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Some Sh*t Done Blow'd Up, Y'all

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Trade News | Comments (31)

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I know far too many of you are prone to giving in to the ridiculous, bloated, overhyped, brain-torturing, senses-blasting, flag-waving excrement fire piles that are Michael Bay films. I don’t get it, except for Bad Boys, which is just flat-fucking-out. The rest of Bay’s oeuvre, however, makes my capillaries throb. Why bother with a storyline when you can just blow shit up? If it were just the explosions, though, I could cope. It’s the heavy-handed, faux-profound, red-state profundity that makes me want to crawl up in my own ass to avoid sight of his films. Yeah: I know. Mindless escapism and all. But if you’re going to give us mindless escapism, at least shove a shotgun up a guy’s ass, right? Do something besides blow up something big and then make out on top of the rubble.

Anyway, this here video — put together by THR — is for those of you who just like the kaboom, hold the vegetables. It’s a tribute to Michael Bay, and by “tribute,” I mean: A series of loud explosions. And you know what? It’s the end of the day. It’s probably exactly what you need. So grab some ibuprofen and crank up the speakers (it’s OK, our audio ads have been pulled, at least temporarily). Sit back and feel your brain leak from your ears:










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Comments

I think I'll go put Armageddon in now.

And I'm not apologizing for it, either. So there.

Posted by: lizzieborden at April 20, 2009 8:42 PM

Hey gang! Michael Bay here.

*wipes off a tear of joy*

It's just so beautiful.

Michael Bay signing off.

Posted by: Michael Bay at April 20, 2009 8:55 PM

One of my all-time favorite movie moments is when that tram spontaneously BURSTS INTO FLAME during 'The Rock'. FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

It is a thing of utter mindlessness and it's just so hilarious and perfect and I LOVE IT.

So there.

Posted by: figgy at April 20, 2009 8:58 PM

I wonder if any of his toys survived his childhood, let alone small wildlife around his home. Based on his adult career, I have to believe that most of them met their demise tied to an M-80.

Posted by: branded at April 20, 2009 9:01 PM

Well, he does demand that everything be AWESOME.

I admit it, I love that ad.

Posted by: TK at April 20, 2009 9:08 PM

My all-time favorite moment of Armageddon is when Liv Tyler puts her hand on the TV screen and her hand COVERS THE WHOLE FUCKING SCREEN. SHE PALMED THE TV SCREEN.

Posted by: stardust savant at April 20, 2009 9:29 PM

Whee! Stuff go boom!

Posted by: Cindy at April 20, 2009 9:39 PM

TK - I love that ad, too. I watch it whenever I need a pick me up.

Posted by: Kolby at April 20, 2009 9:47 PM

"My all-time favorite moment of Armageddon is when Liv Tyler puts her hand on the TV screen and her hand COVERS THE WHOLE FUCKING SCREEN. SHE PALMED THE TV SCREEN."

I could palm a TV screen*!

No, really, I am tremendously tall and I have large bear paw hands. Also, I am a pathological liar. A very tall liar. Who tells lies.

Tall tales, if you will (I'm so sorry, that was heinous and uncalled for).

*in Smurf village.

Posted by: Sarina at April 20, 2009 9:58 PM

Holy crap, I just learned something new about myself. I LOVE seeing shit get blowed up AND I love dramatic music that accompanies it! I really had no idea.

I had zero interest in seeing Transformers, but now I kinda' want to see it. Maybe a double feature with Bad Boys. Seriously, Bad Boys *is* awesome! "$100,000 for this car and you ain’t got no cupholders!?"

Posted by: Lainey at April 20, 2009 10:02 PM

A very tall liar. Who tells lies.

Tall tales, if you will

That was just bad enough for me to giggle my ass off!

Posted by: stardust savant at April 20, 2009 10:09 PM

As ashamed as I am, I really can't complain too much about Michael Bay. I don't even mind the whole patriotism stuff. It's as if Adam Sandler directed action movies; yeah, the movies are stupid, but you know what to expect, and maybe you'll get a little enjoyment out of it.

Don't feel guilty, even my father, who is a PhD nuclear engineer, and he loves these movies, even Pearl Harbor. Sometimes, we just want to shut down the old thinking machine for 2 and a half hours.

"Michael Bay, exactly what meets the eye."

Posted by: George at April 20, 2009 10:15 PM

Barely any explosions in that trailer if you ask me.

Posted by: grendel at April 20, 2009 10:18 PM

me. like. booms.

Posted by: gp at April 20, 2009 10:33 PM

Believe it or not, The Rock is actually one of my favorite films -- it may be relatively mindless entertainment, but with Nic Cage next to Sean Connery in the given narrative of the piece, I cannot help but love how self-consciously aware the film is of itself, more often than not. And I'm a film student who also worships Cassavetes.

Posted by: S. B. Prizzle at April 20, 2009 10:35 PM

The dynamite goes BOOM!

Posted by: figgy at April 20, 2009 11:06 PM

That hurt me to watch that. That hurt me in the soul. Although I have to agree with TK, the Verizon ad was pretty damn funny.

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at April 20, 2009 11:09 PM

Is is alright to like Michael Bay movies precisely because they're big flaming exloding piles of poo?

Posted by: dahlia6 at April 21, 2009 12:56 AM

exploding piles of poop. Drunk typing. Not for the, well, drunk.

Posted by: dahlia6 at April 21, 2009 1:00 AM

How could you put that picture there and not post a link to one of the funniest robot chicken skits ever?

Check it out: Michael Baysplosions!

Posted by: UncivilizedMike at April 21, 2009 2:31 AM

This very well may have already been stated in the comments, but I'm sure Mr. Bay is laughing all the way to the bank. The man is a capitalist, not an artist. It pays a tad better.

Posted by: Hunter at April 21, 2009 2:41 AM

Needs more explosions.

....

No, seriously, it needs more explosions. There were numerous moments within that 2 minutes and 38 seconds where things were not exploding. That's just wrong.

Posted by: MM at April 21, 2009 3:02 AM

My boyfriend and I went to Universal Studios this weekend and had a positively gigglerific time on the 'Disaster!' ride. Michael Bay is much more fun when played by Christopher Walken. I'm waiting for him to make 'Mutha Nature' for real, except that it will star Nicholas Cage instead of the Rock.

Posted by: Kris at April 21, 2009 3:03 AM

branded, so, Michael Bay was "Sid" from "Toy Story!" That makes perfect sense!!

You know, I can't complain about this. It was awesome...explosions, Sean Connery, Will Smith...just not enough Ewan.

Me like big booms...

Posted by: dammitjanet at April 21, 2009 9:04 AM

Seriously, I don't give a crap what people think of me on this site when I say this, but I love Michael Bay. He's not a creative genius and he's a shitty filmmaker, but I know exactly what I'm going to get. His movies are generally pretty gorgeous in one way or another, stuff blows up, some people are sassy and swear a lot, and some people die. It's like he's writing Hangover Theater just for me.

There, I said it. I appreciate Michael Bay.

Also, my wife goes apeshit for Pearl Harbor.

Posted by: Snath at April 21, 2009 10:08 AM

I am an effete, yuppie-ass liberal who reads the new yorker and enjoys pajiba. But for some inexplicable reason I adore Michael bay Movies precisely for the simple patriotism. I don't know why. I love america, but I realize that there are serious problems with it, and ordinarily I am not a huge "oh snap, let's fix our problems by invading someone" kinda guy--see GA. But whenever I watch transformers or the rock and see an elite group of navy seals blow something up for America, I get a happy. It is so satisfying to see us accomplish something concrete for a change, even if that victory is fucking up a CGI robot named megatron.

Posted by: "luker" the barbarian at April 21, 2009 10:37 AM

He's not a creative genius and he's a shitty filmmaker, but I know exactly what I'm going to get.

I think that it's absolutely fine for people to enjoy Bay movies provided that you like what you know you're going to inevitably get. The above could also apply to someone like Uwe Boll, but with Boll, I know that he's just gonna piss on my face. Problem is, I don't like golden showers.

Posted by: branded at April 21, 2009 10:53 AM

Inspiring. I hated Pearl Harbor, but I will never apologize for sqeee-ing like a girl when Starscream first showed up onscreen. The kid in me curled up in a happy ball down in my soul.

Stuff s'plodes? Yay.

Posted by: Sweetie Dahling at April 21, 2009 1:15 PM

I've never felt particularly strongly about Michael Bay. On the upside, he features lots of guns and explosions and shit, never mind the plot. The 10-year-old part of me loves that. He also gave Neelix a rather endearing role in The Island. The main gripe I have against him? Casting Scarlett Johannsen in The Island and a grand total of 0 seconds of nudity. Who gets frisky but keeps the bra on? I mean, really? Sure it had chases and fights and things going boom, but would a little toplessness hurt revenues or audience morale? I think not!

Posted by: lordhelmet at April 21, 2009 5:26 PM

I don't know when "Bad Rock Pearl Transformaggedon Harbor Boys II: Revenge of the Island" is coming out, but that shit looks fucking fantastic and I'll be the first in line to see it...

Posted by: MarcusArilius at April 21, 2009 6:09 PM

I AM LOVING ALL OF YOUR COMMENTS ON THIS THREAD! ESPECIALLY "LUKER"'S!!!! YOUR LAST LINE HAD ME LOL-ING...DARE I SAY I?...YOU HAD ME ROFLMAO-ING...

WHY AM I TYPING ALL IN CAPS? BECAUSE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT MICHAEL-MUTHA-AND-FATHA-EFFING-BAY EXPLOOOOOOOSIOOOOOONSSSSSSSSS!!!!

Posted by: HAHAHAHA at April 21, 2009 8:54 PM