls in the first place?

Sweet banana mousse with walnuts, Hollywood, isn't that kind of the norm these days? Women can be doctors, astronauts, teachers, veterinarians, and heck, they can even go to Space Camp if they want. Those battles have pretty much been fought and won, right? Is a movie about Barbie doing this any different from any other movie made these days?

The only way this will work is if it's done completely ironically. We have to start out with Barbie being a washed up, inappropriately dressed, surgically enhanced has been who fights her way back from obscurity to do...I don't know. I want there to be snark in this Barbie movie! SNARK, DAMNIT!

Posted by: ZombieNurse at September 24, 2009 12:46 PM

This will only work if the live-action Barbies have their lives controlled by giant 8 year olds.

Posted by: Ian at September 24, 2009 12:55 PM

The definitive Barbie movie has already been made though it was just a cameo in Toy Story 2. This simply cannot be topped and whoever tries will be facing the wrath of the gods.

"Remain seated, please! Permanecer sentados, por favor!"

Posted by: ed newman at September 24, 2009 1:04 PM

BARBIE MEMORY!!!

Coming home from school to find my older brother had ripped the heads off all my Barbies and taped them by their hair to the ceiling.

And that is why I am who I am today.

Posted by: Lindsay at September 24, 2009 1:15 PM

DAMMIT! Is there no respect for Dolph Lundgren as He-Man?! NO RESPECT! LEAVE HE-MAN ALONE! IT HAD COURTNEY COX!!! COURTNEY COX!!!

Damn it all to hell.

And aren't there already like 1500 Barbie movies? Why is this a shock to anyone? Live action wa sbound to happen eventually.

Posted by: figgy at September 24, 2009 1:22 PM

Barbie vs Lisa Lionhart: The Feminizing!

Posted by: admin at September 24, 2009 1:28 PM

Since no woman alive actually fits the dimensions of a barbie doll, perhaps this little cinematic endeavor will help to show that NOBODY FUCKING LOOKS LIKE THAT.

I was only into Barbie for the 'Dream Horses'. I found 'Dixie, Dallas' foal' in the basement the other day. I left it in the basement but still, Hee!
I have no idea where Dallas is. Poor Dixie is a motherless orphan.
In my basement.

My over-sexualised 12 year old neighbor used to come over and 'play Barbies' with me when I was young. Somehow there was always an orgy in whatever storyline we were playing out. I suspect there was some inappropriate touching going on in her household.

Then my dog ate all of my Barbies.
True story.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 24, 2009 1:28 PM

Ha Lindsay,
I did that to my little brother's Cabbage Patch Kid. Little fucker wouldn't quit staring at me with those giant blue eyes. {shudder}
My Brother is 32 and still brings it up at family gatherings.
THAT was some effective sibling torture.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at September 24, 2009 1:33 PM

Sweet banana mousse with walnuts, Hollywood

mmmmmm sweet banana mousse with walnuts....

Oh, sorry. Where was I? Right: Actually, Barbie was originally a "fashion model" doll, I believe. It wasn't until the late 60s/early 70s that they started the "We Can Do Anything" bit. And initially, "Anything" included nurse, stewardess, or teacher. Those were pretty much Barbie's "Anything" options (other than, of course, fashion model and homemaker).

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 24, 2009 3:51 PM

Also, my Donnie and Marie dolls used to kidnap my Barbies and make them do weird sexual things a lot.

... I was that weird kid nobody talked to in grade school.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 24, 2009 3:54 PM

There kind of was a live-action Barbie-ish movie, with Tyra. Right? She played some doll that came to life? Pre-retardation Lohan was in it?
Stupid, accent-wielding, smizing weirdo.

I was going to say it can't possibly be worse than that, but oh, yes it can.

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at September 24, 2009 4:42 PM

My first encounter with a Bratz doll was several years ago at McDonald's.

After helping my daughter dig her toy out of the bag, I had to wonder aloud, "When did McDonald's start giving away hookers with their happy meals?" because inside was a tiny doll with BJ lips, a leopard trenchcoat and big red pimp hat. WTF?

My friends then had to explain the whole Bratz thing to me.

Anyway, every time I think of live action Barbie, all I can remember is a skit from the Carol Burnett show where the four of them are Barbie dolls. I have searched for that video clip for years and still have had no luck. Boo.

No Barbie movie will ever compare to the Carol Burnett cast.

Posted by: neurotica at September 24, 2009 5:23 PM

OH GOD MYYSHARONA YOU JUST MADE ME THINK OF MANNEQUIN.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 24, 2009 6:12 PM

Well AvB, that's never a bad thing. EVER. I love that movie to death. AND, I really miss movies having animated beginnings. Now I'm must go sing "In my wildest dreams" by Belinda Carlisle, excuse me.

"Hollywooooood, come and get me Hollywooooood."

Posted by: myysharona (formerly Sharon) at September 24, 2009 7:27 PM

I can't help but wonder who is going to play barbie.

Posted by: Chugga at September 24, 2009 11:02 AM
---
Would Christina Hendricks dare go blonde?

Too old? Barbie's 50 this year. That's RIGHT, I said: 50!

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at September 24, 2009 11:39 PM

Is it strange that I think Lindsay Lohan all hopped up on goofballs would be the perfect Barbie? Also: how would Barbie do a sex scene? As a sidenote: due to Ken's built-in tighty whiteys (from a too-swift closing of Barbie's scissorlike legs), I assume Barbie's clandestine lesbianism is going to be explored, with her "less attractive" (read: brunette) best friend Courtney. I wonder if Barbie feels angst. Or remorse. Poor Ken.

Posted by: Captain Steve at September 25, 2009 7:28 AM

Ooooo... Lisa Marie in Mars Attacks always made me think of Barbie Dolls... But, yes BAD IDEA! BAD!

als, Bratz dolls def have herpes. Just ask Dr Barbie - she treated them & she's flaky on the whole doctor/patient confidentiality thing.

Posted by: missh at September 25, 2009 8:38 AM

good article on the new he-man movie over at 'on the button' have a look: http://onthebutton.wordpress.com/2009/10/01/he-man/

Posted by: rose at October 1, 2009 3:57 PM





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