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Is It OK for a Furiously Heterosexual Male to Have a Man Crush on Chris Pratt? Let's Investigate

By Dustin Rowles | Think Pieces | February 20, 2014 | Comments ()


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A reader sent me the following email this morning:

Dear Dustin —

Let me just preface this by saying that, I’m not gay. I’m married. I have three kids (a darling boy, and two adorable identical twin girls) and a wife that I’m madly in love with. However, recently I have been experiencing some confusing feelings toward Chris Pratt, who you know as Andy Dwyer in Parks and Recreation. I’ve always found Pratt to be funny in a harmless, goofy completely non-sexual kind of way. Yet, after seeing him in the Guardians of Galaxy trailer, my feelings began to shift from an appreciation for Pratt’s brand of comedy to something more … troubling.

I know that you used to battle this particular demon with Ryan Reynolds, and I was wondering if you could offer me any advice? Is it OK for a furiously heterosexual man to have a man crush on Chris Pratt?

Signed,

A Fan of Your Work

Thanks for the question, AFoYW, and congratulations on what sounds like a lovely family. In answer to your vexing conundrum, let us look at the criteria for an acceptable heterosexual man crush before making a determination. It is important to ask yourself three questions.

First of all, while it’s certainly acceptable to recognize and appreciate another man for how good looking, rugged, or handsome he might be, it’s important to make the distinction between wanting to be like another man, and wanting to fuck another man. If you fall into the latter category, you probably shouldn’t be calling yourself “furiously heterosexual,” not that there’s anything wrong with that. Like the Olympics, we’re all a little bit gay.

So, is Chris Pratt — or the persona created by Pratt in television and the movies — something with which you aspire? Would you like to be a well-built man with a charmingly goofy sense of humor, an easy-going attitude, and well situated face stubble? If so, Pratt meets the first criteria of an acceptable man crush (and wouldn’t we all want to be a guy like that?)

Did you know that Pratt is also deeply into hunting? I know, I know. It’s not something many of us on the liberal spectrum think highly of — shooting innocent animals for sport — but it does sound kind of sexy when it’s Chris Pratt, doesn’t it? Shirtless Pratt prowling through the forest on his stomach wielding a shotgun … shit, where was I?

Anyway, the second criteria in an acceptable man crush is whether or not he reflects well on you. For instance, you wouldn’t want to have a man crush on, say, Jared Leto or Shia LaBeouf, because that would make you kind of a douche. Likewise, you could, say, have a man crush on Kim Coates, but people might grow suspicious. A gay man could obviously be attracted to Kim Coates, but for a straight guy? That’s strange enough to at least suggest that you shouldn’t advertise such a man crush if you want to maintain your reputation as a “furiously heterosexual” man. In this case, however, Pratt, obviously, would reflect well on you. No one would question that man crush, because how could you not find him a little bit attractive? That’s not a gender thing. That’s a human thing.

The final criteria is determining whether a man crush is acceptable is, if you are in a relationship with a woman, asking yourself if that man crush is one someone your significant other could respect and be proud of? This is similar, but not quite the same as the second criteria. For instance, let’s say you had a man crush on Andy Samberg. He’s a perfectly fine candidate for a man crush, except for the final criteria, because you never want to put your wife in the position of having to say to a friend of hers, “My husband has a total man crush on Andy Samberg.” She wouldn’t be able to do that turning up her nose. No woman would respect an Andy Samberg man crush.

In this final regard, I believe that Chris Pratt also passes the test, although not in his role as Andy Dwyer. It’s important, in fact, that before you share this man crush with your wife or girlfriend that you first show her the trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy, otherwise, she might believe you have a man crush on this guy:

iiChrisPratt_Pa.jpg

Instead of this guy:

BgxPYJMCYAAcNAW.jpg-jpg

After all, man crushes are not about being attracted to what’s on the “inside” (that’s called a gay crush).

After seeing the Guardians of the Galaxy trailer, only then will she completely understand your man crush, and may even encourage it. After all, if it means that you might give up beer for six months and go to the gym every goddamn once in a while in order to be more like your man crush, she would also certainly benefit.

So, there’s your verdict: A Chris Pratt man-crush is OK!



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Timelover

    And Jared Leto is hot, you backwards dork. lol
    You're right with Shia Le JackRussell with ADHD

  • Timelover

    Only a straight guy would say that Kim Coates is attractive. Yuk he's fugly

  • annie

    I went from appreciating Pratt to horribly in crush with him, and I can pinpoint the exact moment it happened: On his and Anna's guest on Top Chef, and he described something as "umami-y."

  • Irina

    I read the headline and I thought "Man, if this is Dusting referring to himself as a furiously heterosexual male I'm gonna laugh till the end of December". I was spared that fate. Y'all can carry on now.

  • Ben

    As a hetrosexual male. Get fucked I would totally fuck Chris Pratt. I'm straight, not dead. Jesus christ just look at him.

  • e jerry powell

    I do look at him. Perhaps not as often as I look at Mandy Patinkin, but I do look.

  • I've been thinking that what Pajiba needs is Dustin to be our very own Dan Savage. This is AN OPPORTUNITY!

  • e jerry powell

    Mmmm.

    Nah.

    We're getting to a point in human history where one Dan Savage is almost one Dan Savage too many. Dan's level of ego involvement lately is verging on the messianic.

  • Bananapanda

    Clearly none of you are Top Chef fans. Chris Pratt and pregnant Anna Faris were adorable guests on a Seattle episode which focused on game meats. They're refreshingly adventurous eaters (I'm looking at you Vegan LA Actresses!!)

  • Davis

    'Man crush', 'girl crush', 'bromanace', 'selfie', 'twerk, 'shipping' are just some of these internet based words and phrases that need to be banished into the Phantom Zone.

    I just don't get them at all

  • e jerry powell

    Oh, I totally get bromance, especially with guys who like vagina but don't care so much for vagina-owners. I had a bromance with a straight guy just like that once. He had a lovely girlfriend, too, but he had very little appreciation for her past her lady bits because he didn't find her -- or women in general, and in so many words -- all that bright or intellectually stimulating. We would mostly spend afternoons watching Jeopardy, which would drive his girlfriend nuts because it made her feel inadequate and threatened.

    I think she may have actually heard him say that I gave him a huge cerebral erection. She didn't like that so much, going so far as to say that she knew she could compete with other women but felt especially inadequate compared to gay men.

    It made me sad. I think women deserve better.

    Homosocial versus homosexual can make for serious awkward. Particularly because I like women more than many straight men do, I just don't have sex with women.

  • Sirilicious

    It doesn't sound like your friend was that bright or intellectually stimulating himself. I doubt he's actually looking for intellectual stimulation. I think he'd like to talk to the wemenz about cars, football and beer and when he can't, he thinks they aren't smrt.

    I am only half condescending here. I can not believe an intellectual guy is unable to find intellectual women. Unless he's socially 'special', but your story doesn't reflect that.

  • e jerry powell

    As much as I'd like to think otherwise, you're probably right. I should probably also mention that while his girlfriend was a classically trained ballerina, at the time I met her, she was working as a stripper, her rationale being that she preferred stripping to slaving away for harsh ballet mistresses, dancing choreography that bored or irritated her. At the strip club, she could take off her clothes, sit at the end of the runway and flip the entire roomful of men the bird if she felt like it. We all find our empowerment in different ways.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I refer to men like this as "ball and chain guys". They have a wife and she serves her purpose and, you know, she's better than most, but she is still a woman after all. Not all of them are nasty about it either, but clearly on some level their wives are a bother. It's deeply entrenched casual sexism. I'm more befuddled by the women in these situations. Why would you marry someone who finds you inherently less and/or regards you with casual contempt? Often, the women go with, "Oh, him. He doesn't mean anything by it,", or, perhaps, feel the same way and are well-matched. In either case, it makes me INSANE.

  • e jerry powell

    Also, when it gets to the bromance place, I just wanna go all Sophie-Anne on it. There's got to be a point where two guys need to fuck or break up with each other. At least agree to see other bros some of the time.

  • e jerry powell

    Or, alas, there are those far too many girls who put up with it because they feel that a shit man is better than no man at all.

  • Sirilicious

    I think you deserve all the upvotes. Let me give them to you.

  • e jerry powell

    Death-grips on heterosexuality are not cute.

    Relax a little. Louis C.K. still hasn't sucked a dick yet, even if his Ewan McGregor man-crush has diminished.

  • The Pink Hulk

    I, for one, don't believe for a MINUTE that there is even one reader (or contributor) of this site who is furiously heterosexual. I'm not even sure that there are that many passive heterosexuals here. Queers, the whole lot of ya!

  • Kate at June

    heteroflexible

  • e jerry powell

    Don't you have to take yoga for that?

  • BlackRabbit

    I'm more of a lackadaisical heterosexual. Which explains my dating drought.

  • Quatermain

    Wouldn't that make you an apathetisexual?

  • BlackRabbit

    An ehtrosexual.

  • Quatermain

    A mehtrosexual?

  • emmalita

    Sometimes I'm furious about being heterosexual.

  • I am 96.5% heterosexual, which may be as close as a Pajiban gets. But I feel cheated in the limitations of my proclivities, so I'm sure that counts for (against?) me in skewing closer to the norm here.

  • AvaLehra

    I have always been an equal opportunity kind of gal.

  • Jim

    I'm reminded of the "Superman Cast" episode of Graham Norton with {sigh} Henry in a tux looking pretty while Graham said to Russell Crowe (paraphrase) "Russell, you're straight as an arrow but you know you probably would." Crowe's chuckle and lack of an answer spoke VOLUMES.

    I believe AFoYO is just in uber-bro-crush, he's like to hang WITH Pratt - not hang OFF him - because he's funny, charming, and possesses the inner strength to rework himself into a GOD. Hanging OFF Pratt should be left to professionals.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Didn't he go on to say that he was just jealous of how slim he was (paraphrase)? I remember Norton saying they should all take a moment to just stare at Henry, so I did.

  • Jim

    He may well have, Henry was on-screen (just right of centre) and well...

  • Mrs. Julien

    Your ellipsis perfectly summarizes what happens to me when I look at him, too.

  • JustOP

    Did you guys know that Chris Pratt starred in the almost-but-not-quite-softcoreporn movie Deep In The Valley? Indeed, I was quite shocked to stumble upon him in the midst of my...research, but it was an overall pleasant suprise. From what I remember, he works at a liquor store and is transported to an alternate dimension where everyone acts as if they are in a porn movie.

  • e jerry powell

    Welcome to my life. Except that all the people around me for about two years were actually in porn movies half the time.

  • Jim

    {Gasp} Driver, to the google and step on it!

  • BWeaves

    "...research" is my new favorite term.

  • mswas

    If AFoYW is furiously heterosexual, I think we've come to the crux of the matter.

    .

    .

    Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  • BWeaves

    I've always been fond of the term "flaming heterosexual."

  • ZizoAH

    If I want to be Chris Pratt and I want to fuck Chris Pratt, does it mean that I want to fuck myself?

  • L.O.V.E.

    watch yourself. that's some very dangerous territory you be walking into precious.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • e jerry powell

    For reference's sake, I'll fuck EVERYBODY. Just because I can.

  • L.O.V.E.

    See, it's Satanic homo ... Nah, just fucking with you. Pegging for the win. :)

  • L.O.V.E.
  • Mrs. Julien

    Can you blame you?

  • Mrs. Julien

    I am dying to know the reason for that down vote.

  • AvaLehra

    Mrs. J, I will upvote you until they pry the mouse from my cold dead hands...

  • AvaLehra

    It was me! But I meant to make that an upvote. There, fixed!

  • emmalita

    The touch screen on my iPad does that sometimes. And then I am verklempt.

  • kinoumenthe

    Which one was "verklempt" already ?

    I'm seriously flashing back to my high school German classes and wondering if I should take that language up again. I thought English was sufficient for Pajiba T_T

  • emmalita

    It means 'overcome with emotion.' German is a beautiful language, so musical. It has many expressive words I find useful here. I used 'schadenfreude' twice yesterday.

  • e jerry powell

    I always thought it was Yiddish, because I only ever heard Jewish women use it.

    Learn something every day...

  • emmalita

    My German teacher used it all the time, but I haven't researched it independently.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Given my logorrhea today, a down vote would have been entirely justified.

  • AvaLehra

    I think we should go out for a drink.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm good, I'm still coasting on the Canadian women's gold medal in hockey, but I can always use chicken wings.

  • llp

    You and Sir Patrick Stewart!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    BOOOOOOOOOO. I was so mad when I saw that.

  • llp

    About Canada's victory?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yes. And as I learned the details just became more tragic. Poor thwarted ladies.

  • llp

    Well, you know I love you, but as a Canuckian, I cannot share your dismay. I share Mrs. J's WOOOOOOO.

  • Guest

    boo.

  • Guest

    hahahaha!

  • amberdragonfly

    Yes.

  • amberdragonfly

    No, it is definitely NOT okay. Dustin can spin it however he likes, but the ten commandments clearly tell us not to lust after someone who is taken (clearly, I am paraphrasing here) and Chris Pratt is mine. We have a very full life together, even if most of it is only in dreams (maybe all of it, but whatever). Go sin somewhere else.

  • JulesVerne

    Not trying to dump Haterade on the fans, but I've never fully understand the Pratt love. I think it's because years ago, I read an interview with Anna Faris in which she relayed an anecdote about him telling her how to be a better actress -- I wish I could find the quote but he came across as very condescending toward her, like he was this master actor and she was just some silly wanna be actress. Anyone remember reading this? Google has failed me but I swear it exists and it makes him seem like quite a douche canoe.

    Well that and the whole "giving the cat away" thing.

  • Mrs. Julien

    a. You are totally trying to dump haterade on the fans.
    b. The fans are impervious to your haterade.

  • JulesVerne

    Ha! Haterade only for the Pratt, not the fans. I just can't move on from this random thing I read years ago because I'm so emotionally stable.

  • Dumily

    I could respect an Andy Samberg man crush. I'd prefer a Bill Murray man crush, but Samberg I could respect.

  • Michelle

    Can we stop qualifying crushes with "man-crush" or "girl-crush"? Why can't it just be a crush? And don't even get me started on the man-crush vs girl-crush thing because I can't even.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Because the type of crush I have on Alison Brie involves doing things that are still technically illegal in 7 southern states, whereas the crush I have on Rob Lowe does not involve acts that would technically be illegal in ALL southern states.

  • e jerry powell

    Rob. Feeldoe.

    Let that marinate in your brain.

    ;-)

  • Ryan Ambrose

    I appreciate that this article justifies my acceptable man crush on Tony Leung.

  • AvaLehra

    Every man should have a crush on Tony Leung. End of story.

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/bf9...

  • e jerry powell

    Mmmm.

    Nah.

    Too young.

  • AvaLehra

    He's 51.

  • e jerry powell

    My last ex turned 55 last November. The first guy I ever dated is a year older than my father.

  • emmalita

    That just made me laugh so hard I disturbed all the ladies who brunch.

  • AvaLehra

    I'm not saying 51 isn't young, I'm just saying he isn't 31. ;)

  • emmalita

    Age is irrelevant to Tony Leung.

  • AvaLehra

    Let's start a whole TL photo/GIF chain...

  • AvaLehra
  • emmalita

    You mean like this?

  • AvaLehra

    Yes.

  • BlackRabbit

    For no good reason, until I saw the picture I thought you meant Al Leong.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Furiously Heterosexual was the original name of the band Wham! until they decided it was a bit on the nose.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I should like to offer you the highest of fives.

  • Jim

    High Five, Low Five and Back Ten, I should think.

  • Guest

    ...

  • Jim

    Mrs J! {fans self} You misconstrue! "Back 10" is two fives with the hands behind the back. I wouldn't dream of suggesting someone approach your 'back 10' short of at least a handwritten invitation.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I panicked and deleted the comment.

  • Jim

    Courage, mon ange, courage.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Thanks, honey.

  • mswas

    Make that a six.

  • Repo

    I used to have this same inner dialogue about Tim Olyphant, than I realized it would probably be weirder if I didn't have a man crush on him. Because everyone should be into Tim Olyphant.

  • e jerry powell

    You're lucky I didn't read that last sentence wrong.

    It could have gotten all messy up in here.

  • lets_brunch_out

    Chris Pratt and Timothy Olyphant should star in a movie together. Timothy could put his olyphant in Chris' pratt... in a furiously heterosexual way of course. I'd buy that for a dollar.

  • BlackRabbit

    Olyphuriously Heterosexual.

  • Mrs. Julien

    You're still a funny kind of heterosexual, but at least you are consistent across genders. You really do go for a nice body on the quirky person next door, don't you?

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