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July 1, 2006 |

By Dustin Rowles | Industry | July 1, 2006 |

Item #1: There are a lot of teen-fluff films from the ’80s that are OK to remake. You want to redo Footloose and strip it of everything that was inexplicably great about the original? Fine. The Legend of Billie Jean? I couldn’t care less. Weekend at Bernie’s? More power to you. The Karate Kid, Can’t Buy Me Love, Mystic Pizza, or even Teen Wolf? Have at it, though don’t expect any of us to enjoy them. But there are others you just don’t touch, like Heathers, Say Anything, The Princess Bride, the films of John Hughes (it’s only a matter of time) and Chris Columbus’ one positive contribution to cinema, Adventures in Babysitting. Granted, I don’t remember a goddamn thing about it and confuse large hunks of it with the Coreys’ License to Drive, but that’s as it should be: A fond, albeit fuzzy, memory of a kick-ass babysitter and a group of kids who weren’t allowed to leave a bar without singing the blues.

But the sons of bitches at Walt Disney have decided to do the unthinkable and remake Adventures with freakin Raven-Symone as the babysitter. Raven-Symone?! Who of late looks like she swallowed her own character from “The Cosby Show?” How the hell is that a good idea? Why don’t they just remake Pump Up the Volume with Jaleel White as Hard-On Harry? Or Better Off Dead with Nicole Eggert as Beth and Joey Lawrence as Charles DeMar? Or Risky Business with Danny Pintauro in the lead?! C’mon Hollywood — why must you strip us of our childhoods? — Dustin Rowles

Item #2: Fresh off the violently overrated Crash and a guest-starring spot on “Entourage,” Paul Haggis is eyeing an adaptation of former counterterrorism adviser Richard Clarke’s book Against All Enemies. But the truly bizarre part is that Vince Vaughn is rumored to be in the running to play former Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neill. Yes, that Vince Vaughn. The comedic force of nature who, after a failed run at drama with the turgid A Cool, Dry Place and the unfortunate Psycho remake, has ascended to the top of Hollywood by appearing in such Frat Pack classics as Old School, Dodgeball, and the oft-quoted Anchorman. How on earth Haggis expects Vaughn to pull of such a role is beyond me, though it’s not outside the realm of possibility that Vaughn could find himself up for an Oscar after showing off his chops by breaking down in tears in the arms of his Hispanic maid. — Daniel Carlson

Item #3: I was more than a little excited when I saw that Johnny Depp was going to star in Happy Days under the direction of Terry Zwigoff. I assumed Depp would bring a much-needed edge to the Fonz, mining that leather jacket and teenage libido for all it’s worth, almost like some pseudo-sequel to Cry-Baby. Would Jackie Chan play Arnold? Which Wilson brother would play Ralph Malph? But it turns out I was way, way off on this one. Happy Days in this case is a French novel about a man who leaves his family, checks into a rest home, and forms a bond with an elderly woman there who suffers from terminal cancer. Now, given this particular actor-director roster, I’m sure the film will be a good one, or at least an interesting one. But this is in no way the kind of double-date-with-the-Jabruski-twins hijinks promised by the title. I feel betrayed, Johnny. Betrayed. — DC

Item #4: Jessica Alba is in talks with Tom Cruise’s production company to star in a remake of the Hong Kong horror flick The Eye, in which she’ll play a blind woman who gets a cornea transplant so that she can see again. When she starts to see ghosts and other disturbing images, however, she attempts to track down the origins of her eye and the history of the dead owner. Unfortunately, if Alba’s track record is any indication, no one else will be able to see how the plot unfolds, as the film will no doubt feature one long 112-minute soft-focus close-up of Alba’s ass as she spends the entire running time trying on jeans and picking her G-string out of her ass. — DR

Item #5: Earlier this week, word came out that some of the original cast members from the other side of the pond’s “The Office” will be popping up on the stateside version. Specifically, we’ll be seeing appearances from Mackenzie Crook (Gareth, the original Dwight), Martin Freeman (Tim, the basis for the extremely differently named Jim) and Lucy Davis (Dawn, the blonde, British version of Pam). While it would be awesome if they were showing up as their original characters (particularly to see the wonder that could be the Dwight/Gareth interaction), it should still be fun to watch them take on guest spots and interact with our lovely paper-company workers. Ricky Gervais, sadly and noticeably, is missing from that list. But considering that he and original co-creator Stephen Merchant (who plays Gervais’ agent in “Extras”) are planning to write one of next season’s episodes, we must assume that it’s only a matter of time before Gervais walks through the Dunder Mifflin doors himself. But next season is still several months away — in the meantime, you can placate your “Office” needs with the online webisodes, which begin running today. — Seth Freilich

Item #6: In box-office news, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest did the unimaginable and broke Aquaman’s two-week old box-office record, racking up a whopping $135 million over the weekend. I’d love to talk about how box-office gross has absolutely no correlation to quality, but Dan has already beaten me to the punch. Superman Returns took the brunt of the Pirates box-office massacre, dropping a hefty 58 percent to land at No. 2 with $22 million, even if it was slightly less disappointing than Pirates. Finally, The Devil Wears Prada chugs along as this summer’s sleeper hit, picking up another $15 million and once again proving why studios continue to churn out bland, overly processed, formulaic films that challenge absolutely no one.

As for this weekend, we have a full slate again. First up, Owen Wilson looks to finally wear out his welcome once and for all in You, Me and Dupree. Opening on 2,000 screens, the Wayans Brothers bring us Little Man, which may be the one film that actually kills a Pajiba critic or at least exhausts his arsenal of profanity. We’re also covering The Oh in Ohio, for all y’all who wanted to know what a film starring both Parker Posey and Mischa Barton would feel like, and we should finally get around to reviewing Strangers with Candy. And never fear, folks: Our A Scanner Darkly review should appear later today, with apologies for its tardiness. — DR

Adventures in Pajiba

The Weekly Trade Round-Up / The Pajiba Staff

Industry | July 1, 2006 |

Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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