I would call Shia LeBeouf a twat, but that would imply he had some depth or warmth. He is quickly rocketing to Sean Penn levels of asshattery with his bogus apology to Alec Baldwin, stemming from his punching a door and being booted from the Broadway play Orphans starring the two. Vulture reports that LeBeouf has now been replaced by Ben Foster, thus closing my Sean Penn loop and leaving Broadway much more handsome than it was before.
Anchorman: The Legend Continues has cast Ron Burgandy’s new nemesis. James Marsden will play the rival anchorman in the comedy sequel, set to release December 20th of this year. I actually think Marsden will fit in with the rest of the cast. Marsden is a funny dude and he can play assh*le well (see Sex Drive). I hope his mother is a saint and he knows how to dodge a machete.
Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles has cast…Megan Fox! Apparently Bay enjoys working with people that call him Hitler and Napoleon as long as they look good in very little clothing. Do you think….no. Well…maybe. Fox is…April O’Neil?? According to EVERYWHERE…she is April O’ Neil.
Leonardo DiCaprio said he was taking a break from movies, but he’s a lying liar who lies! DiCaprio will produce and most likely star in The Road Home, which is an adaptation of a novel that hasn’t even been released yet. Scott Cooper (Crazy Heart) has been tapped as writer and director for the story about a rancher who investigates a murder.
Ohhhhh boy! TK will have another Nicholas Sparks movie to review next year! The Longest Ride has its love-struck eyes set on a Valentine’s Day 2014 release date and will likely center around white people falling in love, one of them dying/having a disease/being pushed away because of socioeconomic differences, and then getting back together. Delights.
Neill Blomkamp (District 9) will be working on his third film, Chappie, before his second film, Elysium is released. Elysium is set in 2159. The classes of society are now only two: the wealthy who live on the ship Elysium and the poor who live on the overcrowded Earth. The poor want to sneak onto the paradise that is Elysium and Matt Damon is supposed to make sure that they don’t. Meanwhile, Chappie will be a sci-fi comedy.
Taylor Kitsch is looking to bring his special brand of box office poison to the thriller Exit 147. Kitsch would be a warped small town sheriff that picks up a man so that they can play a cruel game. Probably not Battleship.
Christian Slater is still getting movie roles, most recently in the Elmore Leonard adaptation Freaky Deaky. The film also stars Mustache Dad Billy Burke (Twilight), Crispin Glover, and Michael Jai White (Black Dynamite).
Adam Sandler was set to make a Western (Ridiculous 6) for Warner Bros., but Seth MacFarlane’s A Million Ways To Die In The West has caused him to change track. Instead, Sandler will be starring in a comedy about a blended family with the logline: “After a disastrous blind date, Jim and Lauren find themselves, each with their kids from a previous marriage, stuck together in a resort for families. Despite everything they can do to resist, the attraction grows between the two, and their kids benefit from the growing relationship.” Drew Barrymore is the frontrunner for Lauren. Puke.
Two words: Zombie Western. Two more words: Wesley Snipes. Gallowwalkers, much like its star, has been sitting for the last six years and is finally ready for release.
BONUS: New Iron Man 3 poster featuring Ben Kingsley.
Long time lurker, very rare commenter. I saw Freaky Deaky 2 years ago in a test screening. WORST MOVIE EVER. On so many levels, for so many reasons. Everybody who saw it, hated it. Unless they've made major major changes, I will be advising everybody I know to STAY FAR FAR AWAY. (Just one example of how messed up it was - the main character, Billy Burke's character, a detective in the SEX CRIMES unit, starts a relationship with a woman who was a victim and met him because he was the detective on her case. Like a week later. That's just one example of the how f*cked up this movie was).
Quatermain
The only reason I saw the first two Transformer movies is now apparently the only reason I have for seeing TMNT.
Also, Ben Kingsley looks waaay more like Huggy Bear in that poster than he does the Mandarin. The sort of Huggy Bear you'd see in a noir-ish, modern update version of Starsky and Hutch.
,
I can;t be the only guy who thinks Megan Fox is not attractive at all, though she tried way too goddam hard to be.
Haystacks
Eh, wasn't LaBeef a child actor? He never had a chance, really.
BWeaves
Ben Kingsley does whatever the fuck he wants and gets paid millions for it.
How do I get a job like that?
chanohack
So my sister and I went ahead and Nightmare-cast the rest of Non-Teenage Non-Mutant Still Ninja (?) Still Turtles (?) and here's what we came up with:
Taylor Kitsch as Leonardo. Justin Beiber as Donatello. Shia Labeouf as Michelangelo. John Malkovich as Raphael. Nicolas Cage as Splinter. Adam Sandler as KC Jones. Samuel L. Jackson as Shredder. Taylor Swift and the Twilight kids as the Foot Clan. Michael Strahan and Peyton Manning as Bebop and Rocksteady (or, if Manning isn't available, Kelly Ripa). Megan Fox also playing Krang. CGI Optimus Prime as the Technodrome. And Stan Lee as April's cameraman, because WHY NOT, it's not like they're sticking to the story.
Tinkerville
I want some of whatever Ben Kingsley is smoking in that poster.
yocean
So Ben Kingsley is Walter White ironically playing offensive Asian stereotype, but with shades? I don't know whether I should be intrigued or offended.
ViciousTrollop
I'm not seeing zombies, I'm seeing a douchey albino vampire. Still, GallowWalkers is an awesome name.
VonnegutSlut
The really sad thing is if they did TMNT like a Nolan Batman movie, they could cast someone like Jessica Chastain or Christina Hendricks circa "Firefly" and actually have an amazing, kick-ass April O'Neil. Yellow jumpsuit optional, of course.
P.S. The reason I have an enduring crush on Elias Koteas is because of Casey Jones in the original TMNT movie.
Shia Leboueffff stole Ben Fosters career despite lacking anything like as much character, personality and decorum. Also acting skill.
Mrs. Julien
I must have Ben Kingsley's Camo Chinoiserie ensemble for my very own.
Is it safe to assume that the villainous character he portrays began its life as some horrendously offensive racial stereotype?
Is it safe to assume Kingsley's beard will be full of scenery fragments for most of the movie? Actually, that question was rhetorical. The answer, of course and as always, is YES! YES! YES!
Jezzer
"Is it safe to assume that the villainous character he portrays began its life as some horrendously offensive racial stereotype?"
That is terribly cynical of you, Mrs. J. You should be ashamed.
Muhnah_Muhnah
Oh I see, in Iron Man 3, everyone will be on LSD. Cool.
Bert_McGurt
Well, alcoholism just isn't hip and sexy anymore I guess.
an enthusiastic woof, woof to ben foster replacing shia in anything. and everything.
bleujayone
You know they could always merge the productions of The Road Home and The Longest Ride. (The Longest Ride Home?) It could then be a movie about a rancher investigating the grizzly mercy killings of an aggravating on-again off-again, constantly bickering white couple. Mind you, he wouldn't be trying to find the killer to bring him to justice so much as to thank him for putting the kibosh on yet another insufferable Nicholas Sparks adaptation before audiences (specifically innocent spouses) could be subjected to it.
chanohack
Could be worse. Could be Lea Michele.
Blake
Is that really worse?
chanohack
I gave it some thought. One of my greatest adult hatreds in one of my greatest childhood loves? Yes, it's worse. The only thing worse would be her in the Wizard of Oz, and you KNOW she's totally going to be in the movie version of Wicked, and that's bad enough.
VonnegutSlut
The thought of that makes me all murdery--the movie should not exist without Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenoweth in the roles they originated.
OK, I dislike Lea Michelle as much as anyone, but you have to admit that she and Menzel look uncannily alike. Menzel even played her mom in Glee. And she can sing. So...I can see why they did it.
