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Archie! Jughead! That Other Guy!

By TK | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (38)

ArchiePeople07.jpg

Does anyone even remember the Archie comics? About a dorky redheaded nerdlinger who was torn between the bookish Betty and the modelesque (and likely slutty) Veronica? He drove a piece of shit jalopy and had a moron who wore a crown for a friend. It had absolutely no resemblance to real life, and was hasn’t been relevant since probably the Eisenhower administration.

Well, Slashfilm is reporting that the Archie comics line is now represented by CAA, who has said that they “will seek to create branded entertainment opportunities in film and TV in much the way that it has for toymaker Mattel.” Yeah, that sounds like a super idea. Let’s make a line of TV shows and movies about a group of dipshits that are completely and totally unrelatable to anyone in the entire galaxy. I mean, teenagers these days are having blowjob parties and drinking crank case oil and fisting ponies while they inject heroin into their goddamn eyeballs, and you think they’ll turn out for a goddamn Archie movie?

Of course, it’ll probably make a gajabazillion dollars, because the universe is a cruel and terrible bitch-whore who has no interest in the advancement of humanity.

Oh, and one more thing: No Whining Wednesday can go piss up a rope.









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Comments

My fifteen year old self would probably show up at this movie wasted and yelling "Fuck the man." I'd say I miss that age, but last time I went to the movies that was exactly how I got kicked out.

Posted by: Zuzu at September 23, 2009 10:23 AM

Two words:

Zombie Jughead

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at September 23, 2009 10:34 AM

Didn't they just make this, only better?

Veronica = Megan Fox
Betty = Amanda Seyfried

"Better" being relative.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at September 23, 2009 10:36 AM

I'm with you on taking a bat to the skull of No Whining Wednesdays, but holy shit man - Archie weren't that bad of a goofy comic when I was a kid - no worse than Casper, Richie Rich, etc. Plus, there was that great controversial issue (#382?) when Reggie caught Veronica and Betty scissoring behind the Lodge poolhouse? Good lord... And then Josie & The Pussycats showed up with a picnic basket fulla dildos and baby oil and a hammock and Jughead was all "Food is the last thing from my mind right now, Arch" before he threw himself into the fray?

Pretty groundbreaking, if you ask me...

Posted by: Skitz at September 23, 2009 10:36 AM

They're just trying to get Riverdale on the list of America's Top 12 High Schools.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at September 23, 2009 10:39 AM

I could see the appeal for an Archie animated movie. But as so many other live-action adaptations have proven, it's tough to make something this removed from modern times relevant (see: Scooby-Doo, Josie and the Pussycats, etc).

The smart way to make it: go for a tongue-in-cheek re-imagining a la The Brady Bunch Movie. And yes, that means you must hire Gary Cole.

Posted by: Fredo at September 23, 2009 10:39 AM

I remember getting those Archie Digest books from the checkout aisle when I was a kid. They were always so damned..happy..to be in high school. I remember one where the school play was some sort of Civil War re-enactment, and the students' enthusiasm for the production was bizarre.

James Gandolfini as Mr. Weatherbee.

Posted by: laredo at September 23, 2009 10:45 AM

I think this could only work if it were aimed at little kids. By the time they even get to middle school I think most kids would be rolling their eyes at the "love triangle" thing and telling Archie to just grow a pair and flip a coin at least. Or asking why one of the girls hadn't wised up and just found herself a boyfriend that wasn't a scrawny waffling ginger kid.

Posted by: Rusty (formerly Genny) at September 23, 2009 10:46 AM

I loved the Archie comics, especially the Betty and Veronica ones-I used to read them at the Jersey shore on family vacations. Archie comics, Babysitters Club, and those invisible marker game and trivia books. That was what I did at the shore in between getting slammed in the face with my boogie board and trying to catch sand crabs. Good times.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2009 10:46 AM

Sweet baby jeebus.

Do not tell my husband about this.

I mean it.

Posted by: Kelly at September 23, 2009 10:48 AM

The guy who wrote Archie was super-religious. He also had a Christian-themed line of Archie comics that you couldn't find in regular stores. I used to receive them when I was in Pioneer Girls (And how did a good Catholic girl ended up in a Christian fundamentalist version of Girl Scouts? My mom was desperate to get us out of the house BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.).

I think the family is still going to retain very tight control of any Archie movie story lines. That will kill any chance of the movie having a summer blockbuster draw. They'd be better off having it be a Kirk Cameron production.

Posted by: Wednesday at September 23, 2009 10:49 AM

I mean, teenagers these days are having blowjob parties and drinking crank case oil and fisting ponies while they inject heroin into their goddamn eyeballs

I'm eagerly awaiting the Pajifogies regaling us with how they had it worse having to walk 20 miles uphill both ways to get to blowjob parties back in their day.

Posted by: branded at September 23, 2009 10:50 AM

Rupert Grint seriously needs to play Archie. Is it too obvious? I don't care, I'd see it.

Also, TK, I think I might love you a little today.

Posted by: Eyvi at September 23, 2009 10:54 AM

Didn't they just make this, only better?

Veronica = Megan Fox
Betty = Amanda Seyfried

"Better" being relative.


You good sir need to say five hallelujahs and drink five Bloody Marys in honor of the Godtopus for making that remark.

Posted by: bignick at September 23, 2009 10:54 AM

I'm only okay with this if it's written by fictional character Hooper X. I'd see his vision of Archie and its gay subtext.

"Archie is not fucking Mr. Weatherbee!"

Posted by: Courtney at September 23, 2009 10:59 AM

Rusty is right.

My daughter loves the J-L Sears and Josh Peck shows on Nickelodeon. Those shows are more or less Archie comics. So they have their target demo: 8-13 year old girls who have no idea what high school is really like. These Archie movies will make money so long as they make them cheaply and advertise the hell out of them on Disney Channel and Nick. Wouldn't hurt if they hired those indentured servants that work at those two channels to star either. Dye one of the Sprouse kid's hair red and they're good to go.

Julie, having grown up on the Jersey shore too I know what you mean but way to tee it up for Tracer or admin. But you knew that already, you little minx.

Posted by: ed newman at September 23, 2009 11:04 AM

Any reason to refer to "common people" is good enough for me. Is that Archie cartoon your invention or some other photoshop genius at work, TK?

Posted by: jason at September 23, 2009 11:08 AM

TK, you are indeed on a roll today, good reading.

As a Pajibafogie, I can tell you that it was more like 30 miles, barefoot, in 18 inches of snow and most of the time those assholes didn't have the decency to spray Old Spice on their ballsacks before they shoved their sweaty crotches in our faces. Those were the days, my friend.

Posted by: dawn at September 23, 2009 11:09 AM

Wait Ed, what'd I do? What'd I say? Was it the sand crabs remark? Or the Betty and Veronica? I meant it innocently!! For once. :p

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2009 11:10 AM

I hate to ruin everyone's day by sticking a shitty song in your head, BUT . . .

The number 1 song 40 years ago today was "Sugar" by "The Archies."

Here, melt your brain:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mGL4btEIoTo

Posted by: BWeaves at September 23, 2009 11:11 AM

No love for Reggie Mantle? He's the only guy in the bunch who seemed to have any appreciable talent:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reggie_Mantle

Mini div: Betty or Veronica?

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at September 23, 2009 11:13 AM

BWeaves!!!!!

sob

I used to like you

Posted by: dawn at September 23, 2009 11:13 AM

If I was making this, I'd cast it as follows:

Betty = Betty White
Veronica = Veronica Hart

Which is probably why I'm in the position I'm in today.

-Ralphie

Posted by: Ralphie at September 23, 2009 11:16 AM

Julie, I think it's the fact that getting slammed in the face could be directly responsible for the crabs. But there's probably some health class I'm missing somewhere.

Posted by: mrcreosote at September 23, 2009 11:18 AM

, (TCFKAB): Betty. Always. I like the good girls. They're nice and corruptable.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2009 11:19 AM

Wednesday, I'd forgotten about the Christian-themed Archie comics until you brought them up. I used to read those, back in my good-lil-Christian-girl days, in between viewing of McGee & Me.

But if Kirk Cameron gets his hands on these, do you think he'll cast himself as Archie?

I like the suggestion of having Rupert Grint as Archie... just because I like that kid.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at September 23, 2009 11:29 AM

Riggght Julie. By a boogie board. Was said board wearing an acid wash jacket and high tops while singing Living on a Prayer perchance?

Posted by: admin at September 23, 2009 11:33 AM

Nope, admin. Umbros and a Nirvana t-shirt.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2009 11:56 AM

Same shit, different year.

Posted by: admin at September 23, 2009 11:57 AM

Hee hee hee.

Posted by: Julie at September 23, 2009 12:00 PM

those invisible marker game and trivia books

OMG JULIE I LOVE THOSE THINGS! We used to stop at this little deli/grocery/general store type thingie when we used to go to Cape Cod every summer when I was a kid. They carried those and I would always get one for the days we didn't go to the beach. Now I want to go to the Cape and get one!

P.S. Veronica. She was hot and more self-assured.

P.P.S. Mmmm Rupert Grint. Delicious.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at September 23, 2009 12:15 PM

Betty = Betty White
Veronica = Veronica Hart

Speaking of Pajibafogies, am I the only one here who gets Ralphie's reference to Miss Veronica Hart?
And, yes, Ralphie, I would pay to see these two!

Posted by: Spender at September 23, 2009 12:52 PM

Moose's girlfriend Midge...what a woman! Totally stacked, controlling and bossy: everything I've always wanted in a female.

Posted by: Dudeus Odorificus at September 23, 2009 12:59 PM

Ultimately though, won't they just insert random popular young actors and end up with something like the rebooted Scooby Doo movies?

I love you old coots, especially dawn and Spender.

Posted by: branded at September 23, 2009 1:02 PM

I love you too, branded, now change my damned depends before I get a rash.

Posted by: dawn at September 23, 2009 1:24 PM

Pajifogies
*snort* It's really cute the way you kids think you're so jaded.

Posted by: brite at September 23, 2009 2:35 PM

Speaking for the overdone superheroic contingent, none of this will matter unless Archie becomes Captain Pureheart at one point during the movie/series/whatever.

(Think I'm kidding? Oooooo noooo. Jughead was Captain Hero, Reggie was Evil Heart, and Betty was Super Teen. Only Veronica had no superheroic alter ego. 'Cause, y'know, she was kindof a bitch.)

You're welcome, Pajiba.

Posted by: Green Lantern at September 23, 2009 2:44 PM

God, TK. Well Done.
Your music columnist, Darcy, is my older brother, and needless to say, I've had to put up with a fare share of dejected cynicism in my day, which has heightened my love for well-versed, verbal skewerings such as this post.

Never stop being angry. Seriously. Throw your alarm clock out, and hire someone from the third world to wake you up by knocking your nuts into your body with a sock full of oranges. Then get up and splash a pot full of coffee into your face. Then, watch 3 hours of CNN. And, please, let us hear about it on Pajiba.

I hope this is the last time I have to say this today, but you had me at "fisting ponies."

Posted by: Chinesewhoredoesntrhymewithdog at September 23, 2009 5:38 PM