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January 8, 2007 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | January 8, 2007 |

Item #1: You’re going to need to sit down for this one, folks. Seated? Good. OK, here goes: (Band-Aid) There’s going to be a Mummy 3 (Rip!). You OK? Can I get you something? Coffee? Tequila? Some thallium? Here, take this wet washcloth. Yeah. Put it on your forehead. Sure, sure … take a nap, if you need one. But before you do, I have some more bad news. Seriously, lemme get you a strap of leather. Now just bite down on it. I’ll make this as quick and painless as possible. OK. Deep breath: Rob Cohen (The Skulls, The Fast and the Furious, Stealth) will be directing. Owowowowow — so sorry, so sorry. Oh gawd. Please. I know. I know it hurts. It’s going to be OK, though. I promise. No. Nooooo. Please don’t cry. No, I can’t deal with the crying. Please don’t. Oh shit. Put it down. Put. Down. The. Gun. I’m just the messenger. No. C’mon. Oh fu …. — Dustin Rowles

Item #2: Wonky-eyed, flesh-colored plastic display case Tara Reid has signed on to a romantic comedy, which she will not only star in but also executive-produce. Pretty impressive, right? Until you hear that the “indie” film, Honestly, will be directed by her brother Tommy and star Eddie freakin’ George as one of the love interests (and for you football fans out there — yes, that Eddie George). The comedy purportedly centers around a private investigator (Reid) who traps straying husbands with her feminine wiles, which include stumbling, inexplicably blowing on her own nipples like hot soup while cooing, “I gotta cool ‘em down for you, Daddy,” and winning projectile-vomit contests. Vinnie Jones, from the third X-Men installment is also attached, though his role has been limited to standing off-screen and yelling, “Who’s the Juggernaut, bitch!” while Reid pulls her head out of the toilet and moans pathetically, “I’m the Juggernaut, Daddy.” — DR

Item #3: To update a few of our previous round-up items, Gwyneth Paltrow has now been attached to Iron Man, the Jon Favreau-directed big-screen adaptation of the Marvel comic, which will feature Robert Downey Jr. in the lead role. Paltrow will play Pepper Potts, the secretary and confidant to Iron Man. Paltrow is ostensibly lining herself up for a spin-off to the Iron Man franchise, in which she’d play the title character in The Toothpick. Elsewhere, in casting news for the remake of Get Smart (which Dan predicted would be a “heartwarming look at gritty drug-fueled urban sex”), The (motherfucking) Rock has been cast as Agent 23, and Terence Stamp has been attached as an evil leader. For those of you hoping that Steve Carell’s presence as Maxwell Smart would somehow save Get Smart from completely sucking, forget about it. It’s being directed by Peter Segal, who brought us The Nutty Professor II, The Naked Gun 33 1/3, and My Fellow Americans, which I believe was the last film my mother watched in a theater. Finally, Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel, who lost their writing mojo right before Mr. Saturday Night in 1992, have been tapped to write The Pink Panther 2. Yeah, The Pink Panther 2, which I understand will be subtitled The One that Mercifully Mauled Steve Martin before He Could Embarrass Himself Further. — DR

Item #4: Several years ago, I picked up Nick Flynn’s absolutely brilliant memoir, Another Bullshit Night in Suck City mostly because it was set in Boston, the cover looked cool, and I liked the word “bullshit.” It proved to be a wise decision. Suck City tracks Flynn’s life during his late 20s, as he’s working as a caseworker for a homeless shelter in Boston. In a weird twist of fate, Flynn’s father, a delusional poet, alcoholic, and conman, winds up at the very same shelter, where Flynn meets him for the first time. It’s an unexpectedly funny and heartbreaking book that does a lot to humanize those random malodorous homeless folks asking for quarters as we pass by on the way to the office each morning. The premise, also, seems to make logical sense for a film, which is why Fox 2000 has picked up the rights from Columbia Pictures, after the studio drug its feet on production. Paul Weitz, who adapted and directed Nick Hornby’s About a Boy will do the same here. — DR

Item #5: Televised antidepressant Rachael Ray will be hosting her talk show for two additional years, meaning she and the happy little white-hot center of her brain will be on our TVs through 2010. Three more years of high-intensity fun!! Yeah!!! Although, truth be told, I’ll gladly watch her show two times a day if it means avoiding “Playing Chicken.” Fox has dipped its bucket into the pilot well once again and found another steaming pile in the form of a wacky and rollicking tale of two “politically mismatched brothers” — Jake, the crusty conservative, and Tim, the brainy liberal. After Jake winds up in a wheelchair, the two are forced to live together. Hilarity ensues. See — the thought of watching Rachael Ray suddenly isn’t so painful. If it weren’t for the fact that CBS and NBC have given out a bunch of early full-season renewals for next year, I would have to consider throwing my TVs out the windows (those newly renewed shows, by the by, are “Survivor,” “The Office,” “My Name Is Earl,” “Heroes” and “Law & Order: SVU”). — Seth Freilich

Item #6: In the box office over the MLK weekend, Stomp made a surprising (at least to me) debut at number one, racking up nearly $26 million. I’d like to complain that the film didn’t deserve those boffo numbers, but as bad as the narrative was, the dance/step choreography was probably worth the price of admission alone — for whatever reason, my opinion of the movie has actually bloomed since my writing my review. Night at the Museum and The Pursuit of Happyness held their lofty spots, amassing around $185 and $135 million in their total takes, respectively. The other two debuts over the long weekend bombed, as both Alpha Dog and Primeval barely cracked $6 million.

This weekend, we have only one new wide release, as the Oscar flicks continue to expand in front of next week’s nominations. That one release is The Hitcher, yet another horror remake. It’s bullshit, though: I don’t know how any remake can top a film previously headlined by C. Thomas “Soul Man” Howell, the greatest actor of his generation. Many of you may be surprised and pleased to learn, however, that a man of his talents is still working today, starring in a slew of what must be excellent-but-overlooked films like Hoboken Hollow and Zolar, in addition to his two-episode stint on “24” last year. I hope that puts your minds at ease.

Next week, the round-up will be on a temporary hiatus, as Pajiba goes “on location” for the first time. I’ll be at the Sundance Film Festival, where I hope to bring you daily reports later in the week. What do daily reports of a film festival entail? I have no fucking idea. I should be able to tell you whether Black Snake Moan is any good, but otherwise, I suspect I’ll spend most of the week avoiding Perez Hilton and Paul Haggis. I’ll try to make that as interesting as possible to our readers.

Otherwise, check back later today, when our next Pajiba’s Guide to What’s Good for You will be posted. It’s a doozy. — DR

Another Bullshit Night in Pajiba City!

The Weekly Trade Round-Up / The Pajiba Staff

Industry | January 8, 2007 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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