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5 Things You Need to Know to Avoid the Brain Damage Associated with Minutia Withdrawal

By Dustin Rowles | Trade News | July 10, 2012 | Comments ()


One of the first things I do each morning after I wash my face with a frying pan, comb my hair with a wagon wheel, and make the kids' lunch is to stroll through the various trade news websites to pluck out magnificent stories to relay to our marvelous readers. You can kind of go to any one of them and find the same five stories: Headlines expanded into 300-word posts to appease the SEO Gods. Me? I like bullet points. It's the same information easily digested into brains softened by breakfast cereals.

  • According to THR, there will be an Independence Day 2 because, of course there will. For some reason, it took Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich's typewriter monkeys years to come up with the inspiration for the sequel, but they finally "feel we have a worthy concept, a worthy path to go." My only question? Will the White House be rebuilt between installments, and if so, will they blow it up again?

  • Per a report from the New York Post, Marvel is finally loosening its purse strings and is offering Scarlett Johannson $10 million per heaving, acrobatic breast to appear in The Avengers sequel, which will make her the richest actress in the world, in her heart. The actual wealthiest actress will remain Kristen Stewart. For reals, though: Johansson deserves every penny, inasmuch as anyone deserves obscene amounts of money for pretending to be someone else. Besides CGI-Hulk, Johansson was the best part of The Avengers.

  • Twitch is reporting that Wes Anderson -- coming off his second most successful film at the box office, Moonrise Kingdom -- is assembling the cast for his next film. Those potential names include Johnny Depp, Jude Law, Angela Lansbury, Owen Wilson, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Jeff Goldblum, Adrien Brody and Willem Dafoe. They'll probably all accept and work for scale because that's the power of Wes. Someone should compare his casts with Woody Allen's and determine which does the better job of attracting scale-paid talent.

  • Finally, did you know that they're still going ahead with the Wolverine sequel? But before you ask yourself why, here's some casting details for the congealing project: Will Yun Lee has been cast as Kenuichio Harada a.k.a. the Silver Samurai, according to Variety, and according to Coming Soon, Hiroyuki Sanada will play Shingen and Hal Yamanouchi will play Yashida. James Mangold (Knight & Day) is still directing, the movie will be filmed and set in Japan, and there's still a summer 2013 release date scheduled.

    Finally, this is not to be included among the five items. It's a BONUS because I love you all THAT much. Here's a very young Giancarlo Esposito ("Breaking Bad's" Gus Fring) hanging out with Big Bird on "Sesame Street." Not shown: After this clip was filmed, Esposito cut off Big Bird's head and used the meat to start up Los Pollos Hermanos, which is Spanish for Fried Big Bird.

    (Image via Reddit)

    The Hobbit Has a Zoomable Picture Thingie. Advertising Runs Out of Terms. | "True Blood" -- "Let's Boot And Rally": The World, It's Like, Wide Open To Us"

  • Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.

    Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

    • Besides CGI-Hulk, Johansson was the best part of The Avengers.

      What is WRONG with you? I can't even with that sentence. I just can't. I mean, she was fine. Just fine. But she ranks well below everything else that was awesome about that movie.

      1. Hulk
      2. Thor's arms
      3. Loki
      4. Thor's hair
      5. Captain America
      6. Thor's left thigh
      7. Clark Gregg fuck yeah
      8. Iron Man
      9. Thor's right thigh
      10. Samuel L Jackson
      11. Thor's voice
      12. Hawkeye
      13. That one shot of Thor's ass, yes it was there
      14. Scarlett Johansson
      15. Gwyneth's cut-offs

      I mean, COME ON.

    • Anne At Large

      I hate to quibble, but #13 should be at least in the top 5.

    • Long_Pig_Tailor

      That may be a camp, but it's for slave meth-manufacturing labor, not summer.

    • Mr_Zito

      The deputy likes dots.

    • Muhnah_Muhnah

      I'm still waiting for you to explain what the fuck is going on with that header picture. I don't care about anything else. It reminds me of that episode of BSG where Six kisses the other Six and I spent months wondering whether or not it was incestuous, and if so what does it say about me that I found it sexy...it was a dark time.

    • Wembley

      How much does Heidi Moneymaker (seriously), her stunt double, get for Avengers 2: The Avengening?

    • chanohack

      Who is she not making out with up there? Is she a twin? I approve.

    • annoyed

      Will Yun Lee has been cast as Kenuichio Harada a.k.a. the Silver Samurai?

      Couldn't they find a Japanese actor to play the Silver Samurai?

    • hapl0

      Besides CGI-Hulk, Johansson was the best part of The Avengers.

      b) Robert
      c) Chris
      d) Agent

      The only reason she was not horrible this time is because of the writing and even then I couldn't stand her.

    • stardust

      My thoughts exactly. But, I did think ScarJo was fine. Not great. Just fine.

    • L.O.V.E.

      "He whispered, 'Nice rack. Pass it on'."

    • Jezzer

      I hate Wes Anderson so much that I blame him entirely for I <3 Huckabees, even though he had nothing to do with it. It just seems like something he would be responsible for, damn him. >:(

    • lowercase_ryan

      the fuck was wrong with I heart huckabees? You're gd dead inside.

    • Jezzer

      Yes, I am dead inside. THAT PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE KILLED ME.

    • zeke_the_pig

      zeke also loved that film

    • lowercase_ryan

      YES!! we need a resident third person artist in Pajiba. Tag Zeke's it.

    • zeke_the_pig

      zeke can dig it

    • zeke_the_pig

      I'm reading this at 3:45pm, and it still took me four tries to look at that picture to realise what was going on, and then three more to realise that I wasn't dreaming.

    • "Johansson deserves every penny, inasmuch as anyone deserves obscene amounts of money for pretending to be someone else. Besides CGI-Hulk, Johansson was the best part of The Avengers."

      Um, no. DR, get to the coffee machine and find some sanity. So overrated, in every way: talent, looks, sexiness. I just can't be bothered by anything about her. The least awesome parts of the Avengers were: Chauturi, Nick Fury and what's-her-name (yeah, Pajibans are fond of Ms Smulders, but still), ScarJo/Black Widow. They tried, by giving her some strong scenes, but she just fades away....

    • mrcreosote

      so wait, is the header pic worth 40 million?

    • ,


      In my pants!*

      *--Been awhile, hasn't it?**

      **--Same with "Butthole."

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