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Armie Hammer Set to Play Masked Man in Knee-High Boots and a Kerchief who Fights Crime with a Homeless Native American

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (49)

armie-hammer-281.jpg

We now have the lead for Gore Verbinksi’s The Lone Ranger, and the masked man will be played by the whitest man in Hollywood, Armie Hammer, otherwise known as the Winklevii in The Social Network. That’s good news, I suppose, as I liked Hammer’s performance, and Johnny Depp as Tonto is an … interesting choice, though it’s pretty frustrating to see that they were unwilling to cast an actual Native American in the role. Gah. F*cking Hollywood. Why go for authenticity when you can just go for the big money grab, right? (Source: The Playlist)









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Comments

I gotta say: when I do the swirl (and I do, often and enthusiastically), I prefer my non-black men swarthy and ethnic. Blonde hair and blue eyes are so not sexy. But GODDAMN that white-ass white boy is FINE!

And therefore, this will be seen by me.

As you were...

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 8:35 PM

Oh wow! Is it still only me who's commented on this so far?? The answer is yes. I guess dude really is that whitebread.

Since the room is mine, I will now slowly remove my nylons...

unzip my dress...

arrange myself languidly upon the futon...

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:24 PM

Jesus Christ Rowles, you let your guys write these type of columns that just beg for my unique perspective. I think I’m being set-up to get banned, so I think I’m going to hold my tongue on Johnny Depp’s role as Tonto.

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:24 PM

(visions of Armie Hammer dance in my head)

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:24 PM

Rest In Peace, may I undress as well?

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:26 PM

Dammit. Just when I thought I was gonna have some private sexytime.

(angrily puts dress back on, storms from the room Showgirl Nomi-style with heels and nylons in tow)

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:29 PM

(peeks back in)

Go ahead and undress Mr. Pookie. Undress, and dance slowly in front of the floor-length mirror. Now, turn around, and put your pointer finger in your mouth... that's it...

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:31 PM

Hey I'm just here to watch, not to get involved. I'll sit in the corner and you won't even know I'm there.

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:32 PM

yesssss, that's what I'm talking about.

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:33 PM

I'm pretty sure Depp is part-Cherokee, so they actually came fairly close to casting a Native American as Tonto.

Posted by: russmunki at May 17, 2011 9:34 PM

I'm a dirty little boy and I need to be punished.

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:34 PM

So, is the Lone Ranger going to wear the skin-tight, powder blue outfit?

http://stupidcelebrities.net/wp-content/old_pictures/lonerangerjaysilverhillstontoclaytonmooreloneranger.jpg

He looked a baseball player from the 80s.

Posted by: The Mutt at May 17, 2011 9:36 PM

...now turn to the side and arch your back.

No, not too fast... that's it. Now look at me... and touch your left nipple...
.
.
.
.
.
.
PINCH IT!

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:39 PM

"So, is the Lone Ranger going to wear the skin-tight, powder blue outfit?"


Well then they are going to have to change the title from "The Lone Ranger" to "The Long Ranger"

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:40 PM

mmmmmmmmmmmm

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:41 PM

As I remember from back in the day when I was a teen and actually read teen magazines, I do believe that, as russmunki said, Depp is part Native American, so it's not quite as ridiculous as it might be, but come on, there are tons of Native American actors they could have cast.

Posted by: tamatha at May 17, 2011 9:42 PM

Rest In Peace, make me do something naughty.

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:43 PM

(walks over slowly, menacingly, sharpened heels clicking on the marble floor, leather paddle at the ready, then stops with legs set wide apart)

Get down on all fours now; crawl to me.

Crawl through my legs, goddammit.

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:47 PM

Yes master!!!

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:48 PM

(sits on Pookie's back in reverse, raises her well-muscled right arm, leather paddle quivering with antici.....pation)

*uses other hand to softly caress his ass*

//SPANK!!!

WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU //SPANK!!! ABOUT MAKING GENERALIZATIONS //SPANK!!! ABOUT BLACK WOMEN???//SPANK!!!

HUH?
//SPANK!!!

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:50 PM

DON'T //SPANK!!!
YOU //SPANK!!!
EVER //SPANK!!!
THINK //SPANK!!!
YOU'VE //SPANK!!!
GOT //SPANK!!!
ALL //SPANK!!!
WOMEN //SPANK!!!
EVERYWHERE //SPANK!!!
FIGURED //SPANK!!!
OUT!!!

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:52 PM

Spank me hard master!

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:52 PM

(caresses his cheek, kisses him tenderly on the forehead)

Now. Pinch my ass.

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:53 PM

Put me in my place!

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:53 PM

THAT'S MASTRESS TO YOU!!
//SPANK!!

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:54 PM

Yes master! I will worship your ass.

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:54 PM

Make me eat out of a dog bowl!

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:55 PM

Pour something on me!

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:56 PM

YES!! YEEESSSSS!!!! I'VE FINALLY FOUND A SUB!!!

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 9:58 PM

Please put something in my mouth!

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 9:59 PM

Sorry to cut this session short, I've got to run. Let me know whenever you need to be put in your place. In the meantime, put these clothespins on your nipples until I tell you to take them off and you better goddamn-well like it!

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 17, 2011 10:00 PM

I will, gotta go also, Ed Schultz is about to come on.

Posted by: Pookie at May 17, 2011 10:01 PM

Wait, you can't end there! Ed Schultz is about to cone on what?!

Posted by: vic at May 17, 2011 10:43 PM

Agh, fuck this keyboard.

Somebody?

Posted by: vic at May 17, 2011 10:45 PM

So I just went to his IMDB page and he played THE Billy Graham.

I'm never going to be able to take him seriously again.

Posted by: grace b at May 17, 2011 11:12 PM

I suppose the fella that plays every native EVER was busy those months (Adam Beach? is that his name? He is known amongst my circle of friends as "the guy that plays the indian, always.")

Posted by: kinaz at May 18, 2011 1:16 AM

@Rest in Peace and Pookie:
Um... you guys want a private room for this?

Posted by: noonoo at May 18, 2011 2:46 AM

Huh. So here I am dropping by after a long hiatus and decided that, yes, I could comment re: Depp's appropriateness for the role (I say yes, it's a Hollywood yes, but better than some tanned Gino) but then I scanned the comments and feel totally grossed out like a kid who has seen too much in the coat room at the neighborhood Christmas Party.

ew.

And this may be tattling (it totally is), *raises hand* but, Mr. D? Mr. D! Is there going to be a comeuppance over this a la the Times of 'I Love You, Man' Thread? Because, as I recall, this type of behaviour WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!!!

That's what facebook is for.

Posted by: replica at May 18, 2011 3:52 AM

Thank you this is just random inappropriate.

Posted by: Jg at May 18, 2011 4:49 AM

Yeeeeah. What replica said. I mean, tossing out the occasional bajingo tingle or preference for big asses comment? Totally fine when you're staying on topic with the gentlemen or ladies presented in the post. This? I threw up in my mouth.

I also wanted to say that Armie Hammer is one of the stupidest names ever and I thought that baking soda would be playing the Lone Ranger.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at May 18, 2011 10:08 AM

*Walks into thread carrying black light for no apparent reason*

*Looks around*

*Runs screaming*

Posted by: Paultera at May 18, 2011 10:20 AM

*grin*

Posted by: Rest In Peace at May 18, 2011 10:40 AM

So that happened.

How exactly does Pookie behave when he is trying to get banned?

I'll be back in about an hour. I need to buy smelling salts and several supplementary strands of pearls for clutching.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 18, 2011 10:52 AM

Alls I know is I'll never make generalizations about women or anything else around here again.

Posted by: Chickaboom at May 18, 2011 11:43 AM

Wow, so, um. I was going agree that Armie Hammer (if you can overlook the name) is pretty darn nice-looking and has an absolutely scrumptious speaking voice, but now ... I'm not sure I want to acknowledge those thoughts.

So. Fucking. Sick. Of Depp. Doesn't he, like, own an island or something? He should just go live on it, and leave the rest of us in peace.

Posted by: Samantha at May 18, 2011 2:00 PM

So the complaining about Depp being cast as a Native American...from the same site that blasted those who blasted the casting of Idris Elba as a Norse God?

Hmmm...

(Oh. And Depp is part Native America. So do your research. Or, as it's now called "Google")

Love the site. Love your writing, TK. So this isn't meant to be read as the tone of a troll or a hater. Just having fun.

Posted by: happy camper at May 18, 2011 2:02 PM

@happy camper - Whitewashing and the Idris Elba casting are two very different things. Whitewashing is the norm, and there are very few portrayals of Native Americans in movies. It's a shame they didn't give the role to a Native American actor, since they have so few opportunities.

White culture is also not usually marginalized, so subverting aspects of it is more of an artistic statement rather than a choice made so white people will like the movie more.

Posted by: ejambe at May 18, 2011 5:13 PM

My choice of Native American for the part:

Wes Studi

... although he may be a little too old.

I hope that link worked, I have no idea what I'm doing.

Posted by: snapnhiss at May 18, 2011 9:52 PM

yeah. what @ejambe said...

Posted by: r u ok miss at May 30, 2011 6:21 PM