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About The Time That Motherf*cker Bret Easton Ellis Spoiled 'Gravity' For Me

By Joanna Robinson | Think Pieces | October 7, 2013 | Comments ()


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This thing that happened to me, this inconsiderate and asinine thing, happened a month ago. I haven’t written about it because I didn’t want to risk spoiling any of you. So, here we are, a month later. Gravity had a huge opening weekend and, presumably, a good number of you managed to go see it. But if you didn’t. If you haven’t seen one of the most talked about, anticipated and highly regarded films of the year? Well get the fuck out of here. We’re about to talk “spoilers” and the last thing I want to do while complaining about being spoiled is inadvertently spoil something for you. So go. Leave. Don’t let the pod bay doors hit you on the way out.

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Are they gone? Good. Okay, so Bret Easton Ellis is a controversial and intermittently successful/respected author best-known for writing “Less Than Zero” and “American Psycho.” I’ve enjoyed following him on Twitter because of his occasional feuds with repulsive entertainment writer Nikke Finke and his truly bizarre fascination with “50 Shades Of Grey.” But a month ago, on September 5th to be precise, that shitbeard tweeted out the following:

Oh brother, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you. I immediately unfollowed Ellis and, I know, I know, I’m sure he’s crying into his vault of doubloons about it. Now let’s all be clear and have some perspective: getting spoiled for a movie is not the worst thing that could happen to you. Not by a long shot. It’s not even the worst thing that could happen on that mixed bag of wit and idiocracy,Twitter. So when I say this was done “to me” I don’t want to sound too much like a victim. But we can all admit that this was a dick move. One month before the movie hits wide release? Dick move.

But is it even a spoiler? I mean, this isn’t the ending of The Sixth Sense or the plot of the Breaking Bad finale. Oh it is friend. It’s a major spoiler. And while Gravity wasn’t ruined for me, my viewing experience was absolutely damaged. Here are two reasons why. 1) Cuarón, as a writer and director, has shown he’s not afraid of killing his leads. [SPOILERS FOR CHILDREN OF MEN]. He popped off Julianne Moore in the first third of Children Of Men when she was billed as the co-star and Clive Owen’s fate at the end of that film is ambiguous at best. Cuarón is completely capable of telling a darker tale that ended in death and defeat. [END SPOILER] 2) The whole movie is structured and shot from the perspective of Dr. Ryan Stone. We are with her. At certain points we see what she’s seeing. Her struggle for life and her endeavor to muster the will to live? THAT IS THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF THE MOVIE.

So yes, I saw and enjoyed Gravity on opening night. I admired the performances. I marveled at the technical proficiencies. I drowned in the visuals. I was anxious when the camera sent us, the viewer, careening into objects. But I was not once worried about Sandy. She makes it. Bret Easton Ellis said so. A few months ago, our very own Steven Lloyd Wilson made the bold assertion that spoilers don’t even matter:

“Spoilers? You can only be spoiled if you allow surprises, the cheapest and lowliest of plot devices to dominate all other parts of your enjoyment of a story.”

With all due respect, Steven. Blow. A lot of “spoilers” don’t matter. But some do and, without exception, being spoiled means you lose something from your experience. And there are plenty of assholes who have the privilege of seeing movies and TV shows early and need to have a care with what they say. They really do. Twitter is constantly flooded with smug “I’ve already seen it” messages from critics and while most keep it vague, some don’t keep it vague enough. And some are just dicks.

So rather than end this post on a bitter, “woe is me” note, I’ll choose instead to admire someone for doing it right.

Neil deGrasse Tyson, you are a gentleman and a scholar. Your adorably indignant tweets about the dubious physics of Gravity sustain me. Thank you for doing it with class and style and, above all else, for keeping it spoiler-free. You can see more of Tyson’s tweets here and, in the meantime, I’ll be crying into this bottle of vodka I just found under my seat.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Steve H

    lol i guess if people wanted to actually avoid spoilers...they could just....like.....not use social media or read entertainment news. and then who'd be writing this article that contains spoilers written by someone who gets mad about people writing spoilers? i personally saw that gravity involved mostly george clooney and sandra bullock and thought.....oh, so this is like another Cast Away but Wilson the Volleyball is a person. I don't even care to see gravity and the spoilers just help reinforce why.

  • Aaron Schulz

    I dont care about spoilers as a rule, but a movie like this is total bullshit to get spoiled, the whole point is to see whats going to happen to her. Happened to me before i saw Buried. I wanted to see it to see if ryan reynolds survived, i read a review the day before that told me exactly what happens, pissed me straight off.

  • junierizzle

    That was a total Spoiler but to be fair I never once thought Bullock would die. So yeah, some of the suspense was gone for me.

    RIchard Roeper tweeted, that we now live in a time where even saying you saw something is considered a Spoiler. It's so true. After the first episode of the final season of Breaking Bad I posted "BB was heartbreaking and awesome" A friend of mine commented, "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now, there was no way they could have guessed what happened but hey, it's the times we live in. I myself, stayed off Twitter all day the day of the finale, just to be safe.

  • Pat C

    My nephew figured that if it got down to one survivor the suspense was over. Maybe I should take him to see The Perfect Storm.

  • e jerry powell

    So not ever even looking at Bret Easton Ellis. He's douchetastic.

  • The fact that you live a life in which bottles of vodka can be found under your seat makes me envious.

  • AvaLehra

    I am one of the few doofs that hasn't seen Breaking Bad, and until this Saturday I had successfully dodged any news about the ending as I was planning on starting to watch it.

    I was at a panel on Saturday, and one of the panelists with a heart full of glee and melted crayons (those nasty raw umber discontinued ones) spoiled the hell out the ending and laughed while doing it -- even as half of the room yelled, "AW, COME ON!"

    She did it deliberately and without remorse and for that, I will forever be throwing the evil eye her way. You just don't do that...bad manners...that dum-dum.

  • For real, put them on blast.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    Who was it? So that we may all shun this person.

  • BWeaves

    I really don't see a problem with the comment, "Do you REALLY think Sandra Bullock is gonna die?" because there are certain things you know for a fact:

    1. Sean Bean is always going to die.
    2. Sandra Bullock will never die.
    3. Michael Fassbender will have sex.

  • AvaLehra

    (Addendum to number 3) With ME!

  • Wigamer

    Nope, sorry. With ME.

  • emmalita

    Sandra Bullock has always been and always will be. She is immortal.

  • RilesSD

    I haven't seen it so I didn't read the article, but wanted to say that Bret's tweets this weekend about Gravity are what finally drove me to unfollow him.

  • I could have used a spoiler at the beginning of this article, warning that Joanna was about to MURDER MY EMOTIONS..

  • GUEST

    PAJIBA FIGHT CLUB GO

  • Joe Grunenwald

    Do you REALLY think George Clooney is gonna die?

    But yeah, Ellis is an ass.

  • Huh. I've not seen this one yet, probably won't, but that's beside the point. I never once for a second doubted that Bullock's character would survive. And if it turns out Clooney dies to save her, then this movie sounds even more predictable than I thought. Which is disappointing.

  • pissant

    You predict Bullock survives and Clooney dies. So, you'll be disappointed if you correctly guess the 1 correct outcome out of 4 possible outcomes?

    Do you pat yourself on the back when you correctly guess 2 coin flips in a row?

  • I sure do.

  • pajiba

    Because of who the director is (and because I didn't see those tweets), I assumed up until the credits rolled that she WOULD die. Even when she was lying on the beach, all I could think was, "Oh shit, after all that, she's somehow going to drown." We didn't see any rescue vehicles, so for all I know, she DID die. Actually, you know what? Everything after she turned off the oxygen was probably a fantasy sequence in Walter White's head.

  • Arran

    Having seen the trailer for Captain Phillips before the movie, I thought she was going to stand up on the beach and be facing Somali pirates with assault rifles. Then the REAL story would begin!

  • okayflint

    I fully expected that she would either drown because she didn't take off her suit in the water or she would get stuck under the parachute and drown that way. I was like "oh come on, don't do this cuaron! don't let her make it back and then kill her!"

  • I was waiting for the camera to pan out and it's, like, Chernobyl. Or surprise 9/11 like that Robert Pattinson movie, Surprise 9/11.

  • melissa82

    This is BEE's tweet that pissed me off:
    "‏@BretEastonEllis 5 Oct
    The only things I took from GRAVITY: I want George Clooney's ghost to give me pep talks, and maybe they shouldn't allow chicks in space."

  • Jose

    What's worse is that that wasn't the only spoilery tweet Ellis made.

    He made another one reveling the "Twist" (or whatever you want to call it) in the 3rd act. I'm just glad that I never followed him and didn't know about this until after I saw the movie. He comes across as a huge dick.

  • Samantha Klein

    But does Clooney die? I wanna know. Because, as I like to put it, I'm a Simon (meaning I am terrified of space) and I have no intention of ever seeing this movie.

  • Jim

    My God ... he's full of stars!

  • JoannaRobinson

    They should have sent a poet.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    *Spoiler*

    Clooney IS space.

  • If only. NASA would've been shutdown-proof.

  • Samantha Klein

    LOL

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