The Daily Trade Round-Up / Dustin Rowles
So, it looks like the Jackass men, having gone over a year without shoving something into their asses, have a sudden thirst for anal penetration again. Indeed, Steve-O let slip last week that a third Jackass flick is in the works. Those poor, poor closeted men must yet again resort to childish pranks and dangerous stunts in order to experience the genuine thrill of man-on-man love (or, rather, man-in-man love). So, the gang is going to get back together and, from what I understand, they are going to make the third installment, bigger, better, and more penetrative. There’s a rumor — and seriously, it’s just a rumor, I don’t know how these things get started, but I blame Brett Ratner — that in the third film, they are actually going to launch Wee Man from a canon and into Steve-O’s backside. One cast member actually gets a perforated intestine in this one. Personally, I just hope that in Jackass: Number Three, those boys will just come right out and admit that the reason they drink animal ejaculate and fill the void in their anal cavities is because they all, in fact, love one another. Deeply and intensely. If, in the summer of 2008, we can finally bring (somewhat abusive) gay relationships to mainstream audiences, perhaps we can begin to move past the sort of hand-drawn gay caricatures that Adam Sandler and Kevin James are still mired in.
And before I move on, let me just direct you to the memorable quotes section on IMDb for Jackass: Number Two. Sure, sure — I like to mock them for the homoerotic undertones, but, come on: Here’s a sample of five quotes from the movie, and tell me it doesn’t sound like gay porn:
Johnny Knoxville: Rectal bleeding… another first for Jackass.Johnny Knoxville: If your asshole can’t see the camera, the camera can’t see your asshole.
Dave England: Oh God! Oh… Oh… Oh God!… my ass hurts so fucking bad!
April Margera: Oh my God, you had the cutest butt ever, why did you have to go around and ruin it?
Bam Margera: I didn’t, Dick Farm Dunn did.Steve-O: I’m Steve-O, and sorry, Dad, but no one’s gonna miss this for the world. This is the Butt Chug.
The evidence, folks, is overwhelming.
And speaking of Kevin James, he’s writing, starring in and producing a film entitled Mall Cop. Of course, he’s not directing, because it’s the one major filmmaking role that you can’t completely bumble your way through (though, Brian Robbins would beg to differ). Granted, I have an inexplicable fondness for James, and I actually think that a comedy centered on a mall cop has some John Hughesian potential — if Ben Folds can write a song about a mall cop, then Kevin James ought to be able to write a film about one (though, there’s a reason Folds’ “Rent-A-Cop” is a b-side). But, any — and I mean any — potential this movie might have had basically evaporated the second I learned that it will be produced by Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison productions, which of course means that Sandler’s regulars will dominate the bit parts (Rob Schneider, Allen Covert, Peter Dante, a few “SNL” cast-offs and, if we’re lucky, John Turturro). The flimsy, one-joke premise (Happy Madison’s forte) is that a mild-mannered cop is suddenly thrust into action when a band of thieves take over the mall. Chances are, Kevin James will also get a completely unrealistic, one-note love interest like, say, Sienna Miller (too bad it won’t be Johnny Knoxville).
In case you hadn’t heard, Jackie Chan wrote on his blog this week that he wasn’t a fan of the Rush Hour films he made with Chris Tucker and Bret Ratner (the sole source of all the world’s ills). In fact, he wrote of Rush Hour 3: “I spent four months making this film and I still don’t fully understand the humor.” You and me both, brother. You and me both.
But, speaking of bad Asian-influenced American flicks and Jackie Chan, this next item is almost too embarrassing to have to write, but there are actual reports floating in these here interwebs — reports so plentiful that I can no longer disbelieve them — that there will be a Karate Kid remake. And before you reach for the rape-your-childhood punchline too quickly, it gets worse. So much worse. So very much worse. It will be directed by Will Smith. Now, I have absolutely nothing against Will Smith, mind you — in fact, as far as working big-time blockbuster movie studs go, he’s totally top five. And sure, maybe he’s got some talent behind the camera, but that’s not why he’s making this movie. He’s making it because he wants his nine-year-old son, Jaden, to play the lead (and reports suggest that Jackie Chan will further degrade himself by playing Mr. Miyagi). Seriously: I think that Mr. Smith has been hanging with the Cruises too long; this is the sort of dumbass vanity project that Tom would resort to. I’m completely embarrassed for Mr. Smith. Don’t be that guy, Will. The guy that foists his own son into the business to feed your own ego. Damn.
In today’s trailer watch, I actually have two: One of my own, and one by request. A reader, Gabrielle, suggested that we run the trailer for the big-screen adaptation of one of The Greatest Books of our Generation: The Kite Runner, which arrives later this fall. It looks modestly decent, though the trailer suggests that the film will have a difficult time evoking the tenor of the novel, but since Marc Forster (Stranger Than Fiction, Finding Neverland) is directing, I’m all too willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. However, Gabrielle also pointed me to this story, which I’ll let you all peruse and form an opinion yourself.
And then there is the trailer for Martian Child and it, like the aforementioned Will Smith’s The Pursuit of Happyness looks predictable, formulaic, and manipulative as all hell, but goddamn the last 30 seconds of this trailer make my heart ache. John Cusack in the role of a father: I am your bitch. Damn you, Ratner.
Pajiba Love 10/01/07 | | Eight Films That Shouldn't Have Won Best Picture |
Comments
I'm PissBoy and welcome to Jackass! Today...John Cusack is gonna tattoo his name on my ass and I'll be giddy the whole time.
John Cusack, I will never doubt thee. But I will never forgive you for 'Must love Dogs.' Tattoo away sir. Just don't fill my rectal canal.
Posted by: PissBoy at October 2, 2007 8:23 AM
About Martian Child: John and Joan Cusack could make an entire movie about them fixing sandwiches for their lunch and I'd still keep a close countdown to the opening date.
Posted by: Renee at October 2, 2007 8:49 AM
Doesn't something have to be 'erotic' before it can be 'homoerotic'? I can think of a lot of words to call Jackass stunts (when they do horrible violence to themselves I call it 'hilarious') but I've never watched Jackass and thought "wow man, that's really hot."
Also, John Cusack is the dad in "Grace is Gone" too, isn't he? John as concerned dad in not one, not two, but three (1408) movies for your viewing pleasure this year.
Posted by: twig at October 2, 2007 8:57 AM
So I take it that you're not jiggy with it?
Posted by: Agent Scully at October 2, 2007 9:05 AM
HA! I TOLD you guys Smith is trying to push his smarmy little kid on us way back when Pajiba reviewed that crapfest he released some months back.
Ugh.
*cue Jackass intro*
We are: Johnny Knoxville, Chris Pontious, Steve-O Wee Man....and we are raving homos.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 2, 2007 9:20 AM
I'm sorry. I was going to comment. And it was going to be witty and sparkling and everything...
...but I just can't focus on anything other than John Cusack as Concerned Father. My notepad is filled with little doodles of floating hearts containing "JC + ATO 4 EVA". I think I may have just gotten over the Identity debacle.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some daydreaming to do.
Posted by: Alex the Odd at October 2, 2007 9:59 AM
My name is Joe, and I'm John Cusack's bitch.
Posted by: Joe at October 2, 2007 10:25 AM
Jackass? Mallcop? Will Smith directing the fucking Karate Kid? HAPPY MADISON?
There was not one iota of good news here.
*curls up and weeps softly in the corner*
Posted by: TK at October 2, 2007 10:35 AM
John Cusack has a free pass for life as far as I'm concerned. Why?
Better Off Dead
Grosse Point Blank
"....Two dollars. Sorry I haven't got a dime; didn't ask for a dime...two dollars...."
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 2, 2007 10:36 AM
Don't forget about Steve Buscemi in the list of Sandler's regulars...
Posted by: Hallsy at October 2, 2007 10:47 AM
It is about time that the Kite Runner movie is getting some attention. I am at least glad that the director and casting people are using acutal Afghanis to play the parts in the movie.
The rest of this info is straight up soul killing.
Posted by: Melody at October 2, 2007 12:52 PM
You know, the whole "rape your childhood" thing-- just ain't funny. Memories and experiences--these things cannot be 'raped', therefore the word should not be used in this context as an easy reference point to make people laugh, it shouldn't be used as the 'setup to an easy punchline', treating the word as such is incredibly naive of you. I thought you were better than that.
Posted by: Genevieve at October 2, 2007 1:36 PM
Oh no, not again.
Posted by: twig at October 2, 2007 1:48 PM
I couldn't get through the Kite Runner trailer without getting teary. There's no way I could watch the whole movie. The book was gut wrenching enough.
Another discussion on the use of the term rape? *snooze* Maybe this should be addressed in the Pajiba "about" section, along with the joy of using various forms of the word douchebag.
Posted by: katy at October 2, 2007 2:05 PM
My time for Cusack healing came after I saw 1408. I came to terms with myself, and was able to forgive him for Identity AND Must Love Dogs.
Now I can live a happy and normal life.
Posted by: citizen_cris at October 2, 2007 2:05 PM
So begins the Feminazi Battle of the Month!
By the way, doesn't the latin root for rape simply mean "to seize or despoil"; meaning a memory and/or experience could be raped?
Posted by: Unfound1 at October 2, 2007 2:05 PM
He's making it because he wants his nine-year-old son, Jaden, to play the lead
Okay, wasn't part of the charm of the first film having a 30-year-old Ralph Macchio who could actually pull off the role of a displaced, put-upon 16-year-old? This isn't a film about a ten-year-old. Where's the Elizabeth Shue romance going to come from? Creepy Uncle Zeke?
You know, the whole "rape your childhood" thing-- just ain't funny. Memories and experiences--these things cannot be 'raped', therefore the word should not be used in this context as an easy reference point to make people laugh, it shouldn't be used as the 'setup to an easy punchline', treating the word as such is incredibly naive of you. I thought you were better than that.
Oh, my stomach hurts over this nonsense. No, the comment is not funny, but that's because it's not funny. The word "rape" is a collection of four letters. It does not make anything more or less funny by itself; it also is not off-limits if it happens to work in context.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at October 2, 2007 3:01 PM
George Lucas RAPED me....err...figuratively, my childhood geek experiences.
That's just the way it is,AND I'm not apologizing for sayin' that.
Suck on THAT padre.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 2, 2007 3:25 PM
See? When B-Slim uses it in the context of George Lucas, who is known to have an unhealthy fondness for the tender childhood memories of conservative internet commenters . . . funny!
BTW, Slim, where's your stalker these days?
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at October 2, 2007 3:51 PM
socalledonlycousins: hehehehehe, hopefully, it got itself one of those "lives" everyone keeps talking about.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 2, 2007 4:09 PM
I actually liked the trailer to Martian Child. I saw a similar one recently after that I was slow to like about a kid with parents who are heavily involved with music. Of course, any possible hope of the movie being decent even in a cheesy over the top kind of way went crashing down as I saw Robin Williams appear and then suddenly the kid is shown "wailing" away on a guitar. I don't think I've ever lost more faith in a movie as quickly as I did right then. The Martian Child trailer at least held up all the way through so I still have hope for that one.
Posted by: mb at October 2, 2007 5:02 PM
Unfound1-
You know what OTHER word I find to be objectionable? Feminazi.
I'm sorry if it somehow makes you uncomfortable to discover that things you might be able to shrug off and laugh over aren't so easily digestible to other people but MAYBE you should step back and examine the fact that other people don't like having their REAL experiences made into other peoples' punchlines.
And BarbadoSlim, however much I agree with you on the latter work of George Lucas', no, I will not "suck that."
Posted by: Genevieve at October 2, 2007 6:19 PM
Fine, then no one can make jokes about pain-in-the-ass or nagging mothers any more, because I had an abusive mother who made my life a living hell until I was old enough to slap the snot out of her stupid bitch face (that literally happened -- I can still picture the snot mid-air) and walk out of that hellhole. I can't imagine a more painful thing than living the first 18 years of one's life in a constant state of fear over something that is out of one's own control.
That experience colors every moment of my existence, so I'm telling all of you that you may no longer make any humorous or snarky comments about a controlling or abusive parent, even when you're using it as a metaphor for something else. It doesn't matter that you're not referring to my situation, all that matters is that whenever that subject is brought up, it makes me uncomfortable. To hell with what you feel like talking about.
Now, back to the fun website chatter! Enjoy!
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at October 2, 2007 7:25 PM
So, would this be a good time for me to tell the joke about the rapist, the abusive mother and the feminazi? No? Okay, I'll come back later.
Posted by: JP at October 2, 2007 8:36 PM
JP: Heeeeeeeeee!
Do they walk into a bar? Is there a sexually-compromised duck involved?
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at October 2, 2007 8:45 PM
Hmmm....I think I may be the only one on the planet who prefers Joan over John. I know her "quirkiness" bothers many, but I think she's adorable and would watch just about anything she's in. *shrugs*
Posted by: Daphne at October 2, 2007 11:38 PM
Hmmm....I think I may be the only one on the planet who prefers Joan over John. I know her "quirkiness" bothers many,
But does her quirkiness always have to be expressed with weird hair, as in Working Girl and Runaway Bride? Anyway, I like them both but ... what role is Joan playing in the movie? In any other trailer I would have assumed that the female actress playing next to a widower would be the love interest??
And if we are being humorless about rape, what about that crop with the pretty yellow flowers. I wouldn't mind if we changed the pronunciation there. In German it's called rap seed, which has slightly less negative connotations.
Also I had problems loading the aol video and had to go to youtube to find another copy of the trailer. Do you have to use aol?
Posted by: ChrisD at October 3, 2007 5:19 PM
But does her quirkiness always have to be expressed with weird hair, as in Working Girl and Runaway Bride?
Hee hee hee, that's about fucking right. It's like the director is thinking, "Ok, people may not get that she's quirky just by her character tics. So . . . it's either weird hair . . . or jazz hands. Who wants weird hair?" [*crew votes*] "Who wants jazz hands?" [*crew votes again*] "Jazz hands it is!" [*studio execs intervene, kick director in nuts*] "Oooph . . . ok, we're going with weird hair."
I love both of them and can't wait to see them. They don't have a lifetime pass for me, but they still have plenty of quarters left.
Posted by: socalledonlycousins at October 3, 2007 8:21 PM
SoCalled, you just made my day. I fell off my chair laughing. But damn, is there ever a situation that could not be "made better" by the indiscriminate use of jazz hands?
Posted by: rudy at October 4, 2007 11:28 AM
i'm so happy about Jackass 3! and that's not sarcasm, i rarely differ from a pajibopinion, but you guys look too hard into the stunts. ok fine, them doing wierd shit means their gay, I don;t even feel like typing up how wrong that is, so i'll agree with it. so just let it go...and watch the fucking movie...and then laugh.
and is the Cusack one Big Daddy 2?
Posted by: MAx at October 5, 2007 2:33 AM
