Can We Talk? 'Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.' and Richie Incognito Edition
This is the first installment of a new weekly column in which I take various people and cultural institutions aside and ask: Can We Talk?
Graham Norton: Can We Talk?
Every time I happen upon a clip of your show it’s something rad like a Fresh Prince reunion or Han Solo and his new best friend Cumberbacca playfully falling in love and deflecting Star Wars rumors. Listen, if it’s not advertised during WWE Raw or on the side of a Fritos Honey BBQ Flavor Twists bag, then I probably don’t know about it. I don’t watch The Graham Norton Show regularly, but it seems like everything good that I ever miss happened on it. Can you shoot me an email when something mint is gonna happen on your program? Thanks Graham Norton.
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Can We Talk?
I heard about your plans to “pick up the pieces” of where Thor: The Dark World leaves off on your Nov. 19 episode. This seems like a desperate viewer grab of Low Winter Sun-ian levels, but I get it. Why else would ABC hitch their wagon to a weekly Marvel series if there weren’t the promise of big cameos and crossovers at some point. But let’s get something straight, you and I — if you’re teasing this ep as a “Thor 2 crossover,” you’d better make with the Hemsworth, Hiddledston, or both.
Kenny Powers: Can We Talk?
How in the f*ck do you do it, Kenny? How do you continue to get me to root for you when you are the most vile, insensitive, ill-tempered, repugnant character on television?
I know antiheroes are the thing, believe me, I’ve loved my share. But you’re just a bully. A bully who instead of sending threatening texts and voicemails, sets a wolf free in suburban North Carolina. A WOLF. Yet 3 minutes later I find myself fist pumping because you dumb-f*cked your way to major personal victory again. You truly are ‘The Bulletproof Tiger’; and it seems I’m doomed to love you forever.
And speaking of bullies, Richie Incognito’s Dad: Can We Talk?
Your son is a douche tree, you can wish AIDS on as many people as you want and that’s never gonna change. Actually, you can’t keep wishing AIDS on people because holy shit that’s embarrassing. Are you for real? By all reports, your son has always been a clown, so it should come as no surprise that you are an outwardly imbalanced individual as well, but don’t create user accounts and go blast people on message boards to confirm it. That’s like Marilyn Manson going on The Talking Dead just to prove people are still uncomfortable around him. We know.
And Lastly, Trick-or-Treating in Rural New York: Can We Talk?
I thought cigarettes were like 9 beans a pack now or something. How is it that so many parents of trick-or-treaters were smoking that a thick omnipresent cloud of cigarette stink followed us the entire time we were trick-or-treat chaperoning on Halloween night?
Don’t get me wrong- — 10 years ago Halloween night meant a late evening at the bar with friends, ogling the girl with Incognito-level daddy issues who dressed up as a Victoria’s Secret Angel (which essentially is a bra, panties and heels, and really happened), so I probably wouldn’t notice (and would have contributed to) the smoke in the air, but nowadays it means something vastly different. It means my wife and I taking our 4 year old trick-or-treating, with our 5 month old in tow. Which also means I understand that neighborhood children of similar leg length, costume restriction and candy-collecting ambition will probably move at the same pace for a significant portion of the night, but just because our kids are de facto trick-or-treating together doesn’t mean I’m OK with you ripping heaters at me the whole time. Yes, you were smoking at me and you know it. My costume reeks of smoke now, and yes, it will wash out because my costume is jeans and a sweatshirt but come on — give it a break people. Halloween is about the kids, smoke on your own time.
Howie Decker (@HowardTheDeck) is the publisher of UnderScoopFire, a site that admittedly takes Garbage Pail Kids and M.U.S.C.L.E. figures way too seriously.