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And This, Folks, Is Why God Hates You

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (31)

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Pop quiz! Which of these two gentlemen would you prefer to investigate your private matters?

This gentleman?

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Or this one?

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If you chose the former, ah, bummer. I’m sorry. If you chose the latter, you’re in luck, as Tyler Perry has been chosen as the next Alex Cross, replacing Idris Elba who had formerly been cast in the role. If you’re unfamiliar with Alex Cross, think back to two previous big-screen adaptations of James Patterson novels, Kiss the Girls and Along Came the Spider, both of which featured Morgan Freeman in the role. That’s the role that Perry is taking over in I, Alex Cross, in which Cross investigates the death of his pregnant wife.

Now, originally, the reboot of the Alex Cross series was set to star Idris Elba, and David Twohy (Pitch Black, The Chronicles of Riddick) was going to direct. Twohy has since been kicked to the curb along with Elba, and Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious, xXx) is set to direct. The good news is, both directors have a lot of experience with Vin Diesel. The bad news is, Vin Diesel is not in the movie. Tyler Perry is. And he’s signed on for three (fucking) movies.

On the plus side, he can play the pregnant wife, too.

Let’s pour one out for Idris Elba.


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(Source: Variety)









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Comments

Mmmm, Idris Elba.

God, I hate you, Tyler Perry. I hate you so much.

Mmmmmmmmm, Idris Elba. Your hotness is the only thing that can sweeten this ridiculous news.

Posted by: Jelinas at February 1, 2011 9:56 AM

I hate Hollywood so much. And I hate Tyler Perry.

I weep for our future.

Posted by: kellyo at February 1, 2011 10:00 AM

The way things are going, I shouldn't be surprised if my penis falls off soon.

Posted by: sars at February 1, 2011 10:02 AM

That's just what I need at work--more Patterson hype.

Posted by: Jay at February 1, 2011 10:06 AM

Morgan Freeman is unarguably a fantastic actor but Alex cross is much younger and has roughly 80 kids. I was waiting for them to finally use the single father/widower storyline that helps really form who Alex Cross is. I always felt it very cheap to abandon that part of the books when they made the films. This is NOT how they were supposed to do it.

Idris Elba would have been perfect for the role. Tyler Perry is going to absolutely destroy this. I didn't think I could be more annoyed with him. All I can think of is him playing Cross's Nana.

Posted by: Paultera at February 1, 2011 10:09 AM

Come back to London, Idris. Those fuckers clearly don't appreciate you.

Posted by: zeke the pig at February 1, 2011 10:19 AM

If Perry's spending a lot of time acting, doesn't that mean he'll have less time for directing other things?

Silver lining, people.

Posted by: Todd at February 1, 2011 10:22 AM

Just to clarify: They are replacing Idris Elba with Tyler Perry.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

PS: Fuck.

Posted by: jthomas666 at February 1, 2011 10:22 AM

Todd, as much as I hate them I was fine with Perry making whatever stereotyped piece of trash he wanted on his own time. He doesn't need to ruin this. With everything being rebooted today this could have been one of the very few that was an excellent idea.

Posted by: Paultera at February 1, 2011 10:29 AM

Oh, Todd. I envy you your optimism. *sigh*

Posted by: Jelinas at February 1, 2011 10:30 AM

Good point Todd.... and yet... still sadden that Idris is losing out on showing his gorgeousness and *clears throat* acting skills (no, ok... he really can act) in what could have been a great vehicle for him.

There, there Idris... let's go make some mocha colored babies...I insist.

Posted by: NGG at February 1, 2011 10:31 AM

So this frees him up for a new season of Luther, right? I can live with that.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 1, 2011 10:33 AM

I'm going to throw up right now.
I highly anticipated the Alex Cross film series. Then they announced Morgan Freeman, who is awesome and did a great job but is way too old to play Dr. Cross.
Kiss the Girls was great. Along Came a Spider was god awful and even turned me off from reading the rest of the books.
Now that Tyler Perry is going to play Alex Cross I am done. How could you do this to me?

Posted by: daria at February 1, 2011 10:43 AM

In what alternate version of reality does Tyler Perry make a better Alex Cross than Idris Elba?

Posted by: Carolina Girl at February 1, 2011 10:46 AM

Why is Hollywood trying so hard to keep my money in my pocket???

Posted by: Chickaboom at February 1, 2011 10:47 AM

Tyler Perry cast as Alex Cross is like casting Jim Carrey to play Hercule Poirot. Actually, NO! I mean...that isn't a suggestion, Hollywood! DO NOT cast Carrey. It isn't a good idea. The kids will not love it!

...And Rob Cohen directs. Great. The Crystal Pepsi of directors. The man you hire when Stephen Sommers is too pricey.

Do you know why the clowns at Ringling Bros.and Barnum & Baily Circus do not perform the works of George Bernard Shaw? It's because they know enough stick with what works for them. We don't ask them to do anything but what they're capable of. That way when they scare the shit out of us for being clowns with their funny schtick, they're not also sullying a piece of literary work that could be better handled by someone more qualified. Take a lesson from the center ring, Mr. Perry.

Posted by: bleujayone at February 1, 2011 11:00 AM

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Tell me this is an early April Fool's Day joke.
Right, right, RIGHT!!!!
Tyler Perry as Alex Cross makes as much sense as casting John Wayne as Ghengis Khan. What,they really did that?

Posted by: TheBlackMenace at February 1, 2011 11:10 AM

and Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious, xXx) is set to direct

I'm grateful Idris isn't in this. This is probably going to be terrible. Now I can ignore it completely instead of forcing my self to watch it one night on Starz or something, just because he's in it.

Posted by: jM at February 1, 2011 11:11 AM

Jeebus, Crystal Pepsi ... I'd completely forgotten about that. Apparently so has everyone else, since when people want an example of a terrible idea, it's always New Coke. Nobody ever says "That was the Crystal Pepsi of candy bars, just awful."

Well played, Coca-Cola!

Posted by: , at February 1, 2011 11:11 AM

Mr. Elba, come back to England. And bring Chiwetel Ejiofor with you.

Posted by: Aislinn at February 1, 2011 11:16 AM

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO deep breath OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.. etc

Posted by: Magiel at February 1, 2011 11:21 AM

I will just continue to picture Idris in my mind as Cross and never go see the Perry movies.
Why sully a good thing?

Posted by: Jules at February 1, 2011 11:45 AM

For those keeping score....

Uwe Boll is the New Coke of movie directors,
Paul W.S. Anderson is duL,
Renny Harlin is Jones Soda's Brussels Sprout with Prosciutto
McG is Pepsi Cucumber Ice
Michael Bay is Surge
and ole Ed Wood is Moxie; so bad it's a classic.

Posted by: bleujayone at February 1, 2011 1:08 PM

ahahahahahahahahahaa

*breath*

ahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Tyler Perry as Alex Cross huh? What, was Martin Lawrence unavailable?

Posted by: Even Stevens at February 1, 2011 1:09 PM

Rob Cohen directing is just the cherry on this shit sundae.

Posted by: Snrub at February 1, 2011 1:36 PM

Ay, Ay, Ay! Alex Cross-Dresser...

Posted by: No He Di'int at February 1, 2011 2:00 PM

It makes perfect sense, TP with his loyal fan base can widen the audience for Alex Cross. And pump some much needed blood into a near dead franchise. Do you all see how TP handles his business? No crying out loud about how some fucking critics ruined his movie, no podcast, no grandstanding about taking his fucking movie on tour. TP handles his business quietly, maybe Pajiba's favorite director can learn something from TP.

Posted by: Pookie at February 1, 2011 2:03 PM

Mmmmmm....Idris Elba.....yum.

Oh, what? Yeah, fuck Tyler Perry.

But fuck Idris, I'd like to.

Posted by: Slappysquirrel at February 1, 2011 5:18 PM

Madea shot Stringer Bell.

Posted by: greer at February 1, 2011 7:24 PM

Here are two absolute truths:

1) James Patterson is a fucking hack who should be eaten by coyotes
2) Along Came a Spider was a terrible fucking movie. I walked out of that one.

In conclusion: This was already so terrible that Tyler Perry can't possibly make it worse. Best decision Idris Elba ever made.

Posted by: Figgy at February 2, 2011 12:10 AM

Did James Patterson die? I mean, that's the only explanation for this. No living author, no matter how mediocre, would stand for this.
TP'll do a one-man show of To Kill A Mockingbird next, with white-face. Then he'll turn to Othello, also playing all the leads. Same goes for The Seven Samurai. And Bridge on The River Kwai. Casablanca.
Hell. Handbasket. Nuff said.

Posted by: cinekat at February 2, 2011 10:55 AM