What’s a supermovie, you ask? It’s a fantasy film that will never be made, but that makes you smile at the thought of such elusive possibility. Imagine it: your favorite director, actor(s), story, composer and cinematographer fused together into a single project. The best thing about fantasies is that time has no sway, so supermovies can benefit from the talents of the long-dead as well as the living.
We here at Pajiba find ourselves daydreaming about supermovies more and more these days, as a way to detox our tastebuds from the dreck we’re subjected to. We sit blankly in front of movie screens wishing hard that Orson Welles were still around to inject some quality into legal thrillers, that Dirk Bogarde’s intensity hadn’t been lost to us forever in 1999, that Greta Garbo hadn’t wanted to be so alone, or that Phil Hartman had exercised better marital judgement.
To this end, here’s a sampling of the Pajiba staff’s most ardent supermovie onanism, made public for your delectation or condemnation. We each plucked a favorite story/writer from the void and mashed it with the ideal director and actor(s). The truly lotus-eating among us also tossed in a soundtrack composer and cinematographer to round everything out.
After you’re through pointing and laughing at our most bared-open repositories of personal taste, feel free to throw out your own fantasies — supermovies for everyone! A Pajba T-Shirt (now with an alternate tagline) goes out to our favorite. (— Ranylt Richildis)
Seth Freilich: My supermovie is a heist flick, because I’m a sucker for a good robbery. Executive producers Doug Liman and Michael Mann wisely bring on both David Mamet and David Simon (“The Wire”) to co-write the screenplay, and David Fincher is signed to direct (you can’t go wrong with the three Davids). On the “bad guy” side of things, we’ve got Gary Oldman (present day) as the ringleader, with John Malkovich (about 5-10 years younger than present day) and Linda Fiorentino (smoldering from around the time of 1994’s The Last Seduction) as the other two main crew members. Fiorentino is not sleeping with any of them, and there are no romantic entanglements whatsoever. The film starts off with Keanu Reeves and Richard Gere appearing to be the “good guys,” but both of their characters are killed off within the first ten minutes. The true “good guys” wind up being Humphrey Bogart, as a Sam Spade-esque P.I., and Warren Beatty (c.1975), as a former stickup man hired by Bogey to help out on the case. With cinematography from long-time Coen brothers collaborator Roger Deakins (he’s been with them since Barton Fink, plus he’s done films like Mountains of the Moon, The Shawshank Redemption and Sid and Nancy) and a collaborative score by Michael Kamen and John Williams, the film will be a pleasure to watch and hear. Plus, it won’t have any CGI whatsoever, although it will have a spectacular shoot-out and car chase. In the end (*spoiler alert*), Bogey and Oldman both wind up dead, and Beatty ends up retiring to Brazil with Malkovich, Fiorentino and the stolen fortune (but note that Beatty didn’t betray Bogart). I’m unacceptably erect just thinking about this.
Ranylt Richildis: What? Pick just one? It took me a few days of wishful juggling before I could decide between three contenders: (1) Polanski doing a proper, suitably moody adaptation of The Return of the Native with a cast of British unknowns; (2) Herzog helming an adaptation of the cinematically neglected Oroonoko, with Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje in the title role (ten years younger, at least); but ultimately I’m going to go with an irresistible third, because (3) is a film that surely might be made at some point, rendering my fantasy all the more palpable: a Tarantino tribute to the Italian giallo in its 1970s heyday form. Story itself is inconsequential, in the sense that Quentin need only pick one of many remnant vintage novels or draw up his own — story, in giallo flicks, registers somewhat lower on the scale after production design, cinematography and soundtrack (just be sure to fill it with blind alleys and sharp curves). Fortunately for my supermovie fantasy, some of my contributors are still thriving nicely — I suspect that if Tarantino were to dial Claudio Simonetti in Italy (he of the erstwhile Goblin, which scored Argento’s Deep Red, Suspiria and Tenebre), Simonetti would jump on the next flight to L.A. blinking tears of elated disbelief from his eyes. I can hear Tarantino instructing him to whip up a score more reminiscent of the ’70s sound than anything he concocted post-1983 — in fact, my supermovie’s exigencies insist on that much (if Simonetti can no longer deliver that particular aural quality, Morricone can step in and provide something along the lines of his Who Saw Her Die? score). Tarantino’s call to Simonetti would be followed by an excited-as-a-little-girl text message to cinematographer Vittorio Storaro, that magic lenser who made geometric eye-candy out of The Bird with the Crystal Plumage, The Conformist and The Fifth Cord (God, I’m so metaphorically hard right now). This fanboy masterpiece would have to be populated by a still-fresh Frank Nero and Edwige Fenech, and of course no less than Klaus Kinski would be resurrected to play the killer (or at least the main red-herring). It’ll be style over substance, I know, but o! what style! I’ll want to wallpaper my home with the final results.
Constance Howes: One of my favorite things to do before bed, other than brush my teeth and chug Diet Coke (my dentist loves me) is to play let’s pretend with the details of make-believe movies. My besotted made-up movie contributions in college centered mostly around the artists I spent thousands of dollars either learning about or trying to rip-off. So, say Sofia Coppola were to direct a movie about O’Keeffe and Steiglitz during the height of the 291 gallery? Who would perfectly play the passionate pair? Easy peasy. A young Colleen Dewhurst and Bruce Dern. Wondering who would direct a film version of Anselm Kiefer’s widely ignored autobiography? Well, simple pimple. Director Jane Campion would be the best choice to cinematographically obsess over both the luscious landscape of Barjac and Kiefer’s Nazi shame pathos. Lately, however, I spend my semi-conscious, sheep-counting seconds dreaming up acting casts for works of fiction I’ve recently read. According to Wiki, 1492 Productions (Chris Columbus) purchased the rights to A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore in 2006. I find this — and the octopus — very scary. So, let’s definitely disregard reality by handing the movie rights and reigns to director Michael Gondry. In terms of musical accompaniment, it seems only appropriate that Angelo Badalamenti sound-out this story about death. I mean, the man has Secretary, Twin Peaks and Mulholland Drive on his resume. Also, since this is the stuff of even posthumous dreams, I’d like to include Vince Guaraldi on the score action. Vince would break up any long-winded weirdness with some twinkly jazz riffs for Minty’s subway scene, Charlie’s sojourns through early morning Chinatown, and the march of the squirrel people. Cast is key, of course and I think I can queue one up without having to resurrect the acting dead; Charlie Asher’s character would be played by beta boy, Edward Norton; Lance Reddick would kill as Minty Fresh and look fan-freaking-tastic in a mint green seersucker suit; Clea Duvall with a blonde, David Bowie ‘do would be Charlie’s sister Jane; his wife, Rachel, would appear only in flashbacks as a thankfully silent, sweet-faced Ginnifer Goodwin; Thora “Why in bloody Hollywood hell is she not more famous than Scarlett Johansson?” Birch would play cheeky, goth girl Lily; ex-cop Ray Macy would be hilariously loserfied by Brian Posehn; Tully’s Julianne Nicholson could convincingly capture Audrey; and David Zayas would reprise the meat of his role on Dexter as Inspector Alphonse Rivera. Sophie could be played by any cute, little girl actor who doesn’t completely suck, while the Morrigan trio would be voiced by Judy Davis, Helen Mirren and Helena Bonham Carter in a Where Angels Fear to Tread twist but with less hard-to-undo buttons and prudishness. The only other absolute call I’d make is that even with all the mythological plot points, no animators should be harmed in the making of the movie. The budget can be large enough to ensure oodles of creative breathing room but small enough so that nobody decides to go Gollum all over everything.
Phillip Stephens: Man, did I waffle on this one. A supermovie with no chronological restrictions on cast and crew? For reals? Which bed-wetting fanboy fantasy should I ultimately indulge? A sci-fi odyssey with a resurrected Kubrick to finally make good the promise of digital artistry? It’s been done enough. A new Jean-Pierre Melville/Alain Delon caper with collaborative input from his best imitators (Tarantino, Woo, Jarmusch)? Bah…noir and crime drama have had their day. Hell, I feel haughty for it, but if I had my way this supermovie would probably be the Most Pretentious Film Ever Made. And unfortunately for you, it would be a sheer ode to artistry — an attempt to marry the American experience with European art. This film would be a soporific journey light on the dialogue and heavy on the long edits and steadicam shots. The story: an American Everyman wanders endlessly through a particularly alien-looking eastern European city (take your pick — something approximating Prague or Budapest) doing…nothing in particular, just looking and wandering, perhaps in postgrad ennui, but something that suggests endless metaphorical questing without implying what exactly it might be about. Who would helm this weighty fare? Who could artfully render this (admittedly boring) story with the appropriate lyrical pathos? Ultimately, the best choices - Tarkovsky, Kiarostami, Herzog, Wenders, Antonioni - would be a little too ironic for something ostensibly about the American experience, so my choice for director would be our own cinematic lyricist, Terrence Malick, working with his The Thin Red Line cinematographer, John Toll, which I guess would mean throwing some broody voiceovers into the mix. And just to make sure you were really saturated with profundity — the whole thing’s scored by Sigur Rós. The final half hour would be one gigantic, unedited take/musical interlude of the protagonist (the cast, incidentally, would be unknowns or non-professionals) walking through the sepia of old streets and ascending a hill as a sheer masturbatory ode to Sokurov. Overbearing? Certainly. But lucky for you, the Most Pretentious Movie Ever Made could also be the most beautiful.
Agent Bedhead: Supermovies are, by definition, totally overrated and would attract a limited audience willing to overdose on certain elements of the absurd, but cinematic laundry lists can help us avoid complacently settling for the crap constantly brought into theaters. So, let’s start out with an escapist, dark comedy directed by Spike Jonze with a score by Angelo Badalamenti, who will stay more in tune with his ravishing score in Secretary than his spookier work on several David Lynch films because, after all, we don’t want to scare the hell out of ourselves. Cinematography will be picked up by Dion Beebe, who is an excellent visual storyteller in many contexts and can certainly transform my vision of nothingness into a rhythmic jazziness. The film shall include actors who actually possess talent yet don’t spend their press ops bitching about fame’s burdens while continuing to accept oversized paychecks. This limits the choices for major roles to Kate Winslet, Robert Downey Jr., and Samantha Morton. For supporting roles, James Spader will ring in his usual variant of a sexual fiend, and Matt Dillon will make a cameo appearance as variant of himself — a total douche. The plot itself will be irrelevant but must not be overtly political, since I am still rather deluded about the compartmentalization of everything. Most importantly, the film must include Bill Murray in all his smirky, understated, lounge-singing glory.
Daniel Carlson: Do I have a supermovie? Indeed I do. I’m a sucker for stories that aren’t afraid to mix genres, e.g., a dark comedy with plenty of pathos, or an action movie with an intelligent, character-driven plot. So I’d probably go with a comedic drama, the kind of witty, sharp film that has moments of broad physical humor as well as subtle, asburdist punchlines. But the comedy wouldn’t be the purpose of the film, just the backdrop against which I would play out a coming-of-age tale about a young boy in love with an older woman. He’d be 15 or so, old enough to know that his eventual manhood will be no picnic, but young enough to somehow blindly become wrapped up in the woman — a teacher at his school — and to almost believe they could wind up together. Yet it wouldn’t be some kind of obsession-based drama; the kid would be genuinely likable, and even harmless, more driven by the idea of the woman and his desire to do something great with his young life than any real malicious intent. I’d probably recruit Wes Anderson to direct, knowing his skill with actors in settings that could be described as a little quirky. I’d also have Anderson co-write the script with Owen Wilson, whose bright comedic voice meshes perfectly with Anderson’s, especially if they were to put their minds to creating a story about wistful young love. I’d have Anderson work with cinematographer Robert D. Yeoman, with whom he collaborated on Bottle Rocket, and I’d also have Anderson reunite with composer Mark Mothersbaugh to produce a breezy original pop score, which would in turn be complemented by a series of 1960s British Invasion B-sides. Speaking of songs, I’d cap the whole thing off with “Ooh La La” by The Faces as a perfect way to send the boy off into a rocky but still hopeful youth. It would be short, and sweet, and transcendent in the way it would mix love and life and pain and growing up to create the kind of story that none of us has lived through but to which we can all relate. It would be unstoppable, and untoppable. If I could make that movie, I’d be happy. Yeah, that’d be my ultimate supermovie.
Stacey Nosek: I don’t fancy myself an “inventor of ideas” so much as an “appreciator” of them, and so I had some trouble with this assignment. But ultimately, I came up with what I’d like to think is a real humdinger. Since I loves me a good fairy tale, I’d like to bring Jim Henson back from the dead to direct and co-write a fantasy epic with Ricky Gervais. Gervais — who has proven himself to be quite an imaginative guy, channeling his creative energy into his Flanimals children’s book series — would add just the right amount of whimsical humor to this project. I’d like this film to take place in the early 1980s and be your typical “Hero with mundane life discovers a secret universe and goes on a quest to save said universe and/or princess” or some such nonsense. Really, the plot itself is secondary, seeing as the sharp writing and finely-tuned characters will really carry the film. In the starring “hero” role will be Bud Cort, circa 1970 — mostly because of my naughty, naughty Harold and Maude crush. Additionally, I could definitely see Maggie Gyllenhaal in the Princess/Queen role (again: see naughty crushes.) Ricky Gervais will have to play the villain since he is naturally a “vile little goblin man” (according to Alex the Odd) and if David Bowie would make a cameo as the Goblin King and somehow manage to belittle Gervais it would be the most ass-kicking meta thing ever. Although (and no offense to Mr. Bowie), I have decided that I’d like “The Jam” to do the soundtrack, mostly because “Town Called Malice” came on my iPod as I was envisioning the film, and I thought it fit very nicely.
Dustin Rowles: Long-time readers of the site know of my fondness for Kevin Smith. I know he’s created some backlash and alienated a few in my generation and others, but — though he’ll never get credit for it — his movies, in some part, paved the way for Judd Apatow’s recent success. Smith was one of the, if not the first, to introduce geek rants and conversational dialogue that spoke our language into popular cinema, which is now what makes movies like Knocked Up and Superbad so goddamn appealing. The problem with Smith, unfortunately, is that — for all his relatable dialogue — he’s not that great a director. And, as much as I love Clerks, there’s always been a part of me that would’ve like to have seen Smith’s script done right, with not only a better director but a decent-sized budget. That’s why, in my supermovie fantasy, I wouldn’t remake Clerks exactly — I’d strike the first effort from existence (hey — it’s my fantasy, I can do whatever I want) and produce it anew with a $35 million budget. This time around, I’d use Smith’s script as the basis, and allow Seth Rogen to do a minor rewrite and, appropriately, have him play Silent Bob (and for that reason alone, I might prolong the “Bob Speaks” soliloquy). Dante Hicks would be played by an actual actor, Jason Lee circa Mallrats (before the Scientologists got to him), while Randal Graves would be portrayed by Matt Damon (who Mrs. Pajiba hyphenate assures me would be a better choice than Ryan Reynolds — I’m not so sure.). Jay would still be played by Jason Mewes, because no one else in the history of mankind could do that role justice. But, the worst part of all of Clerks was the dreadful performance from Marilyn Ghiglioti as Veronica Loughran — it’s still hard to watch scenes with her in them. It’s also hardest to find a suitable replacement, though I think I’m going to go with Amy Adams (“37! My girlfriend’s sucked 37 dicks!” / “In a row?”). Kristen Bell would round out the cast as Caitlin Bree (am I the only one who finds it hilarious that Veronica Mars ends up sleeping with the dead guy?). Bruce Campbell would do a cameo as one of the customers. I’m setting the movie in 1992, so Cameron Crowe can provide a Singles-worthy grunge soundtrack and the hockey game will feature cameos by members of Pearl Jam and Sonic Youth (Andrew Wood, now alive, will officiate). Finally, I’d get Judd Apatow to direct the whole damn thing. It’d be hands-down the best comedy of the ’90s.
John Williams: On the one hand, I’m hesitant to divulge the details of my supermovie, because I still fantasize about eventually going to film school and then putting this sucker together myself. On the other hand, I’m trying to be better about not allowing delusions to hinder my day-to-day living. So, here we go. As much as I love different types of movies, I’m the biggest sucker for a sweeping human-scale story, which is not an oxymoron but is very rare. My supermovie would be a multi-hour epic (think The Best of Youth) that followed the lives of a family in upstate New York. It would be written by Kenneth Lonergan (You Can Count On Me), directed by James L. Brooks right after he finished doing Broadcast News (one of my favorite movies for grown-ups), and it would feature the following cast: Paul Newman (circa the mid-’90s) as the family’s grandfather; Gene Hackman (circa 1974) as his son; and Mark Ruffalo as Hackman’s son. (I don’t care if those three don’t seem like they would be related — it’s a damn supermovie, people.) Their various friends and love interests would be played by Laura Linney, Holly Hunter, Winona Ryder, John Malkovich, and Joaquin Phoenix, among others. The cinematography would be naturalistic, the screenplay would be novelistic (much more than I can get into here), and the soundtrack would be tasteful and more or less unobtrusive (thus even more powerful the few times it was used for emphasis). I’m sure my fellow Pajibans have wowed you with tales of planets exploding and surprise endings and Jessica Biel joining a lesbian biker gang headed by Angelina Jolie. I apologize if my vision is boring in comparison, but my imaginary movie will beat their imaginary movies when it comes imaginary Oscar time. Trust me.
Malibu, Lace, Blaze and Pajiba | | Pajiba Love 09/05/07 |
Comments
OOooh ooooh oooh....
OK so I'm pretty plebian in my movie tastes so bear with me.
Ender's Game (Frakking AMAZING Sci-FI) Directed by Darren Aronofsky. With as big a budget as he needs.
Of course now I'm stuck on who to play Ender, but I'd love to see the cast of kids from "Holes" get some more work, if they were all younger. Especially the kid who played Zero.
Score by the Kronos quartet. With some Mogwai. OK so I've basically recreated the "Fountain" but with a good storyline. Crap.
Posted by: vaguelyamish at September 5, 2007 2:51 PM
PAJIBA FANTASIES presensts a ROWLES/FOX/CARLSON production JOHNNY DEPP KEN BRANAGH "GOOD OMENS" SETH ROEGEN RACHEL MCADAMS WITH CHIWETEL EJIOFOR & ROBIN WILLIAMS music by JOHN WILLIAMS edited by ROBERT RODRIGUEZ director of photography ROGER DEAKINS based on the novel by TERRY "GOD" PRATCHETT & NIEL "GOD CALLS ME GOD" GAIMEN adapted by SETH ROEGEN executive producer SOMEONEWITHLOADSOFMONEYSTUPIDENOUGHTOGIVEAWAYFINALCUT directed by QUENTIN TARANTINO
Posted by: Thaf at September 5, 2007 2:55 PM
I am way too tired today to come up with my own, but I must say to Constance that your vision of A Dirty Job far surpasses anything I could come up with. ESPECIALLY your casting for the Morrigan trio...Judy Davis is inspired.
Columbus bought the rights? Columbus?!! Jesus fucking Christ.
Posted by: Julie at September 5, 2007 3:06 PM
Philip Seymour Hoffman is a film critic for a small newspaper in Chicago. The film, written and directed by Noah Baumbach, details the breakdown of his relationship with Cate Blanchett, an elementary school teacher who's trying to become a contributor to "This American Life" with nods to similar masterpieces of the disintegration of love like Godard's Contempt. Paul Giamatti and Angelica Huston co-star as the editor of the paper and the editor of "This American Life," respectively.
Oh, and Ranylt, love the fact you went with Hardy. The man's a god.
Posted by: Kevin Longrie at September 5, 2007 3:10 PM
Great insights. Better than fantasy football. But for next time? Some paragraph breaks here would change my life.
Posted by: T at September 5, 2007 3:15 PM
An adaptation of the Dark is Rising Sequence by Susan Cooper (let's ignore the one that's coming out in theatres next month). The Dark is Rising Sequence is a very British gem of 1970s children's fantasy just *begging* to be made into a film.
Dir. Alfonso Cuaron
Screen adaptation: Tom Stoppard
Effects budget: minimal
Merriman Lyon (Merlin): Sir Alec Guinness
Simon, Jane and Bran: unknown but fantastic young British child actors
Barney: Thomas Sangster (the kid from Love, Actually, and younger than he is now)
Will Stanton: Nicholas Hoult (the kid from About a Boy, also younger than he is now)
The Rider: Christopher Eccleston, sans feathers
John Rowling: Sir Richard Burton, very young and in full Welsh accent
The first hour of the miniseries would be devoted to Over Sea, Under Stone. The Dark is Rising would get the next two hours, Greenwitch would get one, The Grey King would get two and Silver on the Tree would get three.
Following this miniseries (which would reach the popularity of the Pride and Prejudice miniseries), children and adults would come in droves to read (or reread) the books and be inspired to love reading for the rest of their lives.
The End.
Posted by: Becca at September 5, 2007 3:16 PM
I am a huge Christopher Moore fan. Every single one of his books has been optioned. I'm very thankful that none have made it through the process (I talked to him at a book signing, apparently one studio optioned to do "Lamb" with puppets. Sweet Jesus), though I'm very intrigued by Constance's interpretation. Amen to no animation!
Posted by: julia at September 5, 2007 3:17 PM
There goes my afternoon....My fantasy movie would be Peer Gynt (I know, it sounds kinda familiar, but you can't quite place it, right?) directed by Baz Luhrman, with an updated script by Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson, final draft edited by Billy Wilder. Luhrman has to use the original score. He can add songs, but he may not fuck with "In the Hall of the Mountain King" (there it is, THAT's why the name's familiar). Peer Gynt (rascal and complete cad, steals a bride away on her wedding night right at the beginning) to be played by a young Christian Bale, his wonderfully cynical and bitchy mom played by Susan Sarandon, random chick he falls in love with a Titanic-era Kate Winslet, and the mountain king to be played by Tony Todd (Candyman. He scares me). CGI may be used for the trolls, but only if Hensen's people can't come up with something better, and they have to use Peter Jackson's team, not George Lucas'.
Posted by: s. pisaster at September 5, 2007 3:19 PM
a Billy Connoly/Eddie Izzard buddy cop movie would also get my green light
Posted by: Thaf at September 5, 2007 3:19 PM
Dude, vaguelyamish, I was totally thinking of Ender's Game, too!!! LOVE that book!!! Breaks my heart every time!!
Posted by: Jelinas at September 5, 2007 3:22 PM
Oooh...The frightening thing about this is the number of supermovies that have been dreamed up by myself nad friends while we sat around drinking way too much beer-everything from the Anita Blake novels being done right to A Dirty Job (Contsance...I think Simon Peg would be a much much better Charlie...Norton's just not beta male enough to me to pull it off otherwise I totally agree with you.) Originally, I thought about sharing my plot for another Christopher Moore book turned movie: Lamb. However not seeing it happen would depress me in ways that only Owen Wilson could understand. Instead I'm going for second favourite time waster- Jem the live action movie musical!
In terms of crew this would call for the schizophrenic energy of Baz Luhrmann-he's proven many times over that he can mix film and music in the way that adapting this 80's cartoon would require. He surrounds himself with the sort of people who would be needed to make this actually happen including Craig Armstrong for the score and Catherine Martin for production design.
Casting would look something like this. Jem/Jerricka Benton - Christina Aguilera - the girl has the pipes to pull things off plain and simple. Kimber Benton - A circa 'Mean Girls' Lohan - she was cute and had promise but as Rick James says cociane's a hell of a drug. Aja - Yoshimura Yumi - from Puffy AmiYumi though there are a ton of J-Pop singer/actresses that could also fit the bill she's just a personal fave. Shana - Eve - She's a strong actress and would be a big part of the modernization of the Holigrams. Raya - Shakira. Pizzaz - Pink - She's definitely got the attitude to play this character and the vocal chops that would distingush her from X-Tina's Jem. Roxy - Courtney Love circa Live Through This...sure she was a bit of a mess but she was a sight to behold then. Stormer - Brody Armstrong of the Distillers -there's something vunerable in her eyes even with all the eyeliner. Jetta - Amy Winehouse - that is if she hasn't already OD'd. Eric Raymond would be played by prenneal Lurhmann player John Leguizamo while I can definitely see Diego Luna playing Rio. Lastly, the hologram Synergy would be played in cameo by Gwen Stefani, Madonna and any other high level diva who'd like to lend their face.
While it wouldn't be the greatest movie ever made it would be a bright fun romp that would at least keep you entertained as hell for less than two hours. It also wouldn't desecrate the childhood memories I have of Jem and the Holograms.
Posted by: Ms. Parker at September 5, 2007 3:44 PM
Okay, this is so much fun! I love reading them already, and can't wait for more.
Mine would be a magic realist story written by Miranda July and directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet. It would be set inside and around the outskirts of a metropolitan city, with Marc Caro returning to do the set design. Peter Suschitzky would handle the cinematography, and Danny Elfman would score it (yes, he's very versatile).
The story would basically revolve around a young woman who is searching for the house she grew up in (because she has no memory, and knows only stories), and the people she meets along the way. The main woman would be played by Jewel Staite, her friends by Cillian Murphy and Audrey Tautou (if Jeunet's directing...). When she runs into spooky trouble, it would '70s era David Bowie and Chritopher Walken.
It's gonna be awesome, if more on the visual wandering side of things (which is my preference). Yay!
Posted by: <3alec at September 5, 2007 3:56 PM
Dustin: if that Clerks remake ever came to be, i would make it my new God. It would be so orgasmically good that owning a copy would negate my need for a significant other, i would simply play it on infinite repeat and it would offer pleasantly hilarious background noise 24/7.
Posted by: protest at September 5, 2007 4:02 PM
eh. just get charlie kauffman, pedro almodovar, and stephen chow to work together, and i'll be happy. if you wanted to make it star peter dinklage and owen wilson, i would not object.
Posted by: genevieve at September 5, 2007 4:11 PM
s. pisaster: That sounds like an awesome flick, especially in terms of the music. Although, as much as I love In the Hall of the Mountain King, I've always prefered Anitra's Dance, so that needs special contractual protection as well.
Posted by: pinkcheese at September 5, 2007 4:26 PM
Serenity 2 with Joss & the cast. Greg Edmonson composing. I'm a geek. What can I say? It's what I want.
Posted by: Joni at September 5, 2007 4:28 PM
So, I don't think that I am creative enough to come up with one of these supermovies(even though I totally want the free t-shirt!). But I love Dustin's supermovie. I wish so much that that movie could happen. And thanks for encluding Matt Damon, I agree with Mrs. Pajiba on that. I also really like the John's movie idea.
Posted by: Erin at September 5, 2007 4:33 PM
Cannot really play this diversion. My supermovies have already been made. (1) To Kill a Mockingbird and (2) Brokeback Mountain. Perfect, both of them, exactly as they are. In fact, I just inspired myself to re-watch one tonight and the other tomorrow.
Posted by: rudy at September 5, 2007 4:51 PM
I'm still voting for a version of A Confederacy of Dunces starring Oliver Platt with Robert Downey Jr thrown in (because we need his gleeful mayhem in more movies). Add in a touch of voodoo and jazz, maybe moody setting like "Midnight in the Garden of Good of Evil". It's Southern so we need at least Jessica Lange or Blythe Danner for patrician kookiness. Kris Krisstofferson in a cameo. Perhaps Robert Towne can revisit his early editing/writing skills for the screenplay. Young director with one or two films under his belt. And I'm done.
Posted by: Amanda47 at September 5, 2007 4:57 PM
My boyfriend and I play a reverse game. We try to one up each other by imagining the worst possible casting for a movie we enjoyed. The best was Harry Potter - in which we imagined what would happen if they had cast big name American actors. Dakota Fanning as Hermione. Keanu Reeves as Snape. Robin Williams as Dumbledore. We were groaning ourselves silly on that last one...
As for what I'd like to see: The Legend of Zelda, as envisioned by Peter Jackson. Obvious, yes. But who else would you trust with a dreaded video game-to-big screen adaptation?
Posted by: Pie at September 5, 2007 5:26 PM
i am actually reading the beautiful things that heaven bears (thanks constance!) and i keep thinking about how much i would love to see a movie of it made. Chiwetel Ejiofor would play Sepha Stephanos, the immigrant from ethiopia trying to find redemption. kate winslet will play judith, the brainy and distant woman he falls for. shareeka epps (at 11) will play judith's daughter naomi. soffia coppola will direct, because finding beauty in isolation/longing is what she does best, not to mention, it's set in the 70's, which she did so well in the virgin suicides. i can't wait.
Posted by: j.r. at September 5, 2007 5:38 PM
A mini-series or movie series update of The Prisoner. Written by Patrick McGoohan (The original Number 6) with Joss Whedon (anything Joss writes is gold. Don't argue, it just is). Directed by Terry Gilliam. Starring Daniel Craig as Number 6. John Rhys-Davies as the first (and last) Number 2, Dame Judi Dench as Number 2 #2, Chiwetel Ejiofor as Number 2 #3. Angelo Muscat (from the original series) as the Butler.
Posted by: CptCrckpot at September 5, 2007 5:44 PM
Need more time.
You should have given us a few days warning. I am overwhelmed.
I can say for sure my super movie would include Bill Murray, Gary Oldman, and Terry Gilliam. This is all I can be certain of.
Posted by: Jen at September 5, 2007 5:53 PM
I have two...
1. A Jim Henson and Ricky Gervais adaptation of Norton Juster's The Phantom Tollbooth. (I agree with whomever suggested they'd be an excellent pairing.) NO CGI, just awesome awesome puppets. I would trust them to cast it, though I think Simon Pegg should definitely be involved, Christopher Walken should be a villain, and maybe Morgan Freeman as the voice of Tock (I think Morgan Freeman's voice should be in every movie ever.)
2. As a rabid Stephen King fan, I'd like to see a good re-make of IT. I'd turn it over to Frank Darabont write and direct(since he's really the only person to ever have any luck with interpreting King well.) I'd keep Tim Curry as Pennywise, and also let young Seth Green play young Ricky. Frankly, the rest of the decisions are up to Darabont, but I'd be very clear that
A.) CGI, once again, should be kept to an acceptable minimum.
B.) The final form of IT should not be so stupid looking.
C.) If it needs to be 5 hours long or a mini-series, that's fine. Just don't cut and piece until it's unrecognizable.
D.) Stephen King may have his cameo, but it must be very very small because--though he is a brilliant writer--he is a very bad actor.
Posted by: Siege at September 5, 2007 5:57 PM
My dream movie would be an adaptation of the Hank Thompson trilogy by Charlie Huston (Caught Stealing, Six Bad Things, and A Dangerous Man) directed by Sam Peckinpah. Written by Charlie Huston and Elmore Leonard. I really would like to see Sam Rockwell play Hank. He's got the look and the chops to play it. I would also like the antagonist Roman to be played by Robert Downey Jr. I'd want Richard Pryor as Ed Durante and Ade as his brother Paris. Someone funny but I always thought that Pryor could have been a bigger actor if given the right roles. John Hawkes as Russ Miner. I'd want real mean, real fast, real funny, real violent. I would want this to be better than any other crime/wrong man movie ever. Also, I would want Ray Winstone, Steve Zahn, Justin Theroux worked in there for the sequels.
Posted by: Tanner at September 5, 2007 6:10 PM
Oh. My. God. Dustin, that wouldn't be the best comedy of the 90's, I think it would be the best comedy of the modern era...
But really, Seth as Silent Bob? I would've pictured him as one of the clerks.
Posted by: Gabi at September 5, 2007 6:49 PM
I lay bare my nerd heart and mind. A live-action movie trilogy of Robotech, The Macross Saga. It'll be written as a war movie that happens to have aliens and giant robots. Rick, Minmei, Roy and Khyron can be unknowns. I suggest Ali Larter for Lisa Hayes, Gabriel Union as Claudia and of course Edward James Olmos as Gloval. The best part is casting the Zentradi. This movie does not happen without Clancy Brown as Breetai. Also with Michael Ironside as Dolza, Walter Koenig as Exedore, Sigourney Weaver as Azonia, Eliza Dushku as Miriya. All CGI by Industrial Light and Magic and/or WETA. I'm sure this idea is either sheer genius or the work of the devil, and because I can, directed by ME.
Posted by: Darth Vomitus at September 5, 2007 7:04 PM
I would totally pick one of the early Honor Harrington books, probably The Honor Of The Queen, because not only is there a DeathRide but she punches a dude out and kill a half-dozen assassins with her bare hands. There been much talk of Angelina Jolie playing Honor, but she's much too thin now, and the author has a personal hatred of her. Music by Danny Elfman ala Batman, director? I dunno, who can move spacships and lob missiles nowadays?
Posted by: Meander at September 5, 2007 7:09 PM
Not a movie, but a 10-part HBO Miniseries
American Gods
Dir. Alfonso Cuaron
DOP Emmanuel Lubezk
Teleplays by Neil Gaiman
Clive Owen/Shadow
Anthony Hopkins/ Mr. Wednesday
Posted by: Chris at September 5, 2007 7:29 PM
How about a movie of my first-ever favourite book (when I was in year four!), Illegal Aliens by Nick Pollotta (illustrations by Phil Foglio). Aliens come to Earth to test us, but use a biker gang as the test subjects. Hell breaks loose, not all is as it seems, cut to humans rampaging through the hilarious universe in stolen alien ship. It can't lose.
Think I might go try to find my copy again... it's in a cardboard box 'round here somewhere...
Posted by: Ed at September 5, 2007 7:56 PM
Ok-
Everyone is going with super high brow stuff here. I'm going to give you one that I bet might get greenlight by some studio tomorrow (if tomorrow was 1986).
The Ultimate Action Movie- "Die or I'll Kill you"
John Woo (fresh off of making Hard Boiled) directs
Michael Mann (fresh off of making 'Heat') writes
Jerry Bruckheimer (fresh off of Top Gun) produces
Michael Dudikoff (of American Ninja fame) stars as a rogue secret agent with Martial Arts skills learned from an old master...
who teams up with...
Eddie Murphy (fresh off Beverly Hills Cop) a fast talking street wise small con hustler...
who must take down a 1980's sleeper cell of terrorists (with no true shared nationality) led by...
Alan Rickman (fresh off of Die Hard, "where are my det-a-nat-ors?!")
and Gary Oldman (fresh off of Professional/Leon)...
who plot to kidnap...
President Louis Gossett Jr. (who is a retired Air Force Colonel) and his vice president's daughter Alyssa Milano (fresh off of Commando)...
And brainwash the president...
so he will give up the computer passwords to nuclear ICBM's (I know a stretch, but this is freakin' Bruckheimer!)...
to start a war against a communist Russia causing nuclear winter to cover the world!!!!! ahahahahahahahahaha (insert Oldman and Rickman criminal laughter here)
(side note- Why do they want to do create Nuclear Winter? I don't know. Maybe they own a product that can clean up nuclear winter errr... does it have to make sense if Bruckheimer is involved?)
Dudikoff and Murphy run through a serious of elaborate traps and action set pieces (while Murphy cracks bad jokes) to find that their only way to stop the terrorists is to enlist the help of Dudikoff's estranged ex wife-
Sean Young (fresh off of Blade Runner) who knows 80's computers like Murphy knows witty one liners.
After stopping the possible computer nuclear threat (using War Games like computer lameness)...
Murphy and Dudikoff must break into a huge mansion covered with tons of bad movie goons and douches (led by Bolo Yeung fresh off of Bloodsport and Brian Thompson fresh off of Cobra) to set up the final battle...
in an elaborate action set piece that takes place in an completely functional steel work plant inside the mansion (of course this happens, it has to)...
Before the showdown starts...
Oldman admits to Murphy that he was the person who killed his mother and made him a orphan and forced him into his life of petty crime and...
Rickman admits to Dudikoff that he killed his kung fu master...
Extracting revenge, Murphy and Dudikoff kill Oldman and Rickman (in elaborate deaths involving melting steel or a conveyor belt)
but...
Oldman hits a self destruct button on the mansion as he dies and a ticking clock goes off...
They must get Milano and Chappy, err, I mean the President out alive... but how?!?!?!?! They have an Apache helicopter but who will fly it?
The president hops in the pilot's seat and flies the good guys in to safety as the mansion explodes!
Dudikoff gets together with Sean Young, patching up their problems. Murphy gets a job as a secret service agent, ending his career as a con artist. His first assignment? Taking a wise cracking Alyssa Milano to school.
The End. Roll duet song by Bryan Adams and Kenny Loggins.
Best...Movie...Ever.
Posted by: Justin at September 5, 2007 8:16 PM
I would like to see a film made about an author attempting to get his book made into a movie. This author would be quirky and high strung. His book would be a serious drama set in WWII. Of course, the author becomes concerned as the studios keep making major changes to his story. The fun part of this film would be the potential for cameo roles. I would enjoy having PT Anderson direct this film.
As for my actors, I would like to have Jason Schwartzman play the concerned author. Monty Python era John Cleese would be the author's liason to the movie company. The director of the adaptation would be played by Lily Tomlin. The cast for the book's adaptation would go from bad to worse. We'd start off with actors like Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock and eventually get Hillary Duff and Hayden Christensen. I'd love to have Kate Winslet in the film somehow as well.
Anderson cinematographer would be on board. Score by Danny Elfman.
Posted by: Emily at September 5, 2007 8:18 PM
My dream movie would be one that starred all of my favorite actors who are doppelgangers of each other--the ones I always get confused and nobody else does. It would be a remake of "Big Business" with Jeremy Piven/Jon Favreau as one set of twins and Alan Rickman/Ciaran Hinds as the other. Taking some dramatic license, they would each have a craggy, stoic father figure, played by John Doman (that's Rawls to you) and Bill Smitrovitch (Corky Thatcher's Dad). Of course, in the end, the dads would turn out to be twins themselves. Sniff!
Posted by: Cara at September 5, 2007 8:53 PM
My dream movies all involve completely tossing out the following awful book-to-movie adaptations and redoing them from the ground up:
-Ghost Story
-The Haunting of Hill House (1999)
-Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
-Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
I adore each of these books and could type a long mile on how for each one should be cast, the script written, and the movie shot.
Posted by: Alabamapink at September 5, 2007 8:57 PM
My supermovie is (or was ten - fifteen years ago when I first thought it up) an all-black remake of "The Philadelphia Story" starring Angela Bassett as Tracy Lord, Denzel Washington as C. K. Dexter Haven, Laurence Fishburne as Macaulay Connor, and Wesley Snipes as George Kittredge, the stuffy, self-made man Tracy's set to marry. Raven Symone could have played Tracy's wiseass kid sister Dinah, Morgan Freeman as their dad, character actress Rosalind Cash as their mom, maybe Charles S Dutton as Uncle Willie, and Alfre Woodard as Liz Imbrie, the photographer in love with Connor. I would have also moved up the setting to the 60's or early 70's and had Spike Lee (natch) direct it.
Posted by: Matt at September 5, 2007 9:03 PM
Oooo! I've thought about this one before.
Okay, co-writers and directors M. Night Shyamalan and J.J. Abrams team up for a drama with plenty of comedy and sci-fi/fantasy elements in the mix. I don't really care what the plot is about because these two guys develop characters like nobody's business even if the end result is a little disappointing. But this movie would not fail! It would also use their muse scorers James Newton Howard and Michael Giaccino to create a subtle masterpiece of a soundtrack. I like Geoffrey Simpson's cinematography work in Little Women, so let's toss him in.
For actors, just because I think they're great, Lauren Graham and Ashley Judd with Edward Norton in the mix. I have no idea how they would be interacting, but it would be endearing, funny, and great.
This movie will never be made.
Posted by: Chesnut at September 5, 2007 9:17 PM
Milla Jovovich as Honor Harrington. Nailed.
Posted by: Meander at September 5, 2007 9:45 PM
This is truly nothing more than fantasy, and probably a bit too twee for everyone's tastes here- but I would love to see a younger Milo Ventimiglia in Catcher in the Rye. I'm not a fan of him or of Heroes, but when I was rereading the book the other day, I realized that his expressions and the cadence of his speech would make a nice Holden Caufield.
I have no other casting ideas, so feel free to suggest some.
Posted by: majandra at September 5, 2007 9:46 PM
Stacey -- Didn't you see David Bowie belittle Ricky Gervais in last season's "Extras"? It was brilliant.
(Bowie singing) "Stupid little fat maaaan..., National joke."
I was crying. If you haven't seen it, rent it!
I certainly did see it! More times than I can count, thanks to YouTube. My meta goes both ways, baby! - SN
Posted by: wsapnin at September 5, 2007 10:03 PM
Okay, so there's this track on Neko Case's Canadian Amp EP called "Make Your Bed", which sounds like an Appalacian Mountain song about a man who sings to a young woman to "make your bed the river", as he has already killed her lover and will do the same to her. Just a taste: "I'm thick with disease in my madness/only one thought pacifies me/that the murky black water grinds your bones into sand/when the catfish have stripped off your hide/make your bed the river, young girl/make your bed the river, young girl/no you can't swim/but I'll tuck you in/make your bed the river, young girl".
So I imagine this song turning into a movie, about a town in the Appalacians circa 1850. The young woman is from the poorer part of town, and her father is an alcoholic--so she's the girl sho always sits in the back of the class, doesn't wear shoes too often, and can't seem to consistently keep her hair brushed, no matter how hard she tries. She is, of course, very smart and clever, despite her lower status. She falls in love with a wealthier boy, who is clean and handsome and sees through her dirty façade, even though he doesn't stop all the other children from making fun of her. The speaker in the song, who's the man who kills both the girl and her love is a grizzly, crazy man who lives just outside the town and is infatuated with the girl. The story should be simple enough: we get to know the lay and the characteristics of the town, meet the girl and her family. We meet the other children and the young man, and he and the girl fall in love at one of the social events that the town has. Meanwhile, the crazy woodsman is lurking closer and closer to the town, and follows the girl home on occasion, glaring hungrily at her through a mane of hair. The girl and boy get closer to each other, though they meet secretly (the boy is too vain to let everyone else know who he's dating) and one day the crazy woodsman sees them together and overhears that they will meet by the river, perhaps to run away together. The boy arrives at the river first, and the crazy woodsman (filled, of course, with jealosy) throws him in the water and he drowns. The girl shows up, and the woodsman tries to rape her, but in the struggle she manages to stab him with his own knife, and he snaps her neck. He throws her in the water before bleeding to death.
I can't think of a happy ending. All right, on with the credits:
The girl would be played by a young Judy Garland, so long as she has Maggie Gyllenhaal's acting chops. The boy would probably be best played by a Culkin. The crazy old man would be Joaquim Pheonix with a gigantic beard. Roman Polanski, I think, would direct. The film would be shot in black and white with elements of color, so I think that Roger Deakins would be perfect for that. The costumes would be done by Colleen Atwood, because you can't go wrong with her. Music would be variations of the melody of the song "Make Your Bed" (plus a cameo of Neko and the band in one of the dance scenes), as transcribed by Aaron Copland. Truman Capote and Harper Lee would write it together.
That, to me, would be a perfect film. Either that or a Menken/Ashamn animated version of The Twelve Dancing Princesses.
Posted by: meg at September 5, 2007 10:12 PM
I have no plot, but I can fill in the rest of the details. I would pick a good old-style film noir. Director: JJ Abrams (whom I have complete control over and am allowed veto power).
Soundtrack: Angelo Baladementi, Trent Reznor, and James Maynard Keenan team up for something beautiful, haunting, and possibly fucked-up.
Writers: Anyone non-hacky. This eliminates most Oscar winners (Haggis!). Gervais gets to consult.
Actors: Edward Norton (playing both sides of the field bad/good guy), Ricky Gervais (villian/red herring), Daniel Craig, and Ryan Reynolds (for the hot factor).
Actresses: Parker Posey (she's just so weird), Lena Frickin' Olin, Natalie Portman and Michelle Williams.
A fast-paced thiller that is smart, well-acted, with occasional dark humor. It will also require thought and not lay out plotline as a color-by-numbers picture.
Dustin: go back in time and make that version of Clerks. I agree that there is no one who could play Jay like Jason Mewes.
Posted by: Melody at September 5, 2007 10:14 PM
I don't know what it is, exactly, but:
1. Stars (in billing order) Christopher Eccleston, Gerard Butler, Paul Bettany, Ian McShane, Robert Downey Jr., Eddie Izzard, Clive Owen, Natalie Portman and a very pregnant Rachel Weisz. All speak in their native accents.
2. Has cameos by Johnny Depp and Stuart Townsend as provocatively conjoined twins.
3. Uses a score by Jonathan Davis and Caroline Lavelle.
4. Has an occult-flavored screenplay written by Alex Cox and Joss Whedon.
5. Is filmed within 5 miles of my home (which is mountainous), simply for my ogling/stalking convenience.
6. Isn't porn but likely has an NC-17.
God, I hope I dream about this tonight.
Posted by: Shaz at September 5, 2007 10:24 PM
I'm not gonna get very creative here, because this hits a little too close to home to my real career-- which I am currently in hiding from.
I know Kurosawa has made his share of Samurai movies, and I know the Musashi story has received plenty of treatments, but man would I ever love to see the great book by Eiji Yoshikawa realized by one of the greatest directors-- not just of Japanese cinema, but all cinema. I'm not gonna go for the obvious casting of Toshiro Mifune, and instead leave it open, but Takeshi Kaneshiro would make a perfect Kojiro. In fact, maybe the whole movie should just be about Kojiro. *Ahem*
Oh, and Zhang Ziyi wouldn't be in it. I don't know who would do the music, but the score would be Eastern for once.
On another note, I'd love to see Miyazaki's studio animate The Last Unicorn, even though it's not in tune with his normal themes. I think he has the skill and intuition to make it as it should be. Joe Hisaishi would do the music.
Posted by: Ari at September 5, 2007 10:27 PM
Or. Ed Wood remakes Star Wars.
Posted by: Ari at September 5, 2007 10:46 PM
Quentin Tarentino rebooting Superman.
Ang Lee adapting any Edith Wharton.
An adaptation of Neil Gaiman's Sandman, either in anime directed by Hayao Miyazaki, or live-action directed by Tim Burton.
Posted by: minorblue at September 5, 2007 11:21 PM
edward ford (finally being produced) directed by martin scorsese in the king of comedy mode, lensed by christopher doyle and starring christian bale. yeaaah...
Posted by: jordan at September 6, 2007 12:20 AM
meg:
So it's kinda like the video for Richard Marx's Hazard, right? Right? Anyone?
Just kiddin'. I like it. And I'll watch grizzled Joaquin Phoenix in ANYTHING. Hell, I just picked up Space Camp in the bargain bin the other day and spent the whole time freaking out because I kept envisioning the plucky little kid with the pet robot all growed up, trying to hump his toga-ed sister and stabbing Russell Crowe. Adds a whole new dimension to it, I tell ya.
And Justin: Where can I book tickets for this film? Is there room in that gauntlet of villains for Stephen Berkoff or Joss Ackland?
Posted by: Ed at September 6, 2007 4:02 AM
I have a long day of work to think up more of these but 2 that immediately sprung to mind.
The folks at Studo Ghibli and Pixar unite to bring us the full unabridged 6 volumes of Akira.
and
Akira Kurosawra directs all 27 volumes of Lone Wolf and Cub - no idea who I'd get to write that one though.
Posted by: PyD at September 6, 2007 4:28 AM
Muahahahahaha my world view is slowly creeping its way into the Pajia consciousness, I may just go dizzy with power.
(incidentally I just purchased a copy of A Dirty Job based on Constance's description of it. Sounds fantastic.)
I normally do this with books, in fact one of our favourite games is "What elements would need to be re-written and by whom to make The Lord of the Rings not suck". Ok, I'll play, this may take a while (watch as the comments thread grows by 40 odd posts in the time it takes me to write this)
I have two supermovie fantasies. The first is a faithful adaptation of Murakami's The Hard-boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. The script would retain most of Murakami's dialogue and it would be paced in a similar manner to the book - focusing on finely honed individual moments. I'd have Guillermo del Toro direct and the "shadowless" sections set within the walled city would have his partner on Pan's Laberynth, Guillermo Navarro as Cinematographer. Everything set outside the walled city would have a different cinematographer entirely (it's my fantasy I can do what I want so nyah - I don't care if it wouldn't mesh well) and would need to feel hyper-real to counteract the continually more surreal happenings so I'd pick someone whose usual fare is entirely different - someone along the lines of Hagen Bogdanski. The score would be Angelo Badalamenti composed.
And the entire thing will be in Japanese. With ludicriously organic subtitles.
The second of my fevered fangirl dreams would be a cinematic epic, yet again a faithful adaptaition of Tad Williams' War of the Flowers. Direction and Cinematography would be the work of Timur Bekmambetov and Sergei Trofimov (who were responsible for Nightwatch). The script would be written by Williams himself, score would be Elfman composed - firmly rooted in his "working with Tim Burton" mode. Casting would be changeable and Theo would have to be played by an unknown The only requests I have is that Parker Posey would play the role of Poppy and Kirsten Bell would be in full on impish delight mode as Applecore. Christian Bale and Cillian Murphy would both appear as members of the Primrose family and Angelica Houston would make an appearance.
I could probably put more work into these ideas but its midday and I've yet to do any work so this will have to do!
Although: I would watch a fair few of these movies... someone remind me why we aren't in charge of the film industry yet?
Posted by: Alex the Odd at September 6, 2007 6:50 AM
vaguelyamish..... ...I ...I ...I. We share the same dream! I have given the entire Ender series to multiple friends to read. hell i even got my 62 year old father to read it and he hates sci-fi fantasy! And he loved it. I don't know how far i would go with the series since the some of the dialogue with the hive mind can get confusing later in the series. I would say it could be cut together into the next great trilogy. But yes...Ender 'Third' Wiggin MUST and I'm pretty sure, someday, will hit the big screen. Spielberg to produce????? Does he still have the good sci-fi chops that he flexed so well with Close Encounters...?
Posted by: PissBoy at September 6, 2007 8:36 AM
Guards! Guards!: A Movie of Discworld featuring the City Watch of Ankh Morpork
Script: Terry Pratchet & Neil Gaiman
Director: Alphonse Cuaron
Vimes - Jason Isaacs
Carrot - Christopher Reeve (circa Superman)
Vetinari - Alan Rickman
Detritus - Andre the Giant
Angua - Natasha McElhone
Nobby - Simon Pegg
Colon - Ricky Gervais
Sybil - Kathy Bates
Dragon (voice) - Jeremy Irons
Music by :John Williams
Special Effects - ILM and WETA
Filmed entirely on location in New Zealand with sets built to scale of Ankh Morpork.
After the smashing success of this movie, "Jingo!" and "Night Watch" will follow.
Posted by: Rob at September 6, 2007 10:18 AM
Alec Guiness, Peter Sellers and Peter Cook in a blacker-than-black Orwellian satire directed by Stanley Kubrick.
Orson Welles' director's cut of The Magnificent Ambersons
And I'm going to steal Patton Oswalt's idea of Terrence Mallick adapting Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian, with Marlon Brando as Judge Holden.
Posted by: Chris at September 6, 2007 10:44 AM
Ms. Parker,
In your Jem remake, can we please allow Jem/ Jerricka to realize the doesn't need the douchebag who is dating both alter-egos but is too stupid to realize its the same woman? I mean, girls have it hard enough. We don't need to teach them that they must adopt split personalities to sufficiently entertain the man in their life who won't commit anyway.
P.S. That's exactly why I was always a fan of the "bad girls" Jem just struck me as a doormat.
P.P.S. Love Gwen as Synergy!
Posted by: ShannonAnn at September 6, 2007 10:54 AM
I've always wanted to see Wizard's First Rule made into a movie. Can't imagine who'd play Richard, Zed, or Kahlan, but preferably they would all be British unknowns. Reading the book, I thought it lends itself very well to the big screen or mini-series-with-huge-budget. I'm ok w/ a little CGI for the gars and such but said budget must mostly be spent on sweeping vistas of actual places on Earth (a la Blue Planet), with only marginal (but classy) special effects.
Mostly I want to watch Kahlan during her "I'm going to lead a paltry regiment of young boys against the might of Darken Rahl's forces" scene, sitting atop her 'dancing warhorse', which, in my mind is a gorgeous beast straight out of Robert Vavra's pictures.... ooo, such is the stuff of my fantasies. If I were a man, I'd have to adjust myself right about now.
Alas, I'd only allow the first two books of the series to be made into movies, as the evolution of Richard starts to annoy the living hell out of me after a while.
Posted by: Stella at September 6, 2007 11:41 AM
Ooooh...I am not nearly imaginative enough for this, but I would like to second Siege's nomination on the 'IT' remake. Wonderful!!! The book still scares me to the point of hating sinks, and drains but the movie still makes me laugh out loud when I catch it on USA, TBS, etc. I love Tim Curry but that movie was a shitacular failure by many means. My kudos to Siege's idea. And no, I'm not in any way related...nice try. hehehe
Posted by: jessi1974 at September 6, 2007 11:41 AM
It's called "Chasing Charlie Brown" and it is an alternately trippy/frightening and heartwarming/heartbreaking story of a woman's struggle to come to terms with death. She watches all of her loved ones eventually retreat into what she supposes is the "cult of Charlie Brown" even as she fights and rages aganist their going. At the end the cult of Charlie Brown is revealed to be simply death which she finally manages to come to terms with as she herself is dying.
Kate Winslet plays the lead with Philip Seymore Hoffman as her brother and me as her sister (oh, that's right...my movie, my casting, I get to be Kate Winslet's freaking sister!). Aaron Eckhart will play her husband and Helen Mirren will play mother. I think there is a child as well, who should be an unknown. I want this written by Charlie Kauffman and Michel Gondry, and directed by Gondry.
** This movie is based on a dream I had the other night**
Posted by: redkitten at September 6, 2007 1:06 PM
Haroun and the Sea of Stories (Salman Rushdie novella) produced by Robert Rodriguez/Troublemaker. In my head, this movie would be like a latter-day Wizard of Oz.
Posted by: Cisslepants at September 6, 2007 1:42 PM
ok, there's a film i've had kicking around in my head for at least three years now that I would LOVE to see made reality, though its a little outside the norm of this exercise.
sometime around my thousandth listen of Wilco's legendary "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot" album, i began to formulate an overarcing plot to the song cycle. nothing fancy, admittedly- the story of a young couple's falling out, seperate journeys to pick up and move on, and eventual reconciliation over the course of a 24 hour period (while living in chicago, in the marina park towers featured on the album cover)... I went so far as to jot down scene notes and ideas that are somewhere on my computer still, which i've been told by friends shaking their heads in shame may regrettably piece of Wilco fan fiction ever written.
so yeah... i'd love to see a feature length music video done along these lines, shot without dialouge in black and white. directing duties would be done by sam jones, the photographer who captured the band and the city in which they live beautifully in the YHF documentary "I Am Trying to Break Your Heart". Cast would be small and of unknown actors, to get a feel that you really are peering into a random couple's life that exists within the album, and a lone cameo by Tweedy and company, as the band "playing kiss covers beautiful and stoned" during the Heavy Metal Drummer sequence.
so yeah, not too much fun in the context of what's going on in this thread, but thought id throw it out there and see what people think anyway
Posted by: Leff at September 6, 2007 2:01 PM
One of the only big Marvel characters who has yet to have a proper cinematic reboot is Dr. Strange: Johnny Depp was born to play this role. Just don't let Tim Burton direct it and do not let Danny Elfman do the score; quite enough of that combination, thanks.
Posted by: Flea at September 6, 2007 2:52 PM
My supermovie is called "Payola," the definitive look at the radio payola industry in the 1950s. Generally noir in tone, but with a bit of an absurdist sense of humor. Directed by the Coen Brothers, using their usual cinematographers. Script by Billy Wilder, with a punch-up by Truman Capote.
* Elvis Presley, just off his star turn in Jailhouse Rock, as a sensitive up-and-coming rockstar.
* Ryan Reynolds as his wisecracking pal/sidekick/drummer
* Parker Posey as their tough girl bass player
* Humphrey Bogart as their jaded old manager. He ends up taking the rap to ensure Elvis' career survives.
* Eartha Kitt as Bogart's old flame/management rival, now trying to lure Elvis to her stable of artists.
* Maggie Gyllenhaal as Elvis' love interest, a troubled young woman with a wild side.
* Lili Taylor as Maggie's best friend, who has a flirtation with Elvis but helps the couple finally come together. Lili and Bogart end up together at the end.
* James Woods as an unscrupulous radio station owner.
* Jon Voight (present day) as Elvis' father, deep into gambling debts and relying on Elvis' talent to get him out.
* Robert Loggia as Voight's loan shark
* Kim Coates and Billy Bob Thornton as Loggia's sidekick/enforcers
* William H. Macy as the crusading DA honor-bound to bring down the payola racket. He ends up saving Voight at the end.
Most songs by Elvis, but incidental music provided by some alt-country act like Ryan Adams or Calexico. Gyllenhaal and Elvis would do a duet, but Gyllenhaal would be voiced by Neko Case.
Belle Francisco as the script supervisor.
Posted by: Tony Goins at September 6, 2007 2:58 PM
So because I love westerns, and because original and well done stories are hard to find, I'd go with a movie adaptation of Townes Van Zandt's song "Pancho & Lefty." A haunting story of betrayal, that moves from the deserts of Mexico to the cold winter of Ohio, where Lefty drinks away the remainder of his days, burdened with his betrayal of Pancho. Half of the story would be in Spanish, and the other half in English. I feel like the story would be told in flashback style, with a combination of Steven Soderbergh (with the cinematographer from Traffic) and Sergio Leone either directing or writing, or both.
As for actors, Edward James Olmos would be the old Lefty, depressed in wintry Ohio. Pancho in all his youthful glory would be played by Benicio Del Toro, and the federales searching for them would be led by Javier Bardem. Of course, Tommy Lee Jones, Gary Oldman, and Clint Eastwood would have to make appearances (don't ask me how, I don't know).
The soundtrack would be scored by Gustavo Santaolalla, with a healthy dose of Mexican and country music. I also have Leonard Cohen's The Partisan running through my head, the one where he performed it with a Spanish guitar.
Totally weird and crazy, I know.
Posted by: Rachael at September 6, 2007 2:58 PM
I forgot to mention:
* Buster Keaton as the quiet, bumbling roadie.
Posted by: Tony Goins at September 6, 2007 3:02 PM
My supermovie would be a remake of my favorite TV show "The Prisoner" directed by my favorite current director, Christoper Nolan.
I'm pretty open as to who will play Number 6, but Number 2 should be played by Patrick McGoohan. The storyline would either be an adaptation of the "Schitzoid Man" episode (my personal favorite) OR would involve Number 2 telling Number 6 that he will help him escape, and leaving Number 6 (and the audience) wondering whether Number 2 is simply playing mind games.
The best part is that my dream movie might actually get made -- I don't know about McGoohan's involvement, but Nolan is onboard and will direct from a script by David ("Unforgiven") Peobles (sp?).
Posted by: Sean P at September 6, 2007 3:21 PM
my super-movie:
me, gary oldman and a camera--for a long weekend at my house.
oops...what ya' mean, not THAT kind of movie.
it would be super though!
Posted by: maxpurr9 at September 6, 2007 3:41 PM
Well ShannonAnn - Since you love Gwen as Synergy how can I resist? Personally, that part of things always bothered the hell out of me in the cartoon. That and upon rewatching on a DVD copy I'd found I realized how bloody rascist the whole thing was too. I think the Jem/Jerricka/Rio issue is best when approached that Jerricka and Rio are friends and she wants more but he doesn't see it...then Jem comes along and he likes her-and that is why Jerricka says nothing about the spilt identity.
God...I really have put too much thought into this...clearly I have to write the screenplay.
Posted by: Ms. Parker at September 6, 2007 4:36 PM
I love ensemble movies like The Safety of Objects. The kind of movie where people are affected by a tragedy but they don't really know how or why but their lives are different and when they realize they need to change/let go so their relationships can flourish or end appropriately. I guess you could stretch that to include The Royal Tennenbaums with a bigger sadness. I like movies that make you think about the people around you and how you affect them without realizing it.
So,my cast- they all live in the same neighborhood in some middle-class not-quite suburban neighborhood (Suburbia is not going to be in my cast):
A 2006 Bill Murray plays a widower whose children, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, come to visit for his birthday. J.G.L. is in love with Kate Winslet who is married to Nathan Fillion and they have a very pretty baby. Next door to them is River Phoenix and Peter Saarsgard who are pothead housemates and Nathan Fillion is a little jealous of their carefree life that is not without its trouble. And to top it off a 1982 Bruce Dern and a 1975 Cloris Leachman are a retired couple who just lost their only daughter to cancer and John Cusak plays their mourning son-in-law.
Really sad, I know. But luckily, Bill Murray and John Cusack can find the comedy in all the sadness and what isn't a little sad/funny about some man-child potheads? Something tragic happens that affects them all. I trust Kenneth Lonergan to write a thoughtful and wonderful story that won't have you drowning your sorrows at the end but instead uplifted somehow. And Sofia Coppola can bring out the beauty in the silent moments while directing. Plus, I love me some Jon Brion soundtracks so he'll enhance the appropriate emotions during the appropriate time.
I hope that sounds as interesting to you as it does to me.
Posted by: Katherine at September 6, 2007 4:57 PM
Oh, this is easy.
1) Go back in time and fire the guy who thought Ewoks would be a good idea to get kid appeal.
2) Go back in time and get Spielberg to direct Episodes 1,2 and 3.
George Lucas ruined his own creation.
Posted by: Natalie at September 7, 2007 12:54 AM
I would bring Luc Besson out of retirement for a sequel to Leon, The Professional entitled Matilda, The Professional.
Natalie Portman would reprise her role as Matilda. Only now she has surpassed Leon as an assassin. Danny Aiello could reprise his role as Tony with Matilda either making the odd hit for him or hiding the fact that she is an assassin from him.
It would feature flashbacks to Matilda's days with Leon (previously unseen in the original) It would also have a couple of huge shoot em up scenes. Maybe Jet Li can play the bad guy. Or even better we can get Gary Oldman back to play a completely different evil character than his original evil character.
Posted by: cmoody at September 7, 2007 8:04 AM
This is stupid. I like super-chilled Coke for the sweet and the fizz, a fresh ripe fig with Iberian ham, some crispy salt-bake shrimps with the whole head on, and yeah, lobster, don't forget lobster, and chicken soup when I'm sick, a dozen fresh ersters when I'm well, a beer, and real dark coffee. But not together. Together would be vomit.
A film like any creative work represents a point of view into a crevice of life filtered through one human's experience of life. To want something that has condiments from all the greats (super director here, cool actor the, set design by so-and-so, whatshisface behind the lens) is to be an ignorant wanker.
I realize everyone is on the Web2.0 (we all make it, we all eat it) wagon, but what have you done with my beloved non-Web2.0 Pajiba? Where are the sharp-as-a-prison-shank kill-you-soon-as-crack-your-ass-up movie reviews? How many times a week are we going to login and watch 250 strangers free-associate?
Posted by: Third Shift at September 7, 2007 12:38 PM
Wow Third shift, that was just....asinine. I like chocolate and coffee and rum and creamy cheeses and cake. Would I want them all together? Absolutely, as long as it came in the form of tira misu, the world's most perfect food (for me anyway). Sure, some combinations don't work, no matter how great the ingredients are individually, but if you bothered to read the post and comments you'd realize that people aren't just picking names out of a hat. They're choosing directors, actors and crew whose style fits the story they want to tell. Or are you really suggesting that a movie would be ruined by having a great director, actors, cinematographer, composer, etc? because if so I suggest you watch...oh I don't know...The Godfather, Wings of Desire, Casablanca, Heat, Apocalypse Now, The Shining...I could go on but I'll leave it at that for now. Yes, the writers of Pajiba are happy to snark on a bad film, but don't you expect them to also notice what's great about movies? (and seriously, if you don't want to read the comment diversions, IGNORE THEM)
Posted by: s. pisaster at September 7, 2007 2:38 PM
Wow Third shift, that was just....asinine. I like chocolate and coffee and rum and creamy cheeses and cake. Would I want them all together? Absolutely, as long as it came in the form of tira misu, the world's most perfect food (for me anyway). Sure, some combinations don't work, no matter how great the ingredients are individually, but if you bothered to read the post and comments you'd realize that people aren't just picking names out of a hat. They're choosing directors, actors and crew whose style fits the story they want to tell. Or are you really suggesting that a movie would be ruined by having a great director, actors, cinematographer, composer, etc? because if so I suggest you watch...oh I don't know...The Godfather, Wings of Desire, Casablanca, Heat, Apocalypse Now, The Shining...I could go on but I'll leave it at that for now. Yes, the writers of Pajiba are happy to snark on a bad film, but don't you expect them to also notice what's great about movies? (and seriously, if you don't want to read the comment diversions, IGNORE THEM)
Posted by: s. pisaster at September 7, 2007 2:42 PM
(sorry about the double post. apparently I was so annoyed I needed to say it twice.)
Posted by: s. pisaster at September 7, 2007 2:44 PM
a screenplay by cormac mccarthy, in the vein of the border trilogy. bloody, yes, and meandering, yes, and no real idea of redemption but instead focusing on the triviality of life when encountered with a true lack of hope when dealing with a collapsing civilization. mexican revolution, perhaps, since there are so many references to it in his work, he seems to know what he's writing about. not much dialogue. and, true to form, much of the dialogue in spanish without subtitles.
director would have to be terrence malick, due to the inherent moodiness, lack of dialogue, and the way he deals with landscapes. true to form, more film dedicated to giving a sense of place than character development. cinematographer would have to be rodrigo prieto.
all the actors would have to look half starved, anemic, skeletal. all male leads. steve buscemi. edward norton. paul bettany.
no romance.
music by godspeed you black emperor.
Posted by: breonne at September 7, 2007 5:29 PM
Dammit, I completely missed this one, but I have to participate anyway, because the idea of my very own supermovie is just way too good. That being said...
A slick vampire movie, done properly. And by properly, I mean totally ridiculous and goth but awesome in all the ways I want it to be.
Thus, we're in a dystopian sci-fi London that's just a little sleeker than it is now. The plot will be fairly simple, mostly a revenge flick, with the vamps as the quasi-protagonists. Starring Equilibrium-type Christian Bale as supreme ass-kicking vampire with a vendetta, along with Sleepy Hollow-era Christina Ricci. Also, Jonathan Rhys Myers will co-star as some sort of haughty prince-like villain (or Satan, if the religious angle comes into play), and Jack Davenport will partially reprise his role as reluctant human cop from the Ultraviolet mini-series. His boss will be played by Donald Sutherland.
It will be written Tony Gilroy of the Bourne series, or by me if I'm feeling particularly egotistical (and since this is my fantasy, I am). Christopher Nolan will direct. And I will watch it TEN BILLION TIMES.
Posted by: kalexal at September 20, 2007 1:11 AM
Oh yeah, and soundtrack by NIN, Tool, and Deftones, produced by Bowie. Score by Clint Mansell and Renholder. Bitchin'.
Posted by: kalexal at September 20, 2007 1:17 AM
1) "Daughters of Eve:" This is the easiest, and so obvious I'm amazed it hasn't been done already. This is the film, a DIRECT ADAPTATION (and I mean take everything directly from the book, just like Roman Polanski did with "Rosemary's Baby" with such amazing results) of the Lois Duncan gen-X teen classic. I guess the director would be Sofia Coppolla, because this is the thing she should have made instead of "The Virgin Suicides" (tho that was alright, this has a better story). Anyway, just hire a great art director and get all the details right (NOT like "Running With Scissors" ). I think this would be better adapted as an early-eighties time period instead of mid-late seventies as written. So you can use the music (Michael Jackson, Controversy-era-Prince, Blondie, all kinds of British New Wave like early Duran Duran, Adam Ant, The Cure, etc). Anyhoo, like I said just follow the book exactly and don't play it for laughs (like the hair-shaving scene should be terrifying, not silly, but a very talented director can give it a little funny tweak and not take away from the darkness). The teacher, "Irene", should be played by Carrie-Anne Moss or someone like her. She's got the intense eyes. As far as the teen leads go, get a Jonathan Rhys-Myers-type (but much younger) for "Peter" (hot but evil) and find someone who looks (just as the book says) like him but a little twisted, for the brother. And the girls should be all over the map -- the brainy one, the fat one, the teen model, the fragile head-case, etc. I like the girl who is in "Big Love" in there somewhere, she's not too old.
2) I feel so strongly about this one I'm almost terrified that it WILL be made, and done so wrong that it will break my heart. It's, again, an adaptation of a novel, Kazuo Ishiguro's "Never Let Me Go." My idea is that the kids only allowed to listen to old, 70's English folk records, and that's most of the soundtrack. Here it is: "Nocturne"/ Robyn Hitchcock, "Jog Along Bess" Vashti Bunyan, "Grantchester Meadows"/Pink Floyd, "Cello Song"/Nick Drake, "Sitting By the Riverside"/ The Kinks, "Story of Isaac"/Leonard Cohen, "Cruel Sister"/Pentangle, "In Amongst the Roses"/ The Strawbs, "Rose Hip November"/Vashti Bunyan, "She's Leaving Home"/Nilsson," Coconut Grove"/ Sandie Shaw, "Stretch out and Wait"/ The Smiths, "Kyoto Song"/ The Cure, "Throughout the Dark Months of April and May"/The Cocteau Twins, "A New England"/Billy Bragg, "Stony End"/Laura Nyro, "I Don't Want to Know about Evil"/John Martyn, "Lady D'Arbanville"/Cat Stevens, "Unable to Fly"/Gary Higgins, and of course the title song by Julie London. There it is.
Posted by: genuflecked at September 20, 2007 1:57 PM
