Pajiba

Oh my dear sweet lord, Stace. I had a FEELING this was the SHITE you were talking about. GAH!!!!!!

I'm actually rather surprised at how calm this review sounds. But then again, the calm before the crazy storm, right?? Are we going to be subjected to the ramifications with today's Love?? Oh god, Stacey, I mean, I'm about to hop an e-saver just so I can put a wooden spoon between your teeth before you bite oof your own tongue, hold you down so you don't get a head injury, and call in the Pajambulance.

I am sure more people will read this review than go see this movie.

BUT--Please, for the love of God, if you or anyone you know is even tempted to see this tripe, please just give your money to a local charity. It will be much better spent and you will feel all the more better for it.

Hilton's character is named Christabelle?! I'm sorry, did I stumble into a review of the latest Harlequin romance novel, Pirates with Huge Packages Part: Infinity?

Jesus, Stacy; you actually reviewed this? I didn't think that someone on Pajiba would go through the torture. Were you sober?

Ok...go lie down. Eat something. You had to have lost some brain cells. Then go to the nearest ER and tell them what you saw. That admission alone should be worth a morphine drip.

Christine Lakin...damn. I guess the Step by Step paychecks have dried up.

This film is sad. It's beyond sad. It's...I don't even have a word for it. But I applaud you for sitting through it. Seriously. That takes courage.

She HAD to have funded this mess herself, RIGHT???

And can we all agree to not use her vile name in this comment thread?

[spits on hand, offers for collective shake]

Ok, so she's got her shit album and her shit movie and her shit book and her shit TV show.

All that's left is the QVC jewelry line. Right?

A few things:
1) Who remembers anyone they have not seen since first grade? That's just dumb.
2) Christabelle is an idiotic name.
3) I'm so glad this movie is tanking. Not that Hilton will put an end to her "acting career". She's too vain to take the hint. But I'm still gleaning some satisfaction from the fact that the public isn't falling for this crap.

... and boo dude, wash that hand.

(that goes for all you all pajiboys.)

Apparently, the Hottie and the Nottie website allows you to sign up to get text message alerts about the movie AND a call from Paris Hilton!

hey hey hey twiggy, I resent that!

I'm not shakin' anything clean near this bitch. Also, I am a she.

I've been waiting for this review, and I must agree that it's remarkably restrained for the hell that hath preceded it.

Pajiba: We sniff for bombs so you don't have to!

ugh...spasming with digust just from reading the review....I can't imagine actually seeing the movie. You're right....the "hottie" should just keep her bad acting restricted to sex tapes...

I'll shake on that, boo. Don't we have a create nickname for her, along the lies of Rainbow Killer?

Boo, I'll shake on that. We'll need to come up with a nickname for Ms. ___ that's as glorious as Rainbow Killer. Might I suggest something with the word "crusty"?

Shadows: ha! Great minds...

What about Her Crusty Vileness?

Hee! Crusty McScabies?

boo, my bad. The only boo I know of is a tiny winged hamster, so I kind of rolled the dice.

Her Crusty Vileness does have a nice ring to it.

I haven't seen any trailers for this movie. I only knew it was about to open when Joel McHale made a joke about it on The Soup (he also referenced her expert ability to maintain a dead-eyed stare no matter the scene).

Anyway, I'm sorry you had to see this. I hope you were able to wash the sick off with a shopping spree and an Orange Julius.

Of course, you can probably guess how this bullshit farce ends -- with June getting a gradual, grand-scale makeover until she becomes amazingly attractive enough that Nate decides he wants to be with her instead, instilling the kind of moral you'd expect from a Paris Hilton movie: That beauty on the inside is meaningless until you're pretty on the outside as well.

What did you expect? It's Paris Hilton. St least people were motivated watching her die in House of Wax to pay a ticket.

haha, Julie...stop copying me! Something with crusty is perfectly fine with me.

Ole Crusty One-eye?

...or Crusty Cock Coater?

(I just LOVE alliteration.)

For you pajiba reviewers: do you ever get into grand and wonderful pitying conversations with those that sell and or rip your tickets? Cause I can only image the expressions you'd get when buying THIS one.

So . . . much . . . to . . . get . . . out.

First things first: Crust-abelle!

who cock-blocks every guy that tries to get near Cristabelle, which is evidently half of L.A.

So this is reality-based? Except for the "blocking" part, I mean.

Accepted, Boo.

$25k gross as of yesterday -- that's only one dollar for every five cocks that have not been blocked from a close encounter with Pestilence (those of you paying attention will know what that means).

And now that the much-sought-after buzz has died down (in much the same way that Patricia Clarkson's horn-dog lust for me has died down), I sense that the financial performance will tail off even more. Awesome.

Some suggestions:

Napalm vagina
Wonky-eyed dicknose
Darwin award in training
Her Royal Sagginess
Voted most likely to resemble a praying mantis
Boobs are my only intellectual currency

boo, my bad. The only boo I know of is a tiny winged hamster, so I kind of rolled the dice.

Hark! Is that a megatokyo reference?

Bwa! And EW. And hell yes, alliteration is my favorite literary tool.

Cum Coated Crusty Cooch?

...too long :)

Crustabelle McLazyLid? Referring to The Eye of course.

I'm not ordinarily one for making fun of people with physical deformities, but given the subject, can't we all agree that it's fine to mock the physical deformity of someone who agrees to be called "The Hottie" in a movie?

All that unearned money, all that ill-gotten and undeserved fame, all that 'tude -- BUT YOU'VE STILL GOT A LAZY EYELID YOU WORTHLESS STAIN-HOLE IN THE WORLD!

oh socalled, she did that dumb shit to herself with a botched EYE JOB.

And I'm not even kidding. So No-Holds-Barred, baby.

Oh my sweet virginal Jesus, Napalm Vagina might be the best thing I'll ever read. Kudos, llism.

I'm not really sure whether or not the fact that you hate Paris Hilton has made you biased toward this movie. I must say, this movie was actually really good. I know that many here hate Paris, but if you can put that aside, I think you will be abel to see that this movie is quite enjoyable. I mean, it doesn't really try to take itself seriously. I went in thinking the worst, and came out not half bad. Sure, the whole movie is predictable, and the gross out scenes have been done before, but that doesn't mean you can't go in and enjoy yourself. Put aside your hatred, and go enjoy yourself at a movie that is not that bad, and with what else is showing right now, that's saying a lot.

Cavernous Crusty Cock Contagion?

Nico, honey, you must be new around here.

Oh, and just because you chose that stance, for the record, it is "able."

That's funny...I didn't think Paris fans were able to use computers...

Are we sure Nico isn't really Bslim just fucking with us? Because, um, yeah. Wow.

I must say, this movie was actually really good.

In a "The Holocaust was actually really good" way, or more of a "The Spanish Inquisition was actually really good" way?

How about Crusty-Balls Humpalot?

She's got "botched abortion" written all over that face, she does.

Botched Abortion Bitch?

Sorry, "Crusty-Balls McHumpalot."

And yes, I think it's B-Slim fucking with us.

WHat? I mean Paris Hilton is a human being too. I mean, sure, maybe she's a few IQ points below my left testicle (he reads playboy a lot), and sure, she does happen to have a neck that makes her resemble a girrafe, and if you wanna throw in that she is famous for doing nothing and being bad at it; but when she puts all her heart and soul into this movie, then people should at least take a step back from their hate and see that this movie isn't that bad...

hehhehe, alright, I couldn't get through this one without laughing....

Oh sweet dear Lord. The thought of this movie makes me physically ill. I can only assume the review was so restrained because you're still having trouble forming words after being assaulted with ...that. I'm throwing my vote in for Crusty McScabies. It's everything you'd ever need to know about her in a petite easy-reading format. Kudos.

Socalled, Crusty-Balls Humpalot is amazing. That's going to be hard to top, but I'll work on it.

And nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Hahaha...that was so wrong....I can't believe you made it this far without cracking...

I'm sorta surprised this movie (I guess we can all agree to call it that?) wasn't reviewed under the booze hound category. I feel a bender coming on. Seriously. I'm not sure what booze goes with this movie, but it just might not matter as long as it induces a coma that converts exactly to the length of the film. How about absinthe?

Hee, I love that B-Slim gets blamed for everything.

Feminus Crustiferous?

Socalled, we could give her one of those preposterous names reserved only for dogs that have no purpose, something like Her Cuntiness Crusty-Balls Cumdumpster McHumpalot.

Oh, B-Slim! It's a damn shame you couldn't keep it up.

"I was the only person in the entire theater."

I don't know about anybody else, but that's the best thing I've heard all day. Thanks for taking one for the team, Stacey. And discovering that humanity has a bit of collective sense, after all.

Nico: that was AWESOME.

GinKirk: I vote for watching this while drinking good 'ole homemade bathtub moonshine. From a boot.

I'd like to see Forrest Whitaker and Paris Hilton have a staring contest for twenty minutes.

And then he snaps and eats her.

Nico, or BSlim, or whoever the fuck you are:

Thank you. I'm must be feeling ultra gullible today; but thank fucking gawd you aren't serious. I was going to give TK a call so he could put us all out of our misery...

So I rescind my catty grammar/spelling remark.

Don't ever do that again! You scared mommy!!

Absinthe goes with everything.

Princess Crustobelle.

And I vote for the name "Night Rider". Because it appears that's when and how Paris Hilton does her best on camera work.

Were this a conversation being had in the flesh, I'd say instead crowning her with a cutesy nickname, how about spitting on the ground in lieu of uttering her real name?

Spitting is such an underrated derogatory gesture.

*HAWCK*

*Thppt*

u ppl r haterz. just b/c paris is so beutiful and u r all ugly notties you should'nt hate on her. this movie was the shit! it was so good and paris looked really pretty. all my girlz liekd it.

also, Paris she didn't get surgury on her eye. she cannot help it that her one eye is sensitive.

and didn't u see this movie so how could u judge it like this?

Brie - Thank you, I knew I had seen that Lakin chick somewhere, underneath the mounds of prosthetically created ugliness. Wow, that's pretty bad that this film is a *step* down from such a piece-of-shit TV show.

Sold. I change my vote to spitting.

my "Insult a Day" desk calendar has this for today's entry:

"Paris Hilton can never be exposed, because we know that under the surface there is only more surface". -Radar magazine

ha!

GenKirk - Absinthe is too classy for this movie. I would suggest everclear with a chaser of Old E. I think that booze would reflect the level of artistic integrity in this movie.

As to the movie, why was this made? Ms. Crusty Crabs should be nowhere near a cinema, ever! Isn't there an island to where we can banish her?

Julie - Love the Harlequin romance comment. I remember the girls who read those ended up reading The Notebook and other such Nicholas Sparks things. Yeah, I was an Austen girl with a dash of Bret Easton Ellis.

Well, since I already fouled any sort of respectable "rep" 'round these parts by seeing "The Eye" this weekend, I figure I might as well complete the cycle of suckiness and dip my toes into this festering boil... I can't be THAT bad, right?

Of course the fuck it could. Napalm vagina and
praying mantis references are great names, but c'mon - that's a discredit to both napalm and praying manti (that's the plural word, right?), as both actually have SOME PRACTICAL USE in the world.

Paris Hilton's got nothing going for her other than being the equivalent an erectile DDT. If I'm in a situation where I don't want a hard-on (i.e. interrogation, hugging my Grandmother, swimming, etc...), I simply picture Her Wonkiness and voila! Problem solved.

Is there any way we could collectively petition to get her ass to forcibly participate on American Gladitators? I would sooo love to see her get a compound fracture and the credits could roll over her face as the studio lights dim and the Gladiators surround her with the intent of pummeling her to death with giant q-tips. They pull that out around sweeps time and we're talking Emmy (whiskey)baby(ninjastar)!

Her Cuntiness Crusty-Balls Cumdumpster McHumpalot.

Magnifique!

I'm no English Major (and I didn't major in Miracles either), but I'd say the multilayered aliteration is so.totally.awesome.

My 1st thought re American Gladiators staring PeeHilt was .... OK - make it so. But then I remembered the contestant uniform... and ... well... Naw. It won't work There is just no way a that a bikini or whatever would ever stay put on the backside of her universe-sucking, vortex of a blackhole. It would be a costume malfunction of horrific proportions & not in alignment with the family entertainment that is American Gladiators! I mean - think of the Hulkster.

I didn't even think it was her in that picture up there. I thought it was a dude in drag.

Gigi-heh, I was an Austen girl as well, though I must admit to delving into my mother's stash of dirty books. I think that's where I first learned the words "bodice" and "engorged."

This only comes to mind because I'm currently trying to remove one from my thumb...how about Cooch Splinter? As in "Paris Hilton's movies are as enjoyable as a splinter in my cooch."

OMG, thes movie is soo not meant to be sereosly! ! WTF ru all bithcing about when yall only can be going to stoopid movies like only Acadamy Oscar award ones!/

Paris is to hot for all of you geeks so dont' act like your the bomb. and maconohay is too, so leave him the fuk alone!!!

My ba-jay-jay itchy from bugs... ugh.

Dammit, I was going to name my first dog Christabelle, now I'm not going anywhere near it.

What about:

Rancid Meat Hole
Satan Took a Shit
Oswallow Bin Labia

We could just call her Nottie. Concise and self-explanatory...

Hmm...not bitchy enough, though....I like the spitting...but I might run out of spit halfway through explaining the nuances of her acting to my friends....

Skanker Sore?

How's aboot:

Douchey LaRue (spy-like!)
T-Nuc (rap cred on this, G!)
Pubia Encrabatosia (this one is scientific, yo!)
Grizzled Teats (...)
Wonky-Twat and the Funky Bush
Beauty McGorgeousdouche

Is it five o'clock yet...?

Hey Gang! I hid a backward dirty word in my last post! Print it out and hold it up to a mirror to find it! Then color it any way you like and send to: Krazy Kooze Bass-Ackwards Message Contest, P.O. Box 1340, Sedgewick, AZ 96200 - You'll be entered in a random drawing for a 2008 limited glitter-edition "Fist of Addonis" with fluid-trigger and suction-cup action! You'll be the envy of all your friends and definitely the most awesomest kid on the block! DO IT NOW!!! NOW!!!

I like to color mine in blue with a big red arrow and then some glitter. Sadly, my printer's out of ink.

Skittimus....I get the impression you're immensely bored at work...

Alabamapink I spit in reverence to your idea.
You make me proud to be a grit.
*HAWT* *Thppt*

This is why I come 'round these here Pjiba parts:

[QUOTE]
the kind of moral you'd expect from a Paris Hilton movie: That beauty on the inside is meaningless until you're pretty on the outside as well.
[/QUOTE]

That's journalistic poetry, folks. You can't find that kind of reporting anywhere but here.

Do you think Rick Hilton funded this travesty for his daughter?

This sounds like a waste of celluloid that I will be happy to miss.

AIDS on a Stick.

anyone?...anyone?...

And nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Is it wrong that I so enjoy Sliding Doors? It's that John Hannah. I actually caught a triple-feature of him yesterday, watching various bits and pieces of The Mummy (another guilty pleasure) and 4W&aF, as well as the aforementioned Paltrow opus. I've seen every episode of "McCallum" and "Rebus."

Her Cuntiness Crusty-Balls Cumdumpster McHumpalot

I do so love a good dog show; and it would be less of a sin against nature to have the relations with one of those animals than with The Crust That Ate The Eye. Better conversation, too.

How about "The Organ Grinder"?

Socalled: Sliding Doors is one of my favorite movies ever, and it is DEFINITELY the presence of John Hannah that makes it so.

"What are you doing two weeks on Saturday?
Probably killing myself.
Excellent...what time does that finish? Do you like boats?"

Dingles, I like your idea. But I think "Crabs on a Stick" has a better ring to it.

I like "The Organ Grinder" Lammergeier13, I really do. But when I hear that, it reminds me of jovial, curly moustache men and their tip-cup monkey assistants, and as we all know, monkeys are awesome.

Cuntcrustdumpsterhumper is not...

File this abomination under: Released and No One Gave a Shit.

And lemme just make a prediction here. When my inevitable and terrible dictatorship is established, my first order of business (after having Dane Cook executed) is to track down EVERY. SINGLE. person who made this thing possible, their families, their friends, their neighbors, the first guy/girl they kissed, that slut they fucked in high school and have them all put to death.

I don't know...Organ Grinder sounds pretty cool (comparing her to a monkey and all)...but you also get that connotation that she's a tigress in bed - a la, maneater. And if anybody saw her video, that is one thing she definately is not.

You're welcome, B. I can't believe I remembered that awful show, though.

In light of the controversy regarding "Skank Cancer", I don't think Parasite will be renamed after an illness (AIDS, Herpes, the Clap, etc) no matter how linked she is to them, but I do like Night Rider, insertclevernamehere. It's simple, and fitting for her. But it's also cool as hell, and Paris Hilton is anything but. I'm so torn.

Perhaps Satan took a Shit is more fitting, Boo. We really have some creative minds here at Pajiba.

True, monkeys are pretty cool. How about "Crab Motel"?

So true Shadows...you could almost follow her train of thought while she was banging that dude. "What should I name my next chihuahua, I think it's time to moan again, my left nail is chipped, god is he still fucking me, the new Prada line is sooo hot, oooh I think my phone is ringing!"

Say BSlim... Is there any chance I can drive the vehicle on your murderthon? And can we have the vehicle modified with chainsaw-slots on the sides? And flamethrowers on the front? And can it be equipped with douche/skank-dar? And can I wear my Mr. T mohawk and chains n' shit and you can wear leather gloves and chomp on a cigar?

And, if it's not too much to ask, can we also have a bloody mary bar on-board? And a whiskey fountain?

You say the word and I'm on my way...

I share the sentiments of those in shock that someone from the staff had to endure what was meant to be a bad experience. There are movies that deserve every bit of hatred. And there are movies starring Ms. Hilton that do not deserve hatred, but what would be more befitting for her as well: oblivion.

hee! i love all the pseudonyms. keep going people; we'll know it when we see it.

(Thanks, Brie. I like that one, too. Although somehow I think Satan's Shit is infinitely better than anything this women ever was, is, or will be.)

Let's get harsh. This ain't scathing and bitchy for nothing, y'all. ('bama, I'm with you on the spitting, 'cept for the fact that I don't want to waste bodily fluids on this shit sack.)

Satan's Shit Sack???

Boo, is the same vein...Satan's Skidmark?

Lammergeier13: You know, I think I recently saw a porno titled "The Organ Grinder" at my local rental store, and I must say, the stars pictured on the back looked much cleaner and more intelligent than the Pink Pestilence.

...

What? Girls like porn.

Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at February 11, 2008 5:43 PM

The word is given, but we'll need to stop and pick up a couple of cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon and some ice for the Coleman.

In the same vein. Ah typos.

Julie: awesome. I like where this is going...

Satan's Shart!!

Smegma

Because, as she beautifully puts it: "A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers."

Naturally, June becomes a bane to the budding relationship.

BUDDING! FLOWERS! The relationship almost created orgasms but it DIDN'T because the cock-blocking June stomped the growing BUDS!!!

AHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!

(That's the kind of madness that would result if I had also seen the movie. Sheesh.)

Alright, I have to ask. How embarassing is it having to buy a ticket to "The Hottie and the Nottie?" Were you able to make eye contact? Did you pay and walk in without saying another word? Did the guy working the ticket counter laugh and say "Seriously though, what do you want a ticket to?"?

It's not passable at being anything, really. Hilton, as expected, is as horrible an actress as any sack of flesh that's ever been misplaced in front of a camera.

Couldn't we just change misplaced to miscarried? I think that that would deliver the amount of misery that Satan's Vagina is wreaking upon us all. And by the way, thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?

Ah ha ha ha!! Boo, I love it.

"I was going to give TK a call so he could put us all out of our misery..."

Boo, sweetums, you rang?

[loads gun]

Minty- It came to me from an old joke: What do you call a condom full of sand? An organ grinder. I just kind of figured that that is what it's like for a guy to fuck this unnamed menace.

Oh and Skittimus, just because I feel like being a prick (work does that to me sometimes) shouldn't Addonis really be Adonis, and would the packaging have a picture of Fabio posing in a sort of generic romantic cover sort of way? And can "The Fist" be personalized?

Dammit, TK, where the HELL have you been??? You're lucky I don't know your middle name, or else that would have been T [middle name here] K!

I fully expect you to add to the nickname files.

Mister.

i love you all because you're hilarious and im well in on the spitting in lieu of sayint Its name thing but can i just check...

you all know that 'no one expects the spanish inquisition' is from Monty Python, yes?
I havent seen Sliding Doors(that Paltrow woman, i find her...unbearable)

im sure you do but im the middle of great big bout of the old insomnia so things aint comin to me as fast as they aught.

as for the film, well.
the fact that i and the general viewing public didnt know it existed until....now...speaks volumes, no?

I'm with Stan... how embarassing WAS it to purchase that ticket? Did you throw some professionalism behind it? Y'know, "I'm a respected film critic, and although it's not very glamorous when it comes to these type of films, it's part of my civic duty"? Didja do that?

Or was it more like... "Yes, I'd like one ticket to Cuntcrustdumpsterhumper's epic, please. Why? Well, I'm looking for a reason to sob in an empty theater while pouring bleach in my eyes of course! I'll also take a sma... no, a large popcorn sprinkled with rat poison in case I can't make it through the opening credits. Thank yew".

Seriously, these names are great! If she ever shows up in Cranium's "Pop5", I can simply doodle a demon sharting brain-dead sperm into a wonk-eyed dumpster!

I bet Stacy avoided the embarrassment by buying a ticket for a better movie, and then sneaking into the theater showing "Hottie".

Boo, I'm not really one for nicknames, and I try not to think about Lady Voldemort too often.

Besides, I've been busy being sick as a dog. And y'all seem to be doing just fine without me.

Satan's asswipe *HAWK*
*thppt*

Hey Stacey--since only 12 tickets to this stinker have been and will only be sold, maybe you should keep your ticket stub and sell it on ebay when "shewhomustnotbenamed" meets her most certain early demise.

You might be able to get your 7 bucks back.

nadine, it's from the John Hannah character saying to the Gwyneth character when they first meet:

James: Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say.
Helen: "Always look on the bright side of life"?
James: No, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

And I'm with you on the "Meh" School of Paltrow viewing. She's an obnoxious twit, but it's a really good film.

Whew, Stacey, that was satisfying! Especially the fact that you were the only one in the theatre...sorry, dear...perhaps you can take solace in the fact that your pain brought pleasure to so many?

Agreed that the "star" needs a new name; I acrually cringe any time I say it. I do love Crustabelle McHumpsalot! Someone up there mentioned Erectile DDT as well...very nice. Given her hotel heiress status, might I suggest, "Are You Being Serviced?"

I feel like crustabelle mclazy lid got overlooked a lttle too quickly. That is where my vote rests.

Wahhhhh, I didn't know my witches' brew of STDs could give me Droopy Eye!

I like that rumor -- I'm going to tell everyone who ever mentions her to me that Pestilence got droopy eye from either (1) contracting multiple STDs at one time or (2) getting shot in the eye with jizz by multiple partners at the same time, so there was a sort of "cannon effect."

I think I actually like #2 better. Crustiload McDrooper.

Skittimus and BSlim, I really, really, really want a ride in that MurderTank. I make a mean Bloody Mary.

And I wanna play Name! That! Whore!

I suggest Crustilence.

Or Penis Wiltin'.

So I like puns. Bite me.

Crustybelle Humpalot McLazyLid aka Pestilence of the Four Starletards of the Apocalypse.

Crustybelle Trousertrout McJizzem-Eye (sic). Hyphenated for her pleasure.

Names...names...Cunty McTwat. However, the pimp name generator, when fed the name Bitch Crabs, came up with this gem: Diamondtrim Crabs Shizzle.

To answer your questions, I felt less embarrassed purchasing the ticket from the teenager who clearly hated her job so much she wouldn't have flinched if I actually were the evil incarness in the flesh purchasing a ticket to her own film -- than I was embarrassed of the kid with the light wand who came in to do the rounds right before the movie started and saw me sitting in there all by myself. I waved at him, to break the tension. He waved back and I know he felt sorry for me.

for a brief moment, staring at the little picture on the main page, i thought that my beloved maeby funke has undergone a frontal lobotomy (and the requisite makeup to make her "nottie") and accepted a role in this twaddle. my apologies to lil' alia shawkat for doubting her for even the briefest of moments...

Lammergeier13: Yeah, I know, but there really was a porn titled "Organ Grinder." At least, I think so...I was trying to fly under the radar of the yuppie mother being browbeaten into renting some stupid movie by her podling, so I may be mistaken. Damnit. You know, there was a time when a young woman with a perfectly healthy sexuality could comfortably rent porn in my neighborhood without getting any flack.

On a different note, I like "Crustilence." Though, perhaps I should point out that in previous interviews, Pestilence has stated that "yeah, it, like, really hurts when people call [her] names." Thus, I suggest that Pajiba submit a press release to Page Six announcing that a fitting title has been bestowed.

"The plot itself is a blatant mishmash of There's Something About Mary and 10 Things I Hate About You..."

Both of which are derived from Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew.

Is it just me, or does the pic of paris at the top make her look like Mark McKinney from Kids in the Hall doing his chicken lady skit?

Throw in a blonde wig, and...

Voila!!!

Is there any chance we can just compile ALL of these names on a master-list and just email them to her directly? I mean, she MUST know that the majority of America (okay, the WORLD) consider her to be a complete and total waste of wonk-eyed dumpster-sperm... Can't we just agree that by letting Ms. Satan- shart choose her own moniker will give her a "Pajiba MurderTank" pass (awesome name by the way, isabelle)? That as our tank of destruction comes rumbling through town, she'll be given a thirty-minute warning to drag her cracked ass out of town and head toward... well, fuck... um. Look, let's just give Crustybelle Trousertrout McJizzem-Eye a running start okay? I mean after all, without Crustiload McDrooper we wouldn't have made it this far down the thread. I myself have shot lukewarm coffee out my nose at Oswallow Bin Labia's expense... So, in conclusion, let's get *Thppt*'s Blackberry info and let her make her own decision. She's a big Diamondtrim Crabs Shizzle...

My comment hasn't even shown up yet but I already realize I made a mistake. 10 Things I Hate About You is in fact an adaptation of Taming of the Shew. There's Something About Mary? No so much.

Leave it to some internet name generator to come up with the absolute best nickname yet.

Diamondtrim Crabs Shizzle. HAAAAAA!!

I put in Satan's Shart and this came out:

Funk Master Shart Loco.

HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! Oh fuck!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAND I'm spent.

Stace, you are a brave woman. You watched a whole movie starring SheWhoMustNotBeNamed where her character wasn't even brutally murdered.

I tip my hat to you.

boo:
I loooves me some Pimp Name Generator. I have tears in my eyes from laughing at Funk Master Shart Loco...bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Let's keep in mind that Alia Shawkat DID appear in the piece of rotten tripe Deck the Halls. We were flipping channels one day, both yelled "Mabie" at the same time, stopped to see what it was, then quickly flipped away and agreed never to speak of it again.

Alia, I have two words for you: New agent!

Pestilence, three more words for you: Dickeneye Crustybelle McTaint.

Or, given that her hoo-hoo now has the shape and echo of a stadium, we can stay with the Cristabelle theme:

Crustybowl Dickeneye McSatanstain

How about The Vaginal Socialite?

i think this is officially more comments on this review than there are people who saw this movie in the entire world. that is commendable.

There's nothing wrong with the name Christabel; it's a perfectly respectable Samuel Taylor Coleridge poem. But the idea of...HER character being named a derivative of that is a bit offputting.

You know, if PH had done this movie with herself playing the "nottie," and disguised beneath all the glop they put on the (much prettier) actress, I might have thought, "Hey, she has a sense of humor." But no, somehow THIS piece of shite got greenlighted.

"So if you're wondering just how much makeup and prosthetics it took to transform moderately attractive, nondescript actress Christine Lakin, ... into a character that would make Hilton look good in comparison -- your answer is a hell of a lot, and strangely not quite enough."
When I first glanced at that picture, I thought Hilton was sporting some sort of deforming prosthetic or was somehow attempting to look as horrible as the "nottie"...then I looked closer. You were exactly right Stacey.

I submit Amblyopic Minging Cum Receptacle

Bottom line? No... No I would NOT do her. Not if I was pulled out of an appacolyptic (yeah, it's late and I'm drunk - what of it? I can't spell - who gives a poop?) pile of scrap-dumpster-metal. If it were my seed and only my seed that would give her and i (see? lower case "I" - yeah I've been drinking) the chance of repopulating the planet... No, sir. I am sorry to inform you that I would rather shoot a load into a moldy cess pool of anus warts (jesus christ, no more drinking and posting...).

I'd rather spend my seed in a TGI Friday's urinal than let her uterus have a shot at producing the new breed of human... I'd rather eat a duck placen...

Ferfucksake, have we arrived at a name yet?!! I told her I'd give her a ring around three a.m. to let her know where we're at... And Crusty-Balls Humpalot don't like it when I call later than I said I would...

WHAT IS THE NAME?! THE TIME HAS COME TO CHRISTEN THE SKANK-BEASTIE!! NOW!!! WHAT IS HER NAME (cue death-metal sci-fi intro...)??!!

The review of this film should have simply read:

"Paris Hilton stars in this movie."

Once I read that I would immediately know to stay as far away from this movie as possible. Someone could tell me that Kristin Kreuk, Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Morena Baccarin have a lesbian threesome throughout the movie. And during the middle of that they have some guy, whose face has been replaced via CGI with mine, come in and join them. And I would still know to stay away from this movie.

Kay, just chunked and I'm feeling G-R-E-A-T!!

So for reals, what's the name?

I'm only fifteen... And I'm a glue-sniffer...

Actually, I'm thirty-four and I drink paint-thinner...

WHAT'S THE NAME??!!?

GODDAM YOU' JIBANS - SAY HER NAAAAME (Imagine me on a mountaintop, shirtless n' oily)!!!

okay, so i'm not the only one that finds The Red-Light District ugly, as well as over-plasticized? i was trying to explain my utter dislike to my twelve-year-old brother upon seeing the gigantic full-color picture of her head in the datebook. he took a "meh, she -looks- all right, i guess" approach.

"her neck is ugly! and normally i like necks!"

that is all.

The levels of hatred you people have toward somebody you've never met is fairly amazing. I'm no fan of Paris Hilton but a few of you should honestly seek professional help; it can't be healthy to be this affected by a rich celebrity who doesn't even know you exist.

Despite the fact that she's apparently a waste of space, consider the fact that she'll probably have more of an impact on the world than all the people who post here combined. How impotent does that make you feel?

consider the fact that she'll probably have more of an impact on the world than all the people who post here combined. How impotent does that make you feel?

Posted by: Johnny Apeshit at February 12, 2008 1:33 AM

-------------------------------------------------

I bet you thought that sounded pretty good when you wrote it, didn't you? Is that negative or positive impact? Am I supposed to feel bad because a picture of me, drunk and tweeked, whoring it up and dancing on top of a table won't make it to Perez Hilton? Is that the "world" impact you talkin' bout? Is that why we should feel *impotent*?
Explain to us (if you care to) how she's "impacting" "the world."
And I'll give you a hint, spreading disease, making terrible straight to DVD features and selling perfume don't count as "world" shattering events in this crowd. Neither does crying and throwing a tantrum 'cause she couldn't do her time.

Awww BSlim, if such a photo of you existed and I had access to it so that it could be distributed internationally it totally would have an impact on the world, don't sell yourself short like that man. You are a beautiful and special flower don't ever let anyone tell you differently.

Hmmm... maybe that third expresso was a bad idea?

Anyhoo: boo is already on my shiny and magical list of joy so no more needs to be said there but I gotta say: Skittimus the more insane and all caps screamy you get the more I love ya. Keep it up my fine fellow, you make my working week brighter.

aaah good to know, i was worried there for a second, i was thinking, surely these people of all know the true origins !!!!

*phew*

thanks for settin me right

Jewelry on QVC?

That's hot.

She can hang out with Marie Osmond and her sweet Dancing with the Stars dolls. Apollo Anton Ohno RULES!

GODDAM YOU' JIBANS - SAY HER NAAAAME (Imagine me on a mountaintop, shirtless n' oily)!!!

When did the McConaughey start commenting on Pajiba?

My favorite so far is The Vaginal Socialite by eiluj It's pithy, accurate yet evocative, and I just like it, dammit. I also care deeply for the McHumpster Cum Dumpster, & variations on the theme.

So - I mean - can a person have subtitle? Certainly a vaginal socialite of her standing deserves a subtitle, right?

In an effort to shut Skittimus up, maybe we should start voting on the current titles?

I put mine in for The Vaginal Socialite as well

Despite the fact that she's apparently a waste of space, consider the fact that she'll probably have more of an impact on the world than all the people who post here combined. How impotent does that make you feel?

Given that your logic would apply equally to Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin, Jerry Falwell, etc., etc., the answer is "not very fucking." If I accomplish one good thing in my life, such as not running over an orphan in a cross-walk, or better yet, not getting railed by some other waste of space on the internet, then I will have been far more important than Crustybowl Dickeneye.

Concept No. 1: It is important for a critical mass of people in a culture to create a backlash against a destructive phenomenen such as the undeserved elevation of evil shitheads. Crustybowl Dickeneye is merely a metaphorical avatar for a larger reaction.

Concept No. 2: Are you acquainted with the notion of talking shit with other folks who enjoy a similar sense of humor, just to make jokes and have fun? 'Cuz that's kind of what this is all about. Now, how impotent do you feel? Or were you trying to say "important."

I'll throw my hat in the ring: Squinty McSpermpurse. Sorry if someone else has already suggested something similar to that.

when I got home from work last night, I started reading this list of possible names off to my husband. He, although of sound mind and body (oh-so-sound body), didn't think they were as hilarious as I did, unfortunately. BUT! I discovered that saying them aloud truly gives them the power they deserve. And with that, my favorite is officially...

Crustybelle McSatanshart

I'm sorry, but The Vaginal Socialite just doesn't do it for me. It is WAY TOO TAME. And it is too close to The Virginal Socialite, and that just cannot happen.

Validation???

The Vaginal Socialite is funny, but I agree with Boo that it is simply not crass and vulgar enough. Night Rider sounds like a porn star that I would actually like to spend some time with.

Hmmm....that's true. I'm changing my vote. I don't know about last name...but I really like Crustybelle.

Maybe I should clarify: the last name should be McSatanShart, not McSatan's hart. FYI.

boo: Maybe I'm a little too new, but what's a "shart?"

I'm changing my vote to Crustybelle; Crustilence--as delightful an image as that creates--may be too much of an in-joke to obtain widespread use. The Vaginal Socialite is a clever riff off of The Virginal Socialite, but I agree that it's too tame.

Johnny Apeshit: "A pound of potential is worth an ounce of manure." Our dear, sweet Crustybelle was born with every--and I mean every--opportunity in the world handed to her, and what has she done with it? She's become an undereducated, lazy narcissist with no conception of reality. The only impotent thing about me is my rage at how she can get all that attention, when so many people doing wonderful things for the world are ignored.

A shart is when you go to fart...and you go a little too far...

A shit-fart, if you will...

aka Hershey Squirt.

I love that these comments are still comin :)

I vote for Crustybelle McSatanShart. Absolute genius, Boo and Socalled.

Okay. I haven't read any comments yet, or even finished reading the review because I had to stop at, "a 20-something who is habitually unlucky at love because he can't get over his first ever crush, Cristabelle (Hilton), whom he lost track of after his family supposedly moved across the country (or something) after the first grade."

Huh? That's about a 15-20 year period of time for him to move on. You could fall in love, get married, have a couple babies, fall out of love, get divorced, and fall into love with someone else in less time than that.

Am I the only one who'd never heard of this movie? I mean, the title is idiotic enough to warn me away, but I wasn't even aware Hilton was in another movie.

I want to preface this by saying that I dislike the Vaginal Socialite as much as any other self-respecting indie-kid teenaged girl out there. I think she's a waste of time, money, and media attention and I wish she would disappear from the popular consciousness. But I can't quite understand the intensity of the hatred she inspires. What exactly is it about her that people find so loathsome, so personally offensive? Enlighten me?

Anyone else tired of seeing Paris's nipples clawing their way out of her shirts?

Every time I hear the title of this movie I hear "Snotty" in place of "Nottie."

Kiki- these are people who love to hate. I've been reading this website for a while and I've come to the conclusion that some of the regular commenters here just take things much more personally than others, and like to make themselves feel better by insulting the things they take personally as much as they can. Like kids on a playground.

Sorry, a little late here. I suggested the Vaginal Socialite because she is a socialite and just a tad vaginally social.

Insightful comment Kate.

Or it could be because she promotes the very worst of our society: a sense of entitlement, the conviction that she can get away with anything because she has money, celebrity for achieving absolutely nothing of value at all.

Oh, and being a giant racist. That normally helps inspire the hatred around these parts.

And I wouldn't say it's particularly that the commenters find her personally offensive I'd go more for most of this being comedic hyperbole. Moderate dislike just aint funny and we are all about the funny.

For you consideration:

[B]HERPEBELLE[/B]

btw, she has a shit clothing line and a shit shoe line as well...*shudders*

For your consideration:

HERPEBELLE

Don't forget kids, she also has a shit clothing line and a shit shoe line as well. So QVC is very much a reality.

Sorry for the double post.

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