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10 of Today's Trade News Headlines That Will Drive You To Drink

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Trade News | April 24, 2013 | Comments ()


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Some days of trade news aren't just vacant of anything worth talking about, they're actually filled with endless cavalcades of the most insipid and idiotic headlines imaginable. These are the days when your faith in mankind dies a little, if it had any breath left to it. Now I could leave it be, but it's a well known fact that people who say "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" aren't paid by the word.

'Idol' Panic: Secret Plot to Replace Mariah Carey With Jennifer Lopez Fails (Exclusive): I hope you all die in fire.

Katy Perry Files $6.5 Million Counterclaim Against Hair-Product Company: Yep, fire all around.

Tonight Show's' NYC Move To Save NBC $20 Million in Tax Credits: Why is California so selfish in its tax policies? This is why Los Angeles can't have nice things like their own "Law and Order."

Robert Redford: Great Britain 'Has Better Support for Arts' Than the U.S.: On another day I'd be willing to consider whether this is a nuanced and fair criticism. But today my reaction is to tell Redford to say hi to Gwyneth at their weekly pretentious twats club.

Mike Myers, Dana Carvey Set Aside 'Wayne's World' Feud at Academy Screening: Oh thank god our long national nightmare is over. Maybe their forgiveness and love can serve as an example to the Middle East.

NBC Orders 24-Hour Live Competition Series 'Million Second Quiz: Is all NBC programming now invented by the writer who came up with fake terrible shows on "30 Rock"?

Newt Gingrich, Stephanie Cutter, Romney Advisor Kevin Madden Eyed for 'Crossfire': Jon Stewart's gonna cut a bitch.

Sylvester Stallone Chooses Australian Director for 'Expendables 3': The real surprise is finding out that any of these movies actually had a director in the first place.

NBCU Gets County Permission to Begin $1.6 Billion 'Evolution Plan': I was momentarily interested because I thought they were trying to build genetic supermen. But it turns out to just be another fucking theme park.

Jenelle Evans Busted For Heroin, Craziest Teen Mom Scandal Ever?: [Stares for a very long time.] Well it's been fun guys, but that garden hose running from the exhaust pipe to the car window took a surprisingly long time to rig, so I'd hate to see it go to waste.




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • bleujayone

    "Newt Gingrich, Stephanie Cutter, Romney Advisor Kevin Madden Eyed for "Crossfire"....

    -Which will only work if they are also simultaneously pitted against one another on a paintball battlefield. Each panelist will only have 45 seconds to get their point across on each subject via headset mic/cam after which the other panelists can then begin spraying them with colored shots indicative of their political affiliations. Aside from the red for conservatives and blue for the liberals we also have green for those who say anything for the right amount of money (which oddly enough might cover everyone), brown for those who are just full of shit (ditto) and orange for those who are certifiably insane. Just for fun, random episodes will indeed feature a panelist from a local psychiatric institution just to see if viewers can spot any difference in the opinions. Panelists will incur 5 second penalties for every "fact" they're caught pulling from their asses and of course nobody will be allowed safety equipment such as visors or body armor. On this version of Crossfire, you stand by the consequences of your words good or bad.

  • Tom

    Mr. Wilson, what you reported were the dumbest stories I have ever heard. At no point in those rambling incoherent stories, did they even come close to what could be considered interesting. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.

  • ...because...the burning dog poop bag is... this round-up of news...and...the...house is..the....WORLD AND OUR COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS, I GET IT!
    DON'T ANSWER THE DOOR!

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