Pajiba

Good list. BUT...

Con Air is not a Michael Bay film, as much as it looks like one.

Like being beat to death with a codpiece.

That would actually be a delightful way to perish, as long as the codpiece belonged to Jareth the goblin king.

And I fucking love Bad Boys.

Con Air was directed by Simon West.

My sister and I have a thing for Con Air - mostly for Nicholas Cage's body in Con Air. Besides, it also has John Cusack wearing sandals + socks... Malkovich playing a psycho, Steve Buschemi playing himself... Mind-blowing dialogue:

Cindino: Cy...
Cyrus: Onara.

Eat that, Charlie Kauffman!

Seeing Joel Shitmaker on here made my day. Thank you.

I'm not usually a spelling/grammar nitpicker, because that's annoying as fuck, but which redeeming Adam Sandler movie are we talking about? Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison? I prefer the former.

I agree, Bad Boys is the shit. Flatliners is a classic - I still get freaked out by that red hoodie.

See, I have to disagree. Yes, Brett Ratner sucks hard, but there is something to be said for sitting through a few of his movies when you're hung over Sunday afternoons. They aren't completely irredeemable; certainly not as bad as Shankman or Robbins.

Also - Con Air is legitimately one of my favorite movies. Not ironically, either. I fucking love it.

I'll argue for a Paul W. S. Anderson, on this list.

AVP, MK, and Resident Evil

highlight: event horizon

problem: not a big body of work, really.

Can we trade "Bad Boys" for "The Rock", if only for Sean Connery, Ed Harris, Michael Biehn, and (yes) Nicholas Cage?

It was the film that taught me the best lesson about life since Conan The Barbarian's "What is best in life?" schtick: "Losers go home and whine about their best...winners go home and fuck the prom queen."

Something tells me Michael Bay knows about the former, due to personal experience.

I can happily say that I have only seen two of the movies listed. Good taste or luck, who knows?

I was wondering who could possibly knock Uwe Boll out of the number 1 slot and then I saw Friedberg and Seltzer.

Just wait until the three of them make 'Video Game Movie'

...you know it's coming.

I liked Red Dragon.

The number 1 reason that Con-Air is The Shit:

The Bunny.

Please don't touch it.

There's a "German Fried Movie?" Really?

Hey gang! Michael Bay here! Rumor on these here interwebs is that I was nominated for something on your site! Let's just take a look...

Oh... hah! Uhm... Yeah.

So, when did Tyler Perry start working for you douchebags?

i loved how the top two don't even get a mention of a possibility of redeeming films.

not even a NONE

they are hollywood's taint

The only director I have any love for on this list is Joel Schumacher. I absolutely adore and am massively creeped out by Flatliners, have a lot of warm fuzzy feelings towards Lost Boys, and even kinda-sorta liked...don't judge me!...Batman Forever. The soundrack was pretty cool and I was around eleven when it came out so I didn't know any better. It was nowhere near as awful as Batman & Robin, you have to admit that.

One other thing regarding Happy/Madison: I really loved those movies when I was in high school. REALLY loved them, as in watched them over and over (and over) again with my guy friends. I hadn't seen them for quite some time, so I rewatched them a couple of weekends ago, and you know what? Not that funny. Especially Billy Madison, which was my favorite of the two. Okay, well, I enjoyed the fact that I was still able to quote half of the movie, that was fun. But I just didn't really, truly laugh...

WHAAAATTTTT!!!???? Ready to Rumble was the shit!!!! Remember at the end, when there was the crotch kicking montage and they show Oliver Platt on the ground screaming "OH THE HUMANITY!!!!!" That was physical comedy on a Buster Keatonesque level. I can see Harold Lloyd nodding silent approval from the grave.

Seriously, I'd like to say that you can find 10 Sundance wannabes that would make better films, but the studios won't make them. They prefer the soft serve, ready to eat prefab bulldinky (yes, I said bulldinky) that what constitutes 90% of films out there.

Finally, the fact Tyler Perry isn't on this list is reverse racism at it's apex.

I demand Big Daddy be removed due to that movie being primarily responsible for anyone thinking Sandler was cool after the release of Wedding Singer/Waterboy. He's not.

Yes that's how you eat a piece of pizza. That doesn't make you cool.

Yes you like sports teams and watch them at a bar. That doesn't make you cool. There are many similar montages in this movie that attempt, and fail miserably, to portray coolness.

Were Adam Sandler my surrogate father, I would immediately call social services and tell them he had developed a crippling case of Hack, and to please send me back to Canada where the funny people live, dead mom or no.

Guh. Why did I watch those clips? Really... There is no reason, no justification for me watching those clips. Two of them actually made me angry. The YouTube Crocker thing? Really? Wasn't that already like a year old by the time this flick came out? Didn't everybody and their goddamed kid brother beat that dead horse for a full month after it came out? And yet, Meet The Spartans somehow thinks people will get a kick out of it? Piss on the economic bailout - every one of these directors should have to pay back the money they took to make these pieces of shit, the actors should have to return their salary, and people who actually paid to see them in theaters/purchase the DVDs should have to pony up twenty bucks. I myself have seen six of these films - who do I mail my $120 to?

Dear Michael Bay,

Suck it.

Love, Tyler Perry

Warning: this much concentrated suck may cause blood to shoot out of all the pores and orifices in your head.

Why worry about the LHC when these black holes wield more financial weight that half the countries in the world?

Okay, maybe I am wrong but isn't it Phone BOOTH? Not that it matters; movie's craptasticness still remains.

And Red Dragon is well-acted and entertaining. MUCH better than poopy, unnecessary Hannibal. Thank you very much.

Adam Shankman has also been stinking up the judge's table on So You Think You Can Dance with his gibberings.

The fact that these movies even exist is enough to make me cry.

6! Skitt... I'm embarrassed for you. I'll just send you the address.
And I really need the cash... Don't do the whole, Oh haha college kid with no money routine. I am beyond that point. I am so poor that there is talk of reinstating Debtor's Prisons solely for my use.

And did Barbado's Phil just make a real comment? And he doesn't like Paul W. S. Anderson

No Tyler Perry? boo.
And I unabashedly adore ConAir. In How To Lose Friends and Alienate People, Simon Pegg professes it's the best movie ever made...You got John Malcovich for the acting, Nic Cage for the action, John Cusack for the gays, and Steve Buscemi for the funny...
which isn't necessarily an explanation of why I enjoy it so, but an adequate one as to why others might. I would have said Nic Cage for the awesomely hilarious and Steve Buscemi for the just plain awesome, but whatever.

Two things:

1) I didn't know it was possible to be less talented than Michael Bay, and

2) I love Jingle All The Way, but you already knew that. No, I still don't really know why, but I love it and laugh my ass off every time I watch it. I'm not saying it was well-directed, but I still love it. So there.

Wait, why is John Cusack "for the gays", jamiepants?

*remembers massive man-crush on Cusack*

Oh. Right.

And did Barbado's Phil just make a real comment?

Different Phil, Optimus. Barbado's sound master doesn't speak. He expresses himself via soundtrack.

BWeaves, I was thinking the same thing... is it the same idea as Kentucky Fried Movie? Only really really crappy, 'cause it's Uwe Boll?

Rowles I'm in shock, no Tyler Perry and no Spike Lee among your list of the ten worst directors working in Hollywood. I'm going to lift the fatwa I had on you.

The only director on the list I don't agree with, is Michael Bay. I love his movies. He does bombastic/insane better then anyone.
George Lucas or Ron Howard should have taken his space on the list.

Not going to lie: I'm absolutely shocked you guys left off Roland Emmerich.

The list:
Universal Soldier
Stargate
Godzilla
The (*************) Patriot
The Day After Tomorrow
10,000 BC

Redeeming Film: Independence Day (I think most people have it on their guilty pleasures list).

Its like a hit for hit of the worst big-budget movies of the last twenty years. Thoughts, Pajibans?

I'm emerging from lurkdom to sing the praises of Joel Schumacher's brilliantly awful DC Cab. The cast is unstoppable. The script? Amazing. Exhibit A:
"Samson: Why don't you get off the street and get a decent job?
Hooker In Mr. T's Cab: Cause I need the bread!
Samson: Then get a job at the bakery." He had me at Hooker In Mr. T's Cab...

oh god, The Benchwarmers gave me PTSD. chrissake.

Where in the holy fuck is Eli Roth on this list???

Cabin Fever, the Hostels, his role in Death Proof, all atrocious. Sure he doesn't have as many movies as a lot of these douchetards but I think this is a lack of quality vs lack of quantity situation. As much as I fucking HATE Brett Ratner I have to say at least his movies are COMPETENT. They piss me off by just being mediocre. Unlike Roth's which make me want to put him in an industrial microwave and set it to defrost so I can more enjoy him turning into a puddle right before my very eyes.

Fuck him. The lack of Eli Roth on this list immediately makes the entire thing suspect. I call Shenanigans on this!

I can't help but love Cabin Fever. It is completely hilarious.

PANCAKES!

Not that I thought it was a super great film, but I wouldn't fault Adam Shankman for Hairspray. I'd call it redeeming, bizarre as the film was.

And hey - if Paul Haggis isn't on this list, then I feel bad for these ten.

Also - I kind of really liked Transformers. ::Film degree bursts into flame::

Hey now, let's not start giving taints a bad name by associating them w/these talentless hacks.

At least taints serve a useful function.

These directors don't.

Love the taint because, sometimes, separation is necessary.

YES, TylerDFC, Eli Roth should be at number one.
BUT - I hope that rat bastard Levant gets strung up by his balls by a group of crazed mothers, such as myself, for making the most unwatchable ignorant shit I have ever seen. Flintstones? My God, please just stick forks in my eyes. Are We There Yet? Please, after the forks stick a gun in my mouth. But Problem Child 2..for this he should eat the balls we string him up from. Worst. Movie. Ever. It's MY job to teach my kids to act like ignorant assholes, not his. Fucker.

Okay, agree, disagree, that one is meh, that one was okay...fine...

CAN WE PLEASE NOT STICKY THE IMAGE OF FUCKING EDDIE MURPHY IN A FUCKING FAT SUIT AT THE VERY TOP OF THE PAGE? Every time I reload, I want to puke. And not in a good way this time.

...wait...that's way too much information. Not in a good way...uhh...set to salsa!

"Imagine sitting through an entire Celine Dion concert, only to discover that in the finale, Dion herself explodes and you are gored by her left arm"

or she calls you up on stage and makes you dance like her bitch a la bruce springsteens dancing in the dark while your all friends video it for youtube.

But Shadows, I think just one of those gigantic pink breasts might be bigger than my entire body, and that is endlessly fascinating to me. I mean, how many yards of fabric do you think it took to make that bra? I'm guessing at least four. And what's the underwire made out of? Rebar? I don't think ordinary fabric like satin would have the requisite tensile strength for this sort of... uhh... situation. Do you think it's Teflon? I wonder if it's bulletproof? I suppose it actually doesn't matter, since I'm betting you could launch a missile at his chest and it still wouldn't penetrate more than halfway through one of those suckers. The shrapnel would probably be pretty goddamn nasty, though. How much do you think that suit weighs? I bet it's a lot. I think he could've carried a whole person around in a Baby Bjorn strapped to his chest and had fewer ensuing back problems. How many hooks do you think there are in the clasp on the back of that bra? They're probably not even ordinary hooks, either. I bet they're, like, grappling hooks or something.

Holy shit... I gotta go. I need to drink at least 32 ounces of hard liquor and force myself to shut the fuck up by passing out.

Sarina, my hot little poptart...you have officially popped your top. You are either drinking too much, or not enough...I forget how it works with you. In any case, you are not drinking the proper amount to ensure that you never, ever, ever get into a self-discourse about the virtues and flaws of a FUCKING EDDIE MURPHY FAT SUIT!

Well, it's really the bra that's fascinating me more than the actual fat suit itself. I bet you could totally make a papasan chair out of one of those bra cups.

...more liquor? Yes, sir.

Let's see, we got gin, vodka, bourbon, and this 1977 Glenlivet. And this big ole bucket with a funnel to mix it all together.

That sounds revolting. I'll have a double.

tt_marie,, this is for you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qq_2GOoFaXE

1) Leave the Glenlivet behind, grab the Talisker.

2) I saw STARGATE for the first time a couple of weeks ago. It wasn't the worst thing I've seen. I didn't particularly care about what was happening, or take the greatest of pains to...pay attention. But I got a lot of free candy out of the deal, and who among us can say that would put my day on the credit side of the ledger? I thought it had a half-decent reputation, anyway. And what about that part at the end, where the villain turned out to have been Boy George the whole time? I was surprised.

Who cares? What I'll mainly remember is the Aqua Teen connection.

Emory and Oglethorpe getting stoned while the Universal Remonster did their bidding via the 'Fargate'. Come on, that was funny stuff. They had T-shirts with a mohawked Powerpuff Girl in a wheelchair, then make inquires about corn chips!

Hmm, now that I think about it I already don't remember STARGATE at all past the requisite 'black guy dies' scene. What was it about, again?

Also, doesn't it make you sad to see the Aqua Teens in their current sorry state? We get the episodes way later in Canada, but I had a chance to see the fifth season earlier this month...I don't know, guys. There were some good moments, don't get the wrong idea. In fact, I might watch Master Shake dance around with that Boost Mobile phone to get me through these flu doldrums, and 'I Like Your Booty, But I'm Not Gay' is an outstanding song title. But overall? Any thoughts on this from people who can breathe with both nostrils?

The only reason RED DRAGON may have some redeeming qualities is because RATner ripped Michael Mann off biiiiig time. Watch Manhunter if you want to see that same story told effectively. Also, it has William Peterson.

Material for the bra?
Kevlar. With spray paint.

Good call on the rebar underwires.

Hooks? Cruise your local Home Despot for something suitable.....

/seamstress mode

FUCK YOU PAJIIIIIIBA...SHIAJIIIIIIIIBA.

I am known, FUCK IT I ...PRIDE myself on the sense of balance and fairness that I bring to this ...this WRETCHED... hive of SCUM and ELECTRONIC VILLAINY.

I DEMAND that you include George Lucas, and his fat neck, on this list.

COCKSUKERS! I'm gonna have to samueljackon this motherfucker... PHIL ?....PHIIIIIIIL !?!?!?!?!?

*CUE SOMETHIN'*

Sand bagged me on Lucas huh? I guess you think you taught the teacher a lesson that the tail can wag the dog huh? Well let me clue you in, pal. The ice is melting right underneath your feet.
[punches Rowles and grabs him by the coattails]

Did you think you could've gotten this far this fast with anyone else, huh? That you'd be out there dicking someone like Darien? No. You'd still be cold calling widows and dentists tryin' to sell 'em bullsit movies. I took you in.
*hits him again*

I opened the doors for you! Showed you how the system works! The value of information! How to *get it*! MIRAMAX, DISNEY resources! And this is how you fucking pay me back you COCKROACH?!

I GAVE you Darien. I GAVE you your manhood. I gave you EVERYTHING! You could've been one of the great ones Buddy. I looked at you..... and saw myself.

YOU DISAPPOINT ME ...ROWLES...you KNEW, Lucas should've been here.

My only complaint is that Joel Schumacher isn't number one with a bullet. I hate his films with the red-hot burning passion of a thousand exploding suns. His "vision" filmaking-wise is utterly corrupt. He has all the depth of a child's blow-up wading pool. I'd say he's an un-talented hack, but that would hurt the feelings of the other directors on the list.

In fact, I'd rather be forced to watch the worst of EACH of the other directors' films rather than sit through one minute of Schumacher crapola.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting him on the list. I was beginning to think I was alone out here.

Ugh, what the fuck, Dustin??!! That image up there is disgusting. For once I'm glad I don't read the site at the office. NOT COOL, man.

Man, I love Tigerland so effing much that I always forget it's a Joel Schumacher film. How did that happen? He must have a talented director buried deep inside him.

I also - and I can't believe I'm about to admit this - really loved Phone Booth, but I know better than to ever say it's a good movie. Sometimes, though, I just want to lay on my couch and watch Colin Farrell scream obscenities at Kiefer Sutherland's disembodied voice for 80 minutes. *shrug*

Re: Joel Schumacher's redeeming features.

No love for D-Fens, not even a mention?

So my best friend's older brother was in Marine boot camp right before all the Iraq shit started (thank sweet Diet Mt Dew Jesus it was before), and they had to watch The Rock as a reward for fake killing super fantastic awesome or whatever. So like half way through he says he literally couldn't take any of it any more, it pushed him over the edge, and he went to his commanding officer and came out to him. No shit. True story. He left the Marines. Michael Bay saved his life.

Can I just ask...what exactly is reverse racism? Is that where you love everybody of every race so much that you go around impregnating women of different colours and cultures, so you can beat Angelina Jolie at her "rainbow family" game?

Is it like Pokemon? Gotta get them all? No, it's gotta catch them all, isn't it? I think that's Paris Hilton's philosophy that applies to STDs.

And would I be excused from the death penalty, if I killed my mother because she chuckled at a Epic Movie ad on TV? I mean, you can't just blame Gen Y for those Friedberg and Selzter fuckers.

And do you reckon that chubby chasers get turned on by Eddie Murphy in a fat suit?

I read an article in this British magazine about men who hire obese women to sit on them, like on their stomachs or backs (not on their faces), because they get turned on by the fat. I'm just wondering, if you're getting crushed by a women sitting on your back, and you get a woodie, would you crush your penis?

I might take up the sitting job as a career, I'll just eat more, and move to England.

WTF, nobody has mentioned Robot Chicken's "Michael Baysplosions" trailer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKjA_j--0IQ

Steven Brill is making a hard charge at this list. Give him time.

I admit I have seen both phone booth and red dragon and liked them. the rest is actually crap.

Oh man! I agree.
But you should put Schumacher on number 10. He's got Tigerland and it's good.

And number one for me is ROBBINS with his shitty comedies for Eddie Murphy. WTF??? Just let his career die or just let him talk like an ass ... and participate in the Shrek movies too.

And number 2 has to be DUGAN. I hate every Adam Sandler movie! He's annoying as hell! The only way his movies could be worse is if they mix d. Cook with him and make us diEEEEE while vomiting when we're supposed to be laughing

I am only commenting because, unlike Nicole at the top, I do correct people, but only ones that choose to incorrectly try to correct people. Happy Madison is Sandler's production company. It was not a mistake.

Here are my disagreements:
-Joel Schumacher, while he has made hideous films, did not do a bad job with The Phantom of The Opera. Strong cast, and great for fans of the musical. I definitely think it was better than Flatliners, which I thought was extremely slow.
-I know it's cool to hate on Michael Bay these days, but to be honest, I liked The Island. A lot. Maybe it's the Ewan McGregor fan in me.
-I agree that Shankman belongs here, but Hairspray was not a bad film.
-Okay, maybe this is just me, but I thought Good Burger was funny. I still watch it sometimes. Guilty pleasure.
-As for Brett Ratner, most of those movies are terrible, especially X-Men 3, but I bet the first time you saw the first two Rush Hour movies, you laughed. Probably a lot. And I thought Red Dragon was an awesome movie, to be honest. No Silence of the Lambs, but much better than Hannibal.
-Finally, I can't see how you can make this list and not include Terry Gilliam, Hollywood's most overrated and ridiculous director, who has made some of the worst films I have ever seen, from The Brothers Grimm to Time Bandits to Tideland. He makes no use of great actors. Even 12 Monkeys gets grating on second and third viewings. I haven't seen Brazil, but if it's anywhere near as shitty as the rest of his movies, I will seal him in the top three worst directors whose movies I've seen (Friedberg and Selzer will always be at the top, those monsters).

Doesn't Joel Schumacher get 'Falling Down' as one of his redeeming films? It's really quite good (and somewhat ahead of its time).

You forgot Roland Emmerich. He is the worst of them all.
Besides, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer don't count, they don't take filmmaking seriously.

See ya

Uwe Boll should have been closer to #1 if not actually at #1. This guy really needs to find another profession. His movies make Ed Wood look like Spielberg! He has yet to make a movie that wasn't a total piece of shit. If you want to absolutely and irrevocably ruin ANY storyline or plot...Boll's your guy. Sitting through his movies is about as enjoyable as watching a troup of 400 pound, unshaven female impersonators in thongs lap dance on you.