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How Do You Spell the Asteroids Sound Effects?

Phfeeer! Phfeer! Phfeer! Phfooooh! / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | July 2, 2009 | Comments (30)

Oh my fucking God. Those motherfuckers are going to make a movie out of the video game Asteroids. You remember Asteroids? The coolest game in the world for about three months in 1980, before — of course — technology advanced past the complexities of the TRS80. (Anybody else have a TRS80 as a child? That was my first computer. A yard-sale number, I think, and I spent 12 hours creating a stick man that could move sideways across the screen. Best. Day. Ever.)

Anyway, there’s no actual story to the video game — it was a triangle of pixels that shot more pixels at rocks of flying pixels. And if you can believe it, there was a four-studio bidding war for the rights to the adaptation. What the fuck are they bidding on? A name? Just make a movie and call it Asteroids. What could you possibly gain out of the bargain besides the opportunity to use crude graphics from a 1979 video game in your marketing materials? This move makes absolutely no sense to me. If you just call your movie Asteroids (as five other movies have already done), no one is going to know it’s not based on the game unless you tell them it’s not. Is brain damage contagious? And does everyone in Hollywood have it? This is completely shitballsian.

Lorenzo di Bonaventura (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra) is producing, because of course he is. He makes shit into bigger piles of shit.

Anyway, here’s what the movie will probably look like:


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Comments

Sweet merciful crap! Heh, it's only a matter of time
http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2003/01/24/
Just wait for it...

Posted by: Yeti at July 2, 2009 10:09 AM

Dear Godtopuss, it's come to this. I fear this may actually be one of the signs of the Apocalypse. What's next, Billy Bob Thornton is going to quit singing and acting so he can focus his attention on being benevolent?

Posted by: Xtreme at July 2, 2009 10:17 AM

Will they be remaking those porn atari games next? I would totally buy the one with general custer ravishing an indian princess tied to a cactus. Hot.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at July 2, 2009 10:17 AM

Fuck yeah! Enough with these shitty movies based on modern games. Gimme some old-school flavour. I can't wait until they make Burger Time.

Posted by: admin at July 2, 2009 10:17 AM

I can see it now...

"Sir! Earth is about to be hit by asteroids!"

"Send in the explode-y triangle!"

PEEOW! PEEOW!

THE END.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at July 2, 2009 10:18 AM

Remember when "The King of Kong" came out? I swear I thought it was "The King of Pong" and that it was about the Pong video game. I played Pong for 5 minutes when it first came out, got bored and haven't played a video game since.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 2, 2009 10:19 AM

Jeremy you forgot the twist.


"OH SHIT A FLYING SAUCER"

"He moves so erratically! I can't hit him!"

Weeeeow Weeeeow Weeeeow Pew Pew Wonk Wonk Wonk

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! TOKEN BLACK PILOOOOOOOOOOOT

and now its a revenge story too, the final asteroid is that flying saucers homeworld

Posted by: Braski at July 2, 2009 10:22 AM

I thought Armageddon was based on Asteriods. Or Deep Impact. Or 2012. Hey, I'm working on this spec script for Centipede. It's a tender coming of age story with mushrooms. I expect a seven figure deal.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 2, 2009 10:24 AM

Ptcheeew. Ptcheeeeeew.

Posted by: Cindy at July 2, 2009 10:32 AM

i'm writing an adaptation of single player handball PONG.
it will star my dog and a large wall.


Posted by: celery at July 2, 2009 10:32 AM

But Braski, you're forgetting the most crucial part of all!

"Sir, we have a situation!"

"What is it, Captain?"

"We keep shooting the asteroids, but they only turn into MORE ASTEROIDS!"

"God have mercy on us all..."

PEEOW! PEEOW!

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at July 2, 2009 10:36 AM

I've got several enticing offers for my Breakout screenplay. As soon as I have a sufficient offer, I'll push the sequel Super Breakout: In My Pants, though I'll have to trademark that title so that it isn't picked up for a Paris Hilton biopic.

Posted by: branded at July 2, 2009 10:38 AM

December 12, 2012, approximately 1 PM ET ...

INNOCENT CHILD: Grandma, can we go see a movie? I'm so bored...

GRANDMA: Well of course, child. Let's see what's playing, hmm?

GRANDMA pulls up THE INTERNET because newspapers are extinct.

GRANDMA: Well, what would you like to see? The newest Pixar? That could be fun.

INNOCENT CHILD points to the computer screen.

INNOCENT CHILD: What's that one?

GRANDMA: Hmm, that ones called Goatse. Well how about that? You love animals! Remember when we went to the petting zoo?

INNOCENT CHILD: I don't know. Are there any good reviews of it yet? Lets check Pajiba! Quality reviews to be had, there.


GRANDMA: Don't be silly, child. Everyone knows that site was shut down ever since their overlord orchestrated the murder rampage against Hollywood. Jesus doesn't like sinners. Or Democrats.

INNOCENT CHILD: Oh, right. Of course. Well, lets go see the goat one. I love animals!

GRANDMA: Well go and get your coat. And bring something to eat, too, because it's going to be a double feature. They're going to show something called Zoo first. I LOVE animals! The future is wonderful!

Posted by: annoyingmouse at July 2, 2009 10:47 AM

What's the sound of a brain exploding?

Posted by: , (the commenter etc. etc.) at July 2, 2009 10:48 AM

Meh.

I'll wait for Defender: The Musical.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at July 2, 2009 10:49 AM

I played Pong for 5 minutes when it first came out, got bored and haven't played a video game since.

One less person between me and my copy of Assassin's Creed 2.

Posted by: twig at July 2, 2009 10:51 AM

i totally had a trs-80. in fact, it's still collecting dust in my parent's basement.

Posted by: gem at July 2, 2009 11:03 AM

I like it, annoyingmouse, but I think we can do better.

Goatse: The Musical

It will spawn a new wave of hit musical movies based on of horrible internet memes of the 90's and the aughts. It will be followed quickly by Singing in the Rain (from Tubgirl), Lemon Party Disco Fever, and 2 Girls, 1 Cup, and You (Now With Splash Guards!)

Posted by: Snath at July 2, 2009 11:07 AM

Targ, anyone?

If I had back (with interest) all the quarters I plugged into '80s video games, I'd be a rich ... eh, I'd just blow it all on beer. I know I would.

Posted by: , (the commenter etc. etc.) at July 2, 2009 11:08 AM

I request the next adaptation be a japan style horror movie adaptation of ghosts and goblins, as the sinister pale child with dead eyes and a tracheotomy attacks each person they get progressively more naked. Starring the top five of each gender from the Pajiba pick 5 contest or whatever that was called.


And Jeremy, that would be an initial twist, theres one giant asteroid, their weapons aren't doing anything to it, one guy (bruce willis) heroically crashes into the giant asteroid. BUT LO! The futility of his action becomes apparent as the asteroid becomes two equally dangerous chunklets that continue to storm towards earth. Pan to the general back on earth:
"We're going to need a more triangular ship"

Posted by: Braski at July 2, 2009 11:10 AM

I'm just waiting for the film version of Zero Wing, with authentic dialogue: "Somebody set us up the bomb!"

Posted by: ahamos at July 2, 2009 11:20 AM

Lemon Party Disco Fever

I just realized what that is referencing and now I want to laugh and scream.

2 Girls, 1 Cup, could be a regular tv show on Disney, I would imagine. What with Hannah Montana and their ilk, it wouldn't be much of a stretch, it would probably just require a bit more talent.

It probably takes a lot more effort to eat shit.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at July 2, 2009 11:52 AM

Lorenzo di Bonaventura (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra) is producing, because of course he is.

Well done, Dustin. Now my monitor is adorned with bits of spewed lettuce.

Posted by: TylerDFC at July 2, 2009 12:03 PM

This movie will probably suck.
BUT!
If the shoot-y triangle spaceship thing flies off one side of the screen and emerges instantly on the other side of the screen, all will be forgiven.

Posted by: jon29 at July 2, 2009 12:14 PM

If the shoot-y triangle spaceship thing flies off one side of the screen and emerges instantly on the other side of the screen, all will be forgiven.

Let me set the scene up:

A frenetic firefight in Zeta Quadrant Q17. The crew of the ISF DinnerBell is pinned down by the Oblong Armada behind several huge asteroids. They can not break cover or they will be shredded by the slow-moving and easily avoidable energy blasts of the enemy swarm.

Young Rookie Hotshot: "We've got to get out of here! We can blast our way free!

Grizzled Captain: "That would be suicide. You have no idea what those slow-moving and easily avoidable energy blasts can do. I...I've seen it before...Too much death...Charlene, I miss you!"

Tougher Than You But Still Smokin Hot First Mate: "This form-fitting uniform might mold to my double-D breasts in a very distracting way, but I'm still tougher than you! Listen to the Captain, we'll die out there!"

YRH: "But we've got to try! Trust me!"

GC: "Suddenly and for no reason, against the weight of my experience and better judgment, I've changed my mind and decided that you are right. Let's go!"

TTYBSSHFM: "I've got daddy issues, but I'll still rip your nuts off. Let's punch it and get out of here! Fuck me!"

The ISF DinnerBell blasts out from behind the asteroids, all guns blazing. Their desperate flight is cut short when three of the Oblong Armada saucers cut across their path, lobbing their energy blasts like they're at a fucking slow-pitch softball game. Miraculously, they all miss. The enemy ships begin to power up again...

Crew: "AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!"

Suddenly, Drunken Russian Cosmonaut and the Sputnik XII come blasting out of deep space, destroying one of the enemy ships is a hail of cannon fire.

DRC: "We got one! Go quickly, my friends, I will distract them! Dosvedanya!"

The ISF DinnerBell rockets away, leaving Drunken Russian Cosmonaut to deal with the enemy ships.

GC: "We made it, crew! Charlene, I'm sorry, I can't come see you yet. Soon..."

YHR: "I told you we'd make it! I'm the shit cuz I'm like twenty-five and I know things, man!"

TTYBSSHFM: "That was amazing how you knew we'd make it, Young Rookie Hotshot. How about you and me head to my bunk and you can show me what else you know. After I arm wrestle you and win, of course."

Their peace is abruptly shattered just when they think they are safe, as they immediately pop back out right next to the wrecked hulk of the Sputnik XII and the Oblong Armada, powering up their weapons.

GC: "Fuck, I forgot how small this fucking screen is. I'm coming, Charlene."

TTYBSSHFM: "Jesus, Young Rookie Hotshot, you have a small dick."

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

THE END

Posted by: Snath at July 2, 2009 1:48 PM

buc: PWOOOOOOOOOSH!

Posted by: figgy at July 2, 2009 3:24 PM

Here's another video game to film adaptation I'd like to see:

Darren Aronofsky's 'Pac-Man' - a bleak and unflinching look at the life of a severely jaundiced, morbidly-obese pharmaceutical drug addict, his spiralling descent into pill-fuelled oblivion soundtracked by repetetive electronic music as he staggers desperately through neon-blue mazes, running terrified from hallucinations of glowing ghostly figures.

Posted by: Dill The Devil at July 3, 2009 11:23 AM

test

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at July 6, 2009 12:12 PM

test

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at July 6, 2009 1:33 PM

test

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at July 6, 2009 1:38 PM