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It Begins!

West Siiiiiiiiiide / Brian Prisco

Trade News | December 12, 2008 | Comments (28)

Taste that? It’s the sordid flopsweat of the Oscars approaching, which has flared up a violent East Coast — West Coast rivalry between film critics. (Well, “legitimate” critics. Here, we still give you happy ending.) The Los Angeles Film Crips announced yesterday the animated film Wall-E as Best Picture of the Year, following it up with Heath Ledger as best supporting actor — an obvious ploy to cut down on Oscar speeches. Not to be outdone, the New York Film Bloods decided to give almost all the accolades to Milk, including ousting Ledger’s leering joker for Josh Brolin’s hair-helmeted foil to Harvey Milk. While LA thought Danny Boyle deserved top honors for Slumdog Millionaire, NYC was all nuh-uh, Mike Leigh in the Happy-Go-Lucky hizzouse.

While ballers on both sides are trying to feverishly baffle mainstream audiences by tossing top honors to a superhero movie instead of the usual indie darlings, the bloodshed has already begun. Rex Reed was unceremoniously capped in the ass by some bitches while leaving a Brooklyn Cineplex earlier this week. Retaliation is expected to flair up uncontrollably with the release of Notorious.

Roger Ebert was questioned by authorities, but released.









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Comments

Eeeeeaaaassstttt Coooooaaaaaasssttt.

Did someone cap those Tweedle dum and Tweedle dee hosts of At the Movies yet?

Posted by: Cindy at December 12, 2008 9:15 AM

I'm going to adopt a child and name him Flopsweat.

One day he'll be on Court TV and I'll get interviewed!

Posted by: Skitz at December 12, 2008 9:15 AM

*throws up the dub*

Posted by: admin at December 12, 2008 9:28 AM

"Here, we still give you happy ending"

Elaborate, please.

Posted by: PaddyDog at December 12, 2008 9:29 AM

That's a beautiful dream Skitz.

Honestly, who the hell is betting against Heath Ledger in their Oscar pool? I feel like you'd have to be retarded.

Posted by: becks at December 12, 2008 9:30 AM

I don't know, becks, the Academy has a strong tendency to pass over the passed-on when it comes to Oscar nods. I wouldn't be placing bets anywhere, just yet.

Posted by: Snath at December 12, 2008 9:42 AM

If they give Ledger the Oscar, it will be a stand-in for the one he shoulda won for Brokeback Mountain. I've noticed they pull that kinda shit a lot.

Posted by: Jerce at December 12, 2008 9:50 AM

I'm going to adopt a child and name him Flopsweat.
One day he'll be on Court TV and I'll get interviewed!

Sordid Flopsweat Palin.

...Outdated already? Aw, damn, and that's a good one, too.

Posted by: Jerce at December 12, 2008 9:55 AM

I think the real question here is what kind of agency is going to let Skitz adopt a child?

Posted by: PaddyDog at December 12, 2008 9:58 AM

The third world country kind?

Posted by: Snath at December 12, 2008 9:59 AM

Snath:

I dunno. Most third world countries have become very picky lately. China now denies adoptions to obese foreigners. Coz you know, better a child be murdered in infancy than be raised by a fat person. But then Skitz shows up with Minimus in tow and a child seat strapped to the back of the Murder Tank? I'm just not feeling it.

Posted by: PaddyDog at December 12, 2008 10:03 AM

The third world country kind?

Hey! We're third world, NOT cruel!

Posted by: Sofía at December 12, 2008 10:04 AM

Sofia: Not to worry. A few more weeks of this economy and we're all third world.

Posted by: PaddyDog at December 12, 2008 10:06 AM

PaddyDog: I'm aware of the China situation with adoption, a coworker of mine tried to adopt from there, but since he's way morbidly obese, they denied him outright. He and his wife eventually adopted three American siblings, real sweet kids.

Posted by: Snath at December 12, 2008 10:28 AM

I'm thinking Skitz may have to start looking at fourth or maybe even fifth world countries. I hear Kerplakistan has pretty lax adoption requirements, and a fondness for whiskey equipped military vehicles.

Posted by: admin at December 12, 2008 10:29 AM

Admin: I agree. I think Skitz needs to try Pluto. Ever since it was denied planet status, its had to lower its standards all round.

Posted by: PaddyDog at December 12, 2008 10:31 AM

I'm pretty sure I've seen "happy ending" on the menu at Great Wall, so ... put me down for the dinner size, white rice, hot and sour soup and an egg roll. Thanks!

Posted by: bucdaddy at December 12, 2008 10:35 AM

You guys can all go gobble hobo scrote. My kid's gonna be friggin' awesome, what with all my kick-ass morals and shit - he'll be the Chaka in my land of the lost, like that kid in Road Warrior, but a helluva lot cooler. Me and Wendel are more than prepared to welcome a baby into this world. And I for one, couldn't be happier to have a newborn slingpack attached to my left side to balance out the dead weight that is my unemployed, heavily-drinking tumor of a brother. Whoever said "He aint heavy.." has never humped through the week with a drunk lump on his side.

Posted by: Skitz at December 12, 2008 10:49 AM

Skitz:

Given your, ahem, unique physical burden, shouldn't that be "I for two, couldn't be happier....."

Posted by: PaddyDog at December 12, 2008 10:58 AM

Im happy to report that Gene Shallots body was just discovered in an alley. All signs point to an execution syle death by Tyler Perry movie marathon .

Posted by: GILP at December 12, 2008 11:52 AM

Roger Ebert should lay off the fatty foods.

Posted by: Lucas at December 12, 2008 1:14 PM

Roger Ebert should lay off the fatty foods.

I think at least some of that puffiness is from the chemo and stuff.

But Ebert should do whatever is necessary to live as long as possible, because he is THE MAN.

Posted by: Jerce at December 12, 2008 3:22 PM

...like that kid in Road Warrior, but a helluva lot cooler.

I was thinking more along the lines of the kid from Waterworld.

Posted by: admin at December 12, 2008 4:53 PM

Skitz, I'll be happy to throw you all a baby shower - name the date.

Posted by: Cindy at December 12, 2008 11:37 PM

I'm going to be generous and guess "Gene Shallot" is some kind of onion pun I don't get ...

Posted by: bucdaddy at December 12, 2008 11:38 PM

Aaaaannnnnd bucdaddy wins!

Again.

Posted by: admin at December 13, 2008 11:20 PM

Big E. Small's manmeat wasn't small!

Not that I know from experience or anything

Posted by: hotcakes23 at December 14, 2008 8:49 PM

I'm with the east coast picks more myself, even though I live on west coast. I am anti-hollywood which explains this i suppose.

Posted by: ph at December 15, 2008 7:01 PM