Pajiba

Although there would be actors of a higher calibre who may well turn up to an unaired ceremony (possibly, maybe, I mean they might - would the more fame-whorey Hollywood contingent stay home if there were going to be no cameras present?

That would be tragic, I don't think I could handle awards season without the inevitable "Oh holy shit what the hell is she wearing? My eyes, they burn, they burn. Oh God the searing pain, when will it end? Quick, someone find me a pair of knitting needles so that I may end my suffering" photographs that follow the ceremonies themselves.

New masthead for the new year, I see. Nice work.

Thanks for all the mildly depressing news, Whore. I'm bummed about the Globes not being televised--I was looking forward to all the foot-in-mouth moments.

*GASP* No Golden Globes! what..ever shall we do...

No Golden Globes? Now no one can make fun of an actress's boobs, saying something like, "Check out those Golden Globes!"

"Those Golden Globes are hanging low"
Do your...boobs hang low,
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them over your shoulder like a continental soldier?
Do
your
boobs
hang
low?

(I think that's a sign I should go to bed. I've been up since 4am)

The Golden Globes is actually the one awards show I can watch nearly from beginning to end. I usually change the channel when the lifetime achievement award winner begins his or her drunken rambling, but other than that, I kinda like it. Especially when Hugh Laurie wins. His acceptance speeches make it all worth while.

That and wondering who the random bag lady/flapper/6-month-old baby Kirsten Dunst is trying to emulate with her get up for the evening.

No Golden Globes? But that is the most intoxicated of all the shows! And it was going to be totally ad libbed. Damn.

I was going to watch Letterman until you told me that Williams is the guest. My roommate has an actual phobia of him. Seriously. She nearly has a panic attack, it is kind of scary (as scary as his amount of body hair). Maybe we will just watch the monologue.

No Golden Globes ceremony this year? Good God. How will I ever get through the month without that horrid introductory red carpet song? I just can't survive without hearing the lyrics to a song like "Mambo Number Five" or "Don't Cha" changed to the names of people coming out of limos for the ceremony.

...no, seriously, now it has me thinking. What craptastic or rediculously overplayed (or, y'know, both) song would they have used this year?

Also, I don't know about anyone else, but I can't tell you how happy I am that Conan will be back on tonight. I'll take whatever Conan I can get at this point. Yeesh.

OK, so unless I stay up crazily late and/or find someone who has satellite or cable TV who will be willing to let me watch I generally don't catch award show broadcasts but seriously, em:

"...the lyrics to a song like "Mambo Number Five" or "Don't Cha" changed to the names of people coming out of limos for the ceremony."

Please tell me this isn't surrealist fantasy but in fact actually happens. Does it? Because I want to believe that it does with all my heart and soul but there are still a couple of neurons firing in the "don't be so bloody ridiculous, that would be far too tacky" centre of my brain. And I really do literally mean "a couple" because the rest of the single remaining functioning cluster gave up the ghost around the time I heard of the existance of Tila Tequila.

I'm about thirty seconds away from the realms of "nothing surprises me any more" it's like a blind bend: on the other side is either sweet, believing abandon or the horrifying realisation that the apocalypse has actually come and every new and previously unbelivable sight that I must now accept without question is merely another harbinger of our universal and impending doom.

...no, seriously, now it has me thinking. What craptastic or rediculously overplayed (or, y'know, both) song would they have used this year?..."

That would have been, *drumroll*

"Glamorous," by transgender artist: Fergie.

Normally I would thank the sweet heavens there's no Golden Globes. It always preempts some other show I would rather have watched. But this year, when there's nothing new on anyway...

That's just mean.

Alex The Odd -
em's being totally serious. I had completely forgotten about that. Ew.

I'm pretty sure they already used "Glamorous", or that might have been E's coverage.

Wow, I'm going to pretend that I don't really know that.

I watched Letterman for the first time in years on New Year's Eve (don't hurt me, I just can't stay up that late) and was both amused and disturbed that the rerun they chose for that night was from 1999. The jokes were about Linda Tripp, Y2K, and President Clinton's intern fetish, and the guests were Jim Carrey and Alanis Morrisette. It actually made me kind of sad, thinking about all the shit that hadn't happened yet, and that the biggest concerns facing the nation where a philandering president and a potential computer malfunction.

Wow, I'm going to pretend that I don't really know that.

Posted by: Jackers at January 2, 2008 10:56 AM

--------------------------------------------------

Too late...

Yup, Alex, it's totally true.

"A little bit of Tom Hanks in my life,
A little bit of Rita on the side..."

Something like that. I must YouTube it for you to see if I can find something. But yes, it really is nauseating. I'm getting stomach pains just thinking about it.

Ugh, couldn't find anything on YouTube, but here's a sampling from Defamer:

Stop what you're doing, go back to the TiVo, and replay the first five minutes of last night's broadcast, an introductory montage of red carpet arrivals set to a "special" version of the already dangerously insipid Pussycat Dolls song "Don't Cha." If you don't find yourself rummaging around the kitchen for a blender large enough to fit around the human head by the time they sing, "Don't cha love that Russell can throw left hooks"/Don't cha know the cowboy with his good looks?" you're far more generous souls than we are.

"...Robin Williams might be his least favorite television talk show guest ever and how anyone can stand Williams' insufferably forced manic machinations is beyond his understanding."

If the behaviour of my friend Lil' C, who is Robin fucking Williams fan #1 is any guide, my guess would be ganja. Lots and lots of ganja.

"Don't cha love that Russell can throw left hooks"/Don't cha know the cowboy with his good looks?"

Wow. If you listen very carefully you can hear... well I was going to make a pity reference to a now dead songwriter or classical composer spinning in their coffins, or perhaps the sound of choirs of angels weeping for humanity. Maybe even the Devil bitching about being chosen after "these ungrateful, tasteless motherfuckers" but I just can't.

Someone pass me the blender. Suicide or frozen tequila based drinks? I can't decide.

You've got to understand: as a Brit I grew up with American TV, but honestly so much of it seems so divorced from reality that even the mundane appears to be utterly fantastical: like football players and bitchy super rich popular girls - we know in theory that they exist but we don't think they're really real as such... I'm experiencing something very similar to the first time an American friend sat me down and explained about her prom. It's like being presented with high definition photographs and a DNA sample of a Unicorn. My mind - it is broken.

I have to go and lie down now.

"I'm experiencing something very similar to the first time an American friend sat me down and explained about her prom. It's like being presented with high definition photographs and a DNA sample of a Unicorn. My mind - it is broken."

Ah, and it just *had* to be the damn Golden Globes song that broke your mind.

I guess turning the mundane into the utterly fantastical is what American TV has to do nowadays, or has done for years, ever since I realized I was way too old for MTV. Spinning shit into gold and all that stuff. Sigh. Hope the lying down helps.

TV is painful. I find myself devolving in my WoW addiction, if only to combat the fact that there is nothing else, aside from the occasional decent film, to distract me.

Maybe I can develop some new addiction, like heroin or pcp. It would certainly be more entertaining, and perhaps less dangerous.

No Golden Globes? That is the one good awards show, with an obvious exception to the intro song. It has an open bar, drunken celebs, no interpretive dance, and several ridiculous statements made by various celebs in all of the stages of drunkenness.

I hate tv sometimes.

Hey Seth, have you had a look at the Sarah Connor Chronicles? Is it decent?

Hey! Stewart and Colbert are returning on Jan 7th! There's news, yay! Has anyone been seeing the commercials for that on Comedy Central? Where Jon folds his arms and does the "whatup" look? Awesome.

Alex: Acccept a hug from me. I've been living here for over 15 years now (homesick sigh!) and I still have "you're fuckin' kidding me" moments with Americans all the time. The really strange thing is that (no offense non-Bush voting Yanks) most people born and raised here find a lot of the stuff that makes me gape to be so completely normal that I end up asking myself if I'm the mad unreasonable one (yeah, I am but that's beside the point). An example: on Halloween or close to Christmas, 90% of people working in an office, regardless of their position will come to work wearing the most ridiculous sweaters you've ever seen. For Halloween, they will be orange with witches and pumpkins and black cats knitted in or sown on. For Christmas, they will be red and the skies the limit for the decorations: bells, elves, sparkles, trees with decorations hanging on them, etc. No-one seems to find this odd or strangely cultish. I used to work with a woman who had a different Christmas sweater for every day of the week and on one of them, the baubles on the knitted tree would blink and pulse. Almost everyone thought it was "cute" and seasonal. I wanted to have her committed and sent somewhere where she could do no harm to herself or others.

The explanation's fairly simple, PaddyDog: The American appetite for kitsch/tacky Has. No. Limit.

Sometimes it is self-aware, winking-at-ourselves kitsch, like an Elvis impersonator in a Santa suit. Sometimes it's straight from the heart, like a velvet painting of a bald eagle with a 3-D plastic tear falling from its eye (glitter optional). Maybe you have to be a native to tell the difference.

Keep this in mind when your co-workers' sartorial holiday observations start to frighten you: No. Limit.

The spam filter is preventing me from posing this link straight; so copy-paste if you are curious: http:// www.etsy.com /view_listing.php?listing_id=5258531 (take out the spaces). Please note: "Sold Out On 11.02.2007." Think that over.

PaddyDog: You think the holiday sweater phenomenon is bad in a cube farm, try working at an elementary school. Being employed in a kid-centric industry gives some people (and by people, I mean women), a perfect excuse to dress like retarded clowns, head-to-toe in holiday barf sweaters,turtlenecks, socks, and jewelry that blinks, glitters, jingles, and plays music.

Then again you should see what I've witnessed some mothers wearing when dropping off their kids in the morning. Made me wonder who worked the graveyard shift on the corner of Broad and Belvidere.

Personally, I am ecstatic about the notion of an awards show drought. I've become terribly weary of Hollywood fellating itself over and over again throughout the year. Televised awards shows are merely justification for the existence of stylists.

Jerce: How could you do that to me? My eyes are burning. No amount of alcohol will erase that image from my scarred brain. I was expecting a bad Christmas sweater but that was unspeakable. Sold out you say? I weep for mankind.

Jerce,

Was that honestly a throw pillow with W. and Jesus? Really? Someone please convince me that I was hallucinating, and it was just leftover hangover or some such thing.

Sidenote: The best Christmas party I have ever been to was this year when a friend threw an "Ugly Xmas Sweater" bash....to be let in to the party, you had to look as though christmas threw up on you.

The sad part? We all got drunk and proceeded to go to the bar, where we got hit on. I don't know how strong beer goggles are, but getting hit on while wearing a bright green sweater with christmas balls all over it, present shaped earrings and a light-up bow on my head was fucked up. People even complimented us on how festive and cute we looked.

So apparently the tacky has spread to Canada

I thought that douchebag Carson Daly had achieved the status of First Scab to break with the strike and was therefore getting back on the air... Maybe I heard wrong, but isn't the entire SGA/SAG community seriously pissed at him?

I am back from my horror induced nap. Thank you PaddyDog for showing me that I'm not the only one, I'll also take that hug now as I fear I may actually be still in a mild state of shock. I suppose if I undertake my intended migration in a few years' time (for yes, in my head I am some species of sea bird) I'm going to have to get used to it.

But still.

That really was a throw pillow with George W. and Jesus. Also: they are looking coquettishly over their shoulders at each other. Make of that what you will.

Jerce you are a bad, bad woman. The horror. The horror.

Although the description is comedy gold:
"Take a look at the pillow everyone is talking about! This artistic portrait pillow is intelligent in design , vibrant in color and plush in texture. Grab your collectors item and become the center of attention with your new GEORGE BUSH-JESUS PILLOW."

Sublime. Is it any wonder that it sold out in a mere two days?

Digression: It is, in fact, my method of dispelling any homicidal urges from the participants of our tense family gatherings: grab a crappy Sunday supplement and read out the description for the "stunning twelve inch porcelin figurine of a young Shepherdess, holding a small puppy, which opens up to reveal a bundle of small, gold leaf covered kittens adorably frolicking in a bed of roses. This stunning item plays the haunting fist six bars of the blue danube and has the incredibly meaningful and moving footprints poem (also in gold leaf) running around the base" which is the perfect gift to show your granddaughter how much you cherish her as the special star in the glittering night sky of life that she is. These readings must be done in the most sincere/ breathlessly excited voice possible.

Of course I find this much funnier than everyone else in the room and normally end up crying with laughter while everyone else looks on bemusedly... it does stop arguments though.

Which also goes to show that, although we may not be as rabidly patriotic as the Yanks, we Brits also have no fucking taste whatsoever.

This artistic portrait pillow is intelligent in design

Ah, they're so punny!! (At least, I'm assuming they did that on purpose...)

Jerce, why did you do that to us? I don't understand. I have lived in this country my whole life and I still do not understand why on Earth or Venus or Mars why anyone would want that.

Jerce- my life is now complete. Oh, by the gods, it does not get much more marvelously tacky than that.
Brilliant. I genuinely desire a few now, because they would make the most amazing WTF!gifts. Hee.

I am hoping there was a little bit of irony stitched into that pillow.. this (on the same site) made me feel a little bit better .... and that probably says a lot about me.

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=8695586

I can't believe that a Jesus/Georgy pillow induced me to actually finally contribute to this site...I normally just lurk and chortle.
On topic, the lack of the GGs saddens me a bit... watching TV in Brussels has few highlights, and the combination of dodgy frocks and drunken speeches gets me every time. Drat.

This may restore a little of your faith in American humour. Well, it made me laugh a bit. http: // www.etsy.com / view_listing. php?listing_id=8695586

I am conflicted by the fact that a Jesus and George pillow has drawn me from the lurking shadows into actually posting.
On topic, the lack of the GGs saddens me. I have a 24 hour flight ahead of me and was looking forward to trash-fash coverage to get me through the 1st 10 minutes at least... and the drunken speeches are also rather entertaining .. well, more so than most of what is on tv in Brussels, anyway.

I call shenanigans on the Jesus/Dubya Pillow. It looks photoshopped, and the person selling it isn't a registered eBay user. It looks more like a joke to me.

Maybe that is just wishful thinking. I, like Alex The Odd, do not want to believe that the apocalypse is that close.

AHAHAHAAHAAA... damn, if I'd known I could get a Jesus/Bush pillow for Gma for Christmas...

anyone hear the I-10 bit on NPR this morning where the lady from Sonorra TX (pop 2700) was bitching and moaning about how all them immigrants STOLE her ability to access social services, and when the interviewer (Rene Montaigne??) gently pointed out that in fact studies have shown that most illegal immigrants do not use social services of any kind, Ms. Sonorra got belligerent and pointed out all them FANCY CARS THEY DRIVE???

That's Texas for you.

I apologize to all you folks who were traumatized by my use of a visual aid while trying to explain American kitsch to a forner.

I would like to meekly point out that I did not create the Dubya and Jeebus Pals Pillow. I am not pure evil. I am merely somewhat evil for supplying the link. Please, stop crying. It'll be okay.

It's OK Jerce, the trauma will pass. Anyways, your intentions were noble. I can feel some of my cynicism returning to me like armour. I was able to view this and only mildly shudder:

http:// www.brooksandbentley.com/ p2_201519_ FOOTPRINTS%20IN%20THE%20SAND%20WATERGLOBE. htm

For those too lazy to visit the link:

"See how the enchanting figure of Jesus carrying a child captures the essence of this poem wtihin this alluring glass globe, as dazzling golden glitter shimmers with radiant splendour.
And finally, delight as heartfelt words from this tender poem are gracefully inscribed upon its base to treasure forevermore."

I'm sure I could find worse on the site but I'm pretty sure my eyes would melt.

And on that charming note I'm off to bed. If I dream of sad eyed puppies romping through the mists I'm going to fucking sue.. I don't know who exactly but somebody will have to pay.

Incidentally: I'm really sorry for being the catalyst behind this thread's hideous new direction. I'm truly sorry. I'll buy something gold plated and inset with glittering gems and a moving tribute to the grandmothers of the world to atone for it. Maybe.

I think one of the things I'm most pleased about with the whole "graduating high school and going off to college" thing is that I've left behind the people who wear the holiday sweaters and other awful garments. No one at my school would be caught dead in anything like that-- they're all getting high and fighting The Man, despite the fact that they all owe their extravagant lifestyles to The Man himself.

I actually had two teachers in highschool who would wear those hideous sweaters. One was my precalc teacher, who was badass as all Hell except for the bulky sweaters with pictures of kittens and puppies opening Christmas presents, and the other was a calc/drama teacher who had twenty-five heinous sweaters-- one for each day before Christmas, starting December 1.

I was always glad that the fall play ended in November, and that I never took her class.

If there aren't any GGs, what are Lisa and Joey up there at the top going to do?

Amyhooo, in keeping with this odd side conversation going on here today, my offering of a site that glorifies all things good n' god-fearin' that money can buy (remove the underscores):
http://www._goingjesus.com_/cavalcade/

Enjoy, y'allz

I had no idea who Letterman guest Ellen Page was until I searched Wikipedia for her name and realized she's that kid from X-Men & Juno. Also doing some girl-on-girl action here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jack_and_Diane_%28film%29

I used to know who people were at one time, as if it mattered to anyone else that the lead singer for Altered Images was also in one of my fav Xmas flicks, "Comfort & Joy" (also that film's director's 'Gregory's Girl"; whatever happened to that director? I must go back on Wiki)...

I had no idea who Letterman guest Ellen Page was until I wiki-searched for her name and realized she's that kid from X-Men & Juno.
I used to know who people were at one time, as if it mattered to anyone else that the lead singer for Altered Images was also in one of my fav Xmas flicks, "Comfort & Joy" (also that film's director's 'Gregory's Girl"; whatever happened to that director? I must go back on Wiki)...

Possibly the best tangent ye sandy vaginas have ever gone with one of my columns. God bless you, everyone.

A Jesus-Dubya pillow? Say it ain't so. Definitely tops the "Left Behind" video game [shudders].

Alabamapink: WORD on the sweaters. I'm working on my certification to teach high school, and it still stuns me just how many professors and elementary education majors in their twenties can be so kitschy. Do they think children find it cute?? It makes me want to cry.

Watch it Stella. Not all of us Texans are morons...Dan, where are you when I need you???

I do, however, realize that a large percentage of the population of my state tends toward blind adherence to quaint local customs.

Perhaps that explains why the University of Texas mascot is a steer named Bevo.

Rabbit225: I was mostly unimpressed with your link, until I got down to the rubber duckies.

The duckies top the pillow. You may quote me on that.

Holy shit, nativity ducks? Fuck. I need to go back to bed.

I am hoping there was a little bit of irony stitched into that pillow.. this (on the same site) made me feel a little bit better .... and that probably says a lot about me.
http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=8695586

HAHAHAHAHA!!! This comment track has had me rolling in my cubicle this morning. Did anyone notice the disclaimer at the bottom of this item?

"*(this felt bear will not actually eat your kids)"

Just in case...you know....you're worried about letting your kids play with it.

I'm with other commenters above....I'm glad the GG's aren't gonna be on. Maybe the Hollywood machine will finally realize that these awards shows are utter crap, and stop doing them altogether. Oh, who am I kidding?...

I am hoping there was a little bit of irony stitched into that pillow.. this (on the same site) made me feel a little bit better .... and that probably says a lot about me.
http:// www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=8695586

HAHAHAHAHA!!! This comment track has had me rolling in my cubicle this morning. Did anyone notice the disclaimer at the bottom of this item?

"*(this felt bear will not actually eat your kids)"

Just in case...you know....you're worried about letting your kids play with it.

I'm with other commenters above....I'm glad the GG's aren't gonna be on. Maybe the Hollywood machine will finally realize that these awards shows are utter crap, and stop doing them altogether. Oh, who am I kidding?...

Aw, thanks Seth (for some reason I feel bad about referring to a grown man I've never met as "Whore" so I hope you'll forgive over familiar usage of the first name), and to think: I normally feel bad about utterly hijacking a thread. You learn something new every day I guess.

I did indeed notice the disclaimer Shadows and it made me giggle. Although if you live in my house where stuffed animals regularly come to life and bleed with milk it is an important consideration to make.

OK, back to watching Akira. Who ever said TV had the power to warp impressionable minds was obviously a few sandwiches short of a picnic...

In an attempt to be semi-reverent to the holiday yet reflect our non-traditional religious views, my hubby and I got ourselves a snowman nativity set for our first Christmas living together when we were dating. Now married with a kid, I feel a bit of shame about it- hubby still loves it. So I feel I can throw no stones regarding a rubber duck version.

Baby girl has the Little People version. My favorite thing all season was her throwing poor Joseph in a bin of trucks so her Hulk figure could be Baby Jesus' Daddy. Hilarious.

Baby girl has the Little People version. My favorite thing all season was her throwing poor Joseph in a bin of trucks so her Hulk figure could be Baby Jesus' Daddy.

I am laughing out loud at my desk.

Even though I will never see them, I urge you to take pictures.