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7 Things You Need to Know Today to Avoid Pop-Culture Atrophy

By Jodi Clager | Trade News | April 26, 2013 | Comments ()


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Guy Ritchie is directing the film adaptation of "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.," which stars Tom Cruise as Napoleon Solo. Now we have Armie "&" Hammer joining the cast as Russian Illya Kuryakin. This movie is going to have more giant teeth than any film before it, and that includes Cloverfield, all of the Godzillas, and Julia Roberts' entire filmography. I wonder which actress will be the less-than-convincing love interest for Cruise this time...

Television shows turn into movies and movies, alas, sometimes become television shows. For instance, MTV has ordered Scream be punched until it can be aired on the "music" channel in series form. Hell, Wes Craven has agreed to piss on the movies by directing the one hour pilot. SlashFilm suggests pulling an "American Horror Story" and making each season a self-contained story. I suggest that MTV stops.

James Ellroy is shopping L.A. Confidential around town, eager to turn it into a television series. I doubt MTV will touch this one, so I'm a smidge more optimistic. Obviously FX, AMC, and other cable channels now have the means to bring something like this to the small screen and do it well. Only time will tell if the second time is a charm, as this isn't the first attempt at a series. Kiefer Sutherland starred in that pilot, which was a turd.

Rounding out the trio of movies to television conversions is Johnny Mnemonic. That's right. The television attempt won't be based on the original short story by William Gibson, but on the forgettable 90's film version starring Keanu Reeves. Neat.
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FX is finally casting Guillermo del Toro's series "The Strain." They've snagged Corey Stoll ("House of Cards") to play lead Dr. Ephraim Goodweather. Dr. Goodweather is the head of the Center for Disease Control and must help save humanity when a vampire virus infects the population.

Julia Stiles and Scott Speedman have signed on to Spanish director Lluis Quilez's haunted house film Out of the Dark. Stephen Rea is also set to star in the story of a family, Stiles and Speedman, that moves to Colombia to take over the family business. They, along with their daughter, come to believe that the house they now live in is haunted. I'll guess that the daughter is the first to be creepy or notice things, possibly beginning with an "imaginary friend" that isn't imaginary. However, if Speedman has a beard? I AM ON BOARD.

I've saved the best worst for last. The Other Woman, starring Nickolaj Coster-Waldau, Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, and Kate Upton, has added another woman to the cast. Gird your loins, kids. It's Nicki Minaj.

Minaj will be Diaz's assistant at a law firm and will be playing Hollywood's Sassy Black Woman On Her Third Marriage. I'm not sure if it's worse that Nicki Minaj will be acting in a movie or that she's been cast in such a stereotypical and insulting role in a film full of white people. I'm sure you'll all be very forthcoming with your opinions on the matter.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • I'd be interested in seeing what FX does with 'The Strain.' Those were pretty decent books and a good adaptation would worth watching.

  • Buck Forty

    Guy Ritchie is directing the film adaptation of “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.,” starring Tom Cruise? What, JJ Abrahms wasn't available? If Tom is scooping up all the franchise acting roles, shouldn't JJ be scooping up all the franchise directing roles? Because that's how Hollywood works now, right?

  • e jerry powell

    Header photo has paralyzed me and now I'm drooling uncontrollably.

  • dizzylucy

    I think someone mixed up their Napoleons when casting Tom Cruise.

  • BWeaves

    Haha, so true. Armie Hammer is going to make Tom Cruise look even hobbitier than he already is. There aren't lifts big enough to for him to look eye to eye with Hammer.

  • googergieger

    Someone asked my favorite team, Mariah Carey or Nicki Minaj. To which most went with Carey but a few went with Minaj and said mostly cause she is hotter. Listen if you think Minaj is hotter than Carey, you're effin gayer than me. Cause that is just a sweet, sweet fantasy, baby. When I close my eyes, you come and you take me. Literally the only Mariah Carey song I know, but I'll sing the fucking hell out of it.

  • Robert

    Forget an American Horror Story approach. The Scream TV show should use a Freddy's Nightmares approach. Each episode is a self-contained horror story within the town connected to the Scream franchise.

  • I was going to go out tonight... Now I think I need to stay home and binge watch some Felicity.

  • toblerone

    Aren't they already doing LA Confidential series called Lost Angels?

    Coster-Waldau will still be the prettiest one in The Other Woman.

    Coster-Waldau > Mann > Upton > Diaz = Minaj.

    Thank you Mr. Cruise for ruining another franchise property.

  • Drake

    Indeed. Is there no Hollywood property that the stunted little man won't put his tiny foot into? Leave U.N.C.L.E. alone.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    What other franchise has he ruined? Mission Impossible? I genuinely enjoyed 3/4 of those movies.

  • toblerone

    Jack Reacher (if you're into that) + The upcoming Van Helsing Reboot.

    All You Need Is Kill is what bugs me the most (but Doug Liman is really more to blame).

  • Fabius_Maximus

    You can't ruin Van Helsing.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    Wait, what? There's a reboot of Van Helsing?! Why didn't anyone tell me this? That's wonderful news! When is this glorious event happening?

  • toblerone

    It's not a done deal yet, but stories first appeared in 2012. I assume it won't be released till 2014 at the earliest.

    Love the article headline:

    Tom Cruise To Star In Van Helsing Reboot With Kristen Stewart's Ex Lover At The Helm?

    http://www.entertainmentwise.c...

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    Ooh! Very exciting. If only they could cast KStew as well. It may sound like I'm being sarcastic, but I enjoyed the first Van Helsing. Never laughed so hard at a movie!

  • BlackRabbit

    I saw it for free, so I did too. Tears of relief. Time will tell if I also sob with joy at Man Of Steel.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    Valid points, both.

  • God Of Bal-Sagoth

    I'd rather watch an adaptation of "The Man From U.N.K.L.E," aka the full-length version of this:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

  • QueeferSutherland

    HBO or another pay-cable outlet could do some great work with Ellroy's LA Quartet. Start with Black Dhalia and end with White Jazz.

  • KV

    For a split second, I read it as "White Jizz." My mind sometimes works in a twisted way.

  • That'd be more appropriate for Cinemax.

  • Muhnah_Muhnah

    *Sigh*

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