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You Hear That Slinkity Sound? That's Alien Being Rebooted

I Hear the Murdertank Rumblin' / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | May 28, 2009 | Comments (60)

The remakes are coming outta the walls. They’re coming outta the goddamn walls!

And in today’s almost obligatory remake news, Bloody Disgusting has learned that Fox, which is already relaunching the Predator franchise, is now putting together an Alien reboot.

You heard me. They’re rebooting Alien.

I know you’re not surprised, and don’t act like you’re not going to see it. You’re going to bitch and moan for 12 months, but then Fox will put out an awesome trailer, and we’ll all be like: Holy Shit! I am so there. And then one of us will give it a horrible review, and 80 percent of you will refuse to believe us and be, like, “It’s Alien. How bad can it be.” And then you’ll see it in the theater and walk out weeping.

And then they’ll make a sequel to the reboot. And we’ll see that, too. We’re all fucking cinematic masochists. Can I get an Amen?!

And no: This is not a rumor. It’s happening. Tony and Ridley Scott are on board as producers, and they’ve even dug up a director, Carl Rinsch, who is nobody you’ve ever heard of. Word is that’s it’s not a remake so much as it is an origins story. Goddamn: I’m sick of origins stories.

So the question is: Who is gonna play Ripley? Let’s just all make a pact, folks, as readers and writers of this site, that if they cast Megan Fox, we hold the next Paji-Bacon in L.A. And we torch the fucking city. Burn that house down.


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Comments

Pact noted. LA is going to burn. So it is written.

Anyone want to bet they give Sigourney a cameo, playing her own mother or something? Gah.

Posted by: Tarn at May 28, 2009 10:19 AM

No. No. No. No.

I am ready, fully-armed, and waiting for my pick-up by the MurderTank. This time they have gone TOO FAR!!!

Get away from her, you BITCH!!!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 28, 2009 10:23 AM

Fuck.

Posted by: twig at May 28, 2009 10:23 AM

I really don't know what to think about this. I personally think that the first 3 Aliens were amazingly amazing, but right now, I kinda want to bury this series in a ditch in North Korea and detonate a nuke next to it. How much more can Hollywood obliterate my childhood memories? Do these peole suck eachothers dicks and get off at the thought of mind-fucking us? Those are my two cents.

I'm still going to go see it.

Posted by: David at May 28, 2009 10:26 AM

Fuckpigfoulskankdammit!fuckno! What. The. Fuck.

Where are my keys? Honeyyyy!!! Get my easy pass!!! The MurderTank can get there faster if we use the high speed lane.

I am so flabbergasted by this I can't even rationally think of ways to commit violence. I feel so empty. Can I have a hug so I can think properly?

Anyone? ....anyone?

Posted by: PissBoy at May 28, 2009 10:30 AM

of course, i'll pay money to see it. it can't open fast enough. hell, actors could be replaced by effing muppets and the alien queen could be played by weaver herself and i'd still drag the boyfriend to it, and end up buying it on dvd, and gettin high and watching it once a year.

what is wrong with you people?

Posted by: gp at May 28, 2009 10:32 AM

Why do we scream at each other? This is what it sounds like when aliens cry...

Posted by: branded at May 28, 2009 10:33 AM

Fuck it all. Nothing is sacred anymore. Just re-title it and subject it to the masses:

"Game Over, Man!" written, directed and starring Bill Paxton

AND THE SEQUAL!

"Game Over, Man! 2: They're Gonna Come in Here and they're Gonna Come in here and they're Gonna Kill us!"

Rated PG-13

Bill paxton will fall in love with the queen and have a baby, and then they'll just re-release Alien Resurrection so we can all choke on it.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at May 28, 2009 10:34 AM

My entire response to this is metaphorically portrayed with me as Agent Smith, Neo Mk 1 as Alien: Resurrection, and Neo Mk 2 as the new Alien film, in their final scene together in The Matrix.

Posted by: NF at May 28, 2009 10:34 AM

Oh. Fuck. No.

Prisco'd best find a new home.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at May 28, 2009 10:35 AM

This just made me realize that Sigourney Weaver sounds like a weapon. Which is perfect.

"In today's news, the executives at Fox Studios were savagely mutilated by an unknown assailant armed with a Sigourney Weaver. Their heads have yet to be found."

Posted by: Julie at May 28, 2009 10:36 AM

I know how this will play out. Remake city treatment 101. Find some younger actors and a script that someone threw out 4 years ago...and make it PG 13. We all know that's gonna happen. PG 13 Alien. PG 13. And how the FUCK are they gonna EVER replace Yaphet Kotto?! That dude is harsh!

Posted by: PissBoy at May 28, 2009 10:39 AM

MOTHER FUCKERS!

This is my fault isn't it? I mentioned a reboot in the terrible fourths thread and these bitches went with it. I feel so bad.

And yea, his Rowliness did say to the Pajibites, "let us trek through the rocky desert, so that we may gaze with adoration upon Mecca." And the Pajibites did agree, as it was good.

And his holeiness did instruct his charges to bring with them the Tanks of Murder and nacho dips and cereals and libations and other holy acumen. And the Pajibites did agree, as it was good.

And the Pajibites did stand upon the edge of the divine valley, and they did gaze upon it's majesty. Yea and the gathered faithful did pray to Godtopus to beg his blessing upon their holy task. Godtopus did smile upon the Pajibites and sent his human incarnation to the soil to lead them.

And yea, the Kolbaby did taste of the Pajibites libations and blessed the devout and declared the pilgramage to begin in earnest. And so the Pajibites did enter the valley of gold and tinsel and promptly burnt that fucker to the ground.

Amen.

Posted by: admin at May 28, 2009 10:41 AM

Fuck who plays Parker, WHO WILL PLAY JONESY THE CAT?!

Posted by: Julie at May 28, 2009 10:42 AM

Trying to be positive, I thought about how this will inspire a whole new generation of Alien fans. Then I remembered, this new generation thinks it is okay for vampires to sparkle. They aren't going to make Alien sparkle... are they?


So this is what it feels like to die on the inside.

Posted by: Morgagod at May 28, 2009 10:46 AM

Come here, PissBoy ....*huuuuuuuuuuug*

There, all better now.

NOW LETS GO GET THOSE MOTHERSUCKERS!!!!!!!!

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 28, 2009 10:46 AM

Game over man.

Game over.

Posted by: Morgagod at May 28, 2009 10:48 AM

*Ahem*

Okay, West Coasters. It's on us. We must draft and construct a Murdertank to have at the ready. One specially equipped to handle sand, smog, relentless sunlight, and palpable vapidity (rumored to be not entirely unlike "a substance known as anti-matter"--thank you, Angels and Demons).

The day of reckoning will be upon us sooner than we think. Prisco, you amass the soldiers. Carlson, it is on you to infiltrate the industry folk. s.pisaster, as an O.C. contact, we'll rely on you to work out escape routes. Me? I come from a conservative, Southern, Irish American family. I've got the booze and the boomsticks covered.

We'll be waiting for you, Eastern Pajibans. We'll be waiting.

Posted by: ShinyKate at May 28, 2009 10:51 AM

As a Midwestern Pajiban whose fiance knows how to construct and operate a sti....ummm....method of making beverages appropriate to this mission, I will cover that, as well as providing all manner of traps.....bear, rabbit, what have you. I will also call upon my bow-hunting friends to accompany us.

I'm ready, man, check it out. I am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art! You do NOT wanna fuck with me. Check it out! Hey Ripley, don't worry. Me and my squad of ultimate badasses will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Vwap! Fry half a city with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks...

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 28, 2009 11:03 AM

Dream cast for Alien -1: In My Pants

Ripley: Shia LeBeouf

Alien: The baby alien from Spaceballs

The rest of the cast: Anyone who wore a red shirt in the latest Star Trek movie, as you know they need a new job.

Posted by: BWeaves at May 28, 2009 11:08 AM

Just to clarify, the Western Murdertank is not to defend L.A. from the Eastern Pajibans, but to help them destroy it. Didn't want any confusion there.

Posted by: ShinyKate at May 28, 2009 11:16 AM

I love it BWeaves!
Hello M'baby, Hello My Honey Hello My Ragtime gaaal.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at May 28, 2009 11:18 AM

Recast T4:
--Bale as wise mustacioed ship captain.
--Opie's daughter as tough, black lesbian engineer.
--Recast the malfuncioning android with the malfunctioning cyborg.
--Helena Bonham carter as bald, cancerous Ripley.
--Small black girl for Jonesey the Cat.

Cut. Print. $75 Mil opening weekend.

Posted by: superasente at May 28, 2009 11:28 AM

I smell a riot goin on?

Posted by: Jay at May 28, 2009 11:33 AM

I mentioned a reboot in the terrible fourths thread and these bitches went with it. I feel so bad.

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS, ADMIN!!!!

Posted by: twig at May 28, 2009 11:33 AM

What's missing from the Alien series is that none of the movies were sympathetic to the Alien point of view.

I mean, here you have this simple, primitive Alien species, who only wants to survive and reproduce and burst chests in peace, and this bizarre, warlike (but tasty) race of monkey-things keep blowing them up and calling them nasty names.

It's deep pathos, people! It's a struggle against the odds to survive in a hostile universe! Where's the sympatico?

Posted by: Neodiogenes at May 28, 2009 11:34 AM

I just had to pack my swim trunks and pick up a coffee...

Now, if everyone can just wait at the end of their driveways, I'll be by shortly. Those of you in the Upper Midwest are pretty much guaranteed a seat, but I'm afraid the rest of you will have to find a folding chair in the MurderUHaul...

Posted by: Skitz at May 28, 2009 11:36 AM

Skitz, can you cross the boarder, or do I have to fire up the MurderTractor? It swaths, combines and bales!

Sorry twig, my bad.

Posted by: admin at May 28, 2009 11:39 AM

I'm more than willing to meet at the border, should you and the other Neighbors to the North wanna gather. Bring beer. A lot of beer.

Posted by: Skitz at May 28, 2009 11:45 AM

Sorry for not being as fire and brimstone as I normally am about these things. I just found I out I get to teach the score of Anything Goes next year and nothing's going to bring me down today.

And Jesus wept? This is unfair? How could they destr...

For fuck's sake, Anything Goes. A real score. Not High School Musical. Not Aida. Not All Shook Up. A real fucking show. Hot damn. And the teacher's going to make them all tap dance. No half-assing it.

Posted by: Robert at May 28, 2009 11:59 AM

Shotgun! No really, I mean I literally get to man the shotguns.

Posted by: branded at May 28, 2009 12:06 PM

I will be FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

That original concept is outdated as all fuck anyway, get some good looking people in there, hell let's make the Aliens better looking too. Let's have them go back in time and give themselves the mean to kill us all.

HA. HA. HA.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 28, 2009 12:08 PM

Would you believe I've never actually seen any of the Alien movies? Not a single one. But I've seen enough clips and heard enough quotes to get the basic gist of the series.

Posted by: Melissa at May 28, 2009 12:13 PM

i am not one of those people who will see stuff despite knowing that it's going to be awful. i feel like if we don't give in, then perhaps they'll stop putting out crap. resist fellow pajibans!

Posted by: gem at May 28, 2009 12:15 PM

Slim was worried he was gonna have to wait for opportunities.

So there we have it.

Posted by: Jay at May 28, 2009 12:18 PM

Get away from her, you BITCH!!!!!

dammitjanet FTW.

Posted by: Natural 20 at May 28, 2009 12:22 PM

Commander Skitz, sir, ready and waiting in the Midwest. Requisition requests?

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 28, 2009 12:51 PM


/hate to say I told you so...eeeh NO, actually I don't, this what you all wanted, WELL, you gets it.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 28, 2009 12:53 PM

The ice-machine's on the fritz, so if anybody wants to bring ice, it'd be much appreciated.

I hate having only one word on the second line. It's stupid, but it's a pet peeve of mine.

Goddammit, I did it again! Stupid design, asthetics always making me notice dumb shit.

Fuck.

Posted by: Skitz at May 28, 2009 1:09 PM

Ok, got ice, moonshine, crossbows and bear traps at the ready.

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 28, 2009 1:18 PM

*whine*

Posted by: figgy at May 28, 2009 1:29 PM

God damnit, would you stop abusing reboot!?

A reboot, like the computer term, means starting fresh with the same source material. However, every boot ends with different results from that material. It's still an analogy though, so it isn't perfect, but let's try to use the appropriate term so reboot doesn't lose it's significance. My apologies to the descriptive linguists out there, but go fuck yourselves.

Batman Begins - reboot (same bat facts, different bat universe)
The Dark Knight - sequel to Batman Begins
Batman Returns - sequel to Batman (80s)
The new Cliffhanger - remake (you could fault me here, but I've always felt like reboot can only apply to serial movies)
The new Alien movie - prequel

Some might argue that reboot isn't really a good term either, because it generally means pulling the plug and then immediately restarting. Waiting for ten years to do something again is more of just a bootup.

Posted by: pissant at May 28, 2009 2:07 PM

I will come back to America for the sole purpose of PajibaCon, if that purpose is the torching of Hollywood. We need advance recon groups to get our favorites out first. We can then remove them to a bunker where we can carefully observe them and insure that they never transform, inexplicably, into hacks. Pajiba will save the world.

Posted by: Coryo at May 28, 2009 2:19 PM

"Save the GREAT original films, save the world!"

Coryo, you inspired me!

Posted by: dammitjanet at May 28, 2009 2:31 PM

I hope the alien is replaced with shitty CGI! Along with any and all shots of spaceships, all chestbursting scenes, any flames thrown; fuck it, even the cat should be shitty CGI.

At last we have the technology to remake all our favourite movies from the past and fill them with shitty CGI!

Posted by: James at May 28, 2009 2:44 PM

I'm in, Skitz. I'm guaranteed a seat, too. Nice.

Posted by: Snath at May 28, 2009 3:22 PM

Thanks, dammitjanet!

Posted by: Coryo at May 28, 2009 3:25 PM

Fuck who plays Parker, WHO WILL PLAY JONESY THE CAT?!

Jonesy will be digitally inserted into the film of course. And he will look mostly like Garfield; also he may have a small speaking role. And he will be voiced by Bill Murray.

Posted by: Kelly at May 28, 2009 3:28 PM

How in the fuck do you reboot Alien? That shit was bananas, bananas mean cool, straight, the bomb, for all of you who are not hip. But seriously Alien and Aleins were great movies, do we really need to see a reboot?

P.S. Denzel, really, do you need the money that bad? Because if you do I’m working on a script for “Blacula II.”

Posted by: Guess Who! at May 28, 2009 4:25 PM

Is there no one with an original facking idea in Hollywood? Why can't people just rent the original masterpiece and be blown away by it? Or, just re-release the stuff in the cinemas. It worked for Star Wars (New Hope -->). It has worked for Disney when they re-release classics in theatres. It worked for Dirty Dancing... You get the point...

Posted by: Why?? at May 28, 2009 5:42 PM

Burn L.A.? I live here, I don't want to deal with the smell. Anyway, it wouldn't work. Summer is here and we've done our weedwhacking for the July conflagrations.

Besides, there are some movies we like, so just go after bloody Fox not the whole town. I say we take off and nuke the site from space... something something...

Posted by: Corvus at May 28, 2009 5:50 PM

I have an idea for: Passion of the Christ..Origins

Okay, so it's like this, Hayden Christensen is Jay-Cee he hangs out with his "D's" played by the dudes from Apatow's crew('cept the Piven plays Peter and Stiller plays Poncious Pilate).
Think Entourage meets Wedding Crashers, they meet, they party, they make their own wine and most of all, they bromance, with a twist ending worthy of Shyamalan.

McG attached direct and Miley Cyrus will play Mary Magdalene. Oh, very special cameo by Courtney Love as the "virgin" Mary.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at May 28, 2009 5:56 PM

What's next? The Godfather?

Instead of burning LA, why not got with Keenans wish, steal a nuke, and use it to trigger a tsunami off of Californias coast?

Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

Learn to fucking swim!

Posted by: FabMax at May 28, 2009 6:37 PM

A 30 year old scifi film that has aged a little around the edges but nothing more, does not need redoing. Does. Not. Need. I can't believe Ridley Scott is even considering this.

How far away is the Bladerunner reboot?

Posted by: Dave Shepherd at May 28, 2009 10:14 PM

Carl Rinsch is a damn good director ... of commercials. They are actually really good.

http://www.slashfilm.com/2009/05/27/the-commercials-of-carl-erik-rinsch/

That said, as long as Ridley is involved, I'll hold my breath.

Posted by: Mick J at May 29, 2009 12:54 AM

I'm in for Paji-Bacon: LA Burning.

Posted by: Smokin at May 29, 2009 1:29 AM

ridly scott's said for a long time that instead of sequels he'd rather tell the story of how the aliens ended up on the planet to begin with. Guess he's just finally getting around to it.

Posted by: the other kafka at May 29, 2009 2:00 AM

In space no one can hear you scream "Don't do it!"

Posted by: legaleagle at May 29, 2009 1:54 PM

Legaleagle FTW. If I get to vote.

I saw the first movie in a theatre from behind my boyfriend's shoulder. I would have been behind him entirely if I could have wedged myself between his back and the seat.

Posted by: CatBallou at May 29, 2009 6:48 PM

I'm in.

Plus, Jay is down with the PE, now every little b*tch wanna see me (him).

Burn, Hollywood, Burn!!!

Posted by: replica at May 30, 2009 5:24 AM





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