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You Look Like a Baby Prostitute: An Open Letter to TLC

By Courtney Enlow | Think Pieces | September 8, 2011 | Comments ()

By Courtney Enlow | Think Pieces | September 8, 2011 |


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TLC, you are fucking killing me here.

As you have no doubt heard, an episode of the TLC pedathon "Toddlers & Tiaras" featured a 3-year-old pageant kid dressing up like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Yes, that movie where she has sex for money. And, yes, it was the hooker costume from the beginning when she's still all "wiiiiiiild women do, and they don't regret iiiiiiiiiiitttt..."

According to TMZ, the mother defends her choices, saying her child "had no idea what she was dressed as anyway -- and the costume was 'less revealing than gymnastics wear and swimsuits.'" This lady sounds awful book smart. Let's read on.

Wendy says she dressed her daughter as the "classy" Julia Roberts from the end of the movie as well -- but TLC edited that part out.

Wendy says, "I'm raising my child just as well as any mother does ... I take my kid to church every week ... at least I'm not forcing them into sports and getting my child injured like some parents."

It should be noted that those classy bishes at TMZ had an article posted with the below title at one point today, then pulled it, presumably when the ghost of Hitler stopped giving Harvey Levin his daily backrubs and said, "Dude. Not Cool." As of the writing of this post, Google has not yet caught up.

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With that, I would like you all to leave the room for a moment while I have a word with TLC.

Dear TLC,

I remember not so long ago when you were a channel of actual proper learning. Science and what not. Then, you became little more than "A Wedding Story," "A Baby Story," some other "story" and a lot of home redecoration. And that was okay. You didn't need to be more or less than that. Sometimes you'd throw in a kid that looked like a tree or a morbidly obese teen in the name of science, and that was that. It was all well and good. You were The Discovery Channel's stupid sister and that was fine.

At some point, you got greedy. Also, you started hating the children.

Somewhere around Kate Gosselin, you may have lost focus. You decided it was a superb idea to just throw money at people, broadcast their children, ruining said children for fucking life (and don't you goddamn tell me otherwise. Kids who get put on TV at all end up fucked. Ones who get put on reality TV end up destroyed). And you just keep doing it, like it's okay.

Like it's not, in and of itself, child prostitution.

Oh, don't get me wrong. The child's mother is a skagging idiot who deserves to be hitch kicked in the jaw and have her kid handed to literally anyone else. But she's a dipshit hillbilly. You're not. You're making money off dipshit hillbillies. And that doesn't make you a skagging idiot. That makes you fucking evil.

Adults, stupid, fame-whoring adults, are allowed to do whatever they so choose, to be on whatever exploitative television program they so choose, opening themselves up to the derision of the world. It's the circle of TV life. But these kids? They didn't ask for that, and they're not able, legally or otherwise, to make that decision. So, you--along with their whoring asshole parents--shouldn't be allowed to make it for them.

In the meantime, I look forward to hearing back from you following my application to appear on "A Conception Story." Good day, sir.


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