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A Victory For Terrible Television

By | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (37)

twoandahalfmen.jpg

Here’s a good story to raise some bile tonight. And the tv won’t be giving you a lot of entertainment so you might as well sling some hate here.
Charlie Sheen, as we all know, is a terrible person with a terrible show. He was arrested for “alleged domestic violence” and those among us who believe in good television hoped it would be enough to knock Two and A Half Men off of the air, even if was only for a little while.
But, if 182 episodes of According to Jim taught us anything, it’s that shows like this will NEVER die. Charlie Sheen has managed to get arrested at an extremely fortuitous time and even if he doesn’t get out early for good behavior, he’ll be returning to filming on time for the next season.

And this isn’t the first time that the show avoided problems like this. Remember when Jon Cryer had death threats? And not just the meaningless ones from sites like this. I believe there was a woman involved? And lots and lots of crazy.

There have been seven seasons. What is it going to take to end this show? Silver Bullet? Destroy the Brain? Let’s get creative, comment section. Don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk.

(via Deadline)









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Comments

Well drugs haven't worked. STDs aren't working. Even a crazy marriage/divorce to a batshit-crazy Denise Richards had no effect.

Methinks we're going to have to hire Danny Trejo to finish off this monster.

Posted by: Fredo at June 2, 2010 6:07 PM

Someone needs to get hired to do post production for the show, then during the editing of the show insert a cut of the prophet Muhammad.

Posted by: Al Borland's Beard at June 2, 2010 6:23 PM

My solution: each of us writes the most inane, lowest-common-denominator sitcom pilot he or she can conjure, and then we send them all at once to any given network. Include a written release granting all rights to our creations to said networks, as well as a show bible mapping out "plots," "characters," and "arcs" for the entire first season. (Quotation marks are applied liberally.)

Two And A Half Men is trumped in the ratings, dies, and is essentially replaced by our much more popular, terrible, hydra-like spawn. What hath we wrought?

Posted by: DarthCorleone at June 2, 2010 6:25 PM

Charlie Sheen should become a priest. That will end the show for sure.

Posted by: Sofia at June 2, 2010 6:27 PM

I've already assigned Timothy Olyphant to kill Charlie.

Posted by: Nadine at June 2, 2010 6:32 PM

Well first we'll have to crash an airliner on an island. Then we'll have to play mind games with all of the survivors so we can decide which ones can be candidates....

Posted by: John W at June 2, 2010 6:39 PM

Yeah why don't we set him up with Stephen Baldwin and then Olyphant can shoot them both.

Posted by: peanut at June 2, 2010 6:41 PM

Peanut's pretty much got the whole plan nailed and I've talked to Olyphant.

We've wrapped this up nicely I think...
Drinks, any one?

Posted by: Nadine at June 2, 2010 6:48 PM

how is it even still called 2 and a 1/2 men... hasn't that stupid kid become a full man by now?

murdertank anyone?

Posted by: Tammers at June 2, 2010 6:52 PM

The kid will be 17 this year.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at June 2, 2010 7:00 PM

Sheen is running a ratio of about 50% penicillin so theres your half.
Nadine, mojitos at the bar?

Posted by: peanut at June 2, 2010 7:09 PM

I say we take off and nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Posted by: OscarTamerz at June 2, 2010 7:17 PM

WTF...first you tell me that Veronica Mars' hope for any sort of movie is over, and now you crush my goddamn spirit with your poop-covered stilettos by informing me that this fucking joke of a show is STILL on? WHO THE FUCK WATCHES THIS!?!?! WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME?!?!

Posted by: popejenn at June 2, 2010 7:31 PM

Oscar, that gets my vote.

Posted by: The Wanderer at June 2, 2010 7:32 PM

Have the movies taught us NOTHING? You can't kill the boggie man!

Posted by: Uncle JR at June 2, 2010 8:08 PM

Or the "boogie man". Oops.

Posted by: Uncle JR at June 2, 2010 8:14 PM

Sheen was already a priest. Back when he was cool. Three Musketeers anyone?
Nothing short of nuclear holocaust and the resulting zombie invasion will kill this. It'll be left with the roaches.

Posted by: Four Eyes at June 2, 2010 8:56 PM

I understand you can't kill the Boggle man. He just keeps making words and more words before that little egg timer runs out...

Oh, and as far as killing Two and a Half Men? Guest spot by Ted McGinleyas the wacky next door neighbor. Done and done.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at June 2, 2010 9:42 PM

Easy.

Step one: find a lawyer and form a corporation. I'm thinking Almalgamated Murdertank, LLC.

Step two: we each chip in twenty bucks so we can buy the show outright. All we need is a couple hundred million. I'll throw a bake sale.

Step three: Now that we're the owners, shutting down the show is too gentle a fate. We'll hold the actors to their contracts and make them film a series of humiliating scripts based entirely on comments from the EE. Eighth Season Premiere: In a hilariously unexpected twist, the panda rapes Charlie!

I might be a little drunk.

Posted by: marya at June 2, 2010 9:44 PM

I've already assigned Timothy Olyphant to kill Charlie.

You'll have to wait until I'm finished with Mr. Olyphant in my basement.

Then he can kill Charlie. And we'll all scream Groovy! when he's done.

Posted by: Kelly at June 2, 2010 9:48 PM

Add Kenu Revees to the cast. If that don't do it, try a silver bullet or throw the whole show into mount doom!

Posted by: Bob Gould at June 3, 2010 12:14 AM

Sorry about the spelling of Keanu Reeves,scoth has it's way with me!

Posted by: Bob Gould at June 3, 2010 12:22 AM

Sorry, scotch.

Posted by: Bob Gould at June 3, 2010 12:25 AM

The show cannot be destroyed, Oscar, son of the Grouch, by any nuclear weapons that we here possess. The show was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. The cast, crew, and creators must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence they came. One of you must do this.

Posted by: mimic91 at June 3, 2010 12:46 AM

Bob, I am sad I missed you drunk.

Please repeat later for my amusement?
Whats that?
No I dont care about your liver.
I'm a bitch like that.


Kelly, how you doin with Tim?
Remember we need him mobile so...ya know...take it easy-ish.
He doesn't need to be coherent or even emotionally sound...just able to hold a gun.

Peanuts, mojitos it is!

Posted by: Nadine at June 3, 2010 4:37 AM

Bob sounds like a fun drunk.

Posted by: snapnhiss at June 3, 2010 6:59 AM

Turn the fucking cast into a 2 and a half man human centipede!

Posted by: Uncle JR at June 3, 2010 7:35 AM

Gradually incorporate Robert Patrick & Annabeth Gish as replacement Men while phasing out Jon Cryer & Charlie Sheen. Bump Mitch Pileggi up to the opening credits.

Posted by: the new transported man at June 3, 2010 8:17 AM

Tell Charlie there's a hooker with blow in the building every time he's about to start a scene. He'll get distracted and/or run off to try finding her. Sometimes bring an actual hooker with blow to the set. Nothing will ever get filmed, show over.

Posted by: Katers at June 3, 2010 10:11 AM

Nadine, we are good to go. Mr. Olyphant is ready for killin' time. He's a little unsteady on his feet but give him a shot of Red Bull and a cigarette and he'll be back to normal in no time.

Posted by: Kelly at June 3, 2010 12:23 PM

Kelly...why is he crying? He will not STOP crying

Posted by: Nadine at June 3, 2010 3:46 PM

Good heavens, he's STILL crying? Tell him to man up, it wasn't THAT painful.

Posted by: Kelly at June 3, 2010 3:52 PM

I told him. He cried more and now he's gone non verbal.

Given his propensity for total stillness, this rocking backwards and forwards is as unsettling as hell

Posted by: Nadine at June 3, 2010 3:55 PM

Oh for the love of jeebus....

Send him on back to my basement. I'll fix 'em up and get him back to you good as new. It's gonna take a few days though.

Posted by: Kelly at June 3, 2010 5:06 PM

Unless Charlie Sheen eats one of those realy, realy cute babies from that realy, realy cute documentary about realy, realy cute babies or sets off a backpack nuke in Times square,I see no way to stop this hellish injustice! By the way, I like the show.

Posted by: Bob Gould at June 3, 2010 8:10 PM

Once again sorry. I hate to use the same gag again but I ment to say,really, really cute babies, not realy, realy, cute babies. It seems that when I drink,spelling is the first gate between the outside world and "Monkey boy" to fall. There are other gates, but the recounting of their utter failure under boozes onslaught is too terrible to recount!

Posted by: Bob Gould at June 3, 2010 9:18 PM

The Whisper Channel is coming soon...

(I

Posted by: maewest at June 3, 2010 9:56 PM