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F**k Me Running in the A**

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | October 27, 2009 | Comments (32)

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit Shitfuck Dammit!

I’ve lost my golden opportunity, folks. My non-existent dream of become a big-time blockbuster screenwriter has vanished into thin air. Granted, I honestly never had any desire to be a screenwriter, though I did mention to a screenwriter buddy of mine three years ago this very idea, which I wrote about just last week, for anyone that was paying attention:

The one idea I’ve always imagined, should I ever decide to give up the movie reviewing business and sell out to become a screenwriter, is now more or less moot. I had visions of a Happy-Madison/Will Ferrell style of movie that revolved around an air guitar band that played mostly ’80s bubble-gum metal. Somebody like Sandler or Vince Vaughn would play lead air guitarist, and in order to save their music store, they had to win some sort of National Air Guitar competition in the end (with judges like Slash, Sebastian Bach, and Dee Snider — you know they’d do it). It was going to be awesome, and there’s already a documentary on air guitar, so I’d just blow-up the idea into a complete, sell-out formulaic underdog comedy. Win!

Well, fuck me in the ear and wear my brain as a condom. The hell if Hollywood ain’t gone and stole my idea. Not only that, they hired a couple of hack screenwriters to pen the script, Mike Lisbe and Nate Reger, who wrote a couple episodes of “Just Shoot Me.” Dammit, originally, I had plans to write my script with Seth and, combined, we’re far more attuned to the glam rock scene of the ’80s than these bastards. Their movie, Air Guitar, like the script that I had envisioned, is based on the documentary Air Guitar Nation. Justin Theroux (Tropic Thunder) is set to produce.

All of which is to say: Fuck my life. I could’ve been somebody a movie website would’ve talked shit about if I’d pulled the trigger earlier. Eat me in the ass, Hollywood, you idea stealing earwax fiends.

Shit. I could fucking cry.



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Comments


Well, shit. I was going to be the grip on your movie.

Posted by: Lance at October 27, 2009 8:30 PM

I coulda been the cinematographer.

Posted by: Cindy at October 27, 2009 8:33 PM

Well, Sebastian Bach and Dee Snider will totally do it. Not sure about Slash, though.

Also, I'm not sure why, but "earwax fiends" totally made me think of the Human Centipede, which is somewhat random and illogical. Maybe earwax reminds me of ear-wig, which reminds me of centipede?

Posted by: MM at October 27, 2009 8:36 PM

I coulda been the air guitar.

Posted by: Shay at October 27, 2009 8:37 PM

Dammit, and I was going to write notes and backdate them so I could claim that I came up with it before you did. So much for that.

Posted by: Eep at October 27, 2009 8:39 PM

I would have fetched you stuff from craft services. Coffee and whatnot. And also your megaphone. (Screenwriters use those too, right?)

Posted by: Anna von Beaverpuppet at October 27, 2009 8:48 PM

I was going to be the fluffer. What?

Posted by: admin at October 27, 2009 8:51 PM

Didn't you do this once already? Dammit, Dustin, stop giving them ideas.

Posted by: figgy at October 27, 2009 8:54 PM

Dammit, cause it was SUCH a GREAT idea.

Fuck off, Dustin.

Cry about Edison stealing your crazy lightbulb idea... fair enough. But a novelty sports/performance Happy Madison-style comedy? Urg. Fuckin' urg.

Posted by: Kissing Girls Makes You Sleepy at October 27, 2009 8:58 PM

MM,

I believe you mean "The Award-Winning* The Human Centipede (First Sequence)".

*Best Picture, 2009 LA Screamfest

Posted by: laredo at October 27, 2009 8:59 PM

i was going to pull double duty as applejuice chiller/fluffer's fluffer.

how will i ever break into the biz now?


/eyes feist

Posted by: gp at October 27, 2009 9:03 PM

Dude! Really? So the movie has already been completed, and screened somewhere? For whatever reason, I thought it was still in production from Dustin's earlier posts about it. I guess by this point they're well into principal filming on Human Centipede II: The Ickening.

Posted by: MM at October 27, 2009 9:05 PM

Well to be fair, they did have an air band episode with Huey Lewis. Maybe if the News was involved more people would know about it.

Posted by: brian at October 27, 2009 9:08 PM

You can clean my lenses, gp.

Posted by: Cindy at October 27, 2009 9:10 PM

If it makes you feel any better, Dustin, this film is almost guaranteed to not be very good.

I mean... it's being produced by the evil DJ with the dreadlocks from Zoolander.

Posted by: Daniel Hall at October 27, 2009 9:20 PM

Justin Theroux (Tropic Thunder) is set to produce.

Well, considering that your idea was stolen, you could do worse, Tropic Thunder was actually good, a minor miracle, considering that it stars Beelzebub himself, Ben Stiller.

Posted by: George at October 27, 2009 9:27 PM

hell yeahs! i would totally be your assistant. i want a badge that says cindy's ass. on it though.

just so people will know they'll have to go through me to get at you.

Posted by: gp at October 27, 2009 9:29 PM

Apparently it's hitting the fest circuit. One of the actresses is quoted as saying the director has an idea for a less-restrained sequel.

Posted by: laredo at October 27, 2009 9:30 PM

Dustin: War's over, man. Justin Theroux dropped the big one.

The Boozehound: Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!

TK: Germans?

Seth: Forget it, he's rolling.

The Boozehound: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...[thinks hard]...the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
[runs out, alone; then returns]

The Boozehound: What the fuck happened to the Pajiba I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Boozehound, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Thoreaux, he's a dead man! Lisbe, dead! Reger...

TK: Dead! Boozehound's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

The Boozehound: We're just the guys to do it.

Dustin: Let's do it.

Boozehound: *Let’s do it*!

Posted by: Steven Lloyd Wilson at October 27, 2009 9:38 PM

gp you will not wear any such badge!

A hat maybe?

Posted by: Cindy at October 27, 2009 10:05 PM

Dude, Chill the fuck out. Yes it will suck, which is great for you. So few people will see it that it will be completely forgotten in under a year. Hell, it might even be released direct to dvd. Which means that, once the dust has settled, you are free to make your infinitely better version. But only if you really want to.

Posted by: Morgan LaFai at October 27, 2009 10:10 PM

ha! an ass hat.

you aren't right.

Posted by: gp at October 27, 2009 10:11 PM

I interviewed Sebastian Bach a few years back. Most unintentionally funny, self-absorbed, delusional former rock star ever.

I might have actually watched this movie if Dustin had been involved.

Posted by: neurotica at October 27, 2009 10:12 PM

Thank you.

Posted by: Cindy at October 27, 2009 10:16 PM

Make your film, Dustin.

The only question is; are you going to be Shark Tale or Finding Nemo?

Posted by: Daniel Hall at October 27, 2009 11:27 PM

Ooo! Ooo! Could I be the best boy? Or maybe the gaffer -- I'd get to go around gaffing things, right?

And DR: I wouldn't lose any sleep. Eventually every idiotic idea for a movie that anyone ever had will be made into a movie by people who actually make movies, so you won't be alone.

Posted by: , (TCFKAB) at October 27, 2009 11:53 PM

I'll be the surly drunk that crashes through the craft table.

Posted by: Skitz at October 28, 2009 3:50 AM

I know your pain Rowles. A while back, I mentioned an idea I'd had to my dad, about a Big Brother style show where after a few weeks, BB goes out of contact leaving the contestants to wonder if its part of the game. When they eventually break out of the House, it turns out the world has been overrun by zombies and they're the only non infected humans left, having been sealed inside the house and dismissing strange noises etc as psychological games by the show runners.
MONTHS after I told my dad, he asked me if i'd told any one else, or talked about it on say, a train or bus or generally any public place. I said no, not that I was aware of and asked why.
He told me about what became the Ch4 made for TV hit, Dead Set, a show about a fictional BB style house whos contestants/inhabitants are the last uninfected humans in a zombie ovverun britain.
I could have killed somebody, so angry was I that my brilliant idea had been pre-empted/STOLEN and turned into something that while apparently brilliant, still contains Jamie Winstone, famous for her funny face and being her dads daughter and not much else.
Motherfuckers.

Posted by: Nadine at October 28, 2009 4:03 AM


Dustin: You can write the reboot and have it come out in 2 years.

Posted by: BWeaves at October 28, 2009 9:46 AM

Take solace in the fact that this movie that these loser counterfeit screen"writers" are going to pull off is going to be a retarded incarnation of what your brainchild is/would have been. This news reminds me of a famous old quote that my Mom used to say to us when we (my brothers and I) were bickering on a school morning : "Shut the fuck up, because no one likes a big bowl of shit for breakfast, you little cockstain."

And Mom was right. I don't know a single person who does.

Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at October 28, 2009 10:28 AM

What the fuck is Perez Hilton doing in that picture?!?!

Seriously, air guitar is the dumbest thing on Earth. At least Scientology has intimidation and fear going for it. These rambunctious nerds can't even fork over $40 for a third-hand Fender Acoustic. The only people worse than them are the people who PAY TO WATCH THEM PLAY NOTHING!!! Sometimes living in an advanced society does not pay off. Them's the breaks.

Posted by: Kballs at October 28, 2009 3:26 PM

Maybe I can get them to feature my air guitar strings in the movie?

http://www.airguitarstrings.com

Posted by: Dave at November 11, 2009 11:30 AM





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