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The 2009 Academy Award Winners

Or Not. Does It Matter, Really? / Dustin Rowles

Trade News | February 19, 2009 | Comments (32)

Some jackass with a blog (apparently, anyone can have one these days) apparently got his hands on the list of Oscar winners, or else he decided to completely fabricate a list of Oscar winners and pass it off as a joke. I don’t know. Honestly, I don’t care. One of the biggest problems with the Academy Awards, besides the fact that they are a goddamn sham, is that they are also the last awards show of the season. So, by the time the end of February rolls around, and the winners are given their little award trinkets, you’ve already seen most of them give the same motherfucking speech seven times. Seriously: We all know Mickey Rourke is going to win. And no: We don’t want to hear about his fucking dogs again. Please go away, Mickey. The awards-show circuit has singlehandedly overexposed you.

Whatever: In a way, I suppose, it’s good that The Dark Knight wasn’t nominated — it hasn’t gotten another round of overexposure, like Slumdog Millionaire has. Great movie. Tired of hearing about it. I hope this list of supposed winners is wrong, and that The Curious Case of Benjamin Button racks up a lot of awards, so that the Academy can finally be exposed for what they are. Frauds. Shameless dicksuckies trying to find a way to give Brad and Angelina a new baby instead of a trophy this year. But then again, they didn’t shut down the whole production after Crash won, so apparently people are going to continue to give a shit about them. We live in a Paul Blart world, people. Just eat your jelly donuts and shut the fuck up.

And speaking of giving a shit: We’ll have another open thread on Sunday, so that you can all mock the proceedings. In the meantime, here are those supposed Oscar winners. Unless Richard Jenkins slips in, there is hardly a configuration of winners that the Academy could create that could be seen as a surprise, so who the fuck knows? Maybe we’ll get lucky’ maybe it’ll be like the Super Bowl. Two bland teams duking it out somehow made for one of the best games in Super Bowl history. Here’s hoping Robert Downey, Jr. cold cocks Anne Hathaway and Ledger rises from the dead just long enough to tell Sean Penn to get over himself.

Actor in a leading role: Mickey Rourke
Actor in a supporting role: Heath Ledger
Actress in a leading role: Kate Winslet
Actress in a supporting role: Amy Adams
Animated Feature Film: Wall-E
Art Direction: The Dark Knight
Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Costume Design: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Directing: Slumdog Millionaire
Documentary feature: Man on Wire
Documentary short: The Conscience of Nhem En
Film editing: Milk
Foreign language film: Departures
Makeup: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Music (Score): Defiance
Music (Song): Down to Earth (Wall-E)
Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Short film (animated): Presto
Short film (live action): Auf Der Strecke (On The Line)
Sound editing: Wall-E
Sound mixing: The Dark Knight
Visual effects: Iron Man
Writing (Adapted screenplay): The Reader
Writing (Original screenplay): In Bruges


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Comments

booooooring...

Posted by: joey weasel at February 19, 2009 5:24 PM

did Rourke get a Mack Truck grille facial or what?

GOD..DAMN.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at February 19, 2009 5:35 PM

We'll shall see on Sunday.

By the way, is Prisco back next week? Optimus Rhyme did a great job so I don't want to force him to read through 300 posts on the open thread.

I don't think it was a Mack Truck Slim. It looks more like he was tongue fucking a cheese grater during one of his benders.

Posted by: admin at February 19, 2009 5:50 PM

*We

Oui

Weewee

WiWi

Posted by: admin at February 19, 2009 5:52 PM

Prisco said he was off for a couple weeks but My contract was just for the one week.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at February 19, 2009 5:58 PM

I would believe it if they had anyone other than Amy Adams for supporting actress. There is just no way.

Posted by: dg at February 19, 2009 6:02 PM

he's the man!! always!! guess that's so many people I met on " Agelessmate.com " look up to him! work hard and surprisingly optimistic!! You rock!! hope you will win the fight!!LOL

Posted by: alish at February 19, 2009 6:04 PM

Oh there is ALWAYS a way! After all Gwyneth Paltrow won Best Actress instead of Cate Blanchett for the role of Viola in Shakespeare in Love. (That's my perpetual pet peeve.)

Posted by: Four Eyes at February 19, 2009 6:09 PM

The politics that goes into the nominations has always been more exciting than the sham of a show, and all us little people get to do is speculate which studio bribed the fuck out of the "academy."

Posted by: Oscar Lulz at February 19, 2009 6:15 PM

Isn't like... the security on the list of winners totally tight? This has got to be complete bullshit. And Amy Adams? Seriously? Does anyone honestly think she's better in that film than Viola Davis?

Posted by: whatBENwatches at February 19, 2009 6:28 PM

Mickey Rourke creeps my shit out.

I don't care about the Oscars, haven't watched them for years. Even if I didn't think they were a giant waste of time, Barbara Walters' association with them would have ruined it for me.

Posted by: Slash at February 19, 2009 6:59 PM

I am going to print off this list and cross check it while the Oscars are going on. Could make for a great drinking game: drink if the list is wrong, drink twice if it's right.

Posted by: Odnon at February 19, 2009 7:06 PM

Honestly, other than the Amy Adams part, I totally believe this list. Even if it isn't actually a leak, anyone with half a brain could accurately guess who's going to win this year.

By the way, in response to your comment about Crash being the proverbial end of the Academy, Dustin, I couldn't agree more. I used to watch the Oscars every year. The year Crash - the worst of the nominees - won, I stopped watching. Haven't seen a single ceremony since.

Posted by: vercordio at February 19, 2009 8:04 PM

Are those ALL of the nominees? That thing could be over in twelve minutes!

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 19, 2009 8:56 PM

I've seen all of the Best Picture Nominees, and I've come to the conclusion that no matter which film will win, people will hate it. Really, who gives a fuck that Titanic won all those awards, it had no competition. And obviously Benjamin Button is going to lose because the Academy realizes no one wants to see it win. You were wrong Dustin, and I was right. I will now mock you for the rest of the award season.

Benjamin Button is going to lose, accept it. It will only be remembered as the film that stole The Dark Knight's nomination, if that. You lost Dustin, the academy is run by fools, but they don't actually want to look stupid. That's why they usually pick something safe, that has almost no controversial material, and hasn't been mercilessly mocked by people on the TV, Internet, Newspapers, and Radio.

It was never destined to win like you wanted, but that doesn't matter because everyone will complain about Slumdog Millionaire after it wins too. I already know it, because it happens all the time. Now I no longer have to hate Benjamin Button, because it only sucks if it wins the awards. Slumdog will not suck after it wins, but everyone will say it does, I'm right again.

Just break the pattern, just because a film wins the awards doesn't mean it sucks. sometimes it had no competition, and sometimes hipster dickwads just want to shit on the parade of all gold holders because they like to root for the underdog. The academy doesn't give a film like Crash the gold every year, so accept your defeat, and learn to take the bad with the good.

You may have been right on Heroes Dustin, but this time the victory is mine. I laugh as you lay broken at my feet, and will continue to until I take the next wrong position. I hope you enjoyed your stay at the throne, because this shit is so nice to sit on.

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

You're probably right, George. But goddamn, kid. You're too young to be so jaded, although I wish there were more of you around when I was in high school. -- DR

Posted by: George at February 19, 2009 9:04 PM

"We'll have another open thread on Sunday"

Saturday too, don't forget. We have a deal. And I have questions that must be answered. And there's only a little sex involved this week.

Gracias.

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 19, 2009 9:19 PM

Big D, don't be so jaded! Some years, deserving films/actors do win. And maybe I'm the only one, but I'm completely rooting for the Mickster. I only just saw The Wrestler last weekend, and I was pleasantly surprised by both his performance and the film. Jenkins had a nice, quiet thing going, but he wasn't nearly as powerful.

Posted by: Cindy at February 19, 2009 9:34 PM

Mine too Four Eyes. That shit was a travesty.

Posted by: Cindy at February 19, 2009 9:36 PM

I'm really not sure why I am what I am. I really am 16 though. Lying about being 16 is a terrible idea in itself, so I wouldn't do that. I wonder when I'll make another failed prediction?

Although I bet you were just as bad as me in terms of jadedness, seeing as how you were a liberal with a recently out of the closet father back in the south. However, for your sake, I hope you weren't.

Posted by: George at February 19, 2009 10:26 PM

saw The Wrestler last weekend, and I was pleasantly surprised by both his performance and the film. Jenkins had a nice, quiet thing going, but he wasn't nearly as powerful.

Posted by: lawrence at February 19, 2009 10:35 PM

With those mug shots, Mickey is creeping into Nick Nolte territory. "Creep" being the operative word there.

As for watching this crap ... not while Drive-By Truckers are in my state. And even if they aren't. Fuck awards shows. I don't need to have my taste validated by people I'll never meet (except my Pajiblets, of course). How can something be so pretentious and so worthless at the same time?

Posted by: bucdaddy at February 19, 2009 11:53 PM

Aren't these the winners that Steven Colbert called? And Nate at 538.com (haven't checked it yet but I've heard roughly the same thing from him)?

What I'm trying to say is... yawn.

Posted by: M at February 19, 2009 11:58 PM

*sigh* and I was really hoping they would let a comedy win for once...fuckers!
RD JR reallllllly should get that!!

Posted by: Jeva at February 20, 2009 12:26 AM

Wow. Slumdog. Really? Way to pick the low hanging fruit if that turns out to be true. Right on Academy. Yawn.

I'm beginning to think I'm the only movie lover on here that honestly thinks Slumdog is overhyped and overrated.

Looking forward to seeing Mickey, Heath, and Kate all get some overdue credit.

Posted by: Be Adequite! at February 20, 2009 12:51 AM

Who cares about this?! Get those damn reviews up for Medea Goes to Jail and Fired Up! I can't wait to see which of the poor bastards at Pajiba were assigned to such anticipated fare. I'm expecting reviews that are....legendary. If you can't be scathing and bitchy about these two than its time to join the rest of us on the unemployment lines.

Posted by: ed newman at February 20, 2009 9:08 AM

*yawn*

Is it Friday yet? It is? Sweet! Now I can spend all weekend not thinking about this nonsensical bullshit and drink beer.

I hope Mickey Rourke anal rapes Hugh Jackman with a phallic golden man...

Posted by: Xtreme at February 20, 2009 9:23 AM

Posted by: Jeva at February 20, 2009 12:26 AM

No, he doesn't. I love RDJ as much as the rest of you lot, but Tropic Thunder deserves NO Oscars. As funny as he was in that movie, it feels like Oscar is just trying to say, "Hey, we're not so serious. We're so meta, we're going to nominate an award nominating actor playing an award nominating actor. MINDFREAK!" Basically, they're embracing the philosophy of their new Academy president, Diablo Cody. (I'm kidding, I'm kidding...they won't put her up for at LEAST another five years.)

Same thing goes for all the Slumdog hype. How long before we see those logo wifebeaters on the shelves of the Gap after the movie wins? As cool as the movie looks, I just think it's the Oscars trying to win the "Ethnic" vote. (Besides, if the Oscars wanted to really be "edgy" they would have nominated "28 Days Later" and given Danny Boyle an Oscar for that. At least I wouldn't have to see M.I.A. count the seconds until her 15 minutes are up.)

As for the rest, it really does seem predictable. That said, In Bruges better fucking win Best Original Screenplay. I love Wall-E and all, but McDonagh wrote an AMAZING script that deserves some sort of honor. Besides, it's getting Best Animated Picture, which really does seem like a bullshit category when your only competition is Bolt and Kung Fu Panda.

Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm going to screen Frost/Nixon with Richard Jenkins and think to myself, "I'm with the real winners, and that's all that matters."

Posted by: Mike R. at February 20, 2009 9:49 AM

GREAT Sean Penn comment, I hate the buy now because apparently he refuses to take any role that isn't complete shameless Oscar bait.

Posted by: Mr. Tusks at February 20, 2009 9:50 AM

Really, who gives a fuck that Titanic won all those awards, it had no competition.
Posted by: George at February 19, 2009 9:04 PM

Ever hear of a little independent flick called L.A. Confidential?

Posted by: Mike R. at February 20, 2009 9:54 AM

Slumdog will not suck after it wins, but everyone will say it does, I'm right again.

Now, now, George, that's so not true ... everybody's already saying that Slumdog sucks.

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at February 20, 2009 11:11 AM

I just hope Ms. Winslet's acceptance speech includes the line "That's why I did this, Schindler's bloody list".

Posted by: David McTaintwaffle at February 20, 2009 6:33 PM

A hot debate is taking place at ---Billionairepal.com--- now among hollywood celebrities and beaitiful people. Many guys said they were super-excited about it~

Posted by: lawrence at February 21, 2009 9:42 AM