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Beauty and the Suck

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (44)

AngelinaJolie.jpg

Anybody familiar with Patricia Cornwell? She’s one of the biggest selling female authors in the world, and she’s got this series of novels (16 in all) about medical examiner Dr. Kay Scarpetta. I can’t say I know much about Cornwell, though she does seem to be a fixture on the mass-market paperback shelves. In fact, looking through our Cannonball Reader’s posts, I could only find one review for a Scarpetta novel, and it came from Nicole, who wrote of Blow Fly:

You know what? This book was a piece of horse shite. It doesn’t even deserve a review but some innocent trees died just so that it could be printed, and then I wasted valuable moments of my life reading it when I could have been doing something else, like scrubbing my toilet or pondering Barack Obama’s economic stimulus package or wondering why I can’t rock short hair like Jayne and Rachel Maddow or re-watching the heartbreaking conclusion to the second series of Doctor Who and crying my eyes out over Rose standing on the beach with mascara running down her cheeks while she chokes out “I…I love you” and the Doctor looks back at her with all this longing in his holographic eyes and manages a “Quite right, too” and SWEET CRACKER SANDWICH THIS BOOK WAS HORRIFIC.

So, not a fan, then? Well, Cornwell’s status is about to be seriously elevated. Angelina Jolie — who most of you probably know for her role as Cash Reese in Cyborg 2 — is in talks with Fox 2000, which just bought the rights to the Scarpetta Series as a starring vehicle for her. Jolie would play that medical examiner, probably in more sequels than you can imagine. The first film won’t be tied to a specific novel; it’ll be like the Bourne movies. They’ll simply be based on the character, which is probably best if Nicole’s review of Blow Fly is any indication of the series’ quality.

Anybody know anything about the series? Is Jolie a suitable fit?









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Comments

You got to blame it on something...

Posted by: jamiepants at April 22, 2009 11:06 AM

*sigh* I'm like the last person anywhere who actually likes Angelina Jolie and this makes me sad. I'm going to have to go rent Girl, Interrupted and watch her pick her teeth with Winona Ryder again to make myself feel better.

Not that I've read any of the Kay Scarpetta books, but what I've heard about them is not too different from what Nicole had to say, so I don't have high hopes.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 22, 2009 11:11 AM

It's Cornwell, actually.

That's a really creepy picture of Angelina Jolie.

She sells (and gets borrowed) plenty of hardcovers too. The big time. I heard a story that she's a lesbian homewrecker (Ooh er!). Haven't read the books but yeah, it's based in her own experiences as an ME.

I have to take back how disinterested I sounded about the Time Traveler's Wife movie. Easily trumped here.

Posted by: Jay at April 22, 2009 11:12 AM

I'm like the last person anywhere who actually likes Angelina Jolie

No, Ms. O'Connor's a big fan.

Posted by: Jay at April 22, 2009 11:14 AM

Honestly, Jolie is supremely overrated.

Does anyone else think she plays the same pucker-mouth-crazy-snatch in every film she's in? Who also has a past that involves either alcohol abuse or child molestation or both? And then she smirks and makes some reference about having sex and driving cars?

I haven't seen Changling...

Posted by: annoyingmouse at April 22, 2009 11:16 AM

Cornwall is, like many in the crime fiction genre, a TERRIBLE writer -- but great with plot.

So if they get decent screenwriters, this could turn out well. Because they have plenty of great source material, but won't be relying on Cornwall herself to do the grunt work with the dialogue, which is key. The plots are already there and, as I said, Cornwall is very good with those.

So Jolie has picked herself a winner here. And yes, the character is also juicy.

I had to stop reading the books because they were painful. Just... painful. As can be said about many in the genre -- that guy who wrote Along Came A Spider -- the Detective Cross books. Again -- terrific character and excellent plots -- absolute SHIT writing and dialogue. I actually THREW the last one of his I tried to read across the room when I was a third of the way through it and never picked it up again. I came across a sentence that simply insulted my reader intelligence and couldn't stomach the thought of ever, EVER reading another one of the man's sentences again. I remember the sentence, too:

"The food was spicy, but good."

Seems harmless enough, but added to the multitude, it was the last straw.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at April 22, 2009 11:20 AM

Yes, I am a big fan. Sweet of you to remember, Jay.

I am in lurve with Angelina, it's true.

She is even the face of my Daily Rant at MLW.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at April 22, 2009 11:22 AM

Heh. James Patterson will do that to you, Maryscott :)

Posted by: Julie at April 22, 2009 11:35 AM

I'm like the last person anywhere who actually likes Angelina Jolie

No beef with Angelina. Why would I? She's beautiful, smart, cares about other people. Would that the world had a hundred more like her.

Besides, Foxfire kicks all kinds of ass.

Posted by: twig at April 22, 2009 11:35 AM

I'm currently reading her latest novel and it is pretty fucking boring. I have yet to get to a good part..

Posted by: Pbo at April 22, 2009 11:44 AM

Apparently she's a Republican lesbian homewrecker. A little something for everyone :-)

Jay the ME comment made me laugh because that automatically means Mechanical Engineer to me, and, while I would love to read it, I bet a mechanical engineering procedural would go NOWHERE...

Posted by: Eep at April 22, 2009 11:57 AM

Well... I wouldn't be too sure Cornwell is STILL a Republican. She may have been under the wing of a pair of evangelical Republicans, but being a lesbian tends to tilt you leftward after a while...

By the by, Changeling is superb.

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at April 22, 2009 12:10 PM

Cornwell also "solved" the Jack the Ripper murders. (By which I mean she wrote a book about who JtR really was.)

Yanno, two hundred odd years later. From another country.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 22, 2009 12:13 PM

I think Jolie is one if the greatest action heroines working today, but I'm a little "meh" on her dramatic stuff - except Girl, Interrupted. Maybe I can muster up some excitement once I hear more about it. Especially if the director decides to give it a film noir feel.

Posted by: stardust savant at April 22, 2009 12:38 PM

I'm a fan of Angelina Jolie. She's hot. She's got presence. I find myself unable to look away whenever she's in view. I dig her. Sure, she's kooky, but that's part of the allure.

That said, other than "free cable" showings of "Hackers" and "Gone in 60 Seconds" (the only reason I watch, nay, am compelled by forces beyond my control or understanding to watch these movies, in their entirety, is because of Ms. Jolie), the last movie I saw her in was "Alexander", which I also saw on free cable.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at April 22, 2009 12:45 PM

I would believe that being a lesbian would tilt you away from the Republican Party, seeing as it spends so much time tilting itself away from the LGBT community (probably putting those in the wrong order, I always do for some reason), but I wouldn't think it would have anything to do with the rest of your political philosophy.

Posted by: Eep at April 22, 2009 12:49 PM

Now looky here... I don't have time for watching Jolie, but I'd let her rock my little man in the canoe anyday. Yowza!

Posted by: Janey at April 22, 2009 1:19 PM

Ah, Kay Scarpetta. My mom loves that series of books, but she also loves American Idol and gets deeply offended when I talk smack about Celine Dion. I borrowed and read a couple of the books; one involved a biker gang, I think. And maggots. I look back on the experience with something like amnesia. Dunno, like eating crap food because you need to keep some form of sustenance happening, mindlessly swallowing the dreck while dreaming of a gourmet spread (mmm.... G.G. Márquez...).
Speaking of gourmet spread: Jolie = yes. This will be a terrible marriage of hotness and suck movie, but she gets a pass from me any day of the week.

Posted by: tammy faye breakher at April 22, 2009 1:21 PM

Jolie is a skull with lips. I rag out my Julia Roberts hate a lot here, but JR doesn't have half of Jolie's pathological need for attention.

As for Cornwell/Scarpetta/Patterson, Maryscott pretty much covered everything I would have said.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 22, 2009 1:34 PM

doesn't have half of Jolie's pathological need for attention.

Huh? I don't think it's Jolie who begs for those cameras to follow her around everywhere.

I'm pretty sure that's not usually how it works.

Posted by: twig at April 22, 2009 1:54 PM

Given that my first encounter with La Jolie was in the awesomely crap-tastic Hackers, I can't watch a movie with her without wondering when she's going to pretend to know how to use a computer.

Also, the Academy's master-slave relationship with the Jolie-Pitt pair creeps me out. Seriously, Academy, have some restraint.

Posted by: Donut Plains at April 22, 2009 2:41 PM

However much I appreciate what Angelina does for orphans and charities, especially donating her time, I will still believe that she's really a bitch. She seems like Gwyneth Paltrow without the self-important USA hatred.
That said, if she approached me looking like that picture up there, I might let her touch my weiner.
Maybe.

Posted by: Kballs at April 22, 2009 2:58 PM

Ummm, Jolie isn't just an "Oscar Nominated Actress"...she won that bitch.

And what's with all these haters acting like she killed their favorite puppy or something? Damn.

I know it is de rigueur to hate on her but it just seems so tired.

Posted by: arr matey at April 22, 2009 4:05 PM

Ragging on the succubus never gets tired.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 22, 2009 4:08 PM

I know that her books are a guilty pleasure for a lot of forensic anthropologists. So the science is good. I think it is a good match of actor and material. Nothing spectacular but something to see if the weather is sucky or I need to do laundry.

Posted by: Jennifer at April 22, 2009 4:15 PM

Maryscott O'Connor,
I agree - Cornwell can't write dialogue or characters for toffee, but she gives good plot.
But from what I've read elsewhere, they paid to use the name Kay Scarpetta, but not the books themselves.
So however good Cornwell's plots may be, they ain't making it to the screen....

Posted by: Tarn at April 22, 2009 4:19 PM

Shhh, it's ok, Angelina, these poor souls don't know what they're saying. Yes, I know you're singlehandedly trying to save all the children you can. You even get a medal for saving Brad Pitt from a narcissistic shrew and creating THE ultimate power couple who use their power for good. But you want to know why I love you, beyond your elegance, acting abilities, and affinity for nudity/hotness?

The fact that you are the sexiest, asskickingest, and classiest head of security the MurderMaid's ever had! That, and the fact you're willing to use force to build a harem just endear you to myself and the crew. Now why don't you go grab your Oscar and show me what you can do with it..

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 22, 2009 4:56 PM

Completely agree with the above on Cornwell, and I have read most of the Scarpetta books. I got addicted after burning out on law school reading and needing some fluff. I really don't like any of the characters, including Scarpetta herself, and I think enormous liberties are taken between books with continuity, etc, but yes, good suspense somehow.
And I like Angelina, but not for this character, who by this point in the books is late 40-something, blond (oh, how often they discuss her blond hair and blue eyes) and I think a bit more brick house than our friend Angie is these days. But I am not a cool kid around here with hipster street cred to defend, so I don't care if it's damning to like Angelina.

Posted by: kx2 at April 22, 2009 5:26 PM

I thought Jolie was retiring from acting. Didn't she say that? Did I dream it?

Posted by: king at April 22, 2009 5:41 PM

Well, if it's damning to like Angelina, then I'm going to burn in hell.


Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at April 22, 2009 6:55 PM

it appears i'm alone in this, but i think the early scarpetta novels were pretty fantastic. engaging, intelligent, extremely dark, realistically detailed. hard to put down, really. and, bear in mind, this is coming from someone who doesn't ordinarily touch that genre; nicholson baker and jeanette winterson are more my speed.

that being said, i don't know about angelina jolie playing a short, ash-blonde italian, and i believe the novels started with scarpetta in her mid-40's, so clearly there are a few leaps being taken. but i'm interested to see how the film(s) turns out.

Posted by: angela at April 22, 2009 7:48 PM

i loved the first, say, 9 or 10 kay scarpetta novels. i've read them multiple times. from when lucy was little up until lesbianism and beyond. hell, i even liked hornet's nest and some of cornwell's non-scarpetta books.

is jolie a fit? no.
do i like jolie? yes
but is she kay scarpetta? nope nada no
she looks nothing like kay.
let me explain: a few years ago, cornwell's REAL life started mirroring plot devices from her books. in the books, scarpetta had an affair with her fbi contact, and in RL, cornwell started scissoring an fbi agent's wife.
plus the pic of cornwell on the back of her books always suggested scarpetta to me.

15 years ago, i coulda seen gleen close playing her.

Posted by: gp at April 22, 2009 7:56 PM

I'm so thrilled to come home from work to other people who like Ms.Jolie. All I ever see these days are people bagging on her and I'm like "uh, lady adopts kids from third world countries, donates obscene amounts of money and time to worthy causes and, unlike many other actresses of her generation, has actually proven her worth as an actress. Where's the bad?" I sort of love the fact that she started out as this weird screw up who played with knives, kissed her brother and admitted to bi-sexual affairs and proved that you can actually come back from that and have a great life.

I mean, sucks to be Jen Aniston, but it kinda did anyway.

Posted by: Genny (also Rusty) at April 22, 2009 8:22 PM

Let me only add that in Polish "skarpetta" means a sock, with a strong Italian accent.

Posted by: Iceblink at April 22, 2009 10:08 PM

WHERE'S MY BABY?!?!?!?!?

Posted by: Piato at April 22, 2009 10:09 PM

Jolie is cool. You can't convince me otherwise.

Posted by: replica at April 22, 2009 10:46 PM

Whenever you see a photo of them together, take a good look at Brad Pitt's eyes.

Thousand-yard stare, folks.

That's all I'm sayin'.

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy) at April 22, 2009 10:55 PM

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Posted by: 11 at April 22, 2009 11:32 PM

Unless the character is a historical one -- and a well-known one, at that -- I've never really understood people's insistence that the actor tapped to play that character absolutely fit the physical description in the book on which the film will be based.

(Unless, of course, that physical description is integral to the plot in some way. But let's face it -- that doesn't happen all that often. Maybe the character HAS to be black, or have a particular feature. But this obsession with Scarpetta's hair colour? What the fuck? She's Italian. I think we can deal with her being a friggin' brunette.)

Parenthetically... speaking of historical characters being cast against their physical type: I'm a huge The Tudors fan, and I think Jonathan Rhys Meyers does a fantastic job portraying Henry... I don't mind that he's not a hulkingly tall brute of a man -- but it would have KILLED him to dye his fucking hair red?

Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at April 23, 2009 12:39 AM

I read a few of the Scarpetta novels and initially they were mildly entertaining... Then they just become the same thing (but slightly worse each time) over and over again. It caused a hatred in me that I didn't know existed, which made me hate all the ones I liked at first. I never saw Kay Scarpetta as an Angelina Jolie type (I'm thinking attractive, slightly older not distractingly gorgeous).

Posted by: Kim at April 23, 2009 11:29 AM

I hated her until I saw "Alexander" and realized that she was the only thing in it that didn't make me want to kill myself messily.

Then I saw "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and realized she could be pretty fucking funny. ("Gia," while not funny, is a fairly decent showcase for her too.)

She tends to overpower other people onscreen, which I realize is what annoyed me. I like it when she displays vulnerability and far less lipstick.

I have never disputed her hotness though. (And a very stubborn part of me still refuses to believe she is not a sistah. Especially in Tomb Raider. Ancient Anglo-Saxon family? Hah!)

Posted by: Mac at April 23, 2009 11:55 AM

Cornwell's Jack the Ripper bookvestigation is the only one of her works I've read. It was very well researched (she actually traveled to Scotland Yard to examine all the existing physical evidence) and her theory as to the killer's ID has more circumstantial validity than any other I've read.

I like Jolie. A lot. I also adore Kelly Clarkson AND Arrested Development. I am a complex and unpredictable nilla.

Posted by: firedmyass at April 23, 2009 2:03 PM

Patricia Cornwell's first book in the series, "Post Mortem" is actually quite good, and has been included on the cariculum for a few university courses in modern crime fiction. Unfortunately the series never lived up to the promise of the first novel and the last installments has been quite atroucious. The charachter is good, and with the right execution I'm looking foreward to seeing Angelina Jolie fill the shoes of Dr. Kay Scarpetta. She won't be a Temperence Brennan though.

Posted by: Muffin at April 24, 2009 7:29 AM

I enjoyed the early Scarpetta books as crime/suspense/pulp - very enjoyable/engaging/page turning in a forgettable way. However, the latest ones have absolutely sucked. I think the train became well and truly derailed when she switched from first person narration to multiple viewpoints, and when it became a little too obvious that Kay was really Patricia Cornwell in literary disguise.

That always really, really pisses me off - when authors do a thinly veiled version of themselves as their hero (eg Jonathan Kellerman and his hero Alex Cross are both psychologists from california who are moderately good looking and have an interest in child / criminal psychology and have published papers on such topics and ... Patricia Cornwell and Kay Scarpetta are both ash blonde forty (now fifty) somethings with italian heritage who... blah blah blah.

Also, has anyone read her latest, Scarpetta? It was so ridiculously implausible it made me want to hit someone. Plus, everybody was obsessed/in love/in lust with Kay Cornwell. I mean, Patricia Scarpetta. I mean... whatever.

Also, Cornwell's character names in her later books frequently annoyed the crap out of me (petty, but still). Seriously: Washington George. Edgar Allan Pogue. A psychologist called Dr Self. There are a bunch of others but I'm becoming agitated thinking about how much her latest books pissed me off. Yet I still fucking read them. Go figure.

Posted by: JJ McClay at April 24, 2009 7:56 AM