August 14, 2007 | Comments ()

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | August 14, 2007 |


Today’s round-up goes out to a particular subset of reader. I want to dedicate it to all of you who woke up on this glorious Tuesday, got out of bed, and felt thrilled to be alive. Were the birds chirping gleefully outside your window? Did you catch all the stops on the subway into work this morning, or miss all the red lights on your commute? Did your iPod shuffle play just the right tunes to put you in this terrific mood? Did you sit down and crank up your computer with a smile on your face? Is your coffee just a little warmer today than on most? Are you feeling giddy? Are you singing Travis Tritt’s “It’s a Great Day to Be Alive,” in your office or cubicle?

Well, fuck you. The rest of us are miserable, and there’s no goddamn reason in the world it should be any different for you. So, guess what, asshole? The G.I. Joe movie is on the fast track. How do those birds sound now? Pretty fucking obnoxious, right? Sure, we’ve speculated about the possibility of a G.I. Joe in the past, but it’s for real now, motherfuckers. And it’s got a director: Stephen Somners, who dazzled and impressed you with The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, and the eye-popping clusterfuck,Van Helsing. And though it hasn’t been confirmed, rumor says that Mark Wahlberg will take the lead as Duke. Destro and Cobra will also make appearances in the film, which will be a hybrid origins story and straight-up G.I. Joe actioner. And even worse than a G.I. Joe movie will be the avalanche of Hasbro/Fisher Price/Parker Brothers shit that will be crammed down your gullet over the next few years if this movie succeeds. And, after that? Well, cereal cartoon characters seem to be the natural progression. So, look forward to Toucan Sam and the Loopy Fruits as well as Sonny the Cuckoo Bird Does Dallas in 2011. Can you taste the excitement?

Oh, are you still in a decent mood? Well, we can’t have that, can we? Here’s this: Lost Boys 2: Bamsuckitfeeltheburnouch. Yeah. That’s what I thought. And contrary to what they’re saying on “The Two Coreys,” both Corey Feldman and Corey Haim will be making cameo appearances, as will Jamison Newlander (Alan Frog in the original). But that’s not the best part. Uh huh. It gets sooo much better. Guess who is playing the lead vampire in Lost Boys 2: The Tribe? Angus Sutherland, y’all. Yeah. That’s right. Kiefer’s half-brother. Hoo-wah. Awesome stunt casting. Oh, and “The O.C.’s” Autumn Reeser (Taylor) will star, as well. Welcome to Santa Carla, bitch.

And it occurs to me that the outrageous joy of that second item might’ve actually brightened your spirits. And we can’t have that, damnit. That’s why I’m happy to report that Forest Whitaker — primed to capitalize on his worthy Oscar win — has taken a role in the ensemble film, Powder Blue. The film is about four folks who — by “chance, tragedy, and divine intervention” — meet at a bar on Christmas Eve. Whitaker will play a suicidal ex-priest who shares a special bond with a transsexual prostitute(!) because that’s just how Oscar winners roll, y’all. Ray Liotta will play a former mafia member, and Jessica Biel will — of course — play the stripper. But, not to be outdone by that ace piece of casting, Patrick Swayze has also been brought it to play the stripper’s bartender boss, clearly reprising his Road House character. Whitaker is also producing. Miserable yet?

Out on DVD this week, not a lot to cheer you up: Fracture, The Lookout, Vacancy, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters for DVD, and Wild Hogs.

I know from our list of the Generation’s Best Books (as voted by our readers) that a ton of y’all are fans of Phillip Pullman’s His Dark Materials trilogy, and I’m sure that just as many of you are wary of the big-screen adaptation of the first novel in the trilogy, The Golden Compass. Unfortunately, the trailer here doesn’t really dispel those fears. But, then again, neither does it dash one’s hopes, unless you just loathe Nicole Kidman, who actually looks fun here as a villainess. Parts of the trailer look great — and Sam Elliot and Daniel Craig help immensely — but, the girl (Dakota Blue Richards) looks miscast and the polar bear looks positively Zemeckian. And why do I get the feeling that all of the religious subtext will be removed?

Now, go weep into your Cheerios like the rest of us.

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G.I. Joe -- A Real American Pajiba (G.I. Joe is There)

The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | August 14, 2007 | Comments ()



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