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After House Vote to Reopen Government, House Stenographer Rails Against Freemasons As Security Drags Her Away

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | October 17, 2013 | Comments ()


Screen Shot 2013-10-17 at 6.57.35 AM.png

Good morning, everyone! In case you missed it, last night your government decided to re-open shortly after midnight, which meant that — if you work for the federal government — you may have gotten a late-night call asking you to come into work this morning, which means no Price is Right for you today. Tune in again a decade from now the next time the government shuts down, and maybe Drew Carey will have returned to his natural weight.

But all was not candy, roses, and the sweet aromo of Ted Cruz’s defeat, as a House stenographer named Molly decided that re-opening the government was the perfect time to let the House know her feelings about God, and the atheist heathens who founded the United States. What better time than during C-Span’s highest rated hour since Jennifer Garner took the the Senate floor to rail against the paparazzi taking pictures of her kids, eh?

“God will not be mocked. The greatest deception here is that this is not one nation under God. It never was. It would not have been. The Constitution would not have been written by Freemasons. They go against God. You cannot serve two masters. Praise be to God. Praise be to Jesus.”

Now, to be fair, Molly has been cooped up in the House of Representative with other, better-compensated insane people, she probably hasn’t been paid for weeks, Michelle Bachman was probably eating her crazy-lady medicine, and Rep. Phil Gingrey was probably playing forced footsie with her to kill the time. Let’s cut the poor woman some slack, although the government should probably do better background checks on the people it hires to work in the same room as the leaders of our country.

(via Gawker)



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • e jerry powell

    "…[B]etter background checks on the people it hires to work in the same room as the leaders of our country."

    To what end, exactly? That poor girl was probably the most competent person in the House chamber (not that that requires much).

    If anything, I want someone in there who's able to lose her mind with more strategic timing. Like any time Boehner opens his orange face.

  • Skyler Durden

    As someone in a family full of Freemasons, I regret to say that Freemasons are boring as shit. All the fun stuff you've heard is pure fantasy. In reality, it is just a bunch of old men whose average age is roughly 700, quoting passages of Masonic text to one another and occasionally participating in community service.

    I WISH they were as interesting as this broad seems to think.

  • bastich

    Do they get to drive around in tiny cars at the circus, like the Shriners?

  • e jerry powell

    Are you skinny-shaming Drew Carey?

  • He's being thinsploitated by Hollywood.

  • e jerry powell

    What won't they squeeze every penny out of?

  • me22

    I wonder why after she mentions Freemasons you hear more people telling her to "shhh"

  • Look for clues on the back of a dollar bill.

  • Xander

    If Khal Drago was ruling the USA there would never be problems like this.

  • AudioSuede

    For my job, I have to scour the web for religious news items all day. Let's just say some of the right-wing blog reactions to this woman have been....troublingly supportive.

  • emmalita

    I was planning on drinking myself into a stupor tonight, because vacationing in outer greater Houston, but I'm pouring one out for you, too.

    Edited to add: I poured out some of my post-Margarita Chardonnay for you.

  • bastich

    Vacationing in Houston? Please tell me you're getting chauffeured around in that traffic.

  • emmalita

    No. I am driving myself. I want to get the FULL HOUSTON EXPERIENCE.

  • bastich

    Good luck. Most Houston drivers are waving around a smartphone, cigarette, or handgun (or combination thereof) while driving these days.

  • emmalita

    I'll blow kisses in smoke rings to you as I drive away from Houston like a bat out of hell while waving my smartgun. Tomorrow.

  • Uriah_Creep

    A smartgun? Apple needs to get into that market, ASAP.

  • Maguita NYC

    Sadly, the iGun idea did not take that well after testing with college kids.

  • Uriah_Creep

    That's right, the iGun 1c, which came in 5 delicious colors, did not do as well as the company expected.

  • emmalita

    Seriously! I would actually consider a gun that I could use to surf the Internet, email, and get maps from.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Which includes a straightjacket, I presume?

  • emmalita

    I often choose the straight jacket, but this time I decided to go with the 24 oz margarita option. I am Pajibaing while drunk, bitches!

  • BlackRabbit

    In the supportive manner of a "There there" and a pat on the head?

  • AudioSuede

    More like, "She's saying what we're all thinking and the liberal media is persecuting her let's grab our pitchforks and torches bleeaaarrghhh!"

    Approximately.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I didn't even understand what the hell she was talking about, I certainly wasn't thinking the same thing. Weird.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Should I console you about your job? Because it sounds mildly depressing.

  • Slash

    Also, I'd like to ask these "can't serve two masters" people what the fuck they're doing working for the government?

    I know their rudimentary thinking process doesn't allow them to be that self-aware, but I'd be amused to hear them explain it, how getting a paycheck from the government doesn't constitute a gigantic conflict of interest when they start yapping about the government and how the Jesus people should be in charge of everything.

  • TK

    Really? No one has posted this yet?

    You fuckers are slacking.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • Uriah_Creep

    Goddamit, some of us have to work, you know.

  • TK

    I'm not now, nor have I ever been, interested in your fucking excuses.

    Get your shit together, readers.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Holy shit, dude, you're just like my last boss. She was an asshole too. But we harassed her ass until she quit.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Poor Steve Guttenberg. They gave up their promise.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Aw shucks. I was watching on MSNBC. And turned it off once the vote count hit 216.

  • Dragonchild

    So you stopped paying attention right before it got good, eh? Welcome to the life of every casual sports fan, ever.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Hey, I never leave the stadium before the game is done. Even if I don't care about the teams.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I'm pretty sure that a requirement of being a Freemason is the belief in God, or at least a higher power of some sort. At least that's what's kept me from trying to become one. Well, that and a crippling fear of aprons.

  • lowercase_ryan

    God + Jesus = two masters, no?

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Nah, it's more like when one dude is President, CEO and noncorporeal virgin impregnator.

  • Uriah_Creep

    That's exactly what the New Testament says!

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I'm secretly a highly respected Biblical scholar.

  • foolsage

    I like your explanation of the Trinity better than mine. ;)

  • foolsage

    Not to most Christians, no.

  • lowercase_ryan

    that's why I asked, I wouldn't know.

  • foolsage

    Ah, fair enough. The basic idea goes back to the Logos: literally, the "word", i.e. the Word of God, from the beginning of the Gospel of John ("In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God"). This in turn became the basis for the idea of Jesus as "God the Son", one of the three parts of the Holy Trinity. God is the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, according to this idea; they're all God, and God is all three of them. It gets pretty complicated when you get into fiddly details like the hypostatic union (i.e. the theory that Jesus was fully mortal, but also fully divine), but the basic concept is easy enough.

    Not all Christians believe this, but it's pretty mainstream nonetheless, and is central to Catholicism.

  • kortni_thecinnamonapple

    She realizes that whole "under god" part wasn't added til the 50's right?

  • Slash

    No. These people are ignorant. Of everything. Except how to open their gaping pieholes.

  • Tagg

    How did Pennsatucky get on the House floor?

  • Ran for Congress and was elected, just like all the other crazies

    Helps that she ran in a gerrymandered district (see map below)

    http://i426.photobucket.com/al...

  • emmalita

    It is a code. I also received a message last night. Stock up on your meth laced energy drinks and breakfast meats, the invasion will begin shortly.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Have you noticed all the Canada Geese flocking down your way? We're coming for you and we are legion!

    We're also pooping on your windshield.

  • Captain D

    Those geese are no joke. I would tread softly if I were you...unless you happen to have a border collie by your side.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    The geese go against God. The are demons from Canada like Avril Lavigne and Robin Thicke.

    They will not be mocked!

  • Uriah_Creep

    And Chad Kroeger. Don't forget Chad Kroeger.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    No. I still believe that there is good in Canada, despite what they would like us to believe. Chad Kroeger is not really from Canada. Nor is Justin Bieber. I don't have any proof but I need to believe there is still some decency in this world.

    For god's sake, these people live upstairs from us!

  • Uriah_Creep

    Oh, I'm a Canuckian, but I know evil Canadian musicians when I see them, and Kroegs is EVIL. We've now sent Celine Dion down to Las Vegas semi-permanently, so we'll see how long you believe in our decency. HA HA HA HA!!!

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    You...people.

  • bastich

    Would Ann Murray and kd lang work?

  • emmalita

    You had better come up with a stronger invasion force. I am vacationing in the outer greater Houston hell-scape and there are no geese here. They're were either killed off by the chemical refinery fumes or distracted by the multitude of "gentleman's clubs."

  • e jerry powell

    Like that one out on Westheimer, Treasures, just west of the Galleria district. I used to work across the street. Geese and snowflakes, and only one ever landed on the ground.

    Oh, to have an office with doors and windows again...

  • bastich

    If they took I-45 southbound, then they're probably still stuck in traffic.

  • emmalita

    I was stuck in traffic on I-45 southbound! There were no geese there either. I-45 southbound is the stuff of nightmares. I think the geese said fuck it and went back to Toronto.

  • e jerry powell

    And will be until Saturday.

  • Bah, the Freemasons haven't been relevant for years. You'd think someone that close to the corridors of power would be aware instead of the very real dangers posed by the Tri-Lateral Commission and their ultimate masters, the Pentaveret.

  • Marc Greene

    The e-mails I get from the Lizard People from the center of the Earth are getting SOOO preachy nowadays, I think I might switch my allegiance to the Grey's League of Shadows.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Don't look at me, I voted for Kodos.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Get outta here, they finally got internet access down there?

  • Marc Greene

    Yeah, but it is AOL :-/

  • The only real perk of Lizard People allegiance isss that you get to talk in ssssibilantsss like Cobra Commander.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Is there a class that teaches you how to do that? Or, at least, to do it well?

  • Welldressed

    Yes, it's called Castilian Spanish.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Zing!

  • TK the Other (de-lurking)

    They're called Silurians. They have a name, they have an agenda, they will not be outshouted!

  • Dragonchild

    That's only what you've been told.

  • Fredo

    Dammit, you must have missed our last symposium during the Bilderberg meeting of the Hellfire Club! In it, it was decided that we are not to speak of the Pentaveret at all. That's why we built the Georgia Guidestones! To throw the scent off from people like Glenn Beck, Alex Jones, Charlie Sheen and Sy from Duck Dynasty.

  • I quit going to the Hellfire Club after Emma Frost left. Without her there walking around, it all seemed significantly less interesting.

  • Fredo

    TBF, Emma Frost was very cold and aloof when I was there. Seemed more interested in plain crackers.

  • Then I'm in luck, because I happen to be a plain ol' cracker myself.

  • foolsage

    Sebastian Shaw's a total prat, as well. Guy has no manners and is SERIOUSLY enamored with himself.

  • BWeaves

    I'm a touch typist, and I type very fast, but if I had to type what people were saying, as they were saying it, for hours, I would go insane. Top that with not getting paid, and listening to people who were getting paid, talk inane crap and not give in, I think I'd go on a rant, too.

  • e jerry powell

    Actually, she's probably a certified verbatim transcriptionist, so she was probably using a steno machine to type in shorthand.

    What? My last ex runs a court reporting service in Atlanta!

  • ed newman

    But would you go on that rant?

  • BWeaves

    NOOOOOO.

  • emmalita

    BWeaves rant would be much more interesting.

  • Dragonchild

    Actually, isn't the zealous fringe insanity solid evidence they HAD done proper background checks? Half the country wants to see the Tea Party Republicans shot right now and here we have a stenographer so drunk from the Kool-Aid she'd probably step in front of the bullet.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Michelle Bachman was visibly upset as the shutdown was her only means of pleasure for the past sixteen days. Her husband was busy catching up on Project Runway.

  • e jerry powell

    Oh, SNAP!

    But true, especially since Kerry Washington is the guest judge for the finale tonight.

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