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"Fame Whore" is So Demeaning; Adrianne Curry Prefers the Term "Celebrity Entrepreneur"

By Michael Murray | Think Pieces | June 3, 2011 | Comments ()


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Dear Adrianne Curry:

First off, I want to tell you that you were my favorite all time contestant on "America's Next Top Model." It was obvious from the moment you appeared that you were going to win, as you were head and shoulders (and other things, too!) superior to the rest of them. Shannon did not have the personality to be "America's Next Top Model." You did. You were more than fierce, you were edgy, like a gritty-I-might-have-a-few-STD's-big-city-hipster and you deserved to win. I tell you, that first season--your season--really kicked ass.

Is it true that Tyra has a prosthetic leg?

bankslegs.jpgI read that on the Internet somewhere, but her publicist denied it and then Tyra had a special episode on her legs where she proved they were both real and sexy. And then she cried because of all the haters and their lies. I guess that should have put the matter to rest, but ever since I've been having these dreams where she gets in a car accident and loses her leg and so I'm thinking maybe my subconscious is picking up on a buried truth or something. Weird, eh?

Do you have any recurring dreams?

I have many.

At any rate, I'm writing to you about your recent break-up with Christopher Knight-- the guy who played Peter on "The Brady Bunch" -- which you announced on the fifth anniversary of your marriage. Like most people, I'd really been enjoying the Memorial Day weekend, when I heard the news of your separation.

(I like to honor the military by getting high and playing a marathon session of Risk. My strategy is to hunker down in Australia, where I wait for my enemies to turn on one another, then I, like death upon a pale horse, sweep over the world and conquer the little ants who remain. What's your favorite Risk country?)

Please don't get me wrong, I am a HUGE fan of you-- especially your cutting edge work on Twitter (link NSFW) -- but I have to say it was kind of insensitive of you to steal the thunder from the troops like that. I know it was a slow news cycle and you were just being publicity-fierce and hoping to maximize attention. But still, it was their time and they deserved it.

But I still think you're great.

You have something.

One of the things I like about you is that you married an older man who didn't really have any sort of a career. What's the math, here? You're 28 and he's 53? A 25 year difference? That's cool, Adrianne, way cool. Normally, guys that age and in that circumstance have to go to Thailand to find consistent relations with such a lovely, young woman, but you've shown that it can happen right here! You're a hero!

And you know, I always thought that reality shows such as "The Surreal Life," where you met Christopher, were just crass, publicity machines for bottom-feeding celebrities, but you've proven that it's actually a pretty efficient dating service--like Ashley Madison or Plenty of Fish. It was also cool that you had a Gothic-themed wedding. It was kinky in all the best ways, I believe.

You think outside of the box, like a sexy Leonardo da Vinci.

curryleia.jpgIt's also admirable that you never really tried to parlay your fame into an acting career or anything "artistic" but chose instead to just be the best damn Maxim girl you could be! Many people think that getting a boob job is just striving to conform to a commercial ideal. That it's the sort of thing that tends to ruin beauty rather than enhance it. But you pushed all of that stuff aside and just followed your dreams, and that Adrianne, makes you an American legend. You're a bit of a rebel, I think, and the fact that you're got a nerd-on for Star Wars, World of Warcraft and Anime, makes you a there's-a-reason-I'm-single man's dream girl.

I mean, you really haven't shown much more than a want for senseless adoration, and I bet all you really like to do is lie around, get high, play video games and Tweet sleazy pictures of yourself to masturbating fans. You would be a stone cold ace at Chat Roulette, and if you ever see a man on there wearing a Rhino mask who has three nipple rings and a tracheotomy scar, well, that's me, so please say hi!

Anyway, the whole reason I'm writing is that I think I have the perfect guy for you.

His name is Oscar and he's 41 years-old. He might look a little bit older, I guess, but that vanishes when you see him play Ping-Pong. He's very, very nimble. He even defeated an Asian at the Community Centre once. He is, like you, a complete freak for Star Wars, World of Warcraft and Hentai Manga, and although he might not like me telling you this, he has always wanted to have a Brady Bunch 3-Way. And yes, with one of the brothers rather than the sisters, whom he thinks boring. (I am imagining, given the various dynamics of age, beauty and opportunity, that you could arrange such a 3-Way.) Oscar, like you, is a free-thinker, and he's 12 years younger than the Brady you just dumped.

You should also know that Oscar (who is a Team Leader at a well-established box factory up here in Canada) has, like you, some excellent ideas regarding the use of social media (he Tweets ethnic knock-knock jokes) and has some really cool concepts for a couple of reality TV shows involving sexual rehabilitation.

He's a great guy, Adrianne. Although I know this could be a difficult passage for you, I hope you remain confident, optimistic, fierce and weird, just as you were born to be. I hope you can find it in your heart to give Oscar a chance.

Michael Murray is a freelance writer. He presently lives in Toronto. You can find more of his musings on his blog, or check out his Facebook page.



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