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Can We Talk? 'Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.' and Richie Incognito Edition

By Howie Decker | Think Pieces | November 5, 2013 | Comments ()


Agents of SHIELD_analysis_02.jpg

This is the first installment of a new weekly column in which I take various people and cultural institutions aside and ask: Can We Talk?

Graham Norton: Can We Talk?

Every time I happen upon a clip of your show it’s something rad like a Fresh Prince reunion or Han Solo and his new best friend Cumberbacca playfully falling in love and deflecting Star Wars rumors. Listen, if it’s not advertised during WWE Raw or on the side of a Fritos Honey BBQ Flavor Twists bag, then I probably don’t know about it. I don’t watch The Graham Norton Show regularly, but it seems like everything good that I ever miss happened on it. Can you shoot me an email when something mint is gonna happen on your program? Thanks Graham Norton.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Can We Talk?

I heard about your plans to “pick up the pieces” of where Thor: The Dark World leaves off on your Nov. 19 episode. This seems like a desperate viewer grab of Low Winter Sun-ian levels, but I get it. Why else would ABC hitch their wagon to a weekly Marvel series if there weren’t the promise of big cameos and crossovers at some point. But let’s get something straight, you and I — if you’re teasing this ep as a “Thor 2 crossover,” you’d better make with the Hemsworth, Hiddledston, or both.

Kenny Powers: Can We Talk?

How in the f*ck do you do it, Kenny? How do you continue to get me to root for you when you are the most vile, insensitive, ill-tempered, repugnant character on television?
I know antiheroes are the thing, believe me, I’ve loved my share. But you’re just a bully. A bully who instead of sending threatening texts and voicemails, sets a wolf free in suburban North Carolina. A WOLF. Yet 3 minutes later I find myself fist pumping because you dumb-f*cked your way to major personal victory again. You truly are ‘The Bulletproof Tiger’; and it seems I’m doomed to love you forever.

And speaking of bullies, Richie Incognito’s Dad: Can We Talk?

Your son is a douche tree, you can wish AIDS on as many people as you want and that’s never gonna change. Actually, you can’t keep wishing AIDS on people because holy shit that’s embarrassing. Are you for real? By all reports, your son has always been a clown, so it should come as no surprise that you are an outwardly imbalanced individual as well, but don’t create user accounts and go blast people on message boards to confirm it. That’s like Marilyn Manson going on The Talking Dead just to prove people are still uncomfortable around him. We know.

And Lastly, Trick-or-Treating in Rural New York: Can We Talk?

I thought cigarettes were like 9 beans a pack now or something. How is it that so many parents of trick-or-treaters were smoking that a thick omnipresent cloud of cigarette stink followed us the entire time we were trick-or-treat chaperoning on Halloween night?
Don’t get me wrong- — 10 years ago Halloween night meant a late evening at the bar with friends, ogling the girl with Incognito-level daddy issues who dressed up as a Victoria’s Secret Angel (which essentially is a bra, panties and heels, and really happened), so I probably wouldn’t notice (and would have contributed to) the smoke in the air, but nowadays it means something vastly different. It means my wife and I taking our 4 year old trick-or-treating, with our 5 month old in tow. Which also means I understand that neighborhood children of similar leg length, costume restriction and candy-collecting ambition will probably move at the same pace for a significant portion of the night, but just because our kids are de facto trick-or-treating together doesn’t mean I’m OK with you ripping heaters at me the whole time. Yes, you were smoking at me and you know it. My costume reeks of smoke now, and yes, it will wash out because my costume is jeans and a sweatshirt but come on — give it a break people. Halloween is about the kids, smoke on your own time.

Howie Decker (@HowardTheDeck) is the publisher of UnderScoopFire, a site that admittedly takes Garbage Pail Kids and M.U.S.C.L.E. figures way too seriously.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • simplysarah

    If I want to smoke outside while walking anywhere, I will do so. I do however, have the respect to stand back and I don't blow it in the direction of anyone but I'm outside. I already can't smoke in doors in 90% of places. Outside is all I have left.

  • manting

    good piece except for the smoking thing, you sound a bit whiney. If it was at a party indoors your argument would make sense but OUTDOORS? How does someone smoke at you exactly? Also its outdoors and you are moving. Just wait 2 minutes and let them get ahead of you or skip a house and get ahead of them. If they are your friends that are actually with you then ask them not to smoke. Problem solved.
    I recently quit smoking (its a disgusting and expensive habit) but I couldnt stand the fake coughs and the looks when I was smoking outdoors.

  • HowardTheDeck

    I would never begrudge a person smoking outside, and like I said, in a different situation I'd have been adding to the cloud, but it was more the fact that no matter where we went there was this Pigpen-like fog that followed, yet the crowd around seemed to change and it was raining (which usually tamps down the effect as well). Didn't intend to be whiney, trying to make a humorous observation. I'm with you though, the looks and fake coughs are never OK.

  • BBB40

    I get annoyed when a person in the car ahead of me on the highway is smoking. It stinks. It just does. I don't like smelling things that stink. I'm weird like that. Sure, you have the right to stink. But I also have the right to draw attention to your stink. Stinky Stinkerson.

  • kasper

    I don't think there is anything "desperate" about SHIELD picking up from THOR, for the simple fact that the episode must have been written and shot weeks ago, before the show started declining in the numbers.

  • HowardTheDeck

    I hear ya. It just reminded me of the Low Winter Sun ads that ran incessantly during Breaking Bad, and how they made you watch LWS to see scenes from the next BB, because it was the only thing they could dangle to try to keep you there. AoS is definitely nowhere near LWS levels of desperation.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Fuck Richie Incognito and his dad. Seriously, what kind of grown man trolls internet message boards? That shit is embarrassing and sad if you're a teenager.

  • NateMan

    I've seen far too many comments - and goddamn do I hate most comment sections - that are along the lines of "How can you possibly bully a 300lbs man?"

    The answer, of course, being "By being another 300lbs man with more authority, seniority, and the assumption that you're just supposed to go along with it because that's what everyone around you tells you what to do, you stupid asshole, that's how."

  • Aaron Schulz

    it helps when the bully is not only a 300lbs man but one with known anger issues as well

  • HowardTheDeck

    absolutely agreed. I'm an (ashamed) Dolphins fan and while I'm glad they've kicked him off the team I am not impressed with the head coach, QB, or any of the so-called "veteran leaders" who should have put a stop to this crap long ago. And his dad- wow what a clown.

  • e jerry powell

    Oh, and you know who also doesn't impress?

    Mike Ditka and his whole "I don't know why none of the other players stepped up to stop the bullying" spiel of bullshit.

    Hello, Mr. Ditka? Do you live on earth? Who the fuck is going to volunteer himself to be the next target? It would take the entire team, unlikely as that is, and it still might not work.

  • Legally Insignificant

    I'm also a Dolphins fan. I'm giving Philbin the benefit of the doubt. He really seems to be big on discipline. He got rid of Brandon Marshall and Ochocinco when their antics got out of hand. I wouldn't be surprised if Ross or Ireland are staying Philbin's hand.

  • e jerry powell

    It should be noted that Ochocinco's nonsense went public almost immediately, so it was bad PR even faster than the Incognito situation was.

  • HowardTheDeck

    I don't disagree, but that's exactly what confuses me. If Philbin was all over Marshall and Ocho for their transgressions, it seems like he wouldn't have tolerated this (and should've known about it, if he didn't). It feels like a "we are already hurtin' on the O line, I must look the other way" situation.

  • Just watched Tom Hanks and the floor piano video last week on Norton...my personal opinion, there will be more of this on American TV when Jimmy Fallon has the tonight show.

  • HowardTheDeck

    Fallon is way underappreciated. Looking forward to Seth Meyers taking that over too. So much happening on the late night scene.

  • Repo

    In my juvenile world, "ripping heaters" would follow a Taco Bell meal.

  • HowardTheDeck

    you're not alone. Although my friends have always used the term to mean 'smoking cigarettes' after we heard Rob Dibble use the term on Dan Patrick's radio show a long time ago, my wife has always disagreed with the use and taken the same stance as you as to it's intended meaning.

  • JustOP

    On Graham Norton - as a Brit who's been watching now for a few seasons, the show has consistently gotten better and better. Highlights from memory include - Mark Wahlberg drunk, 'the Bear Grylls sandwhich', every single Cumberbatch attendance, Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law bromancing it up, and the banter between Gwyneth Paltrow and (the incredibly quick) Lee Mack. Oh, and The Man of Steel special was pretty amazing also.

  • Leelee

    Don't forget The Fly Incident! I know it was posted on here, but anyone who missed Chris O'Dowd accidentally drinking a fly must get themselves to youtube asap.

  • Itmustbebunnies

    You missed out the episode with Will.i.am and Miriam Margolyes. I had always thought he was a massive no (because The Black Eyed Peas are urgh) but the interaction between those two has earned him a permanent place in my yes list. Here's part one - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

    Edit - Wow, that's a snazzy website I unintentionally linked to there.

  • csb

    Fat Cavill!

  • Legally Insignificant

    I have several smoker friends, many of whom also smoke e-cigs. It seems like e-cigs could be a reasonable compromise between those who need their oral fixation and those who appreciate fresh air.

  • HowardTheDeck

    yes, and the vapor could create a fun Halloween-y fog effect! Problem solved.

  • Marc Greene

    Kenny Powers is kind of like an older brother that repeatedly makes you angry, but his briefest glimmers of humanity (i.e. "Gay is the new Black") keep you loving him. http://video.adultswim.com/fri...

  • HowardTheDeck

    haha yes!! Like Wayne Arnold on steroids. And coke. And Viagra.

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