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"Aquaman": So This is Happening

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | August 13, 2014 |


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Let’s get this right out front. Everyone knows that Aquaman is the lamest character in comic books outside of those Buzzfeed lists of the worst X-Men of all time that include random one shots like “boy with mutant toe cheese”.

Boom. Well, would you look at all that hate mail. Never change Internet, never change.

So there are several random tidbits that taken altogether might be mistaken as actual news, so let’s assemble - oh wait, inappropriate verb for this subject - er, construct the news item from the juicy raw facts.

First, we’ve got that picture of Jason Momoa up there. It’s been rumored all over the place that he’s playing Aquaman, but no one has actually confirmed this fact. On the other hand, repeat it enough times and a rumor becomes true, that’s just how physics works. That photo is taken from an article insisting that they just ran across Momoa in Manhattan. With high resolution cameras. And perfect lighting. I’m kidding, if it was staged they probably wouldn’t have Bill O’Reilly’s poster and “what the hell is going on” dude staring over Momoa’s respective shoulders. And maybe Momoa wouldn’t look like he was a month since his last bath. I’m just saying, if the first scene with Aquaman leaves a sheen of grease across the water, they’re going to have to leverage some major CGI to fix that.

Oh, yeah, Zack Snyder’s in charge. Won’t be a problem. Here’s Snyder defending the character on a radio show in Detroit. Which is news, because I thought Detroit was a post-apocalyptic wasteland. Though I suppose having a radio station doesn’t preclude that.

“You guys were disparaging, a little bit, Aquaman…I don’t want to give anything away about the movie or anything like that but Aquaman has some cool abilities. People are like, “Oh what? Does he talk to animals? Cause that seems like what he does. Or fish?” The cool thing with Aquaman is his Trident. So you have to realize that could cut the flesh of Superman if they came in contact. That’s a thing that’s in the canon. He’s super strong cause of course he can exist at these super deep depths so when he comes up here he’s crazy strong. Anyway, not to say he’s in my movie or anything like that but he has the potential to be bad ass, that’s all I’m saying.”

That does nothing to dispel the impression that the only reason Aquaman exists is for fans to imagine Batman calling him fishfucker and proceeding to eat sushi in front of him, asking if each bit is a relative of his.

There’s just something depressing here for someone who grew up far more a fan of Superman and Batman than any of the Marvel titles. Every time Snyder opens his mouth, you think, unless he pulls Joss Whedon out from behind his molars, nothing that’s about to emerge will make me think any better about this series of movies.

Joss Whedon had this to say: “I shit better story than Snyder pays other people to write to fill the downtime between his computer generated moneyshots.”

Oh wait, no, I made that up, sorry.

Finally, we’ve got reports that WB is paying for two different screenwriters to independently write Aquaman scripts. The projects will work in parallel for a while until WB decides which one is better and sends the other guys back to work on the CW. The scripts are being written by Will Beall and Kurt Johnstad, the guys who wrote Gangster Squad and 300: Rise of an Empire, respectively. Because why settle for one shit taco, when you can have two with cheese, am I right WB?


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