10 of Today's Trade News Headlines That Will Drive You To Drink
Some days of trade news aren't just vacant of anything worth talking about, they're actually filled with endless cavalcades of the most insipid and idiotic headlines imaginable. These are the days when your faith in mankind dies a little, if it had any breath left to it. Now I could leave it be, but it's a well known fact that people who say "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" aren't paid by the word.
'Idol' Panic: Secret Plot to Replace Mariah Carey With Jennifer Lopez Fails (Exclusive): I hope you all die in fire.
Katy Perry Files $6.5 Million Counterclaim Against Hair-Product Company: Yep, fire all around.
Tonight Show's' NYC Move To Save NBC $20 Million in Tax Credits: Why is California so selfish in its tax policies? This is why Los Angeles can't have nice things like their own "Law and Order."
Robert Redford: Great Britain 'Has Better Support for Arts' Than the U.S.: On another day I'd be willing to consider whether this is a nuanced and fair criticism. But today my reaction is to tell Redford to say hi to Gwyneth at their weekly pretentious twats club.
Mike Myers, Dana Carvey Set Aside 'Wayne's World' Feud at Academy Screening: Oh thank god our long national nightmare is over. Maybe their forgiveness and love can serve as an example to the Middle East.
NBC Orders 24-Hour Live Competition Series 'Million Second Quiz: Is all NBC programming now invented by the writer who came up with fake terrible shows on "30 Rock"?
Newt Gingrich, Stephanie Cutter, Romney Advisor Kevin Madden Eyed for 'Crossfire': Jon Stewart's gonna cut a bitch.
Sylvester Stallone Chooses Australian Director for 'Expendables 3': The real surprise is finding out that any of these movies actually had a director in the first place.
NBCU Gets County Permission to Begin $1.6 Billion 'Evolution Plan': I was momentarily interested because I thought they were trying to build genetic supermen. But it turns out to just be another fucking theme park.
Jenelle Evans Busted For Heroin, Craziest Teen Mom Scandal Ever?: [Stares for a very long time.] Well it's been fun guys, but that garden hose running from the exhaust pipe to the car window took a surprisingly long time to rig, so I'd hate to see it go to waste.