I used to own a dog, a beagle — hyperactive as hell, serious thyroid problem, destroyed everything — and his name was Nemo. Most folks thought I named him after the captain in 20,000 Leagues under the Sea, but I’d never seen it or read it. The dog was actually named after one of the best goddamn books I ever read as a kid — Robert McCammon’s Boy’s Life (anyone else — what happened to McCammon?). Anyway, that’s my lousy way of introducing this item: McG (We Are Marshall, Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle, Waste of Carbon) has signed to direct a theatrical version of 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea: Captain Nemo, a remake/Nemo origins story, focusing on Nemo has he creates the Nautilus. The movie previously had Sam Raimi exploring the idea of directing it. The original 1954 movie, starring Kirk Douglas, apparently won three Oscars and made scads of money, though it’s most often remembered for the giant squid scene.
I don’t have much of an opinion to offer, except here’s an idea: Instead of a giant squid, perhaps we can convince McG to use a giant Godtopus.
And while we’re on the subject of adapting famous tales, D.J. Caruso is now attached to Jack the Giant Killer, an adult take on the “Jack and the Beanstalk” legend. The concept is kind of lousy, but here it is all the same, via Variety: “When a princess is kidnapped, a long-standing peace between men and giants becomes threatened, and a young farmer is given an opportunity to lead a dangerous expedition to the giant kingdom to rescue her.”
Doesn’t sound particularly adult to me. I like D.J. Caruso (Disturbia), Eagle Eye notwithstanding, but why do I get the feeling this is gonna be some weird, 300 version of Jack and the Beanstalk, although it does come from one of the writers of “Lost.” Oddly enough, I often chase lil Pajiba around while chanting the first two lines from the Giant’s refrain: ” Fee! Fie! Foe! Fum! I smell the blood of an Englishman” He gets a huge kick out of it. I’d never realized that the two subsequent lines are, “Be he ‘live, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.” I think I’ll go back to not remembering those lines, lest I traumatize the poor kid.
Those weren’t very interesting stories, so here’s an awesome trailer (slightly NSFW) to make amends — this is how all mornings should begin:
"When a princess is kidnapped, a long-standing peace between men and giants becomes threatened, and a young farmer is given an opportunity to lead a dangerous expedition to the giant kingdom to rescue her."
Shenanigans. They're obviously basing Jack the Giant Killer off of Giant Land aka the fourth world of Super Mario Bros. 3, and conveniently changed plumber to farmer to avoid the video game movie stigma.
Posted by: branded at January 8, 2009 8:53 AM
No one defines Generation Douchebag better than "mcG"
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 8, 2009 8:54 AM
I have treasured childhood memories of the Kirk Douglas film. He wore a bangin' blue and white striped sailor shirt. Very cool
Posted by: courtney 2 at January 8, 2009 8:56 AM
Well, I'm confused. Why would you want someone hunting Godtopus? But more importantly, who thought it was a good idea to let McG direct things?
Oh well. At least the Catholic School Girl video made me laugh.
Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 8, 2009 8:56 AM
I thought Catholics practiced abstinence? Those girls really are in trouble.
Posted by: Cindy at January 8, 2009 9:03 AM
anyone else -- what happened to McCammon?
You know, the same exact question dawned on me a few years ago. When I was in high school, I loved Robert McCammon. I read everything I could by him, "Swan Song",
"Baal", "Stinger", "Wolf's Hour", "They Thirst", "Mine", "Gone South", "Boy's Life" all of them.
While I am not sure how some of these novels would hold up nowadays, I still love them and a lot of the scenes and characters have long since stuck with me.
As for the original question... He's got a website. I guess he retired in 1999, came back in 2002, and currently has some book that he's looking to get published.
Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 8, 2009 9:06 AM
I used to watch the original version of 20,000 all the time with my dad. Thank you Hollywood for skull raping yet another pleasant memory from my from my fragile mind.
Next I expect that you'll be announcing Shia Ledouche as Captain Nemo, or Zack Efron as Deckard.
Bastards.
Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 9:09 AM
How big an asshat do you have to be, to go around calling yourself "mCg"? This is a 40 year old flabby assed white dude.
It just pisses me off to no end.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 8, 2009 9:12 AM
Good morning admin, good to see you up and about.
Posted by: Pookie at January 8, 2009 9:17 AM
So I went to IMDB to look up screenwriting details for this 20,000 Leagues thing to see which person would create an abysmally dull Nemo, and when I didn't find anything I went to go look up the trailer for '9' again because at least that looks different.
Instead I stumbled over the teaser trailer for '2012,' Emmerich's newest here-comes-the-new-one, same-as-the-old-one apocalypse fic, only notable because Chiwetel Ejiofor is once again NOT THE LEADING MAN LIKE HE SHOULD BE.
... I think they're actually getting worse at producing apocalyptic tidal waves. I figured they'd just cut and paste one from the last movie, but this one is some serious crap CG.
They're obviously basing Jack the Giant Killer off of Giant Land aka the fourth world of Super Mario Bros. 3
branded you'll see how right you are when the farmer tries to get to the princess and a chimpanzee starts throwing oil drums at him while he jumps up onto metal beams to avoid them. Everyone will think it's a political statement about the ineffectiveness that is (was) the Bush administration, but it will just confirm your theory.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 9:22 AM
flick. apocalypse flick, not fic. I am not awake.
Posted by: twig at January 8, 2009 9:22 AM
McG, my ass. Let's just riff on the awesomeness of Kentucky Fried Movie. That was one of the first newfangled videocassette-thingamabobs my parents bought back in the day. I haven't seen or thought about that movie in at least 25 years; thanks for the trip down memory mammary lane, Rowles.
Posted by: Che Grovera at January 8, 2009 9:23 AM
Dustin, my dad used to chant that every night as he came around to tuck us in bed for the night. He did actually say the "grind his bones" lines, too, but it was the 70s, and that wasn't considered child abuse then. I think I'm still reasonably well adjusted. Plus, right after that he'd check the closet and under the bed for monsters, spiders, and kittens, so we knew he wasn't really going to make bread out of us. Aww, now I feel all nostalgic and stuff. And yes, that is a tear in the corner of my eye. Ya wanna fight about it?
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 8, 2009 9:24 AM
Good morning BSlim, Forbiddendonut, Cindy, Jeremy, Courtney, branded.
Posted by: Pookie at January 8, 2009 9:29 AM
I thought Jack the Giant Killer was distinct as a fairy tale from Jack and the Beanstalk? Or a follow-on at least? And princess? What?
On second thoughts, why do I even care? It's going to be ass anyway.
Posted by: Shay at January 8, 2009 9:38 AM
Why would you want someone hunting Godtopus?
Because godtopus would fuck-strangle McG with two tentacles while giving him The Prostate Exam of the Apocalypse (is there any other kind?) with the other six.
Overlord, I think you're doing your kid a disservice by not educating him that there will in fact be giants chasing him throughout his life looking to make pastry out of him. It's a hard world.
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 8, 2009 9:40 AM
For some reason, your request of replacing the giant squid with Godtopus made my laugh out loud in my cubicle. Now everyone at work is giving me weird looks. Thanks, Dustin.
Posted by: HJ at January 8, 2009 9:40 AM
Che, twig, Kayanne, AvB, greetings to you all.
Posted by: Pookie at January 8, 2009 9:41 AM
HJ, Shay, rikkitikkitavi, morning.
Posted by: Pookie at January 8, 2009 9:46 AM
Oh, good morning to you, Pookie. I hope this day finds you well.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 8, 2009 9:53 AM
Good morning, Pooks!
Posted by: Jeremy Feist at January 8, 2009 9:55 AM
Happy Thursday Pookie. You seem uncommonly chipper this morning.
Posted by: HJ at January 8, 2009 9:55 AM
What the fuck, Pookie - did you by any chance go to sleep beside a giant plant pod last night?
Topic: McG=McWanker
Posted by: Tarn at January 8, 2009 9:57 AM
Awwww, good morning, Pooks! This fine welcome to everyone makes me feel like Pajiba may become an episode of Mister Roger's Neighborhood, and I'm ok with that.
Red cardigan's for everyone!
Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 10:02 AM
Did Dustin say it's strange how conversation turns to breasts recently, and then drops in Linda Chambers outta nowhere? "Slightly" NSFW? Cheeky bastard.
I guess I'd kinda like to watch some background on That Hated Nation, but.... Is it really colon subtitled like that, like "Wolverine"? What kid's gonna think "oh hell yeah, Jules Verne Origins!!!"? Well, actually, okay, about ten kids are gonna say that. Either way, you couldn't just leave it at "and now I'm ready to go sink some shit!" and fade out.
Yeah, there is really nothing wrong with James Mason's Nemo. You could definitely spookify it up more with current capabilities, and that I'd kinda like to see, but if they're thinking "well Star Trek's doing it!" then they're heading in a very bad direction.
Oh hey, unnecessary apostrophe, what the hell are you doing here?
Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 10:06 AM
Good day Pookie, your pleasant and welcoming demeanor has put me on edge. I keep looking over my shoulder even though I am the only one here.
Well played.
Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 10:15 AM
Thanks AvB I'm doing ok, its kinda cold here in Austin I'm still in bed with my laptop. I'm freezing girl, I'm not good in cold weather. As usual I woke up with boner, I might go check out this little Mexican restaurant for lunch and go see Gran Torino later. I'm not a coffee guy because it makes me piss like a race horse.
What are your favorite foods AvB, what are your likes and dislikes? Do you like Karate movies, are you a democrat or republican? I love going on cruises because I like the food, even though I'm now doing atkins and have been for a long time I cheat once and a while. I was sad that the dolphins lost, oh well I guess we will do better next season.
I'm watching Thomas Daschle confirmation hearing, I hope he gets in. I can't wait for SXSW it should get a great event. I don't hate dogs I'm really kinda afraid of dogs, I just have to get over my fear of them, I'm the same way with snakes. I'm thinking of upgrading to an I-Phone, they are so cool, I don't need one because the phone I have is just fine. I'm not really a slave to all the new gadgets that come out. One of these day I'm going to go to the Consumer Electronics show in Vegas, now that should be fun.
Posted by: Pookie at January 8, 2009 10:21 AM
Hold the phone, Sam Raimi was mentioned above, and well I realize he's not actually attached to this project, his name was mentioned, and no one has ripped on him yet? Well let me start. I sadly killed about 50,000 brain cells by watching part of 13-Fear Is Real last night. It's a reality show about 13 "contestants" who get "killed" one by one and have to do stupid "scary" stuff without peeing themselves. With Sam Raimi as a producer or some fucking thing. And it's worse than watching "Rock of Love" while sober. Can no one stop this man? And when does regular T.V. come back? Oh, the agony!
Posted by: Xtreme at January 8, 2009 10:23 AM
Mike R, admin, let's grab a conference room. I've caught remake fever and have an idea to pitch:
My font is bigger too Jay. Along with my breasts for some reason. Oh well, just makes it easier for both to be seen by coworkers looking over my shoulder.
Posted by: HJ at January 8, 2009 10:57 AM
That shit doesn't work branded, somebody call tech support.
Jay, I was wondering the same thing and figured I had accidently hit something to make it look like that. Not entirely sure how I feel about the new large font, but I know exactly how I feel about the random talking ad that plays when I'm not expecting it and it a) scares the piss outta' me and b) alerts others in my area that I'm maybe not working as hard as I could be...
Pookie, I really feel like I'm getting to know you! It's pretty darn chilly here in my office in Jersey right now too. I prefer spring, personally. Not too warm, not too cold.
Really, I just like food. Maybe you could be my Atkins coach, I should try that. I do like a small cup of coffee in the morning, though. Also, I'm the rare mix of dog AND cat person. I like every color, but I go through phases of liking some a little more. Right now I'm in a blues and greens phase. I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer; I know it makes me kind of dorky, but I do.
I don't like mushrooms. I don't really like roller skating, I'm not very coordinated. I don't like Office Depot. I'm not fond of fine-point pens, I prefer a nice medium-point. I'm afraid of Venus fly-traps, I always think they're going to get me.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 8, 2009 11:12 AM
AbB I think the real question on everyone's mind is if you woke up with a boner like Pookie did.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 11:25 AM
Dang, I meant AvB. Sorry, Ms. von Beaverplatz.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 11:27 AM
"an adult version of the 'Jack and the Beanstalk' legend ... Doesn't sound particularly adult to me"
Wait till you see what happens to Jack's stalk when the princess feeds him a couple magic blue "beans."
(What? Nobody else went there? I thought I knew you people.)
Posted by: bucdaddy at January 8, 2009 11:29 AM
No worries, Kayanne, I'll answer to nearly anything, as long as someone's paying me attention.
For the record, I did not awake with a boner today. I think it was too warm in my bedroom.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 8, 2009 11:33 AM
Pookie! I've been looking for you, my friend! I really like your style, how so often you seem like such an unassuming guy and then, when people least expect it, you wow them with your charming wit and your insight about interpersonal relationships!
Listen, a bunch of us get together every Sunday over at Westboro Baptist, and I was thinking maybe we could really use a guest sermon there, you know? Kinda liven things up a little bit, change of pace and all that. So if you wouldn't mind, we'd be glad to have you. You can pick a sermon topic -- any topic -- from this list:
1. God hates fags.
2. God hates fags.
3. God hates fags.
4. God hates fags.
5. God hates fags.
We'll expect you at 11. Oh, and there's a social hour after, so bring a covered dish!
Posted by: Fred_Phelps at January 8, 2009 11:37 AM
I'll take God hates fags for a thousand Alex!
Posted by: rikkitikkitavi at January 8, 2009 11:41 AM
MMmmmmmmm, I'm torn between #3 and #5...
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 8, 2009 11:45 AM
Listen Fred I've told you time and again to never contact me here at pajiba, you have my private email address and cell number. Thanks for outing me in front of my friends, thanks for nothing.
Posted by: Pookie at January 8, 2009 11:55 AM
For the record, I did not awake with a boner today. I think it was too warm in my bedroom.
Godtopus DAMMIT! AvB you were one word away from hilarious innuendoes galore, but you had to use the word "warm." *sigh* Are comments laden with immature euphemisms and naughty innuendoes to much to ask from you people?
I don't come to Pajiba for the insight, I just come.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 12:24 PM
I don't come to Pajiba for the insight, I just come.
In my pants.
Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 12:28 PM
In my pants.
Thank you, admin. I knew I could count on someone.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 12:37 PM
What a beautiful morning.
Posted by: figgy at January 8, 2009 12:50 PM
Thank you, admin. I knew I could count on someone.
In your pants.
Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 1:07 PM
Can "in your pants" be the new "you're welcome."
Or we could put them together... You know like... "Your pants are welcome," or "In you're welcome," "welcome pants." Ah who am I kidding, the first one I thought of was "You're welcome to, in your/i> pants." Ha, that sounded more like a drunken/awkward pick-up line than I thought it would. G'head, sound it out in your head.
Posted by: Kayanne at January 8, 2009 1:11 PM
Morning Pookie! (And, you know, everyone else). Though I feel compelled to mention that it's 7.05PM here right now...
Posted by: Shay at January 8, 2009 2:05 PM
Can "in your pants" be the new "you're welcome."
Absolutely!
Posted by: admin at January 8, 2009 2:11 PM
Anna von Beaverplatz: I love Buffy the Vampire Slayer; I know it makes me kind of dorky, but I do.
One never needs to apologize for loving Buffy, only for failing to do so.
Posted by: stipe42 at January 8, 2009 2:53 PM
Oh, stipe dear, I know it. Notice the words "I'm sorry" don't appear in that sentence...
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at January 8, 2009 3:18 PM
It seems the font's a goddamn IE thing, as there's no change on Firefox. Can this and every other site stop fucking with me on this? What'd we do to YOU? STOP FUCKING WITH MY BROWSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And here's me thinking my copy of IE had intuited the fact that I need new glasses, and had expanded the font to make things easier for me!
So, that's everybody else too, then?
Huh.
Back to the drawing-board, Microsoft.... But the next version had by-Godtopus be telepathic!
Posted by: Tarn at January 8, 2009 4:49 PM
I meant 'had better be telepathic!' of course.
*sigh* see what I mean?
Posted by: Tarn at January 8, 2009 4:50 PM
Some evidence points to Adsense being the culprit in some form or another, which of course would only enrage me further.
"When a princess is kidnapped, a long-standing peace between men and giants becomes threatened, and a young farmer is given an opportunity to lead a dangerous expedition to the giant kingdom to rescue her."
Shenanigans. They're obviously basing Jack the Giant Killer off of Giant Land aka the fourth world of Super Mario Bros. 3, and conveniently changed plumber to farmer to avoid the video game movie stigma.