ABC Picks up Conveyor Belt of Love

Shtballs Just Got Shtballsier!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (46)

ABC — the motherfucking American Broadcasting Company, a real live television network that comes free with a pair of rabbit ears (or a coat hanger with tin foil) — has lowered itself beyond the pale, picking up a new reality show that makes the Fox network look like freakin’ AMC.

The show is called “Conveyor Belt of Love.”

It’s exactly what you think. Thirty men are lined up on a conveyor belt in front of a panel of five women and given one minute to impress them.

If a woman is interested in someone, that man will step aside and wait as the rest of the men go by. But if another man comes by on the belt that seems better than that woman’s first choice, she can swap out the man waiting off of the belt as many times as she wants until the last man has passed by. If two or more of the women are interested in the same man, the tables turn and the man on the conveyor belt gets to choose which one he would like to wait for. After all 30 men have made it through the “Conveyor Belt of Love,” each woman is left with her final choice as they embark on a date in the hope of finding a true connection.

Sounds less like a reality dating show and more like a goddamn human cattle call. Why doesn’t each man just hold out his member and the women can give each one a try. Blindfolded. Premature ejaculators are automatically dinged. Bonus points for the shocker.

You know it’s where were heading.

Is there a teaser trailer “Conveyor Belt of Love”? You bet!

(H/T Cindy)

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Comments

I prefer the 1950's version, The Automat of Love, that aired on NBC Blue.

Posted by: Adam C at December 11, 2009 9:06 AM

I would totally watch that. If there was a carney at the controls of the conveyor belt and a Yakkity Sax over dub.

Posted by: admin at December 11, 2009 9:07 AM

This reminds me of Dubs. I think that was the name. It was a restaurant, of sorts. An all you could eat buffet, where instead of walking down a buffet line, you wedged yourself in what I can only describe as a stall, and selected food as it moved past you on a conveyor belt. The FATTEST people would eat there. I told my Mom, who was fat at the time, that I refused to eat there, because the other diners made me want to throw up. She finally agreed with me. Dubs closed because they lost money. I can't imagine why.

Posted by: BWeaves at December 11, 2009 9:14 AM

Just fucking shoot me now.

Posted by: Woody at December 11, 2009 9:28 AM

More and more I am convinced that what the world needs now is Skynet.

Posted by: TylerDFC at December 11, 2009 9:29 AM

At least it features a bunch of man-whores competing instead of women. Fascinating twist. The conveyor belt is a classy touch.

BWeaves, that Dubs thing sounds like something out of a nightmare. People are getting so fat and lazy now that they can't even waddle through a buffet line past the vats of food?

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 11, 2009 9:45 AM

Wow.

So this Murdertank thing: it does really exist right? It is parked in some secret bunker and fueled up and read to go?

I mean, I was happy to go along with the joke as much as anyone but that....yeah. I need a stiff drink and a flamethrower after that. If it doesn't exist, I suggest we all watch the last episode of "The Colony" for some ideas.

At least it features a bunch of man-whores competing instead of women.

Well, you know, except for the part when two women like the same guy, then it is right back to the usual.

Also, question for the ladies: do magic tricks really work as icebreakers? From what I've seen, small prestidigitation stuff was effective, but flashy overblown shit was not. Am I fairly accurate in this assertion?

Posted by: The Hands Team (formerly Vermillion) at December 11, 2009 9:53 AM

I assume that gays won't be included to preserve the sanctity of traditional conveyor belt values.

Posted by: clocker at December 11, 2009 9:54 AM

I assume that gays won't be included to preserve the sanctity of traditional conveyor belt values.

This. This right here.

Posted by: Jerce at December 11, 2009 10:00 AM

The only way Conveyor Belt of Love could be worse is if it was hosted by Jeff Dunham, George Lopez, and Jim Belushi.

Posted by: George at December 11, 2009 10:12 AM

What type of places do you hang out at, The Hands Team? Because if you've seen more than even one guy using magic tricks to hit on women, I need to be where you are. Unless they're just using the "remove my thumb" or "coin behind the ear" gags, which are lame. Flashy overblown shit would definitely not be effective, as it reeks of Trying Too Hard.

For guys having trouble breaking the ice, try this: "Hi. My name is (insert name here). I noticed you earlier and I'd like to get to know you better." Not all us women want to pick our men off conveyor belts. Or at least not until they find a way to clone Alan Rickman and mass produce him in a factory.

Posted by: DeadBessie at December 11, 2009 10:18 AM

I think I get it now. Some ABC exec is trying to get fired so he can work at Fox.

That, or Don Geiss's daughter is in charge at ABC too.

Posted by: Christian H. at December 11, 2009 10:26 AM

You mean ABC is now showing the NFL draft?

Posted by: PaddyDog at December 11, 2009 10:37 AM

This makes The Dating Game seem really classy.

Posted by: BWeaves at December 11, 2009 10:39 AM

Is there a furnace at the end of this conveyor belt? Or a rabid pack of feral babies? That would liven up this show.

Posted by: mrcreosote at December 11, 2009 10:55 AM

...and it was at that point of intercepting yet another errant broadcast from Earth that the Vogans finally decided that this planet was not worth saving from demolition to make room for the hyperspace bypass. (this is of course, impossible)

Posted by: bleujayone at December 11, 2009 11:12 AM

Is there a furnace at the end of this conveyor belt? Or a rabid pack of feral babies? That would liven up this show.

This I would watch. Regularly. Otherwise, no.

Posted by: Reba at December 11, 2009 11:48 AM

Years ago, when the whole reality TV thing really seemed to be picking up steam, I predicted that one day we'd have a show in which the contestants simply took a huge dump and the dump would then be rated on different factors such as texture, size, fragrance, etc and then you could call in to vote on the best one.

I know that's gross, but after I found out they were eating bugs and stuff on Survivor, I figured that would be the logical conclusion.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at December 11, 2009 12:02 PM

but.. but... but... the Vogons never really wanted to save earth. Isn't that why they took over the Guide?
I mean, apparently the planning charts and demolition orders had been on display for 50 (earth) years, right?
But as for the show, apparently networks have run out of ideas. They have to use Fox's strategy of program planning. I wouldn't be surprised if NBC and CBS have shows almost identical to this in the near future.

On a more somewhat random note, RESISTANCE IS USELESS! Hey, I could be Senior Shouting Officer.

Posted by: JohnnyThei at December 11, 2009 12:17 PM

Whores. The lot of em'. Desperate attention whores.

I can think of a far better method for date selection:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6eTTaY1a6M

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 11, 2009 12:42 PM

JohnnyThel, you're hired. Now get shouting some more. I like the rabid babies idea. I'd like to add rabid squirrels to the mix too.
SQUIRREL!

Posted by: trixie at December 11, 2009 12:44 PM

I would totally watch that. If there was a carney at the controls of the conveyor belt and a Yakkity Sax over dub.

Posted by: admin at December 11, 2009 9:07 AM

I'd watch this. For the carneys, of course. But watch out, they'll stab you if you try to make out with them. And, I suppose, some rabid animals/babies would be a nice touch, or we could just make the carneys rabid. Actually, this show is starting to sound appealing!

Posted by: Katers at December 11, 2009 12:58 PM

Yes, it looks terrible, but it could be worse. It could be FlashForward.

Posted by: welldressed at December 11, 2009 1:06 PM

Um, I'm pretty sure network TV (to the extent that phrase is even relevant anymore) hit its nadir with "More to Love." Or perhaps "Dating in the Dark." Or whatever the fuck any number of "dating" shows are called.

Men being judged by women while rolling by on a conveyor belt? Big deal. Although a more realistic judging of men by women would feature a printout of the men's bank balance and/or projected lifetime earnings.

Let me know when the reality show titled "The Most Dangerous Game" gets the greenlight. Because I will watch the shit out of that.

Posted by: Slash at December 11, 2009 1:12 PM

Animated contestant number 4 is a chubby chaser.

Posted by: Robert at December 11, 2009 1:23 PM

The only way Conveyor Belt of Love could be worse is if it was hosted by Jeff Dunham, George Lopez, and Jim Belushi.

Don't forget Carlos Mencia

Posted by: Even Stevens at December 11, 2009 2:04 PM

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Posted by: Jeni at December 11, 2009 2:05 PM

As bad as this is, I am glad it's men on the conveyor belt. Usually the most demeaning shows involve women making fools of themselves.

Posted by: Cindy at December 11, 2009 2:08 PM

I like fat guys.

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at December 11, 2009 2:10 PM

What I would like to see for this show is a short drop to an ascending escalator so that the contestants would fall down said "up escalator". Then have that drop into a pit of rabid baby squirrels. BWAHAHAHA

I would have to watch that show.

"HAHAHA. Those rabid baby squirrels are NUTS!"

Posted by: JohnnyThei at December 11, 2009 2:35 PM

"As bad as this is, I am glad it's men on the conveyor belt. Usually the most demeaning shows involve women making fools of themselves." - Cindy
-------

Cindy, I've gotta say, I think those women were doing a fine job of making fools of themselves by just sitting there.

Posted by: Lizzle at December 11, 2009 2:42 PM

Lindsey with an 'e', I believe the world would be a much better place if all major decisions had to be made in the style of Empress Nympho. These would include the appointment of new Supreme Court Justices, hosts of all major TV awards shows, and Nobel Prize winners in all categories. Just line up the possibilities and quickly whittle'm down on first sign alone, then see what they can do later that night. It better be some pretty fucking impressive Physics to win a Nobel Prize in that system.

Posted by: Robert at December 11, 2009 2:49 PM

This is like Hot or Not, only worse. It doesn't even have Lamas in it, for sobbing out loud.

See, I no longer wonder who would be on these shows. There are so many attention whores out there that reality TV will never die out.

What I wonder is, who would watch this? What, exactly, would be the audience for this?

Also, WHY?

Posted by: figgy at December 11, 2009 3:14 PM

Robert,
I concur my good man. And double-time-march should be a requirement for all prospective presidential candidates. I GUARANTEE a hot female president in the next election if so.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 11, 2009 3:47 PM

You've got a point there Lizzie.

Posted by: Cindy at December 11, 2009 8:56 PM

Would it be wrong to add a wrinkle to this show by secretly having half the male candidates infected with various social diseases?

"Becky, you picked Nelson...AND Chlamydia! It could have worse you could have picked Josh and Syphilis, and our contestants still haven't found the Secret Gonorrhea Carrier- good luck ladies!"

Posted by: bleujayone at December 11, 2009 10:40 PM

Bleu,

you made me fall out of my chair at Starbucks. I have chortles.

I've stopped really paying attention to reality TV. This started happening around the time I moved to NYC, and met a bunch of people who had either been on one, knew someone who had been on one, or saw NUMEROUS casting notices in the actor papers for reality TV.

If everyone knew this shit was fake, I'd be ok, but too many folks think this shit is real, and is also something to aspire to.

Posted by: Rowen at December 12, 2009 10:37 AM

Hah! As I suspected, this is an Endemol production, which means the Dutch are to blame. We already have this show in Holland, it's truly is the most awkward thing I have ever seen on TV.

Posted by: Mona at December 12, 2009 2:12 PM

Uhm... I don't really know what to think...

Posted by: instantempo at November 19, 2010 10:43 AM