6 Things You Must Know Today to Be an Informed Citizen of the Internet
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6 Things You Must Know Today to Be an Informed Citizen of the Internet

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | July 11, 2012 | Comments ()

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  • They're splitting the final book of the Hunger Games, Mockingjay, into two movies. Yay! Two movies! But wait? Mockingjay was the worst book of the trilogy, and the book less idea for splitting into two. It was already split into three sections. Are they going to end the movie halfway through the second section? Am I going to pay a $12 and receive zero satisfaction? Come on, Lionsgate. Why you gotta go there? And why do you have to make us wait a year in between installments? Why does everything have to be about money!

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  • A couple of weeks ago, we brought you news that the best cast show on network television added four more brilliant actors to their next season. Now, according to Vulture, "The Good Wife" had added a fifth: Amanda Peete "will play a military lawyer who sues a contract worker for an attempted sexual assault. She hires Alicia to instead represent her, and the two become fast friends." WILL THEY MAKE OUT?

  • What's the consensus around here on breastfeeding older kids? Like, three and four and five year old children? I'll tell you what your opinion is. Your opinion is: You don't give a shit. It's not your kid, it's not your body, and you're not the parent. If a Mom wants to nurse her kid until he's waiting for the bus to go to first grade, that's none of our goddamn concern. But the producers behind "Bridezillas" and "Dance Moms" want to make it your concern by making a reality show, "Extreme Parenting," that will focus on the "kooky" rituals of certain parents, specifically those that breastfeed their children into nursing homes. "Kooky" is as kooky does, assholes.

  • Tom Cruise CAN MOVE SHIT WITH HIS MIND. According to the latest "revelations," Tom Cruise has achieved the level of Scientology known as Operating Thetan. That means he can "move inanimate objects with their minds, leave [his body] at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behaviour of, both animals and human beings."

    I suppose that would explain his daring-doo on the set of Ghost Protocol. If he fell off the tallest building in the world, he could just MOVE THE GROUND CLOSER TO HIM. I guess he's still working out the kinks, however, because he was unable to control the behavior of Katie Holmes, unless that's how he got her to agree to a quick divorce settlement.

  • Do you want to see the new extended TV trailer for The Bourne Legacy? Does Gary Busey shit in the woods?

  • There will be a Scary Movie 5. The guy who directed Undercover Brother will direct it. According to The Wrap, Lindsay Lohan is in negotiations to appear. You have been warned.

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  • Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

    • Kballs

      Now I've had to see that Pettyfer gif twice in my life. Fuck you, Pajiba.

    • zeke_the_pig

      ...This is confusing. Why is this... What is this post... Have I traveled back in time? Am I sober?

    • Is that picture of Lawrence with a bra that nobody bothered to tell her had the lace shoved unsymetrically into one side?

    • Devil Child

      If it's not your concern that the most commonly sexuality part of the female body other than the hoo-ha will be stuck into a kids mouth at the point when they'll have memories of it until their miserable life is finally snuffed out, you either have the mental capacity of Glenn Beck, the ethical restraint of Glenn Beck, or you're a pedophile, like Glenn Beck.

    • Jezzer

      A kid that's still breastfeeding in kindergarten is probably going to be wearing diapers at graduation.

    • kirbyjay

      YES! That right there. The freak with the Kindergartener latched on to her booby strikes me as a pedophile. Harsh, I know but she is enjoying that shit more than the kid.
      Another thing that bothers me about breastfeeding children with teeth, we have to live in the same world as these spoiled rotten, self-entitled, self-esteem overloaded brats.
      Also, breastfeeding, spoiled rotten, self-entitled, self-esteem overloaded brats with teeth tend to bite.

    • winged chorus

      derring-do = brave or heroic actions

      daring-doo = adventurous poo

      I'm really sorry. I'm not a word fascist, I swear! But I just couldn't let it go.

      I hate myself now.

    • Uriah_Creep

      I’ll tell you what your opinion is. Your opinion is:

      You're not the Overlord of me, man.

    • zomgmouse

      Tom Cruise deserves a cookie wand.

    • AudioSuede

      Is it wrong that the attachment of the director of Undercover Brother makes me kinda want to see Scary Movie 5? It is, isn't it?


    • JRM

      I quite enjoyed Mockingjay(and yes, there is actually quite a bit of ground to cover) and really, I don't have any problem with the book being split into two films. As far as I'm concerned, a book being split into two films doesn't warrent getting my knickers in a twist over. I look forward to a new director's approach to a very dark, adventure. It also means more interaction between Jennifer Lawrence and Philip Seymour Hoffman and Woody Harrelson!!...it should be very entertaining and that's all I ask. As far as cash grabs are concerned I don't know if this fits the definition; are any interest rates being manipulated while no product is produced a la LIBOR?. Does Lionsgate want to make money?...well, sure just like everyone else does for a product worth producing.

    • hater from Siloam Springs

      and control the behaviour of, both animals and human beings"

      Except Katie and Suri, of course.

    • Pookie

      Nice going Holmes, now you can go do all the shit you wanted to do before you met Cruise, which was absolutely nothing. But hey, you're a single woman now and those roles that were going to Meryl Streep are now yours.

    • Jezzer

      I will judge the stupid things people do to their children until the cows come home. Just watch me.

    • Becca

      I've got to say, I was skeptical about The Bourne Legacy, (seeing as Matt Damon is not in it) but it actually looks pretty kickass in the trailer. Jeremy Renner is a good actor to replace Damon, at least. Besides, the Bourne movies are like crack cocaine to me, I'm going to see this movie even if it threatens to burn my eyes out.

    • DeistBrawler

      He's also going to adopt the Mission Impossible franchise from Cruise when he quits. Dude's going to become an action mega-star if you tack on The Avengers as well.

    • laylaness

      You know what? A 779-page book (I refuse to acknowledge the Epilogue still) ripe with plot and detail like Deathly Hallows needs to be split into 2 movies. Twilight? Hunger Games? Not so much. And I liked Hunger Games.

      Also, though I can't pass judgement on this epidemic of breastfeeding a kid until he goes off to college, I can have a reaction to it, which is to throw up in my mouth a little.

    • Maguita NYC

      "... which is to throw up in my mouth a little."
      This usually means your mama has not burped you properly!

    • laylaness

      Hmmm, that may be another one to add to the "talk about in therapy" list, along with "mom didn't breastfeed me".

    • Maguita NYC

      Don't forget to also discuss how breastfeeding and bottle-feeding both need baby to be burped.

    • There will be a Scary Movie 5...Lindsay Lohan is in negotiations to appear.

      So I guess they at least have enough money in their budget for crack.

    • hapl0

      I was hoping for the new Legacy trailer to not include the bullshit DNA bit but they actually made it worse.

    • GunNut2600

      HAHAHA Cruise is so fucking retarded. Now if you'll excuse me, I am off to my pseudo-cannabalistic ceremony dedicated to a dead Jew carpenter and pray for him to bring about the end of days.

    • Maguita NYC

      No masturbation GunNut. Sky-Daddy is watching!

    • Jezzer

      I’ll tell you what your opinion is."

      No, Googer II, you won't. It's my opinion.


    • Kip Hackman

      I will guilty-pleasure watch Scream 5. I will not let you make me ashamed.

    • I'm really looking forward to adding "Extreme Parenting" to the list of shows I will never watch.

    • zeke_the_pig

      'If he fell off the tallest building in the world, he could just MOVE THE GROUND CLOSER TO HIM.'
      I dunno... I've fallen off stuff before, and the ground moving closer to me is usually part of the problem.

    • BWeaves

      Actually, you're all right. You have a small gravitational pull, and the Earth has a larger gravitational pull. You're moving closer to each other. Fast.

    • zeke_the_pig

      I was gonna use my 4 years of an aborted astrophysics degree to contribute, but I figured the narcissism angle was better.

    • Maguita NYC

      Still doesn't explain how doors and street posts randomly jump in my way. All the f-cking time.

    • $27019454

      In my case its all the acid I dropped in college. Fuzzy Flashback Syndrome where you see a tree sort of melting out of the corner of your eye. Or the ground sort of throbs, but just for a second. Annoying as hell.

    • BWeaves

      Ah, well, that would be my husband's theory of the evilosity* of inanimate objects.

      *My husband knows the correct word here, but I'm suffering from CRAFT**.

      **CRAFT = Can't Remember A Fucking Thing.

    • Maguita NYC

      The "evilosity" of inanimate objects... All of a sudden, Chucky's Bride is making much more sense!

    • Az

      But when you fall, the ground does not move closer to you. Rather, you move closer to the ground. Hence the pain. Trust me, I have varied and extensive experience in falling.

    • zeke_the_pig

      Ah, you see, as an avowed narcissist, and occasional solipsist, I insist that the ground moves towards me.

    • zeke_the_pig

      'Does Gary Busey shit in the woods?'
      Gary Busey does not shit. He teleports waste matter to another dimension, where it coalesces and comes back to our world manifested as mental illness.

    • Maguita NYC

      Bourne Legacy looks... meh.

      Sure, a lot of bang-bang and high-action fast-moving tensions, but I'm not into short-temperamental control freaks. And that particular control freak's face is not good on HD.

      Its saving grace is definitely that delicious Ed Norton. Dude makes me sigh.

    • Brown

      "control the behaviour of, both animals and human beings"

      And yet can't bring Katie back.

    • Az

      In Tom's defense, it says nothing about robots.

    • Maguita NYC

      A clear indication that Katie is neither.
      Turns out, Katie IS the real Alien!!!

    • Maguita NYC

      posted twice.

    • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

      I can see Mockingjay in two parts. Don't get me wrong, I recognize it for the cash grab it is but I think that they could do a lot more with the story than Collins managed and that's a good thing. I also think that there's a natural break in the books before they ***SPOILERZ*** get to the capital.

    • AudioSuede

      I agree. An entire movie with the *SPOILERAMA* action sequence in the capital *END SPOILER* would be epic. Although I hope they keep the book's subdued ending. I seem to be the only person who thinks the last book had the most emotional complexity of the series, but the last few pages are gorgeous.

    • ed newman

      I agree. They have a real chance to improve on the book, something that is rarely even a remote possibility.

    • WestCoastPat

      Your sentence structure seems to imply that Amanda Peet is a brilliant actor. Please defend this.

    • Muhnah_Muhnah

      I think you're missing the vital part, which is that she's hot and will hopefully make out with Alicia (in our minds). Nothing else matters.

    • Fredo

      My opinion on the breastfeeding of kids past the age of 2: you're gonna screw your kid up, but it's your choice. You, as the parent, bear the cost and responsibility for screwing your kid up the way you choose to do so. So go right at it.

      I wouldn't want anyone telling me to not show my kid Star Wars or anime or enrolling him in the Pai Mei School of Kung Fu. (And I will).

    • TheMudshark

      Actually, the one who´s going to bear the cost is the kid.

      So, yeah, it´s none of my concern but my opinion of it is that it´s some kind of sick substitutional satisfaction on the mother´s part and certainly not in the kid´s best interest. It´s not about "what they do with their body", it´s about what they do with their kid´s mind.

    • Az

      I reserve the right to be squicked out by this whole breastfeeding/attachment parenting thing. However, this does not mean that I can condemn those who do it. Mock them, maybe. But condemn, not so much.

    • Grammar police

      You know what offends me more than breastfeeding big kids? Improper use of you're

    • TK

      That, and people who end sentences without punctuation. Fucking KILLS me.

    • pajiba

      GUH. Fixed.

    • BierceAmbrose

      Overlord needs a nap. Or a proofreader at least for the morning.

    • Maguita NYC

      "You don’t give a shit. It’s not your kid, it’s not your body, and you’re not the parent. "

      Exactly this! And I thought "Extreme Parenting" was already on TV: Dance Moms, all those dysfunctional kiddie "Beauty contests", anything that Stodden chick does with Peepaw, all of those Housewives shows, and please, let us not forget the Kardashians. If that does not speak of extreme parenting, i.e. kiddie prostitution, I don't know what else does.

    • Pajiba_Pragmatist

      I like that Maguita cleaned up the appalling grammar in her Dustin quote. Maguita is going to make a fine fit here in pajiba land.

    • Maguita NYC

      Here's hoping!

    • zeke_the_pig

      Don't. 1st rule of Pajiba: No Hope. Snark? Yes. Hope? No.

    • Maguita NYC

      You mean... A fellow commentator is nice to you, you're supposed to bite/snark????
      And here I thought I should ease you people in on my snarky ways. But PP was being kind, and that ol' catholic in me cannot be gratuitously and undeservedly snarky.

      I'm taking notes here @zeke, and will process properly throughout the lessons. On to Rule #2 if you please, professor.

    • Sara_Tonin00

      I thought being gratuitously and undeservedly snarky was one of the things we Catholics did best.

    • Maguita NYC

      @Sara_Tonin00:disqus That must be in the much revised and over-edited, Bible-Belt approved, Newest-New Testament.

      ... Which I haven't got the balls to order yet.

    • Sara_Tonin00

      C'mon now, Catholics aren't "Bible-Best" or into "Newest-New" anything. Even our "new" translation goes all old school. You a convert? ;)

    • Maguita NYC

      @Sara_Tonin00:disqus More of a disabused bullshit-intolerant church divorcee.

    • zeke_the_pig

      Rule #2: Never listen to another Pajiban barking rules at you. They're probably just making shit up as they go along :)
      Oh, no wait! I know! The only rule I've ever followed that's worked on here is: It Helps To Be Drunk.

    • Maguita NYC

      *Pouring a glass of "o.j".*
      Question: Some of my comments get posted, then deleted.
      Is Co$ at work here, flagging inappropriate use of Thetan theology?

    • mswas

      Rule #3 comment on all Cannonball Read posts. Mswas will love you for it.

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