Backstreet Boys Bring Down the Papacy
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Backstreet Boys Bring Down the Papacy

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | February 11, 2013 | Comments ()


This morning two important bits of news came to light. First, Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he is resigning from the papacy, marking the first time in over 700 years that a reigning pope has taken off the fancy hat.

Of course, the announcement was read in Latin and then released in translation to reporters, so I can't help wondering if the actual Latin said "dudes, I'm totally kidding, and this is why you should start teaching Latin in schools again."

Benedict has been plagued with rumors and allegations that he took an active and knowing hand in covering up child abuse within the Catholic church before his elevation to the papacy. In addition to being connected with that whole keeping molesters out of prison and in expensive European villas, Benedict argued that condoms increase the spread of AIDS and insisted on the "importance of prayer in the face of the activism and the growing secularism of many Christians engaged in charitable work." Those damned normal people having opinions and thinking for themselves, there really should be a word for it. Oh yeah -- democracy.

Second, the Backstreet Boys announced that they were backing a tell-all documentary. The two cannot help but be connected. There is no information as to this point yet, but it is obvious to this reporter that the Backstreet Boys are holding information that damns this papacy, information that implicates the papacy in one of the darkest chapters of the boy band's history.

Begin queuing up the inevitable "I haven't seen a priest go down that fast since..." jokes.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • John G.

    Doesn't this cause a problem for Catholics and that whole "infallible" thing? Unless it was always his intention to resign.

  • Brett

    "Those damned normal people having opinions and thinking for themselves, there really should be a word for it. Oh yeah — democracy."

    Technically, I think "democracy" is the word for a system of government in which the citizens of a state vote on the policies of the state. But I admit my spleen doesn't pay as close attention to word choice as it should when it vents either.

  • kirbyjay

    I haven't seen a priest go down that fast since.....

    The Beiber looking alter boy's robe fell open

    seriously, can't they just prop him up in the popemobile, does it make much difference either way?

  • Bert_McGurt

    Oh come on - we all know the real reason for the resignation is so Joey Ratz here can chase his dream of playing "Even More Extra-Super-Old Palpatine" in the new Star Wars.

  • Kballs

    They need to go in another direction with the next pope. This endless line of sliver-haired creepy-looking white dudes is depressing.

  • Drake

    Is there anything else to choose from? Have you seen the cardinals?

  • Kballs

    It's a total pipe dream. I assume they have nothing but old European crackers waiting to pick up the staff.

  • JJ

    "Pope Benedict XVI has announced that he is resigning from the papacy,
    marking the first time in over 700 years that a reigning pope has taken
    off the fancy hat."

    Tell me why. (Ain't nothin' but a heartache)
    Tell me why. (Ain't nothin' but a mistake)
    Tell me why. I never wanna hear you say, "I'm giving up the papacy."

  • Hampsterhead

    My new fave song.

  • Green Lantern

    I never did like this guy for some reason. Kinda glad I've turned my back on the church for the most part. Like others, I think there's something more than just poor health pushing his retirement.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    As a fallen catholic, I can say with certainty that I don't give a fuck. They'll find another misogynist, homophobic, morally deprived nutcracker to wear the silly hat and they'll carry on as they always have. So...whatever.

  • Quorren

    as a fellow fallen catholic, i concur with this statement.

  • Fredo

    Dude was 78 when elected. I'm guessing they didn't think he was going to live that long.

    If I entertain any conspiracy theory, it'd probably be one that says he's hoping to take all the child abuse scandal cloud with him as he goes and allow the next Pope to start with a clean slate and a mission to fix all the wrongdoings. Fact is he's never going to be taken seriously given how stained his hands are with all the ugly history of cover-ups and transfers.

  • Purplejebus

    Are you serious Fredo? Those lovers of kid fuckers have been casting about for nearly a decade for some way to get past that and get back to world conquest. You can believe it or not but, if the Spanish Inquisition wasn't enough to make gullible fuckwits walk away from the world's largest cult, a little pedophilia certainly won't make it happen.

  • Fredo

    The Catholic Church has been losing members in droves since the child abuse scandal broke. And it continues losing them. That's why they started a whole campaign to get them back. Problem is that there's so many lapsed and renounced Catholics who hold this Pope particularly responsible that may be it was decided to appease them by putting him out to pasture.

    That said, for every lapsed and lost Catholic in the First World, there's 2 in the Third World who are still down with it.

    And Spanish Inquisition? In the words of Ordell Robbie, "man, that's a old crime."

  • BlackRabbit

    The Papacy has never really been about free will,
    given its status as a religious institution. It was born into turbulent
    times and has been involved in war, bloodshed and political intrigue
    for 95% of its history. Why should democracy enter into it now? I'm not endorsing any kind of conspiracy theory about his resignation, of course. I fully believe ill health is forcing his hand. At least there's a precedent for this. Otherwise there would be a much bigger uproar.

    I am interested to see if they pick an African pope, and what the repercussions of that would be in the world, especially North America.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I honestly think he has Parkinsons and that is the reason for his retirement. The church cares a lot about public images and all that.

  • Robert

    The official release says Ratzinger is retiring because of his health. I do think that's part of it. He's not moving very well at all these days and his speech patterns have slowed down significantly in the past year.

    And honestly, if they haven't caught his role in the cover up yet when his job was to interpret Catholic doctrine when the abuse scandal came to light, I doubt they're going to unearth it now.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Since Ratzinger was one of the major players pulling senile John Paul II's strings, he just wants to quit before the exact same happens to him.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    It's not even a question of being caught - he's above it. I think he really is just feeling too feeble to carry out his tasks and having been so close to JP2's last years, he doesn't want that for himself or the church.

  • Robert

    I only mentioned getting caught since that was the angle on this post (something must be coming to light; ergo, the release is a lie). I apparently must be some kind of pope apologist for...not calling him a kid toucher? Not getting the source of the down votes. Not a fan of Ratzinger and will be glad to see a new Pope take over.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    The conspiracy theories do make me laugh. Esp when I think about the response to conspiracy theory comments on other posts out in the world, like the sniper who was killed last week. I think it is difficult for people to take anything the Catholic church does at face value, much like LDS or Scientology.

  • Maguita NYC

    Wow. Me thinks his "Un-saintly HomophoPope" got caught with his hand in the underage-cookie jar, and was forced into resignation.

    Never the picture of one man in power had ever represented more disturbingly the nazi-loving pedophiles that organization had supported, and gave cover to throughout the ages.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    alas, there were multiple Christian faiths responsible for witch-burnings (and general woman-hating, or at the very least, women-dismissing) during the Reformation.

    but aside from that, I don't think anyone can "force" a Pope into resignation.

  • Maguita NYC

    For the resignation part, I respectfully disagree: Any one person holding a position of power, as the head of an "organization", could be put in fact in a position of forced resignation by the majority, or in some cases termination, always for the well-being of said "organization".

    And as for the witch burning part, sorry Sara, I had already deleted that part for I realized I went on a rant that got interrupted.

  • Tom

    I'm sure if he got caught the Cardinals would help him out like he helped them for all those years. Unless electing him Pope was his only reward and they fully repaid their debt.

  • Maguita NYC

    Well, if per the Vatican's tough stand on pedophiles with the oh-so-reliable "Three strikes and you're transferred", maybe ol' Benedict is moving on to a place where he could truly make a difference.

    Like maybe San Quentin's.

  • zeke_the_pig

    Why the sudden resignation? Tonight, scan the night sky. If you see a star that wasn't there before then you have an explanation: motherfucker needs to go oversee the construction of a new death star.

  • BWeaves

    Oh shit, I got halfway through your post and thought the messiah was being reborn.

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