The Twelve Television Seasons That Didn't Make the 20 of 20 Cut
The Dirty Dozen : The Boozehound Cinephile / Ted Boynton
Pop Culture Item Consumed: Not the masterpiece war movie. Given the well-informed and not-at-all asinine debate about Pajiba’s selection of the 20 Best Seasons of Television of the Past 20 Years, I wanted to give some insight into the process through the dozen also-rans that were each staffer’s second choice. So, we’re not so much talking “consumed” as sucked in, swished around, debated, and spat out - I’m referring, of course, to the Pajiba War Room. Imagine Kim Kardashian at a Hell’s Angels rally: Lots of moist, sticky samples of dubious parentage and composition, indiscriminately pulled in with pursed lips, only to be kkhhhuchhhed out like an unwanted jalapeno. (Minus, of course, the “debated” part; as much as I love that majestic ass - truly, my peoples, the Taj Mahal of asses - Kim Kardashian couldn’t debate the contents of taco seasoning.)
Beverage Consumed: The trusty Screwdriver, for which I will need a reader ruling on definitions. Pour eight ounces or so of orange juice, then add vodka to taste — and by “taste” I refer to how much intoxication/hangover assistance/mouth disinfectant you need. I like an occasional Screwdriver, even though it tends to draw a raised eyebrow. You rarely hear someone order this in a bar, but restaurant waiters and nosy family members tend to refer to this as the “alcoholic’s drink,” a sort of throwback stereotype to the clichéd image of a shaky-handed bar roach scrabbling around his trailer home kitchenette outside Las Vegas on a painfully bright Monday morning, spilling a little OJ into a tumbler of iced vodka. In theory the OJ covers the whiff of booze and doesn’t look like a drink to neighbors, family, co-workers, etc. … forget that anyone within a one-mile radius can smell the alcohol.
The nice thing about the Screwdriver is its versatility in origin. Most hotel minibars stock the necessities, and there is a certain satisfaction in whupping up a bottle of Minute Maid with one of those little Absolut bottles and some hotel chipped ice after your 11:00 p.m. flight home from Omaha gets canceled. In contrast, it’s equally satisfying to squeeze oranges by hand to mix with ice-cold Stoli from the freezer and crushed ice from the QuickieMart. Refreshing.
The question is whether this qualifies as a “cocktail,” or just a drink? If just throwing some vodka into another liquid makes a cocktail, that really takes us beyond the Pantheon Theory - true Pantheon Cocktails being composed, of course, of no more than four ingredients (exclusive of water and ice), but typically requiring some imagination. Vodka has smoothed my journey with partners as diverse as diet root beer, lemonade, and iced tea. Not to mention cough syrup, Nyquil, and Milk of Magnesia. And that was just last week.
No matter how good it tastes, however, does it deserve the accolades of a classic like dry gin and vermouth? This is why cocktails are an art, not a science. Sure, I can slap on some body paint, eat a few chili-cheese dogs and jalapenos, and roll around on a dirty sheet with a couple of leprous, menstruating strippers. That doesn’t make me Jackson Pollock, now does it?
So I ask you, ‘Jibans: Is the Screwdriver a cocktail, or just a drink? (Sub-question, courtesy of Barry from Championship Vinyl: For current or former bartenders out there —which must be about every third Pajiban — is the Screwdriver still considered the mark of an alcoholic?)
Summary of Action: Imagine Ryan Seacrest and Mario Lopez in a slap-fight over the last tube of orangey fake tan, and you’ll have an idea of the virtual War Room that led to Pajiba’s series of the 20 Best Seasons of Television from the Past 20 Years. I feel we did right by the topic as presented, but it’s illuminating to review the “almost” shows that didn’t make the cut for whatever reason.
There’s no single defining characteristic to explain why this particular group didn’t clear the bar. It could be along the lines of Justice Potter Stewart’s definition of “obscenity”: I know it when I see it. (Interestingly, there are a number of other things I know when I see them, such as whether the latest Victoria’s Secret catalogue is “zipperific,” and whether that “rash” is really “contagious.”) Without further ado, the twelve seasons that almost made it, but instead burned up in the atmosphere of our egos:
“Felicity,” Season Two: Beloved Leader Dustin felt that a show addressing the grave concerns of beautiful college girls with tons of friends, any guy they want, and their whole lives in front of them, reflected the sophisticated concerns of contemporary drama. Also, he “really wanted to take her temperature the old-fashioned way.” Dustin initially wanted to go with Season Four, on the basis that he felt less grungy whacking it to a college senior than a girl just out of high school. Once again, however, we found ourselves circling the drain with a relatively recent entry. We know how you all hate that.
(Side Note: Dustin’s third choice was “Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place,” starring Ryan Reynolds and Nathan Fillion. As Dustin conceded, however, “Masturbation fodder, even the good stuff, doesn’t automatically qualify as great TV. I need some social relevance, too.” Tell it to Justice Stewart, pal.)
“Suddenly Susan,” Season Three: Dan Carlson averred that he was “suddenly smitten” with this gem that found Judd Nelson in full roar, continuing his iconic re-definition of the American maverick, which began with The Breakfast Club, continued in From the Hip, and found full stride in his portrayal of Brooke Shields’ love interest/supervisor in a typical American workplace, leading Dan to sum up why it’s so great: “It’s just fucking typical.” Dan also commented that he wanted “to lay Kathy Griffin down something fierce.”
“Xena: Warrior Princess,” Season Five: “It’s hard to pick a particular season,” noted TK, “because they’re all stellar.” TK attributes Hillary Rodham Clinton’s emergence as a viable presidential candidate “at least part-ways, anyway” to Xena’s paving the road for young men across the country to accept a strong woman as a leader, not to mention providing a strong role model for young women to contemplate becoming princesses who also cut people up with swords. Added TK, “Season Five was also pretty awesome because Lucy Lawless had big huge knockers from being pregnant for the first time in 11 years.”
“Rules of Engagement”: As noted in my prior review of “RoR” (as the pajibaland cool club calls it), RoR quickly supplanted “Seinfeld” as my Number One Comedy Ever In The History Of Time By Any Objective, Subjective Or Arbitrary Standard, Fuck You Very Much. Its membership in the Guide was shelved, however, when Ranylt threatened to “weep like Jane Eyre, hack like Lizzie Borden,” if I insisted on including it. At any rate, I think we can all agree that “RoR” joins “Just Shoot Me” in the time-honored tradition of keeping David Spade’s television career a-hoppin’.
“Caroline in the City,” Season Two: “I don’t know why I can’t get past it,” said Prisco, “but every time I think of this show, I think of my favorite comic strip.” Wiping away a tear, he shared with us that “every morning, after all these years, my mom and I still try to be the first one to e-mail the latest Cathy Guisewite masterpiece out to the whole family.” Aha, thought 11 people simultaneously, Prisco’s ten-year bout of celibacy, explained at last.
“Nash Bridges,” Season Five: Beckylooo cautioned, “Don’t scoff! Shawn Ryan went on to create ‘The Shield’ after learning the ropes writing Don Johnson’s and Cheech Marin’s insightful one-liners.” A little research turned up the fact that, at some point when he was working as an intern, Ryan also fetched a cup of coffee for David Chase, so he’s pretty much responsible for “The Sopranos” as well. “So,” continued Beckylooo, “No ‘Nash Bridges,’ no ‘Shield.’ No ‘Shield’ means no ‘Mad Men,’ no ‘Rescue Me,’ and no fucking Dark Knight. Losers.”
“Wilhelmena’s Rationales Substantiating Negative Response Stimuli,” Season One: According to Ranylt, this little-seen Canadian program had a lot going for it: a brainy-yet-knockout-gorgeous literature professor from the fictional University of Ottawa neurotically obsesses over her reasons for refusing to use one-syllable words. The show first aired in 1995, but only the first season featured the original lead actress, who was replaced the following year by Joe Mantegna. (Note: During Ranylt’s pitch for this program, I had to Google the words “perspicacious” and “concupiscence.” Ranylt said this means I have a tiny, tiny penis.)
“Temptation Island,” Season One: About the reality show putting four unstable couples on an island resort for a series of fidelity-testing, inter-couple dates, Stacey said, “‘Survivor’ gets all the credit for kicking off the reality-TV tsunami,” (really, truly and unironically using the word “tsunami”), “but ‘Temptation Island’ is the reality for an entire generation of women.” In response to semi-stunned, mostly-pitying silence, she continued, “No, it’s true. Pretty much every romantic moment in my life resulted from a swinging couples weekend at a cheesy tropical resort.” Never one to acknowledge an uncomfortable silence, she went on, “The girls know what I’m talking about, right?” Beckylooo, Ranylt, and AB could not be reached for comment. Then or now.
As for the rest, here’s a list of the remaining also-ran TV shows. See if you can match the program, along with a defending rationalization, with the Pajiba staffer who selected it. It’s like “Highlights,” but with vodka in the orange juice.
“Homeboys from Outer Space,” Season One: “I was watching this when I lost my virginity, which is just as rational as anything any of you fucking morons has said so far. Plus the racist stereotypes weren’t nearly as bad as the NAACP said.”
“She’s the Sheriff,” Season Two: “It’s from 1989, and if we don’t include some stuff that’s almost twenty years old, some cockmunch will whine incessantly about it.”
“Ghost Whisperer,” Season Four: “It hasn’t even happened yet, but come on! The fact that this survived four years clearly puts it in contention. JLH hooters alert!”
“Cop Rock,” Season One: “I don’t care that it was the greatest failure in television history, this show put more young viewers, ahem, in touch with their true selves than “The Wonder Years” and “Doogie Howser M.D.” put together. Stoopid critics.”
Agent Bedhead
Phillip Stephens
John Williams
Seth Freilich
How the Pairing Held Up: Well-mixed Screwdrivers and a Pajiba show-selection bloodbath? It’s can’t-miss, baby.
Tastes Like: If a nerd herd were thrown into a blender with the master print of Serenity, then that’s what the salty, red spray hitting my face would have tasted like.
Overall Rating: Twelve out of twelve, of course.
Finally, a plea: Please go see The Wackness, my peeps. Despite solid reviews, the box office has been poor so far, and this film deserves better. And you don’t have to take just my word for it. Mrs. socalled, who had both her sentimentality and sense of humor surgically removed in a horrifying procedure, viewed the film this past weekend. Not only did she dab her eyes slightly at the end, she cracked a smile during the film, the first time this has happened since clumsy movers destroyed my NFL-logo Barcalounger three years ago.
Ted Boynton is a dedicated sot who would leave his barstool only to stalk Whit Stillman, if anyone could find Whit Stillman. Ted also manages to hold down a job and a wife, three hours each per day, whether they need it or not. Readers may scold, hector, admonish or taunt Ted by e-mailing him at thecarygrantrules@hotmail.com.
Pajiba Love 07/17/08 | | Pajiba Love 07/18/08 |
Comments
I love Rules of Engagement too! I'm thrilled that it keeps the Patrick Warburton drawl quotient high in my house.
Along with The Tick, Family Guy and Saturday morning installments of the Emperor's New Groove on Disney!
I feel you can't possibly hear his voice too often.
But no love for Samantha Who? I feel that show really landed with a bang and hit the ground running. If those two things aren't mutually exclusive.
Make sure to check out Venture Bros. for extra-masculine Warburton. tb
Posted by: Loob at July 18, 2008 9:33 AM
bahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaahahahahahha
aaahahhahahhahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahaa
I love you people.
Posted by: Anastasia Beaverhausen at July 18, 2008 9:45 AM
The screwdriver is but a drink. And a sorry one at that.
I'm totally bummed about Felicity not being in the top 20, though it makes total sense.
I'd love to see The Wackness if only it would play near me.
This is a complete and utter (and likely bad) guess:
Agent Bedhead - Cop Rock
Phillip Stephens - Ghost
John Williams - Sheriff
Seth Freilich - Homeboys
Posted by: Cindy at July 18, 2008 9:47 AM
XENA!
I was a big Xena girl way back when. I can still do the warcry as good as the rest of them.
"YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!"
Posted by: Jaci at July 18, 2008 9:49 AM
Oh, "Ghost Whisperer" has GOT to be the TV Whore's pick. And I can't see "cockmunch" coming out of anyone but Bedhead's lovely lips, so "She's the Sheriff" has got to be hers.
Screwdriver? Too simple to be a cocktail; definitely a drink. And no, not the mark of an alcoholic. That would IV bags of straight vodka. Or is that just my family...?
Posted by: MO(meaux) at July 18, 2008 9:49 AM
ACK!
mention of warburton and no mention of News Radio? yea yea.. creepy andy dick was on that:P
Posted by: kikz at July 18, 2008 9:54 AM
I'll only drink vodka if it's with orange juice, but it's definitely just a drink.
a screwdriver is cheaper than a bottle of water in mexico and you're still safe from diarrhea (most of the time).
Posted by: Colin at July 18, 2008 9:56 AM
No Lipstick Jungle? Fuck you.
Posted by: David at July 18, 2008 10:02 AM
Well done. I'm glad you haven't adopted that sarcastic font or else that would have been visually hard to read.
Posted by: jM at July 18, 2008 10:03 AM
Here's a show that I wish would come out on dvd or at least get repeated on tv, and that is awesome enough to be on this list here and that's my tenuous grab at legitimately listing it:
"Bob"! Wherein Bob Newhart was a cartoonist putting out a comic with an office full of oddities, and his daughter colouring it in.
I loved that show.
Posted by: Loob at July 18, 2008 10:05 AM
I have to throw my love in for early Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place
Posted by: WestCoastPat at July 18, 2008 10:08 AM
Bar orange juice is gross. Also screwdrivers are for pussies. I say if you can't embrace your rotgut vodka and drink it via straw straight from the bottle, you might as well put your pinkie up and order a cosmo. And, for crying out loud, you picked She's The Sherrif for your 20 year old show? I mean, I totally get that Suzanne Somers' comedy chops are vastly underrated, but have you forgotten a little gem called "Mr. Belvedere?" Come ON, pajiba editors: Bob Uecker! It was BOB F'N UECKER!
Not to mention the creepy pedophile undercurrent of the titular boy-fondler. tb
Posted by: megbon at July 18, 2008 10:14 AM
A screwdriver was my initial introduction to the wonderful world of drinking. However, I believe in pouring the vodka first, then the OJ for a splash of color. I think that drink is a more rational choice for the screwdriver as there is no mixing, shakers, or jiggers of anything involved. Be ghetto and use a butter knife to stir your drink if you make it at home.
It is also not the mark of an alcoholic. I have always considered that to be drinking alone to the point of belligerence and explaining the existential origins of life to your fish, cat, or couch because no one else is home.
Not that I would know anything about that.
Is it ghetto that I stir my cocktail mixer with the knife with which I cut the citrus? Also, could "cut the citrus" be a euphemism for a particularly acrid bodily emission? tb
Posted by: Melody at July 18, 2008 10:17 AM
No Everwood? I know not many people actually saw the show, what with it being on The WB and being tossed aside by their insistence that 7th Heaven was the best family show on television. That was a damn fine show, though.
Posted by: Eileen at July 18, 2008 10:17 AM
Nash Bridges had 5 seasons?
Posted by: lateformyfuneral at July 18, 2008 10:18 AM
Screwdriver...greyhound...Cape Cod...vodka + diet root beer? Eek. Drinks all, some more appetizing and refreshing than others -- but still just drinks.
Now that I'm forced to think about it, is there any true cocktail (besides, possibly, the Bloody Mary) that has vodka as its key ingredient? I suppose its versatility is also its great shame -- just pour some vodka in it and you have a drink!
I don't know if the Screwdriver is the "mark of the alcoholic" anymore, but I daresay that vodka has been the last refuge of far too many confirmed alcoholics in my own experience.
Just saying...
As much as it pains me to say it, I think concoctions like the Cosmo qualify as cocktails. Not great cocktails, but there's a definite plan and execution with rational thought. Pure lime juice mixed with vodka, triple sec, and a splash of cranberry juice is actually not bad ... tb
Posted by: Grover at July 18, 2008 10:18 AM
Don't forget that Xena: Warrior Princess was also groundbreaking for it's portrayal of Xena and Gabrielle's...uh, friendship. It's just to bad they never got to air that very special episode, Fists of Fury.
Lesbo A-Go-Go! tb
Posted by: jM at July 18, 2008 10:19 AM
And for the fellas, we can't forget the skirt of Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, Traylor Howard. Total. Fox. Now she's farting around with Shaloubadoob... sigh.
As a sidenote, Mr. Boynton, I say this far too often, but this - this was my favorite Boozhound by far...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 10:19 AM
Re: drinking alone - there is no shame in it, people... unless there are other people around, who aren't drinking.
I have few rules in my life, but one of them will always be this:
"I only drink alone when I'm alone."
Learn it. Love it. Live it.
Posted by: TK at July 18, 2008 10:21 AM
AND WHERE'S THE GODDAMED LOVE FOR WALKER, TEXAS ANGER? There wasn't a show in history that so masterfully mastered the master art of slo-mo ass whuppins...
I thought that said "Walker, Texas Angler," for a second, and that actually seemed appropriate. We should find a place for this show, in any event, to honor its homoerotic subtext, which also came from a place of anger, unlike Xena's flirtatious approach. tb
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 10:22 AM
Megbon, to be a true vodka drinker, you take the bottle and turn it up. Screw straws. Vodka has good and bad sides. For the good, you can never go wrong with the Grey Goose.
Cosmos are for women/effeminate men who do not realize that:
1. SATC is not how things work
2. Just because you are 40 with the body of a 20 year old does not mean you can wear their clothes
3. Real drinks, like the beauty of a good Knob Creek on the rocks, scare you
I hate Cosmos and have only been known to drink them at a local bar simply because they did not have Crown.
Posted by: Melody at July 18, 2008 10:23 AM
Come on. No "Moesha" or "My Wife and Kids?" Where's the love for the brothas and sistas? Let's see some diversity, assholes.
Frankly, I'm disappointed in you all. Racists.
And the Screwdriver is a drink.
As in real life, once the token ethnic candidate is selected, that's all there is. "Homeboys" edged out "The George Lopez Show" and "After M*A*S*H," which featured Koreans. tb
Posted by: Sean at July 18, 2008 10:25 AM
Definitely a drink, and not a cocktail. Use 100-proof Stoli fresh out of the freezer. Stir with your finger for that true, authentic drunkard's experience.
Failing that, drink it straight out of the freezer; all vodka, all the time (I like The Rude Pundit's live vodka blogging).
Oh, and a tip for dedicated vodka drinkers: Never, never, for the sake of all that is Godtopus do not mix vodka with apple juice. I ran out of OJ one night and substituted Mott's Apple Juice, and had nightmares the entire night. Shite and pearl onions, not even tequila did that to me.
Posted by: The Wanderer at July 18, 2008 10:26 AM
Amen on the Traylor Howard love, Skitt. A-dorable (even if her choice of film roles is...questionable. *ahem*Dirty Work*ahem*).
Posted by: Sean at July 18, 2008 10:29 AM
As it turns out, April Fool's Day does not come but once a year...
Posted by: Lannie at July 18, 2008 10:30 AM
Melody, I am resolute in my anti-vodka-ness. That said, this:
Just because you are 40 with the body of a 20 year old does not mean you can wear their clothes
makes me want to find you and give you a hug because you get it, dammit. You get it!
Posted by: megbon at July 18, 2008 10:32 AM
The Wanderer, a good substitute is Minute Maid fruit juices. I have used Fruit Punch with very good results.
Posted by: Melody at July 18, 2008 10:33 AM
Also, I would totally watch WALKER, TEXAS ANGER. I think it's a show about old people in Amarillo who are too poor to afford a L'il Rascal and are really pissed off about it.
Posted by: megbon at July 18, 2008 10:36 AM
Oh, but The Adventures of Brisco County Junior!
Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman!
Touched by an Angel!
Other than Caroline in the City, I'm seeing no love for the wholesome goodness of the PAX channel. I'm disappointed. Very, very disappointed.
Was that the channel that had "7th Heaven"? It's pretty cool that a family-themed show provided my Jessica Beil/Mom who played Valley Girl threesome fantasy. tb
Or not. Those are totally two separate people. Damn, I hate when that happens. tb
Posted by: elizabeth at July 18, 2008 10:42 AM
"Is it ghetto that I stir my cocktail mixer with the knife with which I cut the citrus? Also, could "cut the citrus" be a euphemism for a particularly acrid bodily emission? tb"
Ouch. You made me cross my legs. :D
Posted by: Loob at July 18, 2008 10:57 AM
Thanks, megbon!
Women dressing in clothes that are meant for their daughter is one of my chief pet peeves.
Ted, "7th Heaven" was started by the WB. Unfortunately.
Posted by: Melody at July 18, 2008 10:57 AM
A hearty congratulations to the team for excluding
I would also submit that they not only do NOT belong on the Top 20, they belong well below at least 4 OTHER groups of Top 20 also-rans.
Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at July 18, 2008 10:58 AM
My heart is happy to see a season of Xena on this almost-list. Though my money goes to S3 for the best of the best. Good times.
Also, totally agree with the votes for WALKER, TEXAS ANGER. And I LOVE megbon's idea on what this show would be about.
But hey, where's the love for The Golden Girls? AGEIST ASSHOLES.
Posted by: Gabs at July 18, 2008 10:58 AM
A hearty congratulations to the team for excluding those also-rans.
I would also submit that they not only do NOT belong on the Top 20, they belong well below at least 4 OTHER groups of 12 also-rans.
Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at July 18, 2008 10:59 AM
According to my dearest wikipedia, PAX has now become the ION Network and inexplicably broadcasts an hour each of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper and The Steve Harvey Show every weeknight.
Back in the Pre-9/11 days, PAX was the only channel that came through our ghetto tv box in our sub-sub-basement apartment in Back Bay. We could literally hear the cheering of the crowds at Fenway, yet we could only watch endless repeats of Touched by An Angel and Worship Television. We dreamt often of beating our landlord to a bloody pulp, or at least keying his BMW.
Posted by: elizabeth at July 18, 2008 11:00 AM
Goddamnit.
My keyboard is sticking somethin' awful, and missing html bits are all too often the result.
Of course, if ' just take the time to PREVIEW before posting -- meh.
Posted by: Maryscott O'Connor at July 18, 2008 11:04 AM
TK,
Why are you hanging around people who don't drink? It's almost a prerequisite for hanging out with my friends. I think the level of our dedication to alcohol consumption is frightening to the non-believers.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at July 18, 2008 11:09 AM
I haven't seen this anywhere on the site, so I'll tell everyone that Spaced is starting up on BBC America. There's a marathon on Sunday and then I would assume regular showings after that. Also, I think it's coming out on DVD Tuesday.
Posted by: Three-nineteen at July 18, 2008 11:15 AM
(Motherf-ing)Cavemen BETTER have made the top 20 bitches!
Posted by: JR at July 18, 2008 11:20 AM
Where's the Batman review, bitches?
Posted by: hater from siloam springs at July 18, 2008 11:21 AM
Is it ghetto that I stir my cocktail mixer with the knife with which I cut the citrus?
Umm... not ghetto. I generally stir mine with a butter knife or a soup spoon. Whatever's closest. Wait, maybe that just means that I'm ghetto...
Screwdriver was the first drink that fourteen-year-old me tried. Then I discovered coolers. Then Crown and Gingerale. It all went downhill from there.
Posted by: Pea at July 18, 2008 11:41 AM
I don't think a screwdriver is the mark of an alcoholic necessarily, though I'm fairly sure the only reason my dad ever splashes a bit of OJ into his vodka is to keep my mom from making comments about it only being 4 pm...
Posted by: christine at July 18, 2008 11:41 AM
What -- no "Facts of Life???"
I think the vodka gimlet qualifies as both a drink AND a cocktail.
I think you just hit upon the definitional tipping point from drink to cocktail: If you're squeezing your own citrus to make the drink, it becomes a cocktail through the TLC. I'd have to say that gimlet is definitely a cocktail -- though a true gimlet is made with gin -- and what's the difference between a gimlet and a screwdriver? Gin and lime juice versus vodka and OJ? Or switch it around, gin and orange juice is delicious, and if I juiced the oranges my own damn self, that's a cocktail, bitches. tb
Posted by: Jimbob at July 18, 2008 11:44 AM
Thank you Elizabeth! I still miss Saturday morning wake-n-bake with Brisco County, Jr. reruns.
I also happened to think that Northern Exposure had some fun moments but I am old and most of you people were probably in diapers when it first aired.
Posted by: Brigette at July 18, 2008 11:48 AM
Brigette, my ever-impulsive boyfriend purchased the complete (one season) series DVD set of Brisco County. All the episode recaps are "written by" Bruce Campbell and he's as hammy as ever. I love that guy : ) Dixie Cousins, however, seems to have learned to act by listening to the radio.
Posted by: elizabeth at July 18, 2008 11:55 AM
Hee! It seemed like there were more than just one season's worth of episodes of BC,Jr. but then I drank and drugged a lot back than.
Posted by: Brigette at July 18, 2008 11:59 AM
Brigette,
I agree with you about Northern Exposure - the first season was really good. I have a favorite too... *whispers* the final season of 'thirtysomething'.
Nash Bridges would have been a good target for classic Pajiba bitchiness. Especially the douche in the flair-laden beret. Did I read that Don Johnson dated the girl who played his daughter? Squicky.
Drinks-wise, screwdrivers certainly have their place, but I'm a fan of vodka and Indian tonic water. I like to believe the quinine keeps mosquitoes away, but even if I get bitten, I'm too happy to care.
Posted by: StephanieS at July 18, 2008 12:06 PM
I have to say that Mr. Nonymous and I do like Rules of Engagement as long as Patrick Warburton is on-screen. David Spade could die tomorrow and I wouldn't shed a tear, and Oliver Hudson and what's-her-name are just boring.
Suddenly Susan...well, let's just say that starting with the pilot, I have always referred to this show as Suddenly a Good Time to Do the Dishes.
Posted by: KateNonymous at July 18, 2008 12:13 PM
That said, this post was a thing of beauty. Also it made me want a Screwdriver, and not the Home Depot kind. Damn, I miss my tolerance level.
Posted by: KateNonymous at July 18, 2008 12:15 PM
That was a well done and entertaining article. But was it satire? My brain must be foggy this morning, I feel like I missed something.
Posted by: EricD at July 18, 2008 12:29 PM
Okay nevermind. I looked back at just the shows mentioned and yeah, they are all crap. But this was so well written my poor brain got confused.
Posted by: EricD at July 18, 2008 12:32 PM
"According to Ranylt, this little-seen Canadian program had a lot going for it: a brainy-yet-knockout-gorgeous literature professor from the fictional University of Ottawa neurotically obsesses over her reasons for refusing to use one-syllable words."
This is so unbelievably funny to me, because I'm an alumni of this "fictional" school.
Posted by: Nancy at July 18, 2008 12:34 PM
I just can't believe, after all of these entries, that The Single Guy still remains glaringly absent. Somewhere out there Jonathan Silverman is sobbing into the decaying shoulder of Bernie Lomax.
And heh, screwdrivers immediately evoke memories of high school...pilfered booze, South Park marathons, drama club parties, and Zima. We were COOL.
Posted by: Julie at July 18, 2008 12:35 PM
So, is rum more wussy than vodka? Is a vodka cranberry worse than, say, a mai tai?
Posted by: Three-nineteen at July 18, 2008 12:42 PM
I try my best to limit my comments to the general theme of any particular column that I comment on. But I get bored so easily these days that I'm constantly trying to find my next fix or my next laugh. In essence it is becoming more clear to me that I have nothing but contempt for Pajiba. Thus my next project is to highjack the comment section and start reviewing my own goddamn movies. The cynical among you might say "fuck, if you feel that way Pookie then go and start your own site, you asshole. I say to that " it's my life and I can do as I please." I do not wish to turn this into a spectacle, I just want you all to respect my decision.
Posted by: Pookie at July 18, 2008 12:43 PM
the Esquire Guide to Making Drinks (i probably have the title wrong seeing as how i haven't seen the actual book in at least 15 years) that my father had in paperback from the 50's defined a cocktail as containing no less than 2 different types of alcohol. anything else is a mixed , or long, drink. i believe their definition because this book also listed only the following ingredients for a martini:
ice cold gin
dry white vermouth
acceptable garnishes: pimento olive, pickled onion, lemon rind
it did list a drink that mixed vodka with dry vermouth, it was called a kangaroo.
as for best seasons on tv? any love for Samurai Jack?
Posted by: causaubon at July 18, 2008 12:46 PM
Mmm, mai tais are yummy. I like my alcoholic beverages to be over embellished with garnishes and umbrellas. Just like my...men? No, that's not right, I don't like them covered with fruit.
Posted by: Julie at July 18, 2008 12:46 PM
SoD, you've waited long enough...
How was the movie?
Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. Everybody here is waiting for the review. And as a regular commentator, especially given the fact that you were giddy as a schoolgirl because you had tickets, you need to dish the dirt while we wait.
GIVE US THE INFORMATION! NOW! Godtopus help us, we will take extreme measures... Car battery measures. Alcohol deprivation measures, even.
It's understandable you might be hesitant, thinking you might gush on perhaps too much about the film before a review gets posted. BUT THROW US A BONE DAMMIT!
We know you're out there...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 12:57 PM
Pookie my dear, I welcome the spectacle. Review something. Anything.
Preferably a film of "adult" nature - we could call it Pajiba's Underappreciated (while thoroughly enjoyed in the dark sans pants) Naughty Gems. Start with the classics, working your way up to more mainstream fare... Only thing is, and this may be a dealbreaker, you gotta do it without using any filthy phrases. That's right - keep it G, bub. I want to be able to read it to my Grandfolks without the slightest hint of uncomfortableness...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 1:02 PM
although, i think the best definition of a cocktail is "a drink invented by alcoholics, for alcoholics".
Posted by: causaubon at July 18, 2008 1:06 PM
Is the Wilhemina thing just a mockery re: the much loathed Emily's Reason's Why Not...?
Because I kind of wish I could see a show about not using multi-syllabic words. Esp if it's Canadian.
And not to be anti-American BUT - Coupling? Slings & Arrows? MI-5? All brilliant, and any one season could've made the list...
Posted by: ChunkyMonkey at July 18, 2008 1:07 PM
Julie,
What if the fruit covering your man was soaked in vodka?
Posted by: Three-nineteen at July 18, 2008 1:08 PM
I'm not a bartender, but I'm a liquor store clerk. I'd say you can tell the most "confirmed" alcoholics when they start buying the mickey of vodka + 6 pack of beer combo. Ew ew ew ew ew.
I mean, I could almost understand if this was the US, but we're in Canada here.
Posted by: Sarah at July 18, 2008 1:13 PM
...that would be acceptable, 3/19 :P
Posted by: Julie at July 18, 2008 1:23 PM
I thought vodka in general is called the woman/alcoholic's drink because it evaporates pretty quickly and doesn't have the overpowering alcoholic smell. I remember a couple of times in high school when my mom asked me why my clothes smelled like OJ.
Re: Cocktail vs. Drink
This is like defining a hole but I suggest a cocktail is an alcoholic beverage that:
-requires a shaker
-requires preparation (mashing of limes, mint etc.)
-requires more than one alcohol or mixer (Tom Collins)
Posted by: amanda47 at July 18, 2008 1:35 PM
Seriously... SoD? Dustin? SpamBot? Where the hell is everybody? Granted there's a few folk here, but there's a decidedly smaller amount of folk 'round these parts... It's nice to see Julie and causaubon and all, but are all of you sumanabitches having a goddamed Dark Night party?
I WANT A REVIEW! ... sob... So, so... alone. Scared and alone... I wish there were a Pajiban in my neck of the woods... We could get loaded and drive the MurderTank with the top down... No worries for DUIs - we'll just put that bitch on autopilot... You could help me smear sunscreen on Minimus...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 1:38 PM
Skittiums, before you have a damn coronary - Pajiba's DK review goes up in an hour or so, I believe. Settle down, freako.
Oh, I should probably mention that the review will be written entirely in Tagalog. So, you know, brush up.
saráp! tb
Posted by: TK at July 18, 2008 1:46 PM
"Skittiums?"
Fuck it, I like that. From here on out, I'm calling you that.
Posted by: TK at July 18, 2008 1:47 PM
You're giving these people false hope, TK. It's coming via the West Coast, from Dan. So, it'll likely come later in the day. I should hope, however, that our review isn't the deciding factor between The Dark Knight and Mamma Mia. But, you'll have all weekend to spill your happy thoughts in the DK thread.-- DR
Posted by: Dustin at July 18, 2008 1:52 PM
Thanks, man. Jesus, I don't know what the hell happened there... I lost it. As far as the Skittiums, thing goes? As long as it's only you sweetheart... As long as it's only you.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 1:54 PM
I've never liked the taste of alcohol. I make the bitter beer face no matter what. But I love orange juice, and so I've been a screwdriver drinker for the past decade or so (perhaps because I didn't start drinking until after high school, I never did the winecoolers/zima/boone's thing). I've often been mocked for my choices, especially when I gussy it up with some Galliano for a Harvey Wallbanger (sample bartender comment: "Wow, I don't think anyone's ordered that since the 70s").
A screwdriver is a drink, plain and simple. But I agree with Jimbo, if I squeeze my own juice, it's a cocktail (and stay away from that pitcher in the fridge--I didn't spend fifteen minutes cleaning my juicer this afternoon so you could drink my fucking OJ).
I remember in college when Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place was on in reruns when I would get home from classes. That followed by a nap was never a bad way to spend an afternoon.
Posted by: Munkymack at July 18, 2008 1:54 PM
Top 5 reasons why watching Skitt lose it is more fun than watching The Dark Knight:
5. no crowds
4. it's free
3. "Skittiums"
2. increased chance of a MurderTank spree (please get Andy Dick first)
1. don't have to sneak in alcohol
Posted by: Three-nineteen at July 18, 2008 1:58 PM
Dustin's third choice was "Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place," starring Ryan Reynolds and Nathan Fillion.
If Robert Downey, Jr., had guest-starred, I'm betting Dawg would have taken everybody prisoner until you all agreed it must go in the twenty best. He might have thrown in an "I will execute one person every half hour until my demands are met" thing. I don't know Pajiban internal politics well enough to know whom he would cap first.
Posted by: Todd at July 18, 2008 1:58 PM
What can I say, bossman. I like to toy with their emotions.
Particularly Skittiums.
Posted by: TK at July 18, 2008 2:01 PM
The Dark Knight and Mamma Mia
Is there something we should know Dustin? Did you go see Mamma Mia first?
Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place
Berg was so cute and funny. Mmmmm...Ryan's abs...
Posted by: Melody at July 18, 2008 2:02 PM
You've got a cold, black heart, encased in an afghan of cruelty, and smothered in a smoky chipolte glaze of bitterness, my friend.
Three-nineteen... Andy Dick's on the list, but I've got issues with Tucker Douche, Douche Cook, and Douchester Pratt first...
Posted by: Skittiums at July 18, 2008 2:07 PM
Piss on that. Skittiums sounds like a medicinal candy. Like Skittles if they put you to sleep...
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 2:08 PM
Pookie's Prognostications: " The Last American Virgin"
During the hot summer days growing up in Miami, my half brother and I would always find ourselves sneaking into the pool of the old white lady that lived down the street from us. We would spend those days playing tag and other games of our youth. Puberty had just set in and for the next six years or so it was nothing but going to the clinic for treatment for various whatnots. In 1982 "The Last American Virgin" came out and it was an instant classic, directed and written by Boaz Davidson. Davidson was a Jew(ish) and he received a government scholarship to attend film school in London, I'm not sure if he directed any more movies but he did produce a bunch of movies. TLAV stared Lawrence Monoson as Gary, Diane Franklin as Karen, and Steve Antin as Rick. TLAV also has many other characters that are not part of the overall telling of the story. Gary falls in love with the new girl at school which is Karen and they have nice relations and decide to go steady as a couple. This movie follows forum in that boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back. But unlike other movies this movie made me cry at the end. Anyway back to the review, after a long relationship things go bad the Karen gets pregnant by Gary's best friend Rick. All hell breaks loose when Karen tells Rick she's pregnant and he won't take care of his responsibilities and disowns her. Gary finds out and steps up to the plate, and like a real man he take's her to get an abortion. Gary then nurse Karen back to health and realizes he's in love with her and sets out to make a home for her. On a personal note if I'm hitting some vag and my friend hits it, there is no way I can take her back. Now I can understand if they ran a train on her, but if I'm hitting it and taking care of it then my homeboy can't get none. Gary goes to be with Karen and finds her in the arms of Rick, he is heart broken, and he learns a lesson. This movie has an excellent soundtrack and it's a good Romance/Comedy movie. I think a good time will be had by all by checking out TLAV.
Posted by: Pookie at July 18, 2008 2:10 PM
"On a personal note if I'm hitting some vag and my friend hits it, there is no way I can take her back. Now I can understand if they ran a train on her, but if I'm hitting it and taking care of it then my homeboy can't get none."
Any way I get get that stitched in needlepoint?
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 2:15 PM
i love you pajiba, but if you do not post the dark knight review soon i will rage in my office, possibly throwing my flatscreen monitor against the wall (as there are no windows to chuck it from.) just sayin'.
Posted by: janana at July 18, 2008 2:32 PM
Home Is Where the Heart Is
Cleanliness Is Next to Godliness
if I'm hitting some vag and my friend hits it, there is no way I can take her back. Now I can understand if they ran a train on her, but if I'm hitting it and taking care of it then my homeboy can't get none
I guess what I'm saying is, I miss home. tb
Posted by: ted boynton at July 18, 2008 2:33 PM
Skitts did you really like my review? I'm kinda nervous and all with this being my first review. I was thinking about submitting some of my samples to various review sites and wait and see what happens. I'm a computer programmer by trade, but if this writing thing takes off the skies the limit.
Posted by: Pookie at July 18, 2008 2:37 PM
Seriously, I think we've found our next shirt.
Posted by: Skittimus Maximus at July 18, 2008 2:37 PM
Mini-diversion for Canadians (er, can a commenter call a diversion? Ah well, too late, it seems I just did). Input from other nationalities is more than welcome, of course. Sarah, your comment on the buying habits of alcoholics reminded me of this quandary:
What exactly is a "mickey" of spirits?
See, out here on the east coast, a mickey is one of those tiny shot-sized bottles. Many call them "airplane bottles." However, when I went to university, I found that people were calling a pint bottle a mickey. ('Round these parts, we call a pint "a pint"). I've also heard people call the monster-sized 3-litre bottles (which I would call a "Texas Mickey"), mickeys.
Is this a regional variation? I'm particularly interested in what Sarah's definition is....
Posted by: MO(meaux) at July 18, 2008 2:46 PM
For Skittimus...my review of Dark Knight:
If you don't see this movie this weekend, you are a commie-loving terorist. You eat flags and spit on babies. You'll be dragged out into the street by three horny pandas and made to watch reruns of Paris Hilton's Simple Life until you bleed rectally through your nose.
It is that powerful.
Go...now...
Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at July 18, 2008 2:52 PM
I'm seeing it Tuesday, whee!
Posted by: Julie at July 18, 2008 2:54 PM
You forgot the first season of Small Wonder, muthafuckahs.
Posted by: ohgrl at July 18, 2008 2:59 PM
"She's The Sheriff"? Was that Suzanne Somers n' Patrick Duffy? yes, yes, and yes sir.
But seriously, what's up with not including "News Radio" at all, on the original list?
Posted by: richbachelor at July 18, 2008 3:02 PM
Pookie, great review, but I have one tiny question..
'Davidson was a Jew(ish) and he received a government scholarship to attend film school in London'.
Do you mean he was Jewish, or do you mean he was kind of Jewish but not really, maybe some other ethnicity?
Thanks in advance, I await your next pearl of wisdom.
Posted by: StephanieS at July 18, 2008 3:03 PM
Per Wiki:
Mickey, a term for a 375 ml bottle of alcohol in Western Canada and Ontario. In Eastern Canada a mickey is a single shot of alcohol, packaged in an individual bottle.
And dogtopus knows, Wiki is never wrong. tb
Posted by: ted boynton at July 18, 2008 3:06 PM
Yeah yeah yeah, but WHERE is The Dark Knight review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????????????????
Posted by: Eva at July 18, 2008 3:12 PM
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding StephanieS, Davidson is indeed Jewish. I'm glad you like my review, I'm receiving very positive feedback.
Posted by: Pookie at July 18, 2008 3:15 PM
I'm sorry for the misunderstanding StephanieS, Davidson is a hym....he's Jewish. I'm glad you like my review, I'm receiving very positive feedback.
Posted by: Pookie at July 18, 2008 3:16 PM
Pookie, that was exactly what I needed right at that very moment. Thanks to your support, Pajiba might finally be headed in the right direction...
The Threesome Train to Hell!
All Aboard Bitches!
Posted by: JR at July 18, 2008 3:20 PM
MO, I'm pretty sure a mickey is about 375ml. At least that's the case in BC and Saskatchewan, which are the only provinces in which I have gone to liquor stores. They're usually the smallest bottle of hard liquor you can get at the liquor store, usually around 11 bucks or so, and really handy for parties. Although I usually drink at home these days, so I just go for the two-six.
Posted by: sunset&camden at July 18, 2008 3:21 PM
"I'd say you can tell the most "confirmed" alcoholics when they start buying the mickey of vodka + 6 pack of beer combo."
Oh.
Um.
Balls.
Posted by: TK at July 18, 2008 3:25 PM
Put up the damn DK review already! BATMAN! BATMAN! BATMAN!
Sorry. I'm impatient. I still love you Pajiba.
Posted by: b at July 18, 2008 3:28 PM
Skitt, is that you?
Posted by: Melody at July 18, 2008 3:29 PM
Nah, couldn't be. Skitt's too busy looking for a copy of The Last American Virgin at the recommendations of Pookie! He's convinced a good time really will be had by all!
Posted by: JR at July 18, 2008 3:32 PM
Sadly no. I'm my own girl. I think I just share his anticipatory hard-on for Batman.
Posted by: b at July 18, 2008 3:33 PM
Pookie,
After I finish pushing this one out, may I have your baby?
Posted by: lateformyfuneral at July 18, 2008 3:43 PM
I'm late to the party today but I agree that this the best Boozehound ever (and I have seen the Crash installment).
And as far as I'm concerned the Cosmo is not a real drink.
Posted by: PaddyDog at July 18, 2008 3:55 PM
This was fun because it really skirted the line well between "I'm mad about this whole thing" and "taking unsolicited potshots at fellow pajiba writers."
Further proof the boozehound is the best current writer on the site.
Posted by: Sirkickyass at July 18, 2008 4:04 PM
Brilliant column, honourable Boozehound. Thanks for the look backstage and making it so much fun.
meaux, sorry, other than as a measure of volume, I have no idea what a "mickey" is...[mumbles]I'm Canadian but I don't drink...
Posted by: lordhelmet at July 18, 2008 4:45 PM
Oh, Pookie. In the immortal words of Michael MacDonald, on The Last American Virgin soundtrack: "You did your best, but I guess ... " Nevermind.
Actually, it was a pretty great review; considerably better than one Holland Oates' output. And watch out Prisco -- you're about to get passed on the assignment roster. We may have a new clean-up hitter. If Pookie will even have us. Now, if we can just get Ben to join our ranks. -- DR
Posted by: Dustin Rowles at July 18, 2008 4:48 PM
Nice. No "Brisco County"?
For all who care "The Dark Knight" is spectacular. The previews really fail to hint at where it goes so I was thankful. Although there is one major surprise that the trailers ruined. But all in all, an outstanding movie.
Posted by: Rob at July 18, 2008 5:01 PM
Whatever. Like either of them are going to fella...-ight all of you like I had to. Hazing ritual my ass. I don't care what flavor Kool-Aid you dip your dick in, the taste is still cock.
I mean...welcome aboard!
Posted by: insertclevernamehere at July 18, 2008 5:02 PM
Dude! You finally answered the question I posed weeks ago in a round-up. That is the flavor of Blue Kool-Aid. -- DR
Posted by: Dustin at July 18, 2008 5:05 PM
My heart is happy to see a season of Xena on this almost-list. Though my money goes to S3 for the best of the best. Good times.
Xena S3 should have been on the actual list, not just the snarky joke one. I think it's safe to say that neither Buffy nor Angel would have made it onto Pajiba's radar if it hadn't been for XWP's influence. Planet Xena!!!
Posted by: Elfrieda at July 18, 2008 5:09 PM
You're seriously that oblivious, SirKickyAss? With your head that far up your ass, it's no wonder you can't see television shows beyond 1992.
But, please, in response, do give us a 1000 word essay on cranial rectalisis, you dithering wit. Make sure you firmly pad it with your rehashed old arguments like some 12 year old girl desperate to make it in High School Musical 3: The Search for Boogaloos In My Pants.
Posted by: hatemail at July 18, 2008 5:12 PM
So it IS a regional thing. Aha! Thanks, Ted et al.! Gosh, Wikipedia really does have an answer to everything...
lordhelmet, I think it's sweet of you to leave more alcohol for your countrymen and women to consume. You rock.`
Posted by: MO(meaux) at July 18, 2008 5:25 PM
All for you, my dear meaux. I'm generous like that.
Posted by: lordhelmet at July 18, 2008 5:36 PM
"...a brainy-yet-knockout-gorgeous literature professor from the fictional University of Ottawa..."
I love that I'm forking out $4,000 a year to attend a fictional university!
Posted by: Manda at July 18, 2008 6:57 PM
I'm with Bridgette and StephanieS about "Northern Exposure." Being resolutely non-Netflix and a debt-ridden student, I've had to scrounge around to find rentable DVDs, but I've gotten to see the first three seasons. (Support your public library!) It was definitely better than "The West Wing" and should've at least made second string.
Posted by: LB at July 18, 2008 7:46 PM
hatemail: I'm firmly aware I'm being made fun of too. That doesn't mean it wasn't enjoyable. Unlike many of the pajiba writers, I can take it as well as dish it.
Posted by: Sirkickyass at July 18, 2008 7:49 PM
I had really hoped that Alias, Season 2 would be on this list. It turns out I'm the only person who likes it. Which makes me cool and edgy, right? Awesome.
Posted by: Brooke at July 18, 2008 9:22 PM
Just a couple of points here:
Ted, I love your reviews and I want to party with you.
"I'd say you can tell the most "confirmed" alcoholics when they start buying the mickey of vodka + 6 pack of beer combo."
Actually, this is just taking care of your pre- "Saturday lawn maintenance" shopping in 1 trip to save gas. Screwdriver is definitely a drink.
I can't believe you people stir at home. If you just add the alcohol and mixer first, plunking the ice cubes in eliminates the need to stir at all.
Also, I used to drink cranberry kamikazes way back when and it sounded kind of badass...long before SITC turned them into foofy chick drinks in martini glasses.
Posted by: MissNev at July 19, 2008 8:32 AM
Cockmunch. Hahaha!
Posted by: agent bedhead at July 19, 2008 8:07 PM
to be brief, as a college student/college bartender, in our world the screwdriver is the sign of tailgating or just waking up before noon on a friday or saturday. so in the real world, yeah it means we're pretty much alcoholics
Posted by: Johncrief at July 20, 2008 11:18 AM
Did I miss something here? All this discussion about great TV and not a word about X-files. Not even in the runners up. Unbelievable.
Posted by: scullypdx at July 21, 2008 5:52 PM
