Every goddamn year, not only does Hollywood see fit to congratulate itself with unendurable half-day awards shows, but now even the entertainment magazines offer up free reach-arounds to celebrities who are already busy fellating themselves. It seems that every freakin’ glossy periodical now has an annual “Sexiest Woman Alive” or “Who’s Hot” issue, which allows them to plaster their covers with cleavage and call it a special, limited-edition double issue, which is just their way of taking the next goddamn week off. It’s absurd, especially given the fact that most members of these “Who’s Hot” lists are simply adding to their portfolio of overexposure. Well, we’re tired of the shenanigans. We don’t care who is on EW’s It List, because we already know before we open up the magazine who it will be: The same 10 celebrities who just spent the last week on Oprah’s couch, Letterman’s chair, and the vapid “Look: I’m masturbating to this celebrity photo” pages of The Superficial.
So we said, “Fuck it. We’re going to use our very limited exposure to a (mostly) intelligent and jaded readership to do a little cock-blocking.” Thus we introduce the first annual Pajiba (Sh)It List, featuring the 12 people and things we hate most about Hollywood.
Enjoy.
Nicolas Cage — I usually don’t subscribe to the whole celebrity-loathing thing because it’s still a form of misguided idolization, but I still managed to unearth stores of venom for this blurb by focusing my vituperation on one especially vile man: Nicolas Cage. It isn’t just that the man looks like a mandrill or that almost every piece of acting he produces seems to be labored self-parody; it’s because the guy makes no distinction whatsoever in the movies he’ll star in. The fact that Cage deigns to appear in offal like National Treasure or The Wicker Man (and so many others) makes the success he found in Adaptation and Raising Arizona a feat of sheer irony. The fact is the guy can’t act without a capable director to steer his inadequacy. Unfortunately for us, this is almost never the case, and we’re left to endure his performances at face value. At best, Cage can be comically bad; at worst, he’s too dim to realize how laughable he really is … but just smart enough not to care. — Phillip Stephens
Celebrity-Overexposure Backlash — I suppose it’s been going on since the day some fat hausfrau first threw down an issue of Modern Screen and proclaimed that she just couldn’t bear one more story about Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks, but for me, America’s sad love-hate relationship with celebrity really got annoying right around the time of the Bennifer debacle. From America’s favorite couple to Hollywood pariahs in under a year, Affleck and Lopez paid the price for our obsession with them. Sure, they fed it; God knows they could have been more discreet, but who, in the first glow of infatuation, doesn’t want to shout from the rooftops that they’ve found The One? Imagine if you’d been famous when you were convinced you were going to marry that loser you met at the laundromat.
Since Bennifer, we’ve all gotten sick of Tomkat, Vaughniston, Brangelina, Britney and K-Fed, Nicole and her collarbone, Paris and her cooter, etc., ad infinitum, but no one ever wants to own up to one simple fact: It’s our fault. When we gorge ourselves on the minutiae of celebrities’ private lives, it’s not the celebrities making us sick; it’s the gorging. These people are constantly thrust into our faces because we make it profitable for the greedy assholes who do the thrusting. If we didn’t buy People, Us, Star, or In Touch; if we turned off the TV when “Entertainment Tonight,” “Extra,” or “Access Hollywood” came on; if we didn’t read Perez Hilton (please, for the love of God, though we should continue reading the many fine gossip blogs that are friends of this site — hi, guys!); then those institutions would quickly go out of business, freeing up our valuable brain cells for more useful pursuits, like completing Sudoku puzzles. We need to remember that celebrities are like the Boogeyman: They only exist if you believe in them. — Jeremy C. Fox
Paul Haggis — The (Sh)It List finally affords me the ability to exorcise my Haggis demon once and for all, at least until his next excuse for a film makes its way into theaters (In the Valley of Elah, later this year). And it’s not just the residual anger I have left over from the travesty of Crash winning the Best Picture Oscar last year (or that a fucking rich, middle-aged white man was writing a film about racism), it’s that so many people have bought into his insufferable skill for cutting and pasting Hallmark cards into his cloying dialogue. His limited talents still only befit his early career, which was largely made up of writing episodes of “Diff’rent Strokes,” “The Facts of Life,” “The Love Boat,” and a television movie, The Return of the Shaggy Dog. The man hasn’t mysteriously gained any newfound gift for writing since 1987; I fear, instead, that America’s collective IQ has simply dropped to Haggis’ level. Suddenly, the guy who created “Michael Hayes” and “Walker: Texas Ranger” is the hottest scribe in Hollywood, which allows him to put his saccharine-and-douche imprimatur on films like The Last Kiss and Casino Royale (the latter of which was a perfectly good flick weighed down by Haggis’ heavy-handedness). Worse, he continues to be celebrated because directors like Eastwood pick up the considerable slack left by the sloganeering that he passes off as screenwriting. Honest to God, when did a line like this begin to seem deep: “It’s what you do to the people you say you love. It’s the only thing that counts.” Fuck you, Haggis. — Dustin Rowles
Julianne Moore — Let’s get this out of the way before I’m rashly accused of something: I have nothing against redheads. In fact, I find them increasingly appealing as I get older. (I turned 33 today, and I sensed yet another up-tick in my attraction to them.) There are worse actors than Julianne Moore. Thousands of them, in fact. But I don’t think there are many who are as ineffectual while being taken as seriously, so to me she’s a stand-in for all overrated actors with both mainstream credits and indie cred (this is a list that also includes, for me, William H. Macy, Frances McDormand, and Matt Damon — who I actually like, but who has the range of a one-legged shortstop). I can’t remember believing or enjoying Moore in anything, from the ludicrous Safe to her grossly overplayed (and, in fairness, terribly written) pharmacy scene in Magnolia (during which I actually felt embarrassed for her) to even her mercifully brief stint in Children of Men. No matter the role, she always reads sullen, stiff, and uncomfortable — beautiful but inexpressive. I ask earnestly, what is the substantive difference between her and Andie MacDowell? According to the IMDb, Moore has at least four movies slated for 2007. It figures to be a tough year for me. — John Williams
Oprah. — Yeah, that’s right, I said it. Oprah motherfucking Winfrey. I hate her for sandbagging poor James Frey when she was the one who touted his book and made it such a big story in the first place. I hate her for introducing us to the new and crazier Tom Cruise. And I hate her twice over for taking 16 damn years to show up on Letterman’s show (speaking of which, “Oprah … Uma. Uma … Oprah. ” … it’s one of the underrated comedic masterpieces of our generation!). But more than hating her, I’m sick of her. I’m sick of hearing about how much better than us she is, with all her philanthropy, the millions of bucks for new schools in Africa, etc. I’m sick of hearing about the cars and fabulous prizes her audience gets, sick of two different magazines with her “O” on the cover, sick of the New York Times Bestseller List bending to her will and rearranging itself anytime she adds a title to her friggin’ book club. I’m sick of her power. But more than hating her, and more than being sick of her, I’m afraid of her. Fucking terrified. I fear the day she raises her hand like Caesar and says “rise up,” causing the formation of a nationwide female army within hours. An army at her beck and call, ready to take over this nation and chickify it. Maybe a woman uprising isn’t something to be afraid of. But it’s a change. And I fear change. And I fear Oprah. — Seth Freilich
People Who Waited Until 2006 to Start Hating Mel Gibson — Whether you’re a fan of an indie band, a devotee of a cult film, or the hater of a celebrity, some of the joy is necessarily diminished when your private enthusiasm catches on with the masses. Such was the case for me when Mel Gibson’s drunken, anti-Semitic tirade made him the object of international scorn. Sure, at first the schadenfreude was as dizzyingly sweet and rich as a flourless chocolate cake, but who were all these jackasses just then realizing that Gibson was a bigoted loon?
I’ve hated Gibson for over a decade, since I first read English-language reports of his interview for the Spanish newspaper El País, where he paraded his homophobia around like a gang of Dykes on Bikes on a sunny Saturday in June. With such erudite observations as “They take it up the ass,” and (pointing toward his intact anal maidenhead), “This is only for taking a shit,” Gibson earned my absolute and permanent loathing. OK, that was an interview in a Spanish newspaper almost 15 years ago; not many Americans ever heard of it — but what of his Jew-baiting in The Passion of the Christ and repeated refusals to repudiate his father’s Holocaust denials? What about the crazy anti-Vatican II Catholic cult he’s started in Malibu, or the one he’s funding in Pennsylvania for that openly anti-Semitic father? What about saying his wife was going to Hell for not sharing his beliefs? Why did it take so long for people to notice what a hateful, batshit-insane douchebag this guy is?
Actually, though, as pissed off as I am at the people who needed a sledgehammer to their sugartits before they got the point, I reserve a special, espresso-black space in my heart for folks like his Maverick co-star and still-technically-closeted-for-absolutely-no-reason muffdiver Jodie Foster, who came to his defense in the L.A. Times, praising his resilience and insisting that he is “absolutely not” an anti-Semite. That’s OK, Jodie — you just be that way. We’re sending Rosie over to kick your scrawny ass. — JCF
Remakes — I can say without irony that much of the ’90s and aughts have been horrendous years for mainstream cinema chiefly because writers and producers have been bolstering their creative bankruptcy by pandering to this pseudo-nostalgia craze and shoveling old television shows and halcyon screen classics into theaters with nary a second thought. The result: bastardized versions of Godzilla, The Haunting, The Wicker Man, The Italian Job, Planet of the Apes, The Longest Yard, etc, and harrowing remakes of TV series: “Scooby Doo,” “The Dukes of Hazzard,” “Bewitched,” “The Honeymooners”, ad nauseum. As Martin Scorsese proved this year, a remake doesn’t have to be awful — quite the opposite, provided the re-imagining has its own internal logic and consistent élan. But mostly this spate of pop-recycling represents filmmaking of the cheapest and laziest kind, in which lackluster hacks rely on established storylines and audiences because they can’t manage to generate either on their own. — PS
Scarlett Johansson — How the fuck did this happen, people? Five years ago, Johansson was this beautifully dowdy actress with the very limited ability to play apathetic/bored characters in fun little indies like Ghost World and Lost in Translation, which benefited from her interminable mope. But before I knew what was happening, I can’t even go to the goddamn grocery store without having her cleavage shoved in my nose. Sexiest Woman Alive?! Please. You know what’s sexy in Hollywood? Talent. And Scarlett doesn’t have a lick of it, unless you find something mysteriously alluring in the ability to pout for two-hour stretches at a time. C’mon, ScarJo, take the motherfucking marbles out of your mouth and emote. Anything besides a full-lipped simper will do — not that directors focus their goddamn cameras on anything other than Scar and Jo, the two elephantine features that have thus far afforded her a career. And just when you think we’ve suffered through the Scarlett brunt, we’re about to get hit with a whole new wave of suffocating cleavage: She’s been cast in five high-profile features in 2007 alone, as an (apathetic) babysitter (The Nanny Diaries), two (listless) Marys (The Other Boleyn Girl and Mary Queen of Scotts), a dictator’s (moony) girlfriend (Napoleon and Betsy), and even a (dour) gladiatrix (Amazon). Jesus — somebody get the girl a lemon, because even a Zellwegerian pucker would be better than that half-open protrusion of the lips, which probably necessitates an extra assistant just to collect the goddamn drool that pools beneath her. — DR
Torture Porn — Believe it or not, I like a good scary movie. I was a kid when I first saw Halloween on cable, and even edited down and filled with commercials, it scared the piss out of me. But it also got me hooked on the stuff: Really good, really suspenseful horror movies that trade more on terror and nerves than actual gore. Which is why I hate, hate, hate the misogynistic, gore-crazed, slice-and-dice, tie-me-up-and-cut-me kind of horror that’s sprung up in the past few years and is usually referred to as Torture Porn. (If anyone asks, I made up the term. Trust me.) The Saw series is an exercise in excrement-fueled pointlessness, the kind of stupid sadism that only appeals to the weird guy who sits in the corner of the high-school cafeteria, muttering to himself and organizing his Magic cards. Then there’s Wolf Creek, and Hostel — oh, Hostel, the stillborn offspring of abusive father Eli Roth — and even the recent Turistas. The whole sick, stupid subgenre trades genuine thrills for revolting images of mutilation and bondage, and I’m tired of the whole thing. Mainly because I like good movies, and these are the lowest form of crap you can find. — DC
Trailer Editors — As many of you may, I have a perverse relationship with the coming attractions. I crave them on some level, arriving at theaters on time partly so I don’t miss them. They bring me news of the movie world to come, and they promise that said world will be just as asinine, unimaginatively recycled, centrally cast, Coldplay-soundtracked and only oh-so-occasionally as thrilling and edifying as the current one. And when put together correctly, a trailer for even a dud can be a thing of duplicitous beauty, like a first conversation with a bad but entertaining woman, generating excitement for something that is bound to disappoint. (I remember seeing the trailer for In Good Company — the shots of New York set to “Solsbury Hill” and Topher Grace going through some vague crucible of early manhood — and knowing at the time that its effect was unfair, almost pornographic. It was good in a way that only a trailer, never a movie, can be.) When put together poorly, though, and increasingly they are, they destroy the desire to see even a good movie. Last weekend, a friend recommended Notes on a Scandal, which I’d normally make an effort to see because of its stellar cast. But there’s one problem: Because I saw the trailer, I know the entire arc of the plot, twists and all. This is bad for me, for the studio that loses my $10, and for our health care system (it’s complicated, but trust me). Everyone loses when the trailer editor sucks. I think their names should appear at the end of trailers, so we can judge them and begin petitioning to have the worst ones canned. Who’s with me? — JW
The Wayans Brothers — I remember seeing Scary Movie with friends and hating every worthless second of it. I contemplated committing some kind of messy suicide right there in the theater, and had I known the foul crop of bottom-feeding worthlessness that the Wayans brothers had yet to harvest and share with our dying society, I just might have gone through with it. Actors Shawn and Marlon Wayans, in the clearly misguided hands of director Keenen Ivory Wayans, have created some of the worst films ever. Ever. Think about that for a moment. They gave us White Chicks, which featured Shawn and Marlon looking like a couple of horrible skin-graft experiments gone wrong. They gave us Little Man, based solely on the hope that someone might find a giant head digitally imposed on an infant’s body funny instead of creepy. Their comedies are devoid of anything resembling humor, trading on the crassest of sight gags and the lamest of pseudo-punchlines instead of entertainment. More than that, the Wayans brothers are a desecration of everything good about movies, art, and life. And yet, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, they will keep making movies. … I think I’m gonna go someplace and weep. — DC
You. — To be clear, I don’t mean you, the general Pajiba readership. I mean You, the mainstream public, Time’s Person of the Year, the stupid meme subsequently given such other titles as AdAge’s Agency of the Year, Spin’s Artist of the Year, etc., etc., ad nauseam. Despite my previous comments to the contrary, You do not live solely in the middle of the country — You abound throughout this nation of ours, in numbers too great to (unfortunately) be ignored. You are the loud, obnoxious sons of bitches surrounding me in every movie theater, laughing at the inane bits, talking out of turn, loudly chewing your cud, and just generally making moviegoing an almost entirely miserable experience. You are responsible for network television being littered with crappy procedurals, crappier reality shows, and crappiest game shows. You are responsible for Titanic being the all-time number-one box-office hit. You are responsible for Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay. You are responsible for the cancellation of “Freaks and Geeks” and “Arrested Development.” You are responsible for the Santa Clause trilogy. You are directly responsible for “Two and a Half Men” winning a Peoples’ Choice Award for best comedy. You are responsible for movie studios and television networks having increasingly little faith, patience or willingness to stand behind good art. You are responsible for the Hollywood complex choosing to serve to the lowest common denominator. You are responsible for the suck.
I hope You’re proud of Yourself. — SF
Pajiba Love 01/19/07 | | Venus
Comments
jumping christ, i am in love with you. the collective pajiba you, that is.
there's an abundance of self-referentialism (word? no matter!) around here lately, but nevertheless, i am in love with you.
Posted by: juliagulia at January 18, 2007 1:17 PM
Oh, my God. I have FINALLY had somebody verify my suspicion that Julianne Moore is the most insanely overrated actress on the planet. She is inoffensive at best - that woman has never once brought an emotion to the surface for me. I hated "The End of the Affair" and "Far From Heaven" and, seriously, don't even remember her in "The Hours." I remember Toni Collette, but not her!
I have lived in fear of speaking against her because of her rabidly, admirably loyal fan base. I now feel I have at least one supporter in the world. SF, I love you!
Posted by: Samantha T at January 18, 2007 1:20 PM
also:
while i don't mind julianne moore, i am sick to DEATH of oprah winfrey, and any time i run into someone who shares my opinion, i can't help but do a little dance.
and i don't mind scarjo. yeah, she's talentless, listless, and boring, but holy jesus, is she fun to look at. well, for now. her transformation into overexposed has-been (never-was?) is almost complete.
Posted by: jg at January 18, 2007 1:28 PM
"You are responsible for movie studios and television networks having increasingly little faith, patience or willingness to stand behind good art. You are responsible for the Hollywood complex choosing to serve to the lowest common denominator. You are responsible for the suck."
Love it.
Posted by: Julie at January 18, 2007 1:30 PM
"And when put together correctly, a trailer for even a dud can be a thing of duplicitous beauty, like a first conversation with a bad but entertaining woman, generating excitement for something that is bound to disappoint."
Bravo, John! Bravo!!! That is the single best sentence I've read all day!!
And bravo to the Pajiba staff for reminding me yet again why I frequent this site. Pajiba is the voice of reason in the mob our nation has become. We love contributing to the ridiculous wealth of talentless, if beautiful, hacks. We are easily amused and have a collective IQ of about fifty-four. We prefer cheap laughs to subtle artistry.
Our American Idol is Taylor Hicks, people. Taylor Hicks.
But thanks be to Pajiba for calling us out on our own idiocy and reminding us that we have no one but ourselves to blame for our country's slow descent into idiocy.
FIGHT THE ESTABLISHMENT!! OF LINDSAY LOHAN AS A "ROLE MODEL!!!"
I love you guys.
Posted by: Jelinas at January 18, 2007 1:31 PM
I agree completely about Julianne Moore, though I think you were too soft on her.
Posted by: Kevin Longrie at January 18, 2007 1:34 PM
I seriously considered not seeing Children of Men because Moore was in it. Thankfully, my dear friend convinced me to ignore that urge, and the writers of the film rewarded me quite heartily.
And how appropriate that you mention Andy McDowell in the same segment - I have an unnatural (but I believe completely founded) hatred of that woman. "Is it raining? I hadn't noticed." Bite me, Andy.
Posted by: Lollygagger at January 18, 2007 1:37 PM
Thank you for your courage in pointing out how Oprah is, ultimately, an evil, egocentric deuchebag who has a special place reserved for her in the deepest, shit-filliest bowels of unholy hell. Chickifying aside, the woman started her own magazine and has placed her picture (usually photoshopped onto a body much thinner than hers) on EVERY FRIGGIN' GODDAMNED COVER!
And yes, Julianne Moore is overrated. But she was in The Big Lebowski, so that's okay.
Posted by: Armando at January 18, 2007 1:44 PM
Has anyone else ever noticed how Julianne Moore appears to have about 200 small teeth? Anyone? Petty, I know, but it really bugs me.
Posted by: amber at January 18, 2007 1:45 PM
What about Rachel Ray?
She is about as overexposed as she can be. I don't know how people can take listening to her yell at them for an entire hour. And then she was all over my cracker boxes this holiday season! What? That was the last straw for me. I am boycotting RR. She is trying to be little miss white Oprah-- Food Network shows, daily syndicated show, cracker boxes, magazine, cookware and other products, and she's trying to get all of America to say E.V.O.O! NEVER! I will use as many syllables as I want, Rachel, to describe my oil!
ok-- I am better now. I think I need a nap.
Posted by: wsapnin at January 18, 2007 1:55 PM
So, I guess this would be "Pajiba's Guide to What's Absolutely Terrible For You." Which, in turn, is good for us. Fantastic list.
Posted by: Cody at January 18, 2007 2:00 PM
ARRGG.. I just read on the round-up that RR has been renewed for two more seasons! Seriously, how much does a show or a host have to suck before getting canned? Once again....behold the power of the OPRAH. RR is her little protege'. Instead of a nap, I am heading for hibernation.
See you in Summer 2009.
Posted by: wsapnin at January 18, 2007 2:09 PM
Mandrill!! Ahaha, yes, perfect...someone tried to convince me once that Nicolas Cage could act due to his "amazing performance in Face-off". It was almost as hilarious as your list. Nice one, guys, the trailer thing is the worst; I think I know everything about Zodiac now - by the way, anyone heard anything about that? Didn't see it in any of the round-ups. Looks decent, great cast, but the 2001 version was a god-awful mess..
Posted by: boo at January 18, 2007 2:09 PM
"I agree completely about Julianne Moore, though I think you were too soft on her."
Kevin, please elaborate ;).
Posted by: Samantha T at January 18, 2007 2:12 PM
Finally! Oprah Winfrey frightens the crap out of me too. I've hated her since I read an article in which she expressed pleasure that her fans considered her to be a church unto herself, explaining that she is thrilled to offer people some guidance. Seriously? Let's keep in mind that she was once the downmarket competitor of freaking Donahue and Maury Povich. And, although I give her credit for overcoming truly humble beginnings, her soft sell approach to convincing women that their lives are meaningless without "time for themselves and their spirits" only serves to teach women that working, parenting, and being a decent human being isn't enough. Horse shit. I'd be a great person all the time too if I had a few billion dollars to throw around. It's really easy to take time for yourself when you're not worried about where rent and day care money will come from. Moreover, Oprah's largesse perpetuates the insidious idea that people should receive someone's largesse just because they have it rough. Boo. To quote my college roommate, "we're all in school here." Where's my free car? Whew! I think that's enough for now . . .
Posted by: Kitty X at January 18, 2007 2:16 PM
I agree with you on everything...
Except Julianne Moore. Maybe it's my cock talking, but I think she's a good actress. Also, I'd crawl on my hands and knees through two miles of broken glass just for the chance of disappointing her in bed.
Posted by: Dario Delfino at January 18, 2007 2:19 PM
Kudos on the Julianne Moore non-love. I could probably stand her if other people didn't love her, just as I was fine with Bill Paxton until somebody put him in a leading role and I'm now slowly recovering.
As far as Haggis and Crash... we've talked about this and I know this is a wrap-up and re-cap segment, so I'm only going to comment on the part I'm pretty sure I haven't commented on before... To wit, about a rich middle-aged white man commenting on issues of race: isn't that what Democratic politicians do all the time to roaring applause from the ethnic and the ethnically sensitive? Is it really that that undermines his position, or is it that you already disagree with what he's saying and you want another reason to make it invalid?
Posted by: Eep at January 18, 2007 2:24 PM
Thank you - the germs of many of those thoughts have been swirling in my head, but I could never have articulated them in the brilliant and witty way you have.
And, "like a mandrill"... hilarious!
Posted by: Alarmjaguar at January 18, 2007 2:28 PM
That last paragraph about "You" was absolutely fantastic...I often try to explain why I always say I hate people...I'm not a psycho who hates everyone, but I do hate "people", as in the collective being...thank you Pajiba for expressing it far better than I ever could.
Also, I fucking hate Oprah! How people listen to her, and worship her... At least when Rosie had a talk show (yes I watched it, she wasn't a big bitchy dyke back then, or she didn't admit to it back then) she talked about people other than herself, and she had a magazine with OTHER people on the cover!
Posted by: KDM at January 18, 2007 2:29 PM
Tell you what, next time you dunderheads decide to pull the decayed corpse of the long dead horse from out of the Obvious Barn to beat it to death agan and again, let me know, because I am quite sure that there still remains at least one person in the world not convinced of the Wayan brothers' hackery. Yes, bad movies stink, and oh the tragedy that they earn money. Boo-hoo! Go take your shit-can undergrad degrees and massively unjustified self-importance and suck it. The rest of us plebes will be better off.
Posted by: C Phil at January 18, 2007 2:33 PM
OOOHHHH Andie MacDowell, she's just AWFUL.
Posted by: Karenann at January 18, 2007 2:34 PM
Upps. Where is all the hate for Julianne Moore coming from? I love her as an actress and I think she's very pretty. I even liked her as Clarice. [duck]
Posted by: jd at January 18, 2007 2:35 PM
I have hated Mel Gibson for years- it started with Hamlet, but deepened with Braveheart. Add his personal behavior, and you have a prime example of a breathing turd.
Pajiba, on the other hand, I love desperately.
Posted by: demondoll at January 18, 2007 2:38 PM
Oh my God...I love you all.
But as for Oprah:
Being charitable is clearly NOT about the recipients of your charity if you have to tell the whole world about it and have a freaking press conference. It is clearly about YOU. You YOU YOU! That's why you do things for nice people and hten have an hour long special about how great you are. That's why you host a Legends Ball every damn year so all you friends can tell you that no, YOU Oprah, are the living legend.
Oh, and you are just so good to your Best Friend Gayle. You gave her the position of editor of your magazine. How nice. The aforementioned O magazine that has your ugly MUG on every cover. And you gave her her own radio show. What a sweet, good friend. Oh what's that? It's called Oprah and Friends? Cute. Not even "Oprah and Gayle?" Or "Gale's Show, You Know Gayle, She's Oprah's Best Friend?"
I don't care about her childhood. I don't care that she was poor, abused, whatever. She is so disgustingly rich and coddled, warped and narcissistic that she stopped being relate to normal humans 15 years ago. I don't know why she's popular and I don't know why people listen to her.
GAH! I don't even feel better but there it is.
Posted by: Christine at January 18, 2007 2:41 PM
Oh yeah, liked the part about "you" as well. Reminds me of the end of "Parliament of Whores," which everyone should read, btw.
Posted by: Eep at January 18, 2007 2:43 PM
I read this imagining each of the Pajiba writers taking turns standing in front of a black space, speaking directly into a camera (a la Dennis Miller) and ranting until they're red-faced and flinging around more spittle than an enraged Frenchman.
Anyway, this list contains many of my own shit list members. Oprah, remakes, recent bandwagoning Mel "I was a teenage Youth Nazi" Gibson, people sitting behind you in a theater who dig into the same plastic bag of Goobers every 8 seconds for the ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE, and Mr. Cage (such a disappointment since his big break in "Raising Arizona"). Good stuff, Pajiba people. You should get an award for such a good column! Or not.
Posted by: Kballs at January 18, 2007 2:43 PM
I also agree with you on everything.
Especially the remakes.
Last night, I was giggling away to Ferris Bueller's Day Off when I had the sobering thought that someday my 2-year-old son will watch it and will probably hate it and my heart will break. When I shared this thought with my husband, he said, "No, by the time he's old enough to see it, they'll have remade it with whatever annoying teenager happens to be popular at the time [I'm looking at YOU, Sarah Michelle Geller] and no one will even remember that there was an original."
*SIGH*
Also, Andie McDowell will forever and ever be in my list of girl crushes, but I wish she would just walk on screen and stare into the camera without speaking. Julianne Moore, on the other hand, does indeed have too many teeth.
Posted by: idgiepug at January 18, 2007 2:47 PM
Let's not forget that Oprah is partially responsible for Crash and Haggis winning that Oscar...if she hadn't campaigned for it so hard, I doubt it would have won.
Crash. Thanks, Oprah.
Posted by: redhead at January 18, 2007 2:50 PM
I abhor the "You" also. It boggles the mind that "Arrested Development", my beloved Bluth family chronicles, gets axed while the likes of "The War at Home" and "Grease: You're The One That I Want". What retards do they pick as Neilsen families, or are we really a country that full of stupid?
Ugh. I weep for our future, and just know that the powers that be are going to cancel my new fave "Friday Night Lights", because god forbid anyone watch DECENT television. At least I have "The Office". Sigh.
Posted by: Kristi at January 18, 2007 2:56 PM
I still haven't forgive the You for getting My So-Called Life canceled.
Posted by: juliagulia at January 18, 2007 3:00 PM
*forgiven
hate that.
Posted by: jg at January 18, 2007 3:00 PM
Oh, great. Not only will we be getting that "suffocating wave" of cleavage, but we'll also be getting all of the "I get tested for AIDS twice a year because I'm soooo socially aware, and no, I'm totally not sexually available at all even though all I do in every single interview is talk about how much sex I like to have and how I nickname my boobs 'my girls' and how I totally also have an attractive liver and gallbladder and all I ever do is rely on my boobs and open mouth to get me jobs" that goes along in her interviews. Awesome! I can't wait!
Posted by: em at January 18, 2007 3:14 PM
I have a love/hate relationship with Julianne and ScarJo...my daughter is a redhead, so I have some affection for them, but I wish they would freakin' learn to ACT.
As for Nic Cage, he has done nothing worthy since "Raising Arizona" and the brazilliant "Vampire's Kiss."
Hate Oprah. Bite me, rich bitch. HATE Paul Haggis more than words can say...oh, and Andy McDowell....live action mannequin....'nuff said.
Posted by: dammitjanet at January 18, 2007 3:21 PM
Most excellent shit list, and thank you. I've never bought a celebrity mag in my life, nor watched Entertainment Tonight or any of those shows (well, maybe the Soup on E, but that's different), and I am happy to keep it that way. That's why I love Pajiba!!!
Posted by: zadzi at January 18, 2007 3:23 PM
YOU also got "Home Front" cancelled off ABC or CBS (can't remember which now) in the early 90s. You bastards.
Also, Oprah? She doesn't scare me. Tom Cruise scares me. But she just annoys the ever-livin' piss outta me. I stopped watching her stupid show YEARS ago because she never lets anyone she has on get a word in edgewise (WHY oh WHY invite them if you aren't going to let them talk, you ding dong?).
Whispered: so, what about Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas? I still can't decide on that one.
Posted by: Kathy at January 18, 2007 3:24 PM
Not to bite the hand that feeds the little dark monster in my cold little heart...but isn't complaining about celebrity backlash and celebrities in the same column a little ironic?
You make an interesting point, anikitty -- I should have been more specific. My objection regarding celebrity backlash was specific to people hating on celebrities whose private lives they've seen/read too much about, while our complaints against specific celebrities are based on their hackery and egomania, which really aren't Your fault. I've changed the heading to Celebrity-Overexposure Backlash to reduce the ambiguity. -- JCF
And why isn't Paris Hilton at least mentioned on this list?
Posted by: anikitty at January 18, 2007 3:29 PM
Yup, YOU got Home Front, Freaks & Geeks, Firefly, Arrested Development et al cancelled. Thanks,yo
Posted by: dammitjanet at January 18, 2007 3:30 PM
Oh sweet, sweet Jesus, I want to have a million of Pajiba's babies.
Posted by: Lisa at January 18, 2007 3:40 PM
"As many of you may, I have a perverse relationship with the coming attractions."
Was that on purpose? I read all of the comments to see if somebody already caught it, and then refreshed, and then checked again. "As many of you may KNOW"? Maybe that's some new trendy way of saying it and I'm just not up on the times, in which case my bad.
Posted by: Abbey Road at January 18, 2007 3:41 PM
jd- I'm sorry, but there's no way you can duck low enough for that comment. You loved her as Clarice??? CLARICE!?!?!?! To be clear, I don't blame Julianne for that shitastic movie, nor for the craptastic role as it was written (Hannibal- the book- was rancid), but dayum- at least say you still like her DESPITE that move. Jeezis. Now my recurring nightmares about "How'd you like to go swing on a star?" will come back- thanks, jd, thanks a lot.
Posted by: gobigred at January 18, 2007 3:46 PM
I want to add one: Angelina Jolie. I hate her, and not just because of her accent in Alexander. I hate her heron veiny arms, her alien shaped head, and her rectum mouth. I hate the people who think she is all brave for being an "out bisexual" because she fucked a model in college. I hate her for posing for photos of her loading bags of food onto UN trucks while wearing $400 jeans and $500 sunglasses. I hate her for agreeing to play Daniel Pearl's black wife in the upcoming "lets take advantage of his death while people still remember his name so we can make a buck" biopic. Why hire a black actress when you can get Jolie in blackface? But the good news is that she is a celebrity pilot so we won't have to put up with her for too much longer.
Posted by: Piato at January 18, 2007 3:48 PM
anikitty- yes, there is a beautiful irony in that.
Abbey Road- I think he meant it like, "as many of you may as well"
Posted by: gobigred at January 18, 2007 3:51 PM
"The same 10 celebrities who just spent the last week on Oprah's couch, Letterman's chair, and the vapid "Look: I'm masturbating to this celebrity photo" pages of The Superficial. "
Wow - didn't realize "The Superficial" is on the same level as the first two. Does that mean I should feel ashamed that I like their site?
Posted by: Brian at January 18, 2007 3:51 PM
some good points but my brain is too saturated with pop culture and other readings from your blog, other blogs, even perez's blog, and all of this mush somehow prevents me from being able to get up in arms.
I am only really intersted in judging friends, family and aquaintances, who still think Crash was a great movie. Then I get really mad because it's so disappointing... but from the 'You', the all-pervasive Oprahness, what's the use? It's all so nothing. Which means I really have to hand it to you guys for being able to see things clearly. And I always agree with you and I also want to have pajibas babies, one day. Thank you.
Posted by: adrianne at January 18, 2007 4:00 PM
"Honest to God, when did a line like this begin to seem deep: "It's what you do to the people you say you love. It's the only thing that counts." Fuck you, Haggis. "
Thoughts while reading this:
1. Wait a minute, isn't that from the crappy movie with no bands taht will change my life. He wrote that too?
2. Quickly IMDB Scrubs -> Braff -> Last Kiss
3. Yup, Haggis
Well, we all know what Haggis made from
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haggis
Posted by: Brian at January 18, 2007 4:04 PM
The only "You" for which I claim culpability is loving the show "Heroes." Other than that, I agree with everything said under "You."
Posted by: C at January 18, 2007 4:05 PM
"I hate her for agreeing to play Daniel Pearl's black wife in the upcoming "lets take advantage of his death while people still remember his name so we can make a buck" biopic. Why hire a black actress when you can get Jolie in blackface? But the good news is that she is a celebrity pilot so we won't have to put up with her for too much longer."
WTF!!!!
Please tell me you're joking. Will the movie have a musical number of her singing Mammy?
Posted by: Brian at January 18, 2007 4:22 PM
The Superficial is crap, but it's sister-site I Watch Stuff certainly doesn't give reach-arounds. Such a better site.
Posted by: Wehadababe at January 18, 2007 4:36 PM
Bravo, Pajiba. Brav-the-fuck-o.
I feel as though i have just awoken from a long nap completely refreshed and joyful. The feeling as if I have just weilded a heavy heavy weight from my chest onto the general public is blissful - the fact that it was lifted by the purging of a collective other is amazing to its core.
Posted by: Dmo at January 18, 2007 4:39 PM
My favorite Oprah story comes from one of her corporate sponsors. (Yes, the richest woman on the planet still has sponsors.) On her very first visit to Africa her philanthropy took the form of dolls...because every little girl needs a doll of her very own, right?
So Oprah is visiting all these orphanages and refugee camps and handing out dolls to all the girls (girls only) but she can't understand why the kids aren't more appreciative. Later she realized that little girls in Africa don't want dolls, they'd rather have, you know, stuff like food, potable water, medicine etc.
Posted by: Dirty at January 18, 2007 4:53 PM
Julianne Moore needs to take more funny, quirky roles like her characters in "The Gun in Betty Lou's Handbag" and "The Big Lebowski". The only serious role I truly loved her in was "Boogie Nights".
Posted by: SCG at January 18, 2007 4:59 PM
Thank you. Just...thank you. I cannot stand Oprah. I cannot stand the faux-spirituality, the self-congratulation, the constant adultion of the audience. but what I cannot stand most is the "reward yourself" mentality that has pervaded our culture, the likes of which I blame Oprah. "go ahead, you deserve it," "treat yourself," "it's about me," blah de blah de blah. It's everywhere. Shut UP!
You shouldn't get rewarded for something you were going to do anyway. You shouldn't get rewarded for doing something utterly ordinary. You shouldn't be rewarded for accomplishing life's basic tasks. And by you, I mean the You. I blame Oprah for this mentality and I thus blame Oprah for our nations spiraling cradit card debt because we feel we should reward ourselves for breathing in and out. BAH!!
*steps off soapbox* thank you. Writing that made me slightly upset, must go treat myself to a mani-pedi to offset this. I deserve it you know. Oprah says so.
Posted by: Theresa at January 18, 2007 5:03 PM
Too, too easy, but still tasty going down.
A minor quibble, but a major confab that no one has yet mentioned "Safe." All the reasons Ms. Moore is a wet Saltine in virtually every movie since made her a consummate victim of (perceived) environmental poisons in that very creepy movie.
Posted by: lurkretia at January 18, 2007 5:05 PM
Re: "Solsbury Hill" This is the second time I've seen this spelling. Don't you mean "Salisbury Hill" [Peter Gabriel]?
Just checkin'
John
Posted by: John Whyle at January 18, 2007 5:06 PM
Mel Gibson - Hated him ever since some interview many years ago where he essentially said he wanted to keep his wife barefoot and pregnant (and wasn't joking).
Torture Porn - What is wrong with us as a culture? I think I'm afraid of the people who write, direct, star in, and enjoy these abominations. I can't even watch commercials for them.
The You - Will someone please tell me when it became acceptable to have full-voice conversations in theaters throughout the entire movie? It's not a new generation thing: I'm 39 and I've had to ask people 65+ to please stop talking. I went through a period of a few years when I had an argument with someone almost every time I went to a theater (because no matter how nicely you ask them, many will tell you to shut up, or worse, and then continue their nonstop talking), but I gave that up--bad karma, and somewhat dangerous. Now I sit in the last row (because you can't hear people in front of you as easily as people behind you), and as far from all other humans as possible, or I avoid the theaters altogether. Sad. I guess those conversations are really, really important.
Posted by: Lilly at January 18, 2007 5:16 PM
"The only serious role I truly loved her in was "Boogie Nights"."
You know what? I begrudgingly agree - she was great in that role. I also thought Heather Graham was great in that movie. I'm beginning to think that it was just a great frigging movie that nobody could have failed in.
Posted by: Samantha T at January 18, 2007 5:17 PM
Hell yes, Pajiba!
This rant should be used as our marching manifesto when we re-take pop culture from "them". Happily I believe torture porn is on the way out, and talentless actors always eventually fade out. It just takes time, and perserverance, but we will survive. Baby steps.
Posted by: Rob at January 18, 2007 5:18 PM
..."so to me she's a stand-in for all overrated actors with both mainstream credits and indie cred (this is a list that also includes, for me, William H. Macy, Frances McDormand, and Matt Damon -- who I actually like, but who has the range of a one-legged shortstop)."
FRANCES MCDORMAND! Did you see Laurel Canyon, or Friends with Money or f**king FARGO!?
Jesus man. You're new and you've already entirely killed any seed of credibility you could have had with me.
Posted by: Eva at January 18, 2007 5:19 PM
The song is spelled Solsbury Hill.
Eva, Fargo was great, but McDormand was supremely irritating in Friends with Money (as she was supposed to be, I guess), and lord oh lord, did I hate Laurel Canyon.
Fargo was how many years ago now? 11? I haven't liked her in anything since, even movies that I otherwise enjoyed.
Posted by: JMW at January 18, 2007 5:30 PM
Wow, what a day of affirmations for me. Since I rarely have the things that I do/have/like become pop culture mainstays, this is one of the rare times that I get to say it...I have loathed Mel Gibson from early on. Braveheart sealed the deal. What an exercise in self-congratulation. Now that he's become down right scary I feel a little vindicated. I will admin that I give a pass for Signs. I liked the spiritual discussion, and Joaquin Phoenix is yummy.
Also, glad you note that IDLYITW is a worthy celeb-blog. I can even get my husband to laugh at that one, and he has zero interest in the celebrity world. Plus I get to show him pictures of Lindsay Lohan's goods, making me look like the perfect wife.
As for You. Fuck You! You are the reason that I only watch recorded TV now, and never go see movies. The only way I "watch" movies anymore is through Pajiba. Glad you guys can fill the void.
Posted by: Katy at January 18, 2007 5:31 PM
It's like looking in a mirror sometimes. Seeing Gibson and Cage on the list is nice. 2006 was actually a great year for petty little me, when my Mel Gibson/Tom Cruise-lovin' relatives ("They're so talented!!" You're just a snob!!") finally got served their freaking humble pie. Mind you, I've always had more of an issue with their overratedness than their private personalities (although: ick)--still, seeing these Hwood icons getting neg press for a change is...weirdly relaxing. Like the X-Lax finally took, you know?
And while I enjoy riding along with Dustin on the Haggis-Bound-for-Hell Express, I quibble:
"or that a fucking rich, middle-aged white man was writing a film about racism"
I can see how that gets up people's nose, but if this is the "rule", creatively, then better go burn your copy of "Tess of the d'Urbervilles."*
* I say this as a staunch feminist who's published on Hardy's works
Posted by: ranylt at January 18, 2007 5:31 PM
Thanks to Paul Haggis, I had to be with the Northern Alberta Teenage Girl Paul Gross fanclub. (Members: 1) for most of high school.
"Our American Idol is Taylor Hicks, people. Taylor Hicks."
Honest to god, I thought that was Leno when I was flipping through channels. And... does it make me better or worse when I can only half name one Canadian idol? (Ryan.. something. With the hair. And the fivehead.)
Posted by: Mara at January 18, 2007 5:42 PM
Finally, a chance to vent, sparked by that last one ("You").
I hate going to the movies. I just can't do it anymore, unless I am absolutely SURE the movie I want to see will not, in fact, draw anyone from the "general public." This is not to be snotty; this is the result of so many bad experiences - people bringing babies into movie theaters, people talking loudly on their phones, people throwing things. Someone was even shot in my local theater not too long ago.
This sentiment was solidified when my husband and I went to see Children of Men last weekend. First off, what the hell is up with the disturbing trend of people laughing at onscreen violence? Full out laughing? Second off, the guy who kept kicking the back of my seat can go to hell. Third off, the women who kept running her mouth needs to be kicked in it. And so on...
But to top it all off....
One row down and sitting right in the middle of the theater was a man who started having a coughing fit. A big wet coughing fit. Rather than excuse himself, he loudly removes the lid of his soda cup and SPITS INTO IT. I was so horrified and disgusted my husband had to physically move my face back into the direction of the movie. And once was not enough for this guy. He kept spitting and spitting and spitting, through the last half of the movie.
I just had to get all of that out. It's the first time I've posted a comment here. I just happened to stumble across your site and I love it. So, yeah, thanks for giving me a forum to vent this to people who will understand!
Posted by: Melissa at January 18, 2007 5:54 PM
"But the good news is that she is a celebrity pilot so we won't have to put up with her for too much longer."
.........
Hilarious
Posted by: Kelly at January 18, 2007 5:55 PM
This list is why I read this site -- actually worth printing out and saving in hardcopy. Thank you.
Posted by: TChek at January 18, 2007 6:11 PM
I love you guys! I was about to take a nap and then I saw this. Yeah!
Posted by: Candy at January 18, 2007 6:16 PM
the kind of stupid sadism that only appeals to the weird guy who sits in the corner of the high-school cafeteria, muttering to himself and organizing his Magic cards
...how did you know about my boyfriend?!
Sorry, just saw that and laughed so hard.
Posted by: Meg at January 18, 2007 6:18 PM
I actually pity trailer editors. They're only doing the job they're asked - which must be something like:
"replace the clips in this timeline for our previous trailer and change the date (look for a font we haven't used yet). The voice-over audio files are already in your inbox. Look in the old soundtrack bin for something to cue over the explosion montage. Producer said anything by Hans Zimmer will do."
The reason the trailers are getting increasingly bad and obvious may be the editors now resorting to blatant irony instead of self-mutilation to vent their anger.
Posted by: Sunsneezer at January 18, 2007 6:34 PM
Paul Haggis - truly annoying in almost every way humanly possible. but I have to admit that I still love Due South.
Torture Porn - dear gods, no wonder people aren't marching in the streets demanding GWB's head. How can Iraq compare to Saw?
Nicholas Cage - thought I was the only one. Good to know I'm not alone.
Have to add: Debutards and the press that made them famous. I mean really, just who is Paris Hilton and why the f@#k should I care?
Posted by: funtime42 at January 18, 2007 6:38 PM
I'm with you, Melissa. I used to go to the movies at least once a week back in the day, but for the past six or seven years, it's become excrutiating, and I've been whittled down to about five times a year. I'm sure I have what my friends call a "moron magnet" attached to me somewhere, and frankly I'm sick of telling strangers off in the dark.
To be fair, my last two movie-going experiences were actually pretty peaceful. Even "Casino Royale," though packed to the rafters, had a considerate audience that reacted collectively but never irritated on the sidelines individually, if you know what I mean (because I still like an audience to react, of course--it's a communal experience). But I take a page from your book--I selectively attend only what absolutely must be seen on the big screen, and rent everything else, and I never go to a movie within its first two weeks of runtime. Not even "300" will get me to the cinema opening weekend.
I know, I'm an old codger.
Posted by: ranylt at January 18, 2007 6:38 PM
Bravo on Oprah, Remakes, and of course You! - All of these are the tip-top on the shit list. I believe Oprah is the biggest blow hard, self important bitch in this universe. And YOU aren't talented or funny just because you have a cellphone camera. Although I am the same person who laughs out loud to America's Funniest Home Videos, so my credibility is for shit.
Great List as always, Pajiba!!!
Posted by: Eric P at January 18, 2007 6:46 PM
P.S. I fall into one category on the YOU list and that's Titanic. Yes I watched that movie 3 times in the regular theater and fives times at the 99cent theater and I bought the VHS. But that was a decade ago so I have immunity.
As for Oprah. I am so glad that I don't have to be afraid to say I can't stand her. In my culture, there is this old wives tale that says whoever you hate, your child will come out looking like them. That was 11 years ago when I got knocked up and I didn't want my daughter to suffer for eternity looking anything remotely like her. I am sooooo glad I got that off my chest. Can't stand her but I can't tell anyone I know. It scares me to shit to just think about within ten miles of a family member.
As for Scarlett and her missile titties....I liked her at first, I really did. I wanted to believe her performance in Matchpoint because it's a truly good movie but I just couldn't. I have too much taste. Now I hear she's fucking JT. I hate JT, so she and her blimp tities are dead to me now.
As for the rest, you guys are really on point. There's not much for me to add except that PS forgot 'Black Christmas' which I can understand because I had no idea it ever came out.
Posted by: Candy at January 18, 2007 6:56 PM
The only good work Julianne Moore has ever done was in The Great Lebowsky although I suppose it was due to the greatness of the script and rest of the cast rubbing off on her. She single handedly made Jurassic Park II suck quotient rise by 75% on top of the other 100% of suck.
And yes, we are getting stupider, we shall not last for long.
PS: Nicolas Cage has become, for me, physically impossible to watch, in anything.
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 18, 2007 7:08 PM
I agree with Eva. You're way off with McDormand. Macy, too. Erm, and Damon. At least we know where you stand -- that's one thing lists like this are good for?
Happy birthday, anyway!
Posted by: sif at January 18, 2007 7:13 PM
I was going back and forth about Crash--should I see it, should I not see it? I was pretty sure I would hate it, then I read that Haggis is a fucking $cientologist. So the decision was made for me.
No. Way.
And let us not forget that You are responsible for the cancellation of Square Pegs and Bosom Buddies.
Posted by: dr. doodle at January 18, 2007 7:15 PM
Oh, and YOU also canceled Platypus Man, DAMN YOU it was good show, it just needed time!
Posted by: BarbadoSlim at January 18, 2007 7:21 PM
"I hate her for agreeing to play Daniel Pearl's black wife in the upcoming "lets take advantage of his death while people still remember his name so we can make a buck" biopic. Why hire a black actress when you can get Jolie in blackface? But the good news is that she is a celebrity pilot so we won't have to put up with her for too much longer."
Yes, please tell me this isn't true!
Also, I found this site because of reading the superficial...am I not good enough to be here?
Posted by: SinnersterSaint at January 18, 2007 7:27 PM
I cannot count how many times I have mentioned that I enjoy scary movies and some dumbshit replies, "Yeah, me too. Saw was fucking insane."
...To which I respond with a blank stare and a raised eyebrow. Saw and Hostel are not scary movies, people! Yes, they may frighten you at times, but they are perverse and sadistic. A scary movie involves more than impending mutilation! To me, the only thing scary about these movies is that people enjoy them. Torture porn--very adequately named.
PS- I have felt so alone in my abhorance to Nic Cage. It is a relief to know that I am joined by the lovely Pajibans. Thank you.
Posted by: insanekelane at January 18, 2007 8:21 PM
Julianne Moore was fine as the dork scientist in Evolution. And in The Big Lebowski.
That's about it, though.
Okay, maybe The Hours, too.
She should do more comedy that involves pratfalling.
I'd hate on Jolie playing a bi-racial character more if I weren't beyond exasperated with Hollywood subsstituting various ethnicities as if they're interchangeable, i.e. "Sure we can cast a Native American as a Mexican, and vice versa. Sure we can cast Kirsten Kreuk as a Muslim. Sure, we can pass off Keanu Reeves as Irish."
It's been going on for long before this.
But to be honest if the woman being portrayed is okay with the choice I find it hard to be incensed.
Not to mention that if Wentworth Miller and Jessica Alba can get cast as Caucasians then it's hard to criticise one form and not the other.
Whoopi Goldberg for Queen Elizabeth, I say.
Posted by: Kinda at January 18, 2007 8:22 PM
Excellent, excellent list. I'd just got through a long bitch session about superficial people and how they pissed me off when I read this list. Pajiba makes me so happy to see that people still get rightfully indignant about such superficial, self-involved assholes like Oprah and You. This list made me feel better than any Lewis Black-esque rant session ever could.
Posted by: stardust_savant at January 18, 2007 8:29 PM
The Wayans brothers did have one great film -- I'm Gonna Get You Sucka. Very, very funny.
Posted by: Eddie Walker at January 18, 2007 8:40 PM
Hey! Please do not hate the trailor editors.
They are usually told what to do by a producer or someone from the studio and the chance that a good, original, creative job will be handed to them is as rare as, well, good creative original trailers.
Hate the producer, hate the studio, but know that for many of the editors, every time they are told to "make it cut really fast and add that highpitched whine in there then end it with black and a big boom" a little bit of the creative soul they have inside of them that made them want to edit in the first place dies.
Not every editor gets to be Walter Murch, and there are some hacks for sure, but a lot of them just end up as button pushing puppets just trying to pay rent and remember why they wanted to do this in the first place.
Posted by: missmle at January 18, 2007 8:41 PM
You had me until you mentioned Jerry Bruckheimer. Now, I have no love for the man himself, but the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN films are good old-fashioned fun, and he brought 'em to us. If your cynical self is incapable of acknowledging that, it sort of puts a damper on the love I have for your mentioning Oprah (though I think the U.S. could do with a giant female army, because then it wouldn't be an army, it would be a group of diplomats.)
Posted by: Ells at January 18, 2007 8:49 PM
Oh man, Scarlett Johansson. I walked out of "The Girl with the Pearl Earring" because of her. She seemed concussed.
BUT... Nicolas Cage. You need to watch "Vampire's Kiss." It's an awful movie, truly terrible, and Nicolas Cage's performance is amazing. I have no idea if the movie started out as a vampire-movie parody and he simply ran with it or if the movie was intended to be a psuedoserious horror movie that Nic completely hijacked and turned into one of the most bizarre, confused movies ever committed to celluloid. Watch it. You will leave with a new appreciation of Nicolas Cage. Just trust me here.
And I love Oprah. I can't help it: She's just this smart, chubby black girl who made it big and it making the most of it. I want to be her.
Posted by: LG at January 18, 2007 9:25 PM
Holy shit, Haggis is responsible for Walker Texas Ranger? Pass me a drink, ladies and gents, because I have officially crossed over into the Haggis "Everything is totally his fault" hate. Took me awhile, as I was quite ambivalent about him, and admittedly annoyed with the laser-like focus of the Pajiba scathing bitchery. But I HATE Walker Texas Ranger. My mom loves the show and I am forced to watch it whenever she comes to visit. I have seen the light.
John, THANK YOU for including Matt Damon in the overrated category. I unabashedly believe that his buddy Ben Affleck has always been as decent an actor (if not better at times). His performance in the Bourne movies is seriously overrated. Yeah, that's right, I said it. Matt's not a bad actor - just a mediocre one lucky enough to hook up with A-list friends. I can at least respect that Ben followed his own path, even if it was lined with some fuck-ups.
Dustin, words cannot express the appreciation I feel for the ScarJo hate. I watched MatchPoint to see what the hullabaloo was about - and was totally confused as to why ScarJo got props for the movie. Sex appeal? Please. Thank God for men who think sexiness in a woman is more than a pair of boobies (although, I can't deny they help) and half-parted lips.
As for the delayed hatery of asshat celebs, I'm just as annoyed as those who turned on Tom Cruise. I can respect (and kinda love) those who hated him before Sofa-Gate, but it was hilarious how the public and critics alike all of a sudden starting to demean his performances. Now, understand this: I fully agree that the man is batshit crazy. But damn if I don't still enjoy his movies. His performance in Collateral was underrated, IMO, because of the backlash. Dude was considerably more effective in his role than Jamie Foxx. Yes, I went there. Again.
Posted by: Daphne at January 18, 2007 9:33 PM
THANK YOU, whoever, for making my DAY! You said what I've been thinking about the over-rated Scarlett and her two friends. Have you seen her in the new Louis Vuiton print ads. She looks like some demented pixie. She has a giant head and looks moronic. She is the flavor of the moment and will soon devolve into diva-dom, I have no doubt. I am so, so sick of that girl.
Posted by: Trilby at January 18, 2007 9:38 PM
thankyou. i have tears in my eyes. also, i dont know if this has been said, but i totally agree about the julianne moore scene in magnolia...i just like to think that it was improv...i dont want to know that pta actually wrote that crap. "SUCK MY DICK", indeed. although she could do nothing to destroy the 2 hour long orgasm that was children of men.
Posted by: jordan at January 18, 2007 9:41 PM
A big AMEN to the hating people just starting to catch on to the horror that is Mel Gibson. I've found him repugnant for years. I wish I had a t-shirt that said "I hated Mel before you!"
Posted by: Ro at January 18, 2007 9:46 PM
also, YOU (the collective) totally destroyed my first viewing of children of men, when two wonderful folks decided they needed to bring their newborn child to the screening in one of those gigantic theatres and then sit right next to me. ahh, good times.
Posted by: jordan at January 18, 2007 9:47 PM
I will be touching on random subjects in no particular order, so please be patient.
To Kinda: Wentworth Miller ISN'T white? Wow. That is news to me.
To Dario Delfino, idgiepug, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. For some reason, whether it is Julianne, Andie, ScarJo, or whatever, they send fire through my loins, but I can't really come up with a performance from any of them that I honestly liked.
One thing you have to understand: wanting to have sex with someone is not the same as actually LIKING them. You can comfortably complain about Julianne's acting while still fantasizing about that red hair being matted against her face by her lustful sweat, or Andie's slight Southern accent putting a little twang on the dirty words spewing out of her mouth as you.....*
Uhhh......where was I?
Frankly, while I do find your (the Pajiba collective) vitriol entertaining, the fact that so many of you have developed such homicidal hatred for the people/things on this list and beyond is quite amazing.
I have learned to disconnect my sense of outrage, because if I didn't, I would have had an ulcer garden by now with all the idiocy in the world today. I frankly don't give a flying Fig Newton about Oprah's latest indulgence (even though the utter gall she had to give out diamond necklaces to women like Maya Angelou at the Legends Ball almost got to me), or the latest celebrity couple with a stupid nickname.
Nicolas Cage has my pity, since he had to sell his comic-book collection (which is why I suspect he signed up for Wicker Man: he could imagine all the women he was punching were Lisa-Marie).
What do I blame "You" for:
- not just for such wonderful shows like AD, Firefly, Kidnapped and more, but getting Greatest American Hero canceled (I wanted to walk on air, dammit! I wanted to feel so free-hee-HEEEEE!!!!);
- for ruining the glee from Snakes on a Plane by not dragging their collective fat asses into the theater to see it, but feeding the holiday crap machine like nobody's business.
- for letting a glorified karaoke contest become a juggernaut that scares the piss out of the other networks and ruins the middle of the week for me, not to mention ruining my Paula Abdul crush;
- making the damn IPod the most annoying gadget ever, so much that I cannot support anything Apple does, even though OS X rocks;
- turning once respectable and artful aspects of my people's culture in to jokes, trends, and crappy movies with good dancing, which in itself is racist;
But just so I don't seem like a total pacifist, I will let you know that me and my sister constantly fight about two movies: Anchorman and White Chicks. I liked the former, which she loathed; she constantly wants me to realize the comedic genius of the latter. We have found common ground with Children of Men and surprisingly Snakes on a Plane.
Point is, the only thing the Wayans family has ever done that was consistently funny to me was "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka". That isn't even a guilty pleasure for me, I liked that movie, so bring it on.
By the way, I always liked the word "carnography" more than "torture porn". Carnography seems a lot more intellectual and fancy.
*By the way, Rachael Ray is also on my "asstapping" list. Forgive my weakness.
Posted by: Vermillion at January 18, 2007 9:50 PM
Who says faith and love bring people together? I have never seen this kind of binding comaraderie in one thread before on Pajiba. Well done, my brethren in disdain, well done!
I am also sitting here chewing on the newfangled proper noun that You has become. A very useful word/meme.
LG - I'm afraid not even Vampire's Kiss made the father of Kal-El palatable for me. The only thing I can bear that contains him is "Raising Arizona" (for reasons I don't have to outline on this site, I'm sure).
What, no hate for Travolta? while we're talking celebs many of us can't even stand to watch in anything? (a list that has included Cage, Cruise, Gibson and Damon-fromage since forever, and I'm so glad there are others out there; I was sick of being told I must be a dike if I didn't find members of that crew attractive...okay, maybe not re. Cage, granted).
Yes, I quite enjoy the view from up here astride my high horse, thanks!
Posted by: ranylt at January 18, 2007 9:57 PM
I've never once posted a comment on any blog. But I am positively elated that someone shares my opinion of Scarlett Johannson. E....fucking....lated!
Posted by: Mish the Dish at January 18, 2007 10:01 PM
Great one this time! I TOTALLY agree with the Oprah piece! Talk about a god complex! Keep up the good work...I must visist this site daily!
Posted by: Amy at January 18, 2007 10:16 PM
Thank you, Pajiba, for elucidating all that I cannot when I try to explain how I feel about popular culture. It's not that I hate people, it's just that I hate the stupid, shallow ways they see fit to entertain themselves, and it looks like you guys feel the same. The last bit was especially spot-on.
P.S. - Is moving to Europe giving up or just trading up?
Posted by: Claire at January 18, 2007 10:38 PM
Okay, I realize this is so far down on the comments list that there is a strong possiblity that it won't even be read. And I know this is very far off topic, but I have to ask: Who is that striking beauty in the picture on the header of this post. I must know!
Posted by: CarpePancakes! at January 19, 2007 12:04 AM
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!! I'm so excited that I don't even know what to do with myself! This list is fucking genius! I agree with every single one of these rants, and they are so much funnier than anything I could ever come up with. You guys are seriously fucking hysterical. I'm in love.
Posted by: CourtneyJade at January 19, 2007 12:13 AM
Oh, by the way, excellent job on this list, every single thing rings 100% true. Some I've known for a long time (Oprah, Torture porn, Nic Cage...) and some I knew something was wrong but didn't quite know exactly what or how to say it (Jullianne Moore, ScarJo). Thanks again!
P.S. I must know!!!
Posted by: CarpePancakes! at January 19, 2007 12:13 AM
Holy Carpe!! That's not Scar Jo in that picture is it? Boy, I hope not, but I have a feeling it is her and I now look extremely foolish. In my defence, I don't think I've ever seen her with dark hair. She looks pretty good, whoever she is.
Posted by: CarpePancakes! at January 19, 2007 12:24 AM
OHMIGOD, THANK YOU. i thought i was the only one who couldn't stand oprah. for the longest time i had to grin and bear it when other people talked about her or face the consequences if i spoke my mind. THANK YOU, PAJIBA, YOU'VE GIVEN ME HOPE!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: hannah at January 19, 2007 12:32 AM
Great write up. I couldn't agree more with just about every section. And as much as I was pissed off at the talentless hacks that were mentioned in the sections, the 'You' section might have been the best. And it might have pointed out the worst of them all. When will people stop spending time and money on stupid, unoriginal movies and stop worrying more about what celebrities are doing than what politicians are up to. Jesus people. Pull your heads out of your 'loud chewing, Twislers bag rattling, mindless love of unoriginal movies' asses.
Posted by: Dave at January 19, 2007 12:40 AM
"Bite me, Andy"
I love you, Lollygagger. Have no fear: your hatred is completely natural and quite well founded. That scene still serves as my reference when I need to convey just how painfully bad someone's line delivery is.
DC- Thanks, I've been wondering what to call that madness, and torture porn is perfect. Someone told me recently that I just don't get the appeal of movies like "Saw" and "Hostel" because I'm an overeducated snob. My overeducated snobbery may keep me from understanding many things, but this is not one of them: scary and sadistic are not the same thing, and the fact that You can't (or won't) tell the difference is one of many disturbing things about the world we live in.
I haven't quite been able to express my hatred for You (or Them, as my friends and I have been referring to the torture porn loving hordes). Thank you, SF, for expressing it for me. Among Your many sins, You are responsible for the death of Cupid, and I will never forgive You for that. Bastards.
Go Fug Yourself isn't on the bad list, is it!? Cuz I kinda love it. Does it help that it brought me to Pajiba?
Posted by: elisamaza at January 19, 2007 12:40 AM
re: torture porn
i can't agree more. i don't know if you've ever read the book the girl next door by jack ketchum, which is a fictionalized version of the sylvia likens murder case--google it--but they're already in production on it. it will be nothing BUT torture porn, because that's what the likens case was. what's next? the ian brady & myra hindley story? do we get to see him chokefuck the little girl to death or is it done 'tastefully'?
i'm sick of this shit, for real, and i consider myself a serious hardcore horror fan.
Posted by: livvie at January 19, 2007 12:48 AM
I agree that Oprah must be stopped, but not for the same reason. What I find hardest to take about her is that she has completely bowdlerized her struggles as a member of the invisible populations of the poor, the non-anorexic, and the non-white into the usual just-say-your-daily-affirmations form of psychobable to attract rich white women to her show. Most people (including me) find it hard to admit that social inequalities cause most of our intractable personal problems. It's easier and quicker to give a poor person a "home makeover" than to admit that their problems are enmeshed in unequal politcal and social structures that take time, commitment, and lots of uncelebrated labor to change. She, of all people, should know better.
On a final note, "The Big Lebowski" is the only movie I've ever enjoyed seeing Julianne Moore in.
Posted by: Padma at January 19, 2007 1:01 AM
Fuck You in the name of Brimstone. By the way, I enjoy torture porn. Know why? When I see someone being maimed and mutilated, I imagine it's You.
Posted by: UselessFact at January 19, 2007 2:48 AM
I can't hate Oprah. The Color Purple still has the power to make me laugh, cry, and feel hope for the human condition. That said, I can understand hating the Oprah enterprise.
Posted by: Clarity at January 19, 2007 4:51 AM
what can i say that hasn't already been said? :D another Happy Birthday for John Williams, nothing else comes to mind...
Posted by: irina at January 19, 2007 5:18 AM
Kathy:
YOU also got "Home Front" cancelled off ABC or CBS (can't remember which now) in the early 90s. You bastards.
God, somebody actually remembers Homefront! That was an amazing show! They said that production values were just too expensive that they had to ax it.
If they'd cut some of these sucky shows off their list, maybe Homefront would've stood a chance.
Posted by: Cathy at January 19, 2007 5:40 AM
come on, now. Julianne Moore was great in Boogie Nights and in the Big Lebowski.
No matter how big she gets (her enterprise) I can't hate on Oprah. I find it easy to hate on Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart but not the big O. Then again I live in England and don't have her shoved down my throat 24/7. :)
Posted by: amanda at January 19, 2007 7:00 AM
I rarely comment on Pajiba, 'coz by the time I get around to it there's already ten thousand snarky and/or interesting points made.
But I have to applaud John Williams and his keen observations on the pros/cons of trailers. I've been complaining/hating/loving on them for years, and how a really good one will get me sised for a flick, even though I know damn well what the outcome will be. I don't have much more to add since he already said it all, so I'll just say thanks, and Pajiba is my air.
Fuck there are a lot of comments.
Posted by: Alexis at January 19, 2007 8:34 AM
I think the worst offender, re. spoiler trailers currently out and about, is the one for "Breaking and Entering." It reveals what appears to be a serious plot twist, and as usual shows me so much, in sequence, that I now have no need to see the film.
It's true, though--please don't ball-call the editors. I've worked in a "creative" commercial industry and I see what bosses do, repeatedly, to great, innovative, intelligent design and copy. I can only imagine what the galley-slaves in editing bays have to endure in today's LA.
Posted by: ranylt at January 19, 2007 8:45 AM
LG--I think I love you!!
Kathy & Cathy--I was a BIG "Homefront" fan. Love it...miss it....
God, I love Pajiba!
Posted by: dammitjanet at January 19, 2007 9:18 AM
Thank God. Someone finally had the balls to talk about the talent Scarlett doesn't have. I have been a dedicated reader for God knows how long and appreciate well written articles. I agree with every mention, however, I will now have to scrutinize why it is I like Julianne Moore so much. Crap.
Posted by: FairMaiden327 at January 19, 2007 9:39 AM
It was the year 1995. A 17 year old Litelysalted went on a high school Oceanography trip to Chincoteague, VA. On "activity night," she lost near unanimously (being the single vote for rollerskating) to go see a movie.
Suffice to say, Chincoteague's movie theater was playing only one movie that night: Braveheart. After being forced to sit through three hours of that loathsome, tedious dreck, (at the expense of rollerskating, no less) I have HATED Mel Gibson with a white-hot passion ever since.
Posted by: litelysalted at January 19, 2007 9:42 AM
Shit, the picture of ScarJo just got more scary to me this morning. It looks like she's wearing a wig made out of gorilla hair. The expression on her face doesn't do too much for her, either.
"Point is, the only thing the Wayans family has ever done that was consistently funny to me was "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka". That isn't even a guilty pleasure for me, I liked that movie, so bring it on."
I can't believe I almost forgot about this movie. I saw this one years ago and couldn't stop laughing. I'll admit that I liked "White Chicks" too, if only for Terry Crews' rendition of "A Thousand Miles".
Also, isn't Wentworth Miller made up of every damn nationality? I read somewhere that he's a crazy mix of everything, including English and Jamaican.
I live in the City of Oprah (Oprahopolis, Oprahtown, Oprahville, whatever you wanna call it), and, at least in my opinion, most people around here are pretty ambivalent towards her. Obviously there have been the "Oprah's a stone cold bitch" stories floating around here for years, but meh, as much as I dislike her, I dislike her sheep (and the fact that because of them, I had to say "Oh, you're looking for the new Oprah book? Every single one of them is right on that huge octagon-shaped table over there in the MIDDLE OF THE GODDAMN STORE!" for years when I worked at a bookstore) even more. They're the ones who buy into it. Endlessly.
Finally, fourthing (fifthing?) the "Homefront" love. I tuned into "Friday Night Lights" just to catch Kyle Chandler, but hey, what do you know, it's a good show too.
Posted by: em at January 19, 2007 10:08 AM
I totally agree on the Oprah dislike. For God's sake she makes me ashamed to read, because sooner or later the book might end up on her list and having that association to Oprah might make me have to drown myself in Lake Michigan across from her penthouse.
and is it just me or does Cage's voice drive anyone else up the wall. Its like fucking nails on a chalkboard, it is that annoying.
Posted by: missy at January 19, 2007 10:43 AM
Glad to see that I'm not the only one that can't stand Oprah. It's not her that scares me. It's her fan club. He cult like followers that worship her and hang on every word.
Posted by: Not Oprah at January 19, 2007 10:44 AM
I just happened upon this site and it's the shizzah! It seems to echo many of the same sentiments I have, and I love that. Examples are, sure ScarJo is hot ass, but she is a terrible actress. Also my hate for Oprah is astounding. I can't stand her and it grew exponentially when she embarrassed James Frey when in actuality she was the one who brought so much praise upon him in the first place. What an A-hole! I will be frequenting this site. Keep up the great work.
Posted by: Bujopolis at January 19, 2007 10:47 AM
UselessFact - Wow, I forgot about Brimstone. That was some heartbreak right there. John Glover was so freaking fantastic on that show. Lionel Luthor is evil, but he had nothing on the PRince of Darkness himself.
Know what? Fuck YOU for every show that got canned and ended up as reruns on SciFi channel, which has some taste. Oh, not to mention Farscape, YOU bastards.
Posted by: Vermillion at January 19, 2007 11:02 AM
Got up this morning and clicked into Pajiba to see what you cranky bastards were on a rant about today--and there it was --THE MOTHER OF ALL RANTS!! I love you guys. I knew there were probably many reasons for my generally pissy attitude these days but I couldn't have compiled such a great list.
Might I suggest a rant for the ubiquitous use of the word "hero" in every damn offbranch of the media? Until fairly recently "hero" usually denoted someone who put their own life and wellbeing to the side to protect or save another. Now you can't read the paper or watch the news without seeing the word downgraded to some banal application. Now we are all heroes just for getting through the realities of our day to day existence. I am thoroughly sick of it.
Posted by: djo at January 19, 2007 11:27 AM
The trailer for Children Of Men was a great example of what you are saying. They even showed a bit of the end. That really annoyed me.
I thought Julianne Moore was great in Far From Heaven. It just wasn't all that great of a movie. Otherwise, yeah, she should not be given a pass.
As for 'torture porn', I and other people have already been using this term to describe Mel Gibson's last few movies (thus combining two elements of the list). For years whenever people bitch about Russell Crowe I have thought "Yes, he is a fuckface, but at least he has sense enough to hate Mel Gibson".
Posted by: imk at January 19, 2007 11:30 AM
I've been waiting, and nobody's said it, and I don't care if I'm the only dope in the world who loves it, but Nicholas Cage was pure, unadulturated, straight-from-a-mountain-spring GENIUS in Moonstruck. As was Cher, and Danny Aiello, and Olympia Dukakis, and oh God, just everyone! Everyone in that movie is so delicious!! Gah!!
Am I crazy? Is there anyone out there who feels this way? I watch this movie about every three months or so - it's the ONLY movie I actually own on DVD. My friends think it's a little bit sick how much I love this movie. Sigh. The more you watch it the less sense it starts to make, actually, but every line is like some weird little poem that you can ponder and ponder and still not quite get. I love it!!
Also, I loved Cage in A Vampire's Kiss. But I do agree he is putrid nowadays. Hated Leaving Las Vegas with great intensity.
"Old man, if you give another piece of my food to them dogs, I'll kick ya till you're dead!"
Posted by: AM at January 19, 2007 11:48 AM
I.Love.Mel.Gibsons.Work!
So.
That's out there. As you see, i've got a very mixed up mind, because I love Pajiba also.
This is possible in my head.
And do read the last word of that line.
Work.
I couldn't give a fuck about the man himself, or his dad, or his opinions about gay or jews. And the fact that one big You-hype gave him press for a year about one drunken bust said, for me, more about You than about him.
So I'm going for it.
Get your stones and sharpen them..
I REALLY LIKED APOCALYPTO.
*Puts helmet on and becomes a dot running for the horizon*
And I like Scarlet, because she has the decency to look like me girl.. Sigh
Posted by: magiel at January 19, 2007 11:56 AM
"Me Too" comment #36,583. While I'm nowhere near qualified by age or intellect to agree with many specific points, I do agree with everything in principle, especially the rebuking of YOU. In copping out for "Person of the Year", TIME inadvertently gave a name to my pain, and it's the vast algae pond of stoopid that this nation has become. YOU can fuck off and die.
Posted by: The VZA at January 19, 2007 11:58 AM
Oh, God, Pajiba, you have saved me today. Thank you for being the voice of reason in a painfully vanilla world...I thought I was the only one who just didn't get the Julianne Moore Cult..she is so vapid and expressionless. And the You rant...sometimes I have to be forcibly restrained from bitch-slapping the complete brainless idiots out there who think that life ends and begins with American Idol. It frightens me. Makes me shake, you know? Sometimes the only thing that saves me is watching an episode of Firefly or Northern Exposure. I now know for sure that there are still people who are AWARE out there. God love y'all!
Posted by: Jen at January 19, 2007 12:10 PM
It seems pointless to be the 120th person to express undying love for all things Pajiban, so instead I'll direct my love to US (you know, the people who aren't YOU): Pajiba comments rock! I savor the beautiful and/or hilarious turns of phrase in the comments' sections almost as much as in the Pajiba-authored posts themselves.
This section's big winners so far?
"Maybe it's my cock talking, but I think she's a good actress. Also, I'd crawl on my hands and knees through two miles of broken glass just for the chance of disappointing her in bed."
and
"But the good news is that she is a celebrity pilot so we won't have to put up with her for too much longer."
Outstanding!
Posted by: Paris at January 19, 2007 12:11 PM
Is it just me or is Oprah the biggest ass-kisser on the face of the earth? I can't stand this woman! Whenever she has one of her shows dedicated to a new movie coming out, she just goes on and on and on about how it's such a great movie. No matter how bad it is. She kisses the ass of every member of the cast praising them incessantly.
I remember catching some of one of her shows a while back when she had all the members of the Wayans family on. It was right when "White Chicks" had come out and she was sitting there talking about how funny the movie was and how everyone has to go and see it. ASS-KISSER!!! I personally don't believe that Oprah is black. I think she has brown-nosed so many people over the years it has turned her skin the color that it is.
I sometimes wish that I was a really successful actor on the level of say Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Leonardo DiCaprio. I wish that I was like one of these people so that when Oprah called up a asked me to be a guest on her show I could tell her KISS MY ASS AND GO FUCK YOURSELF! Even if it ruined my career it would be so worth it.
Posted by: RAT at January 19, 2007 12:31 PM
AM-good for you! Moonstruck is a great movie. Everyone was perfect in it. Olympia Dukakis was brilliant. I still die over her delivery of the food to the dogs line every time I hear it--generally at least twice a year.
Posted by: djo at January 19, 2007 12:38 PM
With nary a word about Adam Sandler? Almost any informal chat about movie comedies some nabob offers the opinion that his movies are CLASSICS! I don't even dare ask if they've ever seen a Woody Allen film (they haven't, not even one), Philadelphia Story, Wes Anderson, you name it. Really this falls under the category "You are responsible for The Suck."
Posted by: Pops at January 19, 2007 12:44 PM
Man I loves me some Scarlett Johansson! I can't get enough of that girl. She can do no wrong in my eyes.
However, I do agree that she is coming dangerously close to being overexposed. She needs to cut back a little bit take some time off and maybe do only 1 or 2 movies a year.
Posted by: RAT at January 19, 2007 12:55 PM
I'm actually looking forward to ScarJo doing the Jenna Jameson movie. The book was quite good.
And as much as I would like to think I am above such things, she is hot. I like that she always looks pouty because that's when she looks the most fuckable. There I said it.
Sorry, but underneath my foppish exterior I'm just a basic horny heterosexual dude.
Posted by: imk at January 19, 2007 1:07 PM
Isn't this just a free reach around for all of your readers?
Posted by: The Stew at January 19, 2007 1:14 PM
"I wish that I was like one of these people so that when Oprah called up a asked me to be a guest on her show I could tell her KISS MY ASS AND GO FUCK YOURSELF!"
RAT, you must love author Jonathan Franzen, who was okay about being invited into Oprah's book club but stomped out over the idea of Oprah branding shat all over the cover of his book:
"I see this as my book, my creation, and I didn't want that logo of corporate ownership on it."
Nor did it didn't hurt sales, I understand.
Posted by: ranylt at January 19, 2007 1:18 PM
To be honest, I've never heard of him before. I like to read, but I've never read any of his stuff. I he dissed Oprah, he's OK in my book.
Posted by: RAT at January 19, 2007 1:35 PM
On the "I hate YOU" part: Years ago an online friend put forth the theory that there is a finite number of IQ points in the world, and the more people born, and the higher the population, the lower per capita IQ.
That theory is starting to look more and more feasible.
Posted by: Noelegy at January 19, 2007 1:37 PM
"I hate her for agreeing to play Daniel Pearl's black wife in the upcoming "lets take advantage of his death while people still remember his name so we can make a buck" biopic. Why hire a black actress when you can get Jolie in blackface? But the good news is that she is a celebrity pilot so we won't have to put up with her for too much longer."
Hate to burst your uninformed bubble, but Mariane Pearl is NOT black. She is Cuban and Dutch, raised in France. Now, if you want to actually rail against racism, stop using that racist, pseudoscience of the one-drop rule you have used in this instance. Have you seen Mariane Pearl? Exactly what "black" actress should play her? If anything a biracial actress should play her and no, despite convoluted American thought, black and mixed race is not the same thing.
Damn that fucking annoys me.
"Also, isn't Wentworth Miller made up of every damn nationality? I read somewhere that he's a crazy mix of everything, including English and Jamaican."
Yeah, pretty much.
Posted by: Emperor Cupcake at January 19, 2007 1:38 PM
"When we gorge ourselves on the minutiae of celebrities' private lives, it's not the celebrities making us sick; it's the gorging."
That just about says it all.
Oh, and I hate Oprah, too. And Rosie O'Donell.
Posted by: CS at January 19, 2007 1:41 PM
Nice. have to continue visitng your blog often now
http//blog.veds70mm.com
Posted by: Vedavyasa Bhat M at January 19, 2007 1:41 PM
To quote the evil Emperor. "Good. Use your aggressive feelings, boy. Let the hate flow through you." Hahahahhah... I love it. As someone who finds myself giving into the darkside all too often and getting into these kinds of rants with my friends, I feel your pain. Coming to this site reassures me that I am not completely crazy for loving and hating the things that I do. The curse of actually giving a shit about things like story, quality, craft, discerning judgment, and judging people on their merits vs blind hero worship is that 9 out of 10 people don't.
Good list. I too nurture a special kind of loathing for Cage's tendency to rise or fall to the level of his material, Paul Haggis (I've been on an on-again/off-again rant about Crash ever since it won last year.), remakes, and torture porn. There is something about Oprah's cultish following that is creepy. They remind me of Republican Bush-bots and Rush-bots.
Post-collegiate life is high school all over again. The popular, attractive, and mostly clueless people are back running the show. Meanwhile, anyone who is interested in analyzing something a little more in-depth or who is looking for something more than endless repetitions of bland garbage is forced into the margins.
Posted by: vagabundoloco at January 19, 2007 1:52 PM
For those of you that are expressing differing opinions on Gibson, Scarlett, and Moore, for the love of god, don't apologize! Just because you like Pajiba doesn't mean you have to blow them on everything.
Posted by: alexis at January 19, 2007 2:02 PM
THIS ENTIRE LIST WAS SPOT ON EXCEPT ON THE PIECE ON REMAKES YOU LEFT OUT THE SHITEOUS AND HORRIBLY VILE CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. THEY TOOK MY ALLTIME FAVORITE MOVIE ADDED THE VIOLENTLY HANDSOME JONNY DEPP AND SOMEHOW TURNED ITS BEAUTY INTO A VERY CREEPY AND DISTURBING MOVIE. IT REEKED AND DESERVED HONORABLE MENTION BY NAME IN THE PIECE. LOOOOVVVVVEEEE THE LIST.
Posted by: jane at January 19, 2007 2:07 PM
ScarJo's overexposure didn't do her much good. But I still want to lick her mammaries. Actually, for someone supposedly infatuated (my friends' words) by her, I've seen few movies with her (GW and LiT), everything post 2003 including Scarlett is photograph in my world. I don't give a damn anymore about her acting abilities.
The rest of the list is spot-on. May i include myself in the "I hate Mel Gibson for more than a decade"-club? Ever since a Playboy interview in 1995 where he outed himself as creationist bigot, he scares with every appearance.
Posted by: Jeff K at January 19, 2007 2:12 PM
Ok, as much as I love Pajiba, I can't agree with the ScarJo hate or the disgust on Oprah. Yeah, she can't act and she is everywhere, but at least she's not like the Hilton Ho's, blowing all her money on useless shit. Even with something as silly as dolls, she tries to give back. Gotta respect that.
However, I do agree on the James Frey argument. I don't care if the book WAS fabricated; the writing was excellent. The fact that it wasn't true doesn't change good literature. Oprah was just pissed b/c she had hyped it up so much. Who could feel bad for her then?
As for ScarJo, I honestly think she is talented. Despite that all she does is shove her breasts out for everyone to see, I'll take her over fellow pouty-lipped exoskeleton Keira Knightley any day.
The Wayans...oh God, they're horrible. I actually liked "Don't be a Menace" and "Scary Movie 1". The sequels were tragic and painfully unfunny, and the fact that people actually SAW White Chicks (willingly) shocks me beyond belief. Factoid: "White Chicks" was actually supposed to be called "Boy Band" and the Wayans were going to disguise themselves as members of a White boy band. I don't know which would have been worse.
Remakes: Too true. Nothing is sacred anymore. The day they remake "A Clockwork Orange" is the day I officially give up on Hollywood.
Posted by: Brie at January 19, 2007 2:13 PM
Thank you SO much for saying the TRUTH about Scarlett Johansson! A talentless one trick pony. She was so painful to watch in both Scoop AND Matchpoint. She's pretty but come 'on! Hardly earth shattering. And she's got the weirdest/saggiest boobs for someone that's supposed to be so young. I don't get the hype at all. Next!
Posted by: Lola lola at January 19, 2007 2:15 PM
Why do "you" all care so much about the goings on of these people....
"gossip is the best form of flattery...."
Posted by: jlf at January 19, 2007 2:29 PM
sincerest.
Posted by: alexis at January 19, 2007 2:44 PM
Rachel Ray... if I have to listen to her scream in my face one more time as she twists her own into a strange, bug-eyed, gaping maw, I think I'll stab a fork into my head.
Posted by: CLD at January 19, 2007 2:52 PM
To all of you no-talent-actor haters:
I love alllll of you.
I happen to live in the same town as the decrepid Andie "I'm a southern girl so love me even though I'm a HUGE BITCH" McDowell. Her stupid mug is everywhere on local non-profit posters, pretending she's a hero for posing with a fucking dog from the shelter. (I do feel for the poor dog. She even has to upstage THAT.)
I have to occassionally stand next to her in line at the only decent grocery store in town and listen to her berate the cashier for mishandling her organic free-range cruelty-free non-fat milk.
AND I have to deal with the fact that she has fooled everyone in this town into thinking she is some sort of fucking philanthropist. Disgusting. Her real-life is worse than her on-screen. If that's even possible.
Whew. Sweet release.
Posted by: Britt at January 19, 2007 3:07 PM
you are exactly right about celebrity overexposure. we only feed the overblown, egocentric monster and then blame them for getting in the way of the camera. it's gone way past america's guilty obsession and it's annoying.
Posted by: Allison at January 19, 2007 3:32 PM
Much as I love you guys and agree with this list, it's a bit rich to have you refer to the "celebrity backlash" and in the same breath link to your friends' stupid celebrity blogs. I've been coming to this site for quite a while now, but lately the sycophantic blog linking has really become a bit much. Right now, Pajiba's front page has Paris Hilton's eyes and links to some stupid I Don't Like You Blah Blah story about her. Under that is some blurb about Britney, and whoever she's dating now from Celebitchy. Or Yeeah!! or whatever stupid irritating gossip blog y'all constntly pimp here. If you're gonna pimp it, fine. But have the dignity to not pretend ya ain't.
And OK, yeah, I'm still pissed because I was reading this several weeks ago and the BF looked over my shoulder and there was NOT LESS THAN 3 FUCKING PARIS FUCKING HILTON PICTURES up and he's made fun of my "secret celebrity blog reading" ever since and no amount of convincing will make him believe me now. So thanks, guys.
Posted by: isabelle at January 19, 2007 3:43 PM
Yes! Your list is dead on (although Julianne Moore isn't really that bad...). Oprah is so irritating--even when she does great things I support, I'm annoyed by her preachy, better-than-you approach. And, you are definitely right about ScarJo--I just don't get her at all. She's blonde and has large breasts, we get it, move on people. But what about the emo/psuedo punk/pop pretty boys who paint their nails black and wear skinny pants and pointy bangs? Really, every time I see Pete Wentz or Jared Leto, I want to roll my eyes and groan....
Posted by: Lucy at January 19, 2007 3:58 PM
This is amazing I can't bear to look at Julianne Moore without reliving that scene from Magnolia with her screeching about taking other mens cock in her mouth.
The Scarlett thing completely mystifies me she is a very unattractive person both physically (slew footed, big lipped, porcine features) and her attitude is so horrible. She actually believes all the stuff about her beauty and sex appeal that she doesn't even try to act anymore. Her screen presence is the same as when she gives an interview. Her choice of movies proves that she is overated and an idiot.
Posted by: amara at January 19, 2007 4:01 PM
I've been living outside the US for over a decade, and was home for Christmas...eager to catch some shows in English for a change. My sister's cable co. offered 100 channels...A HUNDRED CHANNELS...and there was nothing to watch...each show was more appauling bad than the next one...nothing held my attention for more than a second or two. In addition to the slimy sexual sludge that oozed out of the tube,the deapth and range of desperate, grasping, scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel subject matter was stunning. Is nothing sacred any more? Even the stuff that is supopsed to be sacred, has lost all substance. Televangelists have become as faithless and false as the anti-crist they preach against. The commercials for penile disfunction and a million other disgusting medical ads were a new and unwelcome assault on my senses...I don't really need to know that Joe Blow took a pill that will give him an errection for 48 hours while I'm having breakfast with my kids. I never need to know that. No wonder YOU people in the states are so stressed out and uptight...everyone's sick or worried about getting sick or frantic about taking medicines with terrible side effects...such as anal leakage. Judging by what was on TV, everyone in the US is so completely focused on the penis, with all its ups and downs, that there is little room in anyone's head for thought. Food ads made me want to vomit...they showed WAY too much food, oozing, sizzling, and bubbling...I wouldn't want to eat at any restaurant in which I was afraid the food was going to errupt! We went to see ONE movie while we were home...Eragon...it was SO BAD...SO VERY, VERY BAD! We should have gotten out money back...if it were any other consumer product...we would have been entitled to a refund. The great pity was it was the one movie we "saved" to watch in English as a big treat while we were home. (My kids and I had read and liked the book.)
It's no wonder people dislike Americans so much. It's not that we have so much...it's that we do so little with the bounty we have been given.
I agree that the public has got to demand better...turn off the tv, stop buying those horrible magazines...don't go to bad movies. If we ALL stopped...it would dry up and blow away. Non-vilolent non-participation...take a lesson from Gandi and Martin Luther King...and just refuse to watch.
Posted by: BarbeeAnne at January 19, 2007 4:46 PM
Like most of the commenters here, I'd like to thank this site for giving free voice to many of the things that give me such deep inner pain, which not unfrequently explodes into a rage that my husband dismisses as "being personally offended by broad societal trends you can do nothing about." But I believe in letting the hate flow. Hate is good when it's directed at such totally unnecessary crap as a remake of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" (WORD, JANE!) or "The Year WIthout A Santa Claus" (with big-boobed, faux-tanned, hair-extended bikini babes replacing the adorable little claymated Mini-Misers), two of the sweetest pop-culture artifacts of my otherwise grim Gen-X childhood. Trailers that give away everything about the movie have been a personal peeve of mine for some time. And I'm sorry but one of the absolute worst recent examples of this was "Children of Men." NOT only did it give away the fact that there WAS a pregant woman (who felt it necessary to completely disrobe in order to show her condition, yeah) in a world where women "can't have babies" but also that in the end SHE WAS SAVED! So I knew everything I needed to know already. Honestly, that ruined the movie for me.
Posted by: R at January 19, 2007 5:05 PM
The only thing you need to know about Julianne Moore can be gleaned from watching Assassins. As it progresses you realize with horror and amazement that she is a far worse actor than either of her less than gifted co-stars, Antonio Banderas and Sylvester Stallone. The fact that there is anyone worse than either of them let alone both of them is mind boggling. I won't see any movie she's in and that includes even well reviewed movies like Children of Men. Just can't do it.
Posted by: Oscar at January 19, 2007 5:34 PM
DR - I wrote the comment about you punching Paul Haggis in the face before I even read this, so believe me when I say we're on the same page.
Seth - O, that uppity bitch. For the record, I've been laughing at that "Oprah...Uma" bit since its ill-received conception, so thank you for finally saying it. Someone had to.
Dan - There will never be another horror flick as good as the original Halloween. Resign yourself to it, you'll just end up disappointed. I can't discuss your other rant, as anytime the subject of Little Man comes up I run screaming from the room.
Jeremy - Thank you, thank you, thank you! I read the same interview, and have been boycotting Mel and his travesties ever since. And that bulldyke Foster can kiss it. She's too good to be a full fledged member of the team? Fuck her, and her anally challenged little buddy.
Posted by: Smokin at January 19, 2007 5:43 PM
For years whenever people bitch about Russell Crowe I have thought "Yes, he is a fuckface, but at least he has sense enough to hate Mel Gibson."
I knew I liked Russell Crowe for a reason, despite his public tantrums.
Posted by: Rebecca at January 19, 2007 5:50 PM
I think that you are my soulmate. I could not agree with you more!!!! Sweet!!
Posted by: Erin at January 19, 2007 5:58 PM
ScarJo- I've never liked her. The first thing I ever saw her in was An American Rhapsody, and she mumbled and pouted her way through that. Horrible. Ever since then I have been puzzled that she kept getting work. She'd be nothing without "the girls."
Yeah, what's up w/ the Wayans bros? In Living Color was probably one of my favorite shows and Don't Be a Menace was hilarious. Scary Movie was OK, but Little Man? WTF? Who the fuck gives them the money to make this crap?
Oprah is just the best salesperson of all time. That's it. I hate how she always says that she doesn't believe in luck, she believes in hard work. Fuck her. Is she saying that everyone who hasn't been successful didn't work hard enough? My parents and her parents didn't work hard enough? Bitch, please.
Torture Porn- good wordage. I hate that shit and won't watch it.
REMAKES!!! WTF?! So sick of that shit. It's not like they can't find a good script. You know there are hundreds of good scripts out there, but they are not as sure of a thing to make money as a shitty remake is. The Dukes of Hazzard--barf. And Jessica Simpson is so bad that she can't even do her own accent.
Posted by: bettylafea at January 19, 2007 6:24 PM
I'm going to go ahead and add Pajiba pop-ups to the shit list. Seriously, aren't you guys the only site left that uses these? WTF? Or just the only one that my pop-up blocker somehow doesn't block?
Posted by: jhupp at January 19, 2007 6:33 PM
It's something of a relevation, no, an EPIPHANY, to discover that I'm not the only one who hate Juliane Moore so much. (Well, not hate. I don't know her personally.)
But whenever she's onscreen, I just have to look away, even when she's giving a monologue without panties (yep, she's a natural redhead) or pretending to fuck Dirk Diggler. Yech.
Andy McDowell, however, floats my boat. Can't act worth a damn, but she's bee-u-ti-ful.
Posted by: Tritisan at January 19, 2007 6:42 PM
Oh. Mah. Gawd. FIVE people in one spot who actually REMEMBER "Homefront?" Holy shit. I figured people would read my reference to YOU killing it and go "wha?"
Damn, it was great. I was in college, almost done, and I'd rush home from where ever I was to catch it (no VCR or any way to record for me back then).
Then blammo it was gone. FUCKERS.
Posted by: Kathy at January 19, 2007 6:45 PM
I really giggled over the 'Walker Texas Ranger Lever' on Conan.
A Very Young Hayley Joel Osment: 'Walker says I have AIDS'.
I've never seen anything Paul Haggis has done without a level being attached to it, so I can't offer up any vitriol. It sounds like dross, but it's only speculation.
Posted by: M at January 19, 2007 7:07 PM
lever, sorry.
Posted by: M at January 19, 2007 7:08 PM
"It isn't just that the man looks like a mandrill"
THAT'S why I love Pajiba. And I'll never be able to look at Nicholas Cage without snorting a laugh again.
Posted by: Mary S. at January 19, 2007 7:12 PM
Just to add to the Oprah enmity:
Posted by: JMW at January 19, 2007 7:37 PM
i HAVE READ THE NEW GOSPEL AND IT IS YOU!i could not agree with you more concerning 97.5 per cent of your opinions.Mel,Oprah,the Wayans,Time magazine etc.etc.!I do think Scarlett is more than a talentless bitch and Julianne Moore does bring some credibility to some of the rolls she has taken.Minor quibbles for a tremendous piece of reporting! Gregorio
Posted by: Gregorio at January 19, 2007 7:45 PM
AM: You're right about Moonstruck; it's a tightly-written, beautifully-made farce with great performances. I'm not sure if Cage is so good in it due to talent, though, or just that the part was well-written and a good fit for someone who could deliver those over-the-top lines with a ridiculous dead-pan, poor-tortured-soul expression.
Posted by: Lilly at January 19, 2007 8:19 PM
A message to YOU: YOU can stop going to the movies and save $11 (New York price without snacks). That's right, just don't go. If people ask you what you thought about a new movie, just say "I didn't see it -- I don't go to the movies anymore." That ends up being a more enlightening conversation than agreeing on bad films you wasted 2 hours of your life on. Remember, it's not a crime to not be the first to see movies when they are released; your hip factor is not increased by having seen it all and being able to comment on it. Exercise your power in not showing interest for a film's "star" by not watching their dreck. For a movie you feel is really worth watching, rent it and watch it on your computer screen.
TV shows? Get rid of the TV (again, why pay for crap?) Got rid of mine almost 6 years ago and am still aware of what's going on. Again, you can rent the shows you feel like you just can't miss. I don't feel I'm missing out because I haven't seen the latest in Superbowl advertising commercials (that people actually