Team Edward vs. Team Jacob
By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Think Pieces | Comments (115)
Ladies and gentlemen, let it be recognized that today’s debate concerns a subject of paramount importance in today’s cultural landscape. It concerns a topic that’s been on a lot of our minds lately. It’s something that seemingly all of us have wrestled with at one point or another over the last several years. For some, it’s simply a decision that cannot be made. For others, that decision has ripped apart friends and family, divided them into camps. Gnarled teeth, ripped hair, and blood-stained walls are not uncommon. It is to popular culture what the Middle East is to politics: The Greatest Debate of Our Modern Times. Nothing else matters. There is no world beyond it.
I speak, of course, of the epic saga between those who support Edward Cullen and those who support Jacob Black.
Today, we will present you with what I hope are two equally compelling arguments between the two camps. We cannot ultimately make the decision for you; we can only hope to inform and persuade. It is up to you to make the final determination.
We begin today’s debate with the argument on behalf of Edward Cullen.
Team Edward: It should come as no surprise to the readers, the judges, and the public, that we do hereby support a decision that would ultimately pair the vampire Edward Cullen and Bella Swan together for all of eternity.
Resolved: Edward Cullen is the more attractive person, exemplified by his messy wave of blond hair, his impeccable bone structure, and his piercing eyes, the color of topaz. He is slender and muscular. In Bella’s own words, he is “impossibly beautiful.”
Resolved: Edward cares more deeply for Bella, as he’s demonstrated time and again in his efforts to maintain a distance from her, knowing that his presence puts Bella in danger. His efforts, however, have been thwarted by Bella, whose clear passion and love for Edward transcend life itself. For Bella, a life without Edward is tantamount to no life at all. Recognizing this, Edward at one point fled the continent to further ensure Bella’s safety and attempted to extinguish his own life for her protection. Edward’s love for Bella is so profound that he would rather give up eternal life than risk her short, mortal existence.
Resolved: Edward is more suitable husband material, as he is better able to protect Bella. He does not need to sleep, so may stay awake at all hours tending to her needs and warding away threats. Further, he does not need to eat, therefore, in lean times, any and all foodstuffs he may collect will inure 100 percent to Bella. He and his family, moreover, are also very well off, and would be able to better afford Bella the wedding she deserves.
Resolved: Vampires are better than werewolves. As a vampire in the Twilight universe, Edward can run with expediency; he has a super-human strength; he has an impeccable sense of smell; and he can read other people’s thoughts. Moreover, Edward suffers none of the downside to traditional vampire mythology. He is unharmed by garlic, holy items or wooden stakes. He is also free to roam about in the daylight; in fact, in sunlight, his skin sparkles, adding to his impossible, Adonis-like beauty. Moreover, vampire movies are clearly better than werewolf movies, as is evidenced by Lost Boys, Nosferatu, Near Dark, An Interview With a Vampire and From Dusk til Dawn, among others.
Resolved: Edward’s forced abstinence policy is more in line with the nation’s religious and moral values.
A Rebuttal argument on behalf of Jacob Black
Team Jacob: We would counter that Team Edward has not met their prima facie burden in defense of Edward Cullen. They’re arguments lack legitimacy; they are specious, fallacious, and malicious.
Refuted: Edward is not the more attractive person. Jacob is clearly a more beautiful person, as exemplified by his 6’7 frame, his powerful musculature, his tidy hair — cut short out of love for Bella — his russet skin and dark eyes. His fur is also a lovely reddish-brown. Even conceding, however, that Jacob is only “sort of beautiful,” compared to “impossibly beautiful,” as Bella has characterized the two, we strongly feel that Jacob is nevertheless the appropriate choice. This is based, in part, on the hypnotic scent and seductive voice, which obscure Edward’s true nature and beauty.
Refuted: If Edward cared more deeply for Bella, he would never leave her. Jacob has resolved to be an everlasting presence, keeping a watchful eye on her. When Edward left, who was there to protect Bella from the vicious vampire in the woods? It was Jacob, who was forced to reveal his true werewolf identity to protect Bella. When Bella jumped off of a cliff into the ocean, who was there to save her from drowning? Jacob. When Bella is caught by the vampire Laurent alone in a clearing, who saved her? Jacob. Indeed, the only people that Edward has saved Bella from are the very people who Edward’s presence made a danger to Bella in the first place, namely his family and other vampires who would seek to harm Bella to spite Edward. Moreover, the very act of lovemaking does not create a predicament for Bella; she need not worry about being transformed or killed. Bella is free to fornicate with Jacob at her leisure. Additionally, breeding would not cause the complications that conceiving a child with Edward might, namely having a vampire newborn rip open her stomach in the labor process.
Resolved: Jacob has a better disposition than Edward. Edward is sullen, argumentative, and withdrawn. Jacon is cheery, happy, self-possessed, and adventurous, making him the more ideal life partner. Moreover, Jacob’s hunter/gatherer instincts are sharp, meaning also that Bella will never go hungry in his care. Additionally, Bella can share a meal with Jacob knowing that, afterwards, Jacob will not be forced to regurgitate the foodstuffs, as would Edward. Moreover, Jacob’s body temperature is 108.9 degrees, meaning he’s more capable of keeping Bella warm on a cold night.
Refuted: Vampires are not better than werewolves. Werewolves can change shape at will; they are also immortal; and they do not have to drink blood to sustain their existence. Moreover, vampires are smug femine type creatures, while werewolves are sensuous and masculine are feral love makers. Additionally, werewolves treat their mother well. Finally, we counter Team Edward’s flimy vampire movie choices with Ginger Snaps, Teen Wolf, Dog Soldiers and An American Werewolf in London.
Refuted: Mass abstinence would would lead to a worldwide crisis in mental health. Liberation breeds liberation. Sexual freedom is at the heart of democracy!
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Comments
Posted by: DarthCorleone at March 24, 2010 3:17 PM
I can't believe I read this.
(That's OK. I can't believe I wrote it. -- DR