That’s pretty much what you get out of the five minutes of Roland Emmerich’s 2012 that was released online on Friday. It’s ridiculous, over-the-top, completely chaotic, and strangely fun. You get to see John Cusack overact, and Los Angeles get smashed to bits, wrath-of-God style. It doesn’t have rivers of blood or fire raining from the sky, but it might as well. At least it doesn’t have shitty CGI wolves.
Anyway, here it is:
Yup. Shitballs retarded. The thing is, I know I’m going to end up seeing it. And I feel like, to make the experience even remotely worthwhile, I should see it in the theater, so at least I can get all the bloated, overdone racket on a big screen with deafening kaboomy sound. Because I don’t get enough kaboominess in my life, so I might as well get it from stupid Emmerich films.
Regardless, 2012 comes out November 13. Get ready. There will be poor writing, and chaos, and CGI up the wazoo. And, of course, kaboominess.
He'd be the perfect director for a live-action 'Gurren Lagaan'
If there's one guy who doesn't think having giant robots fling galaxies at each other while standing on the Milky Way is overkill, it's this guy.
Posted by: twig at October 5, 2009 10:05 AM
Do you want to know the only bad part of Zombieland? The trailers for New Moon and 2012. Packing that much dreck into such a short period of time almost emulsified my brain and caused it to run out of my nose.
I just don't know if I would be able to suspend belief long enough to actually watch all of 2012. LA is falling into the ocean at an astounding rate so lets hop in the car and drive to the airport? Bitch please. You've got no chance so you might as well get to fuckin'.
McCarthy nothing, Chiwetel Ejiofor is in this cinematic hemorrhoid.
I hope he got paid well.
Posted by: twig at October 5, 2009 10:34 AM
Can't watch this on my work comp - but based on the trailers I've seen on TV, I'm a bit confused...
Plane takes off - gotcha
Ground collapses - still with ya
Plane flies in and out of and under falling road debris - uh, what? Did they take off from the center of the earth?
Posted by: Kiko at October 5, 2009 10:45 AM
I think if you look up "Shitballs retarded" on wikipedia, there should be a picture of Roland Emmerich’s 2012.
Here's what I never get about these disaster movies. Los Angeles basically implodes right before our eyes. There's over 3 million people living in LA. Watching this scene it's like 9/11 times 100 (that's right, 91,100). Buildings are falling, millions are presumably dying horrific deaths, and I'm supposed to give a shit about John Cusak, his ex, and their shitty kid getting out of the city alive? Fuck them, we've got bigger problems here.
Oh yeah, and that footage sucked. It looked like a crappy ride at Universal Studios with chunks of cheap plastic scenery faux-falling at you as your cart jerkily careens down the tracks and smoke machine nosily hoses you down with carcinogens.
Will I see it? Five years from now I'll be channel surfing and notice that it's on TBS for the dozenth time that week. Then I will move on, because there has to be something better on, even if it is a travel channel food program.
This isn't even trying to be good.
Posted by: Yossarian at October 5, 2009 10:55 AM
Saw this before "Zombieland". On the big screen with 40 speakers pointed at your head it's pretty freaking cool looking. Will the movie be good? No. However it looks so huge it's pretty much a can't miss in the theater. It looks so serious, I'm pretty sure its going to be unintentionally hilarious.
I saw this trailer before Zombieland and it was boring. It reminds me of Deep Impact and I am not making that mistake again.
Posted by: kerimcan at October 5, 2009 11:13 AM
Saw this trailer before Zombieland on Saturday and was completely mesmerized. I was also stoned. Don't know if those two things are related.
Posted by: Michellery at October 5, 2009 11:22 AM
Surely after watching that I have no need to see the film? Because that is clearly going to be the best part.
Posted by: Temet Nosce at October 5, 2009 11:48 AM
The trailers i'd seen looking decent to pretty good. but that......it was just atrocious. I mean it was kinda pretty to look at. but the acting, dialog, music, and the simple retardation of everything.....I really hope my girlfriend doesn't make me watch this one.
Posted by: Randy at October 5, 2009 11:54 AM
"So with no evacuation...Let California fall into the fucking ocean"
Yeah I watched the clip and now I have that song stuck in my head. I now need to find my Rancid/NOFX split disc CD.
Also, wow...this movie doesn't even look good. No CGI wolves?? Pssshhh, I'm out.
Posted by: ashes at October 5, 2009 12:12 PM
Is it wrong that the prospect of southern California falling into the ocean makes me giddy?
Also, what is Hollywood going to do for apocalypse porn ideas when 2012 comes and goes without a hitch?
Posted by: Jen at October 5, 2009 12:22 PM
This seems to be the cinematic equivalent of the deep fried Twinkie. It is disgustingly over the top and has no redeeming qualities at all, but you still eat it out of some sort of morbid curiosity. It is not good and will probably give you diabetes and/or heart disease.
Posted by: androstarr at October 5, 2009 12:22 PM
Fookin' movie geography stupidity. I watched the trailer without sound but I'm assuming that's supposed to be Los Angeles, and everyone who's traveled from LAX knows the runway points towards the ocean. You'd have to taxi a mile out of the way (and be a terminally bad pilot) to take off the other direction, back towards the city.
Which, by the way, is mostly flat out in that direction. No giant skyscrapers to fly between unless you're deliberately looking to fly into them.
Also the neat thing about an airplane is that it goes up, asshole. If you're not flying over the tall buildings within a few seconds of takeoff, then I have no sympathy for you, or your rat-faced wife, or your precious Hollywood-cute kidlets.
Posted by: Neodiogenes at October 5, 2009 12:23 PM
Plane takes off - gotcha
Ground collapses - still with ya
Plane flies in and out of and under falling road debris - uh, what? Did they take off from the center of the earth?
Posted by: Kiko at October 5, 2009 10:45 AM
-----------------------------------------------
EXACTLY!
that is one of the STUPIDEST scenes ever put on film.
/they stole it from TV's The Langoliers
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 5, 2009 12:24 PM
I love movies where I get to see modern landmarks get blasted to hell and breakfast. I can't help it! I'm not normally someone who enjoys watching people die, or someone who likes the idea of the earth exploding, but there is a scene where they destroy the White House with an aircraft carrier! AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER!! How can people not love that?
Posted by: ZombieNurse at October 5, 2009 2:00 PM
How the fuck does watching millions get smushed or fall or crushed to death somehow warrant a PG-13? That's a whole lotta dead bodies.
Roland Emmerich is a sick fuck.
Oh, and where's all this ground falling into? From my understand, uh, LA is built on solid ground, not a giant empty bubble.
Posted by: noah at October 5, 2009 2:13 PM
there is a scene where they destroy the White House with an aircraft carrier! AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER!!
I'm convinced that large portions of this screenplay were inspired by drunken dares from the writer's buddies. ("Dude, wanna see me write in a scene where an aircraft carrier falls on the White House?")
Either that or the manatees.
Posted by: Yossarian at October 5, 2009 2:50 PM
You know what'll get my ass into the theater to see this? Two words:
Fucking Aerosmith Ballad.
...
Yeah, technically it's three words, but I'm trying to make up for not swearing as much as I usually do over the past weekend. Catch you cuntfuckingbitchshitterpissybastardpoops later!
Posted by: Skitz at October 5, 2009 2:58 PM
Neodiogenes
You said it for me. How the fuck do they not just fly over all the shit going on. Can the plane only climb like two feet a minute or something.
"Yeah buddy, its cool and all that you have a pilots license, but I was totally rocking it just driving in the limo. I mean, you saw how there was no traffic in my way right? And how I managed to stay just ahead of the ground falling out from behind me? Yeah, fuck your two feet a minute climbing plane."
Posted by: DeistBrawler at October 5, 2009 3:45 PM
Sorry, I'm with TK. If it blows up, falls down, or generally disintegrates in some fashion, I'm there. Can't help myself.
Posted by: Smokin at October 5, 2009 4:43 PM
it's my birthday!! ... i used to think it was cool - a Rush album - but now everyone is going to forget it, what with the end of the world and all.... no cake for me in 2012...stupid mayans!!!!
of course for americans it's 12 21, not the same thing...maybe you'll all be saved because you don't do the date the right way round... ???
Posted by: mcbeany at October 5, 2009 5:02 PM
Learn to swim, Johnny.
Posted by: John Denver's Wingman at October 5, 2009 5:13 PM
That is the definition of a critic proof movie. Things go boom. Ahherrrr. Snort.
I'll probably see it.
Posted by: Squirrelgripper at October 5, 2009 5:25 PM
JDW, my thoughts exactly. What looked like an excuse for mass CGI destruction was in fact a sly tribute to the late Bill Hicks. Tool should have featured heavily through that scene.
Posted by: Squirrelgripper at October 5, 2009 5:29 PM
When the primary cast is in a boat/car/plane escaping certain doom by the seat of their pants, I DON'T feel suspense or a cliffhanger. I feel like it's a ride at an amusement park or a video game because we all know Cusack won't die until at least later on in the movie.
It negates the whole purpose of that scene because when it comes to the primary cast, there is no threat to their existence, just the rest of the no-name public (you and I).
Posted by: Recondite at October 5, 2009 6:18 PM
OMG.
I just got wet in the pants from watching that. I love disaster movies and I've been waiting for this one. If loving the fuck out of those five minutes makes me shitballs retarded then so be it. I love things that go boom.
Posted by: citizen_cris at October 5, 2009 6:23 PM
"Mommy, what's a continental shelf?"
"What's plate tectonics?"
"Don't worry about scientific facts, dear. Just watch the movie and be quiet."
Posted by: Recondite at October 5, 2009 6:30 PM
/fistpump
"Yeah, that's what you get! Fucking Sunday driver!"
Posted by: Recondite at October 5, 2009 6:36 PM
My thought exactly, Wingman, my thought exactly.
Posted by: FabMax at October 5, 2009 6:43 PM
I watched this with Van Halen blasting on my iPod. All in all, it makes for an awesome '80s video. A movie...not so much.
That is some damn unconvincing CGI. Stuff's so good these days you've gotta try to get it to look like that. And mercy, please, but I think I want to see it...
My birthday is December 22nd. I will never turn 25.
Posted by: coryo at October 5, 2009 9:20 PM
Fuck, John Cusack! What the fuck have you done to your career, you sellout? I LOVED YOU!!
Posted by: piedlourde at October 6, 2009 3:08 AM
Okay, correction -- they're flying from Santa Monica Airport. Makes more sense since they're in a small plane. However, SM Airport is also only about a mile and a half from the ocean -- and you know what's between you and that ocean? A fucking golf course. That's it.
So, no large buildings in that direction, unless you're the kind of pilot who wants to turn around and go jihad on some Hollywood maxi-pads sipping decaf gourmet lattes in some corporate tower while discussing how they can anally rape some precious childhood memory.
And who hasn't, now and then?
Especially if the world is coming to an end, I might as well get my revenge on Ron Howard for How the Grinch Stole Christmas while I can.
Posted by: Neodiogenes at October 6, 2009 9:01 PM
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He'd be the perfect director for a live-action 'Gurren Lagaan'
If there's one guy who doesn't think having giant robots fling galaxies at each other while standing on the Milky Way is overkill, it's this guy.