Bald Dudes, 'Expendables', Remakes, & Sci-Fi: Everything You Never Knew You Always Wanted
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Bald Dudes, Expendables, Remakes, & Sci-Fi: Everything You Never Knew You Always Wanted

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | December 18, 2012 | Comments ()


Jackie Chan has let it be known that he will be in Expendables 3. This news makes me happy in the fluffy viewing material area of my brain. I love explosions, punching, fighting, bad accents, terrible storylines as a reason to fight, and the first Expendables had me cackling with glee. I haven't had the chance to watch Expendables 2 yet, but I suspect the upcoming holidays will remedy that (DON'T DO IT, PINKY. -- DR). I like violence in movies and abhor it in real life, just so we're clear, kids. Big, explodey, violent violence IN MOVIES.

I feel like the idea of Vin Diesel playing Kojak or Telly Savales has come up on Pajiba before, but I'm not certain. If you did suggest this, congratulations! I bet it will be hilarious! Not purposely hilarious, mind you. I don't believe that Diesel has as much swagger as Savales did, so watching him spout, "Who loves ya, baby?" will be giggle-inducing.


Neal Purvis and Robert Wade (the last 4 Bond films) are adapting the 1970s "Kojak" series for the big screen and Diesel's shiny dome. Put all of your money into lollipop stocks! BUY BUY BUY!


Josh Hutcherson, the crush many of the 'Jibettes are sort of dodgy about because of his age, is in talks to star in Pablo Escobar movie Paradise Lost. Andrea Di Stefano (Life of Pi) is set to direct and Benecio Del Toro will star alongside Hutcherson. Hutchersen will play, I am not making this up, an Irish surfer visiting his brother in Columbia. Of course, young love ensues with Escobar's niece.


The Wachowski Siblings just keep getting the go ahead for more movies. They are working on Jupiter Ascending with Charming Papa Potato, Mila "Is She Really Going Out With Him" Kunis, and now it seems Eddie Redmayne as well. I'm just going to copy and paste the description of this movie, kids. BANAYNAYS.

"...the film, which could kickstart a franchise, will center on a toilet-scrubbing Russian immigrant (Kunis) who actually has the same genetic makeup as the immortal Queen Of The Universe, and thus threatens her rule. A bounty hunter is then dispatched to take her down (Tatum), but they fall in love and go on the run."


I don't watch Anime. Just to get that out of the way. Samuel L. Jackson (Badass Motherf*cker) hopes to join David R. Ellis (Snakes On A Plane) for the live-action remake of KITE. It sounds sort of like The Professional to me, except the little girl that has her parents murdered is taken in by two detectives that want her to get revenge. The two corrupt cops train the little girl as an assassin. Here is a trailer for the original Anime.

Ricky Gervais is going to be the human amongst Muppets in The Muppets 2. Jason Segal declined to participate in the sequel, but you knew Disney was going to keep things going. Ty Burrell, who I will always see as the asshole from the Dawn Of The Dead remake, is playing the bad guy and the entire film is set in Europe. Ideas as to the plot when we have Burrell as a lazy Interpol inspector and Gervais as Friend to Muppets?


The Muppets find themselves in Europe for a show, but Animal frenzies himself onto Interpol's Most Wanted list by chasing women through the streets. The Muppets run into Gervais and he reluctantly agrees to help them get to their show in time and keep Animal out of Burrell's clutches. What's your guess?

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Buck Forty

    I won't bother with guessing the plot but Gervais will undoubtedly strum a guitar while singing a rambling whimsical ditty, place his hands on his hips while shaking his head and saying "I know" with a big grin, point to nothing in particular and say "what's all this then?", and at some stage say with a straight face and mock concern "that's not funny at all".

  • Uriah_Creep

    Mila “Is She Really Going Out With Him” Kunis

    I don't know how he did it, but I'm convinced Joe Jackson wrote this 1978 song about Mila and The Kutch. I assume he has a time machine.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I saw Joe Jackson open for The Who. It was not a good choice.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Which one, Joe or The Who? I must admit that, even to my young(er) and eager ears, The Who were just too damn loud. I like volume, but as a technologist, I know that shit can really mess with your long-term hearing (tinnitus, anyone?) On the other hand, I would have killed to see Joe Jackson, as I've always loved him and still listen to my 2 JJ CDs.

  • Ben

    They're doing a live action version of Kite? The movie infamous for its hardcore graphic rape scenes. Like we're talking 'they accidently put a scene of a hardcore rape porn into my movie' hardcore.

    ...Ok then?

  • Fozzie is mistaken for a high profile International Terrorist/Spy/Assassin and the Muppets gang find themselves caught in a web of intrigue across Europe as they must maintain the con long enough to save Fozzie from the evil organization's ringleader (Burrell). They are assisted by a bumbling British secret agent (Gervais) and a stream of kooky characters during their race against the clock. Featuring guest appearances from Miley Cyrus, Paris Hilton, Chevy Chase and Beverly D'Angelo, Marion Cotillard, Benedict Cumberbatch, Matt Damon, and Steve Martin. Music by Paul Williams.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Hutcherson as an Irishman? Weren't Colin Farrell or Robert Sheehan available? They also are better actors, as an added perk.

  • Irina

    Farrell also has 15 years on Hutcherson. I think being a "surfer" doesn't count as a profession once you pass 30 unless you're really REALLY good at it (don't tell Matther McConaughey I said that). And Sheehan is way too pale to be a surfer.

  • googergieger

    You'd figure someone along the way, would have found out Kite was originally a Hentai...

  • fracas

    Sounds like they're remaking The Great Muppet Caper. "I got some paper towels."

  • AudioSuede

    After the sweet sweet sweetness of The Muppets and Jason Segal's undying love for the characters that basically saved the entire franchise, how they think it's natural to transition to Ricky "I Only Host Award Shows To Troll Everyone Because Fuck You" Gervais as the human is completely beyond me.

  • Wicked

    Remake of Kite? Didn't this movie have like a hot threesome scene in there somewhere?

  • Gamal

    Sure did, except the girl was supposed to be 12.

  • "Hutchersen will play, I am not making this up, an Irish surfer visiting his brother in Columbia. Of course, young love ensues."

    Skimming this, I thought you meant Milton's Paradise Lost, and then I was outraged for a second, thinking it was going to made into a movie . . . with Josh Hutcherson of all people. And then, I read on, and became very confused, and wondered where Beelzebub would be making his appearance, and how Columbia and/or surfers could be drawn into that story.

  • Quatermain

    "....but Animal frenzies himself on to the Most Wanted List by chasing women through the streets." So Animal is going to be played by Russell Brand, then?

  • BWeaves

    It's a remake of Get Him To The Greek, only in France, so it's Muppets 2: Get Him To La Freak.

  • VonnegutSlut

    "Pablo Escobar's PARADISE LOST"?????

    I get what you meant there, but for a hot second, I was EXTREMELY intrigued by the prospect of the maniacal Colombian drug lord rising from the dead and directing his own biopic as a cocaine-leaking zombie.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    Fixed it. I couldn't brain this morning. Clarification achieved!

  • emmelemm

    Yes, I was really confused.

  • fribbley

    I actually liked The Expendables 2 a bit more than the first one. I want them to keep making those until they can't any more, and the sooner they make a female version with Michelle Yeoh, Cynthia Rothrock, and Gina Carano, the better.

  • DeistBrawler

    If they make a female Expendables without Cynthia Rothrock I will bitch about it constantly on the internet, say I will boycott the film, and then go see it anyway.

  • Bert_McGurt

    A hungry French gourmand develops an obsessive determination with capturing Kermit for the purposes of breeding giant delicious frogs with giant delicious legs. Obviously this means Miss Piggy kills the motherFrencher and the Muppets go on the run.

    Also, Gonzo's rampant chicken-loving is probably frowned upon.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Ricky can do a mean muppet face himself (end of clip):

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